adrona Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I'm not sure if I'm overthinking this or not, which is the only reason I'm here. I recently started dating a guy who seemed really great at first. We have similar interests, and since we met a few weeks ago, we see each other every single day. Recently, he introduced me to his college-aged female roommate. He said he needs a roommate for financial reasons, and I believe that. I didn't have an issue with her (the roommate), but today, out of nowhere, he sprung a meeting with her mother on me. The mother made it extremely evident that she wants him to date her daughter, even going as far as to call him her "adopted son," and she (the mother) is visiting the apartment where this guy and his roommate (her daughter) almost every day. She said the three of them will be going on a vacation together soon, and they go a lot of places together. I was really shocked to discover all of this, and I asked him if he noticed the mother's behavior, and how he felt towards the daughter. While he denied having any feelings for his roommate, he agreed with me that the mother is trying to get him to enter into a romantic relationship with her daughter (his roommate). I'm not comfortable at all with this, but I'm also not sure what to do. Frankly, I'm thinking of just calling everything off tomorrow, before I become any more emotionally invested in this guy, but I haven't been in a relationship in a while, and so I need some additional opinions before I do anything, so that I make an informed decision. If it makes any difference, the man I'm dating is in his 30s, and I'm in my late twenties, while the roommate is barely out of her teens.
Timshel Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Only dating a few weeks? I know it sounds pessimistic but my advice would be to end the relationship now with the caveat that if he has a more relationship friendly roommate in the future, perhaps you'll be available. It sounds cold but I really can't see this situation not hurting you somehow down the road. Forget down the road, already the bells are too annoying and it will only get worse. 1
Tayla Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Would befriending the room mate be out of the question? I found more oft then not, things are not as they appear on the surface. Do you have reason to distrust his actions and behavior as a bf? Gosh, it does seem like you are believing the mom more then the bf? you may want to ask yourself why that is?
mike_89 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Normally I'd say just deal with it and go find a new place with your guy after a year or so but: She said the three of them will be going on a vacation together soon, and they go a lot of places together. this is just weird. Do these people know each other from before they became roommates? I really assume they knew each other pretty well and rented something together because they knew each other so well. This whole situation sounds fishy. I think you're better off finding another man. 2
Author adrona Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) Normally I'd say just deal with it and go find a new place with your guy after a year or so but: this is just weird. Do these people know each other from before they became roommates? I really assume they knew each other pretty well and rented something together because they knew each other so well. This whole situation sounds fishy. I think you're better off finding another man. According to him, they only met a few months ago, when the girl moved in with him. He claims the mother was helping her daughter adjust to living on her own, and that's why she's always over there visiting. Yet he was going out to dinner with them tonight, and the fact that they're planning a trip together demonstrates to me that they must be close. I'm not saying he's romantically interested in the roommate. My concern hinges on the fact that her mother will probably give me trouble if her (the mother's) behavior today was any indication. Also, I appreciate all of the input so far. Edited October 21, 2015 by adrona
Timshel Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 In order for a couple to 'weather' a situation like this, there would need to be a well established relationship and a foundation of trust. How could OP possibly have achieved this when they have only been dating a few weeks. She barely knows the guy. I hope everything works out well for you OP. This is a crappy situation so early on.
