I am hurting over the breakup.

[cadams0315]

Sunday I was feeling a bit insecure about something and called it to my boyfriend's attention. To which, he got angry, used vulgarity like he always did whenever I would bring something up, even politely, that I'm concerned about, or offended by something he said or did. At any rate, he said I had nothing to worry about on Sunday. Last night, we were supposed together. However, I was feeling a bit depressed and wasn't in the right frame of mind to get together. I told him I would need to take a rain check because I wasn't feeling up to getting together. I told him I needed to go and talk to my best friend and try to clear my head. I told him I'd call him when I got back from my friend's house or I will call him in the morning. He said ok, I will wait to hear from you. This morning I noticed he blocked me on Facebook. I thought, here it comes again, he's going to break up with me again. So, I called him like I said I was going to and he did indeed breakup with me. Seems if he gets mad or things don't go his way, he resorts to breaking up. What am I supposed to do? Should I call him? How am I to deal with this breakup? It hurts so bad.

Edited October 20, 2015 by cadams0315
Title change

[Toddbt12y1]

Sunday I was feeling a bit insecure about something and called it to my boyfriend's attention. To which, he got angry, used vulgarity like he always did whenever I would bring something up, even politely, that I'm concerned about, or offended by something he said or did. At any rate, he said I had nothing to worry about on Sunday. Last night, we were supposed together. However, I was feeling a bit depressed and wasn't in the right frame of mind to get together. I told him I would need to take a rain check because I wasn't feeling up to getting together. I told him I needed to go and talk to my best friend and try to clear my head. I told him I'd call him when I got back from my friend's house or I will call him in the morning. He said ok, I will wait to hear from you. This morning I noticed he blocked me on Facebook. I thought, here it comes again, he's going to break up with me again. So, I called him like I said I was going to and he did indeed breakup with me. Seems if he gets mad or things don't go his way, he resorts to breaking up. What am I supposed to do? Should I call him? How am I to deal with this breakup? It hurts so bad.

 

Stay broken up. Stay out of contact. You have broken up already before. He does not know how to communicate with you - even if you are being polite about whatever issue you may have. Vulgarity and anger are no way of dealing with a loved one; especially a depressed loved one. I am not sure what it is you were feeling insecure about. How often does this insecurity pop-up? Is this the reason you and him broke up before? Certainly that would be something for you to work on. But this is not working....He cannot communicate properly with you.

 

He resorts to breaking up with you when an issue comes up. That alone is good reason to block him; and move on.

[J21]

You stay out of this guy's life. That's what you should do.

 

You can't be with someone that uses the "we're breaking up" card everytime he gets mad. He sounds like an immature guy.

 

Normal healthy relationships are a two way street. If you had some concerns, you have the right to bring them up without being yelled or cursed at. That's just ridiculous he would do such a thing.

 

He's a hot headed guy and breaks up over practically nothing.

 

Time to move on.

[opalant]

Go no contact now. Stop this cycle. I've been in your shoes before, my ex was completely cold to me about my emotions, incredibly unsupportive and infact made me feel worse. He acted like such a child, as soon as something bad happened, even if it was only small instead of dealing with it like a normal adult he'd just break up with me.

 

Do you really want your future husband and maybe father of your children to be this flighty? Do you really want to be waiting all the time for the next time he's going to break up with you? You deserve so much better!!

 

Don't call him again, just send him a message explaining that you've had enough with his flighty behaviour and if he's really breaking up with you it's over for good this time. Then block him on everything and don't respond to any further contact. Guys like this never change unless they actually do something about it, which they hardly ever do.

[cadams0315]

I am not sure what it is you were feeling insecure about. How often does this insecurity pop-up? Is this the reason you and him broke up before?

 

 

I have been involved with him for a year and a half now. The type of insecurity I was feeling on Sunday was about not knowing where I stand with him. He will reassure me that I have nothing to worry about and then a day or two later he breaks up with me? I let him know when he broke up with me this last time "and you wonder why I'm insecure? Our relationship has not exactly been a stable one". He said, he can't do this any longer. The reason we broke up the time before this had nothing to do with insecurity. I had made plans to take him away for the weekend as his birthday present. I let him know in advance so that he could request off from work that Friday. Two weeks before we were to leave, he stopped calling me, texting me and when I tried to get a hold of him, he ignored my calls and wouldn't respond for the whole two weeks. The day before we were due to leave, I asked my best friend if she wanted to go away because I didn't know where he was and didn't want to go away alone. He calls the day we were supposed to leave and I told him, I had made other arrangements to have my best friend go with me since I hadn't heard from him in two weeks. He told me to have a good time and call him when I get back. I called him when I got back, he asked if I wanted to go to breakfast and I said I had just eaten breakfast. He said no problem, how about dinner. I said ok. A half hour before he was to pick me up for dinner, he called and broke up with me because I didn't take him away with me. I told him you disappeared for two weeks, what was I supposed to do? He said it was my birthday present. I said, I did nothing wrong here and told him to have a good life and I hung up the phone. If things don't go "his" way, he resorts to breaking up. Two other times before that, things weren't going his way and he broke up with me. These were usually the reason for the breakups. This last time, he said it was because I changed my mind about him coming over Monday night and instead I went to my best friend's house. Honestly, I had to go talk to her because I was feeling depressed. I have never experienced depression like this until I started to date him.

