CatcherintheRye Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I'm back and I promise this is my last question for a while. It's been on my mind a lot that my boyfriend seems distant. He just doesn't seem as interested anymore. I told him I feel like he's pulling away and he assured me everything is fine (which I'm still a little uneasy about but that's an entirely different problem) and that he's been having a lot of trouble dealing with his best friend's death. They were very close and it's barely been a year in June I believe. I'm trying to be there for him the best I can, but I don't know how. I've never experienced a death that's impacted me in a major way and haven't known anyone before him who has. How can I support him? He doesn't know how to cope with the things he's feeling and I don't know how best to be there for him. Has anyone had any experience with this?
Ami1uwant Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 If this death was unexpected and sudden like a car accident or was it somewhat expected like inoperable cancer? If it's the former I'd say tell him to see a trained counselor.
Author CatcherintheRye Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 It was extremely unexpected.
newmoon Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 my dad just basically dropped dead - we had no notice or warning. as someone who went through this just over a year ago i know that i appreciated being left alone until i wanted to reach out. i didn't want calls or people bugging me for my time, but when i was ready i called people and wanted to see them. i think if you told him you're there for him once or twice, he knows it. with a close death, you actually don't get affected until much later, like 6+ months, because the immediate weeks after the death you're still busy processing it. i would say you need to tell your guy that you'll be there for the long-term, because it was 6+ months later to today that i needed the most support. most grief counselors won't even do much for you until a few months have passed - i went and they told me to come back in 3 months if i still felt sad, because the first 1-3 months affect people so differently, and real grief will set in a bit later and be harder to shake. and oddly, the closest people to me weren't the ones i wanted to talk with - so don't feel left out or unappreciated if he speaks to/confides in others instead of you. death of a close friend/family member really messes you up for quite a while and lasts... forever, really.
Author CatcherintheRye Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Well he's not really a talker and doesn't like the idea of a therapist. He's told me before that of all the people, I know the most about how he's dealing with his friend's death. So I guess he trusts me to be there for him and be understanding, but I can't understand to be honest. It's so foreign to me...what is the process of someone getting over a friend's death? What role could I play in this? More than anything I want to help in any way I can.
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 All you can do is listen & be there if he wants to talk. You can't make him talk. He is going to be distant. He's grieving & his world got turned upside down. He's withdrawing into himself as a means of self preservation. All you can do is be as normal as possible. Encourage him to do things. The holidays -- his first without his friend -- are going to be hard. I burst into tears for seemingly no reason in the middle of Thanksgiving one year. As much as you want to help try not to push too hard. The more you say stuff like "let me help you" the more he feels like he's a bad BF & is defective because he's still grieving. Show him by example that live goes on & it's OK for him to move forward, to love, to laugh. Talk about the friend that passed especially on milestones like that guy's birthday. 1
EricaH329 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 People grieve so differently from one another, that sometimes it's hard to tell what you can do to support them the way they need it. Make sure that he knows you're there for him. Tell him you are part of his support group. That you'll listen, if he needs listening to; a shoulder to cry on, if he needs to cry; or just a body to sit with him, if he needs the solitary comfort. You should also ask him what you can do. People need different things during the different stages of grief. And if what he needs right now is to be alone, don't take it personally. You'd be surprised at how much communication can uncover in situations like this.
Redhead14 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I'm back and I promise this is my last question for a while. It's been on my mind a lot that my boyfriend seems distant. He just doesn't seem as interested anymore. I told him I feel like he's pulling away and he assured me everything is fine (which I'm still a little uneasy about but that's an entirely different problem) and that he's been having a lot of trouble dealing with his best friend's death. They were very close and it's barely been a year in June I believe. I'm trying to be there for him the best I can, but I don't know how. I've never experienced a death that's impacted me in a major way and haven't known anyone before him who has. How can I support him? He doesn't know how to cope with the things he's feeling and I don't know how best to be there for him. Has anyone had any experience with this? You simply tell him that you are there for him in whatever capacity he needs you to be and leave it at that. He will come to you if he wants to talk or vent or whatever. Do not push or prompt him to talk about it and give him the space he wants. The more you attempt to draw him out, the further away he will pull. If he continues to pull away further anyway, there is something else going on. And, don't try to counteract his "down feelings". In other words, don't go overboard with cheeriness to try to pull him up. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be upbeat if you are feeling that way. But you should validate his feelings -- "I understand that this is a difficult time for you and that you are feeling low". People will grieve at the "anniversary" of the death of a loved one or when it's getting close to that or around holidays and will get quiet sometimes for a bit during these events. It's best to let them go through it. If he seems to be going into a deep depression, you may want to suggest counseling.
Recommended Posts