phineas Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 How old is the Mon? Perhaps she is the one with intentions here? Also a trip together? That's weird. I'd bail. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Gotta be honest. You say he's in his 30's and he needs a roommate? Where's he work, McDonalds? If he doesn't have his sh*t together by that age, he's never going to.. This situation with the college aged roommate sounds fishy. There are red flags flapping all around this guy - from the fact that he's not even financially self sufficient at his age right down to his shady 'roommate.' I'd SO bail. 2
PegNosePete Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 The guy is clearly encouraging, or at least not discouraging, the mother's actions. If I were him, and genuinely not interested in the roommate, I would show that by my actions. I would have as little social contact with the mother as possible. I would ask the roommate to talk to her mother, and tell her that her playing Cupid is insensitive, intrusive and unwanted, and if it continues, it may jeopardize her daughter's living situation. He seems to be doing the opposite. It makes you wonder, why. For me this would be a deal-breaker. 4
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 His female roommate's mother is NOT the issue. The issue is his. The moment he discovered his roommate's mother had an agenda, he should have made it very clear to her (the mother) that there was absolutely no way whatsoever that this was going to happen, that he is already with you, and that the girl can leave as soon as the rental contract ceases (if indeed, one even does). Instead he got you to meet her? What defence did he put up at the time you all met? In your shoes at that moment, I would have made it very clear to him there and then, that he had a choice, and told him to make it - there and then. If there is any prevarication or hesitation on his part, you need to turn around and leave them to it. As things stand, if he thinks he's onto a good thing with her, you need to abandon ship, save your dignity and walk away. 3
Toodaloo Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 So the room mate has no intention towards him and he has no intention towards her... Ya know - I would just laugh it off and get on with it. I have people I refer to as my adopted children. I am very protective over them and do treat them as my children in some ways. The mother will give up eventually and probably "adopt" you as well if you play it right. Its what we "motherly" types do. So while uncomfortable at the moment, just stick with it. Heck they are living in the same house so if anything was going to happen it would have by now.
Toodaloo Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 The moment he discovered his roommate's mother had an agenda, he should have made it very clear to her (the mother) that there was absolutely no way whatsoever that this was going to happen, Instead he got you to meet her? Why do you think he introduced his new girl??? Its not a very subtle way of saying this is who I am dating, I do not want to date your daughter... In fact its like throwing a brick through a window at her to get his point across...
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Why do you think he introduced his new girl??? Its not a very subtle way of saying this is who I am dating, I do not want to date your daughter... In fact its like throwing a brick through a window at her to get his point across... Yes, but little is known about what actually happened during that meeting.... Let's just review the main issue, here... .....today, out of nowhere, he sprung a meeting with her mother on me. He didn't prepare the OP for the meeting, didn't advise her beforehand of concerns, didn't specify a possibly volatile situation. He sprung it on her. With what end, or result in mind, exactly? The mother made it extremely evident that she wants him to date her daughter, even going as far as to call him her "adopted son," and she (the mother) is visiting the apartment where this guy and his roommate (her daughter) almost every day. How was he responding or reacting throughout this encounter? What was he contributing to the discussion, to counteract or contradict the mother's comments and narrative? She said the three of them will be going on a vacation together soon, and they go a lot of places together. What? They 'go' (present tense)? WHat's all this crud suddenly, about a vacation? Sounds to me (from the above) as if he already knew this girl prior to her moving in.... I was really shocked to discover all of this, and I asked him if he noticed the mother's behavior, and how he felt towards the daughter. While he denied having any feelings for his roommate, he agreed with me that the mother is trying to get him to enter into a romantic relationship with her daughter (his roommate). Oh he agreed...?? He didn't see this for himself? Then what was his point in suddenly springing the meeting on her...? I'm sorry, I think he's a patsy, and I think the OP should walk. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 He may be a patsy at times. Doesn't make him a bad bloke. We all make mistakes. I think he is just trying to get this room mates mother off of his back (and hers too if her mother is that bad) so he can relax and enjoy his new relationship. I think go, be light airy and fun, don't take anything to heart and get on with it. Make it clear that you like her daughter, make it clear you are dating her "adopted son"... The mother will back down. I think she is just being a bit over bearing and needs to be gently put back in her place. Why on earth should it get volatile? Its just an overly friendly woman being overly friendly... Sometimes its worth getting off your high horse and just approaching things in an open and happy way. I think if OP does this right she can actually get the upper hand all round... 1
PegNosePete Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I think he is just trying to get this room mates mother off of his back If I were trying to get someone off my back, I would certainly not be going on vacations with them and their daughter. That is not getting someone off your back. That is encouraging them to have a more active part in your life. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 If I were trying to get someone off my back, I would certainly not be going on vacations with them and their daughter. That is not getting someone off your back. That is encouraging them to have a more active part in your life. Its one issue though Pete. They all get on very well in every other respect. Its just this little niggle. OK rather large niggle. But it needs to be dealt with and in a kind yet firm manner.