[cadams0315]

Go no contact now. Stop this cycle. I've been in your shoes before, my ex was completely cold to me about my emotions, incredibly unsupportive and infact made me feel worse. He acted like such a child, as soon as something bad happened, even if it was only small instead of dealing with it like a normal adult he'd just break up with me.

 

Do you really want your future husband and maybe father of your children to be this flighty? Do you really want to be waiting all the time for the next time he's going to break up with you? You deserve so much better!!

 

Don't call him again, just send him a message explaining that you've had enough with his flighty behaviour and if he's really breaking up with you it's over for good this time. Then block him on everything and don't respond to any further contact. Guys like this never change unless they actually do something about it, which they hardly ever do.

 

 

I am sorry that you were involved with someone like my guy. It is horrible when they make you feel worse instead of better especially when you're feeling bad already. I don't feel so alone now. I thought it was me and kept trying to change how I handle things with him but if I brought anything up that resembled a concern, even a question, or anything that I didn't feel good about in order to get clarification, he would instantly get defensive, fly off the handle, tell me I am being petty, curse at me and completely dismiss my feelings. Then the tables would be turned and I would have to deal with his feelings about something and of course the issue I have/had would never be dealt with. Instead he would break up with me. I really do love him, there's no doubt. I don't want to live this way the rest of my life. How am I going to walk away from someone I love? This is very difficult for me. I did block him on my phone, my email and my Facebook. Even though he had me blocked already. When you say, go no contact, what do I do if he uses a different phone to call me and leaves a message? Do I ignore the message? What happens if he just comes over? He has done this before.

Edited October 21, 2015 by cadams0315
Wanted to add another sentence or two.

[cadams0315]

You stay out of this guy's life. That's what you should do.

 

You can't be with someone that uses the "we're breaking up" card everytime he gets mad. He sounds like an immature guy.

 

Normal healthy relationships are a two way street. If you had some concerns, you have the right to bring them up without being yelled or cursed at. That's just ridiculous he would do such a thing.

 

He's a hot headed guy and breaks up over practically nothing.

 

Time to move on.

 

 

That's the thing, whenever, he brought up a concern, I would listen, be receptive and respectful. I don't get that same reciprocity with him. He found something about my friends that he didn't like and slowly I found myself not talking to any of my friends. And God forbid, my male friends, I wasn't allowed to talk to them at all. Even when we would go to a restaurant and we had a male server, I had to look at my menu when I ordered. I wasn't allowed to look at the waiter at all. He had female friends that would call him and I never said a word to him about these ladies. I started to cry one time over all that he and I had been through and I walked over to him so that I could cry on his shoulder. He called me a crybaby, said I was being petty and then walked out of my house and said he'd call me the next the next day. So, I was left with dealing with my hurt and pain alone. What did I do for him to do this to me?

[Methodical]

He doesn't sound like stable relationship material. The offer for breakfast/dinner after the return from the trip was a power play to get back at you. He places all the blame on you and accepts no fault, like he is a superior being who never miscommunicates, screws up, whatever. VERY RARELY is one person solely responsible when this happens. In the example you provided, he feels entitled after doing a disappearing act for two weeks, which is preposterous.

 

Most all relationships hit bumps and curves, but mature ppl can logically have a mature discussion and sort things out. Otherwise, the foundation was baseless from the start. You'd be doing yourself a favor to use this breakup as an opportunity to evaluate if this is the way you want to spend your life, with a loose, vindictive, self-center canon.

[opalant]

When I say no contact I mean no contact whatsoever, block him, his family, his friends, as long as they're not your friends. Then there's no way he can contact you. Don't check his social media, trust me, it just sends your healing way back and after a few days and then weeks and then months the urge to check goes away more and more.

 

I know you love him, I loved my ex, but you could find someone that you love just the same, or even more who will love you back way more than this guy does. I know it's hard because I've been through it too but trust me you will eventually feel so much better. Like your ex my boyfriend used to completely dismiss my feelings, a partner should be there for you like you are for them. I had to help my ex through his depressive and suicidal feelings but when I got like that months later he screamed at me, called me a psycho etc etc.

 

Tell him if he comes over you'll get a restraining order. He's emotionally abusive to you, he needs to stay away and you need to stay away from him because this behaviour will not change. Don't let him come back because even you know this cycle will just continue and continue. And if he finds a way to contact you on something else ignore it. Don't respond.

 

Also my ex was exactly the same with the friends thing! He's being emotionally abusive and controlling by making you not see your friends and making you feel like it's not okay for you to open up about your feelings.

 

It's upsetting because I can relate to you so much, my ex was very similar to yours and eventually this emotionally abusive behaviour became physical too and I don't want that to happen to you. Please don't go back to him and trust me you'll feel so much happier and more positive without him.

 

Make sure you have a great support network around you, call your friends and family for help and support, not him. Re connect with old friends he stopped you from talking to. Work on how to get away from him and get back to your old self, not on how to get him back.

[cadams0315]

He doesn't sound like stable relationship material. The offer for breakfast/dinner after the return from the trip was a power play to get back at you. He places all the blame on you and accepts no fault, like he is a superior being who never miscommunicates, screws up, whatever. VERY RARELY is one person solely responsible when this happens. In the example you provided, he feels entitled after doing a disappearing act for two weeks, which is preposterous.

 

Most all relationships hit bumps and curves, but mature ppl can logically have a mature discussion and sort things out. Otherwise, the foundation was baseless from the start. You'd be doing yourself a favor to use this breakup as an opportunity to evaluate if this is the way you want to spend your life, with a loose, vindictive, self-center canon.

 

Thanks for the validation. I was beginning to think I was wrong for making other plans for that weekend get away. He would bring it up on occasions after we got back together that time. I am glad you said loose, vindictive, self-centered as I was thinking these things about him as well. I would also throw in there controlling, manipulative, and chauvinistic.

 

 

I was strong, bubbly, cheerful, confident and very independent before I met him. Right now, I am feeling weak, sad, depressed, withdrawn, anxious, insecure, and dependent on him. I feel like I need him to survive. I don't know how I am going to get through without him. What can I do?

[cadams0315]

When I say no contact I mean no contact whatsoever, block him, his family, his friends, as long as they're not your friends. Then there's no way he can contact you. Don't check his social media, trust me, it just sends your healing way back and after a few days and then weeks and then months the urge to check goes away more and more.

 

He's emotionally abusive to you, he needs to stay away and you need to stay away from him because this behaviour will not change. Don't let him come back because even you know this cycle will just continue and continue. And if he finds a way to contact you on something else ignore it. Don't respond.

 

Also my ex was exactly the same with the friends thing! He's being emotionally abusive and controlling by making you not see your friends and making you feel like it's not okay for you to open up about your feelings.

 

It's upsetting because I can relate to you so much, my ex was very similar to yours and eventually this emotionally abusive behaviour became physical too and I don't want that to happen to you. Please don't go back to him and trust me you'll feel so much happier and more positive without him.

 

Make sure you have a great support network around you, call your friends and family for help and support, not him. Re connect with old friends he stopped you from talking to. Work on how to get away from him and get back to your old self, not on how to get him back.

 

 

I called my cell carrier today and blocked all of his phone numbers, home, cell, and work numbers. He cannot use these phones to call me. It will be hard to no talk to him if he contacts me some other way. You mentioned emotionally abusive. Am I being emotionally abused? Also, this is a cycle? So this means, he will try again? Also, this could become physical?

 

 

I am so sorry to hear that yours escalated to physical abuse. It breaks my heart to hear this. I am so glad that you got away from that man.

 

 

I did call some old friends today. It felt good to talk to them again. Thank you for the suggestion.

[Downtown]

Cadams, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling, vindictive, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and temper tantrums.

 

Two other times before that, things weren't going his way and he broke up with me.

The repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of BPDers (i.e., people having strong BPD traits). A recent survey by BPDfamily found that 73% of BPDer relationships (with a nonBPDer) go through 3 or more full breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. Almost a fourth of them go through 10 or more B/M cycles before ending. See BPDfamily Poll on Breakup/Makeup Cycle.

 

The primary reason for this cycle is that a BPDer has two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- which lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you back away from one of his fears, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering the other. Hence, as you draw close to reassure him that you never will abandon him, you will start triggering his great fear of engulfment -- i.e., a suffocating feeling that he is being dominated and taken over by your strong personality.

 

To get breathing room, the BPDer will then create an argument -- over nothing at all -- to push you away. Then, as soon as his abandonment fear kicks in a few days or weeks later, he will try hard to suck you back into the relationship. In this way, BPDer relationships are characterized by a recurrent cycle of devaluation (to push you away) and love bombing (to pull you back).

 

I have never experienced depression like this until I started to date him.

If he really is a BPDer, consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling depressed and insecure after dating him for a year and a half. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is why therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

I let him know when he broke up with me this last time "and you wonder why I'm insecure? Our relationship has not exactly been a stable one".

This moment-to-moment insecurity you describe -- where you never know what minor comment or action will trigger his anger or another breakup -- is called "walking on eggshells." It is