Maggie4 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I agree with Phineas. Suppose the roomate is 19, the mother is 40, and the guy is 37...? Not enough information here. Anyway, since you see him every day, just tell him what you think. I would. If nothing else, me just being nosy and want to find out the whole story.
Miss Peach Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) Why do you think he introduced his new girl??? Its not a very subtle way of saying this is who I am dating, I do not want to date your daughter... In fact its like throwing a brick through a window at her to get his point across... I agree this may be what he is trying to do. I also think it shows he's not trying to hide anything. Gotta be honest. You say he's in his 30's and he needs a roommate? Where's he work, McDonalds? If he doesn't have his sh*t together by that age, he's never going to.. This situation with the college aged roommate sounds fishy. There are red flags flapping all around this guy - from the fact that he's not even financially self sufficient at his age right down to his shady 'roommate.' I'd SO bail. I disagree with this. I think you need more info here. I make 6 figures and have no debt but I live with a roommate. Housing is expensive where I live and want to save up money quickly for a goal of mine so I cut expenses this way. I'm hardly home so it seems wasteful to me to spend so much money for a place to sleep. His female roommate's mother is NOT the issue. The issue is his. The moment he discovered his roommate's mother had an agenda, he should have made it very clear to her (the mother) that there was absolutely no way whatsoever that this was going to happen, that he is already with you, and that the girl can leave as soon as the rental contract ceases (if indeed, one even does). Agree with this completely. It sounds like your guy doesn't have good boundaries with people. He may also be a people pleaser. She said the three of them will be going on a vacation together soon, and they go a lot of places together. Was this the mom or the roommate? This is the part that struck me as odd. Going places together isn't odd to me as some roommates become friends over time. But to go on vacation after only knowing someone a few months is strange to me. If the mom said this and the BF didn't agree and the mom didn't want to hear it that leads to the lack of boundaries potentially with the mom/roommate. The lack of boundaries is your call/comfort zone IMO but it would be concerning to me and worth a talk. If they really do have plans to go on vacation together after knowing each other for only a few months then I would bail as I suspect there is something else going on. Edited October 21, 2015 by Miss Peach
Mrin Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Ok am I the only guy who thinks this dude should totally go make a huge mistake with the college aged roommate??? Is it just my Y chromosome that thinks that is a terrific idea? OP: not to belittle your objections (which are 100% valid) but I think there are a lot of ingredients for a big time disaster here and I think you should take a pass on this one.
Author adrona Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 Was this the mom or the roommate? This is the part that struck me as odd. Going places together isn't odd to me as some roommates become friends over time. But to go on vacation after only knowing someone a few months is strange to me. If the mom said this and the BF didn't agree and the mom didn't want to hear it that leads to the lack of boundaries potentially with the mom/roommate. The lack of boundaries is your call/comfort zone IMO but it would be concerning to me and worth a talk. If they really do have plans to go on vacation together after knowing each other for only a few months then I would bail as I suspect there is something else going on. The mother made that statement.
Els Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 So he goes on vacations with his female roommate and her mother (who makes it obvious that she wants them to date). Yeah, I'd bail. If he was just living there to save money and ignored the mother most of the time, I'd be okay with it. But him going on vacations with the two of them makes it rather obvious that he isn't trying to discourage anything.
Author adrona Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 So he goes on vacations with his female roommate and her mother (who makes it obvious that she wants them to date). Yeah, I'd bail. If he was just living there to save money and ignored the mother most of the time, I'd be okay with it. But him going on vacations with the two of them makes it rather obvious that he isn't trying to discourage anything. I agree with you. I attempted to speak with him today about it, but we didn't get the chance, so I intend to talk to him tomorrow.
kendahke Posted October 22, 2015 Posted October 22, 2015 Mommy is making things very messy with her interfering. The fact that he didn't contradict her when she told you what he would be doing with her and her daughter would be enough for me to tell him once he's gotten his messy life with his roommate's messy mother in check to give you a call. He sounds like he's beholden to her for some reason if he didn't say "your daughter and I are just friends and that's all we're going to be" to the meddling momster.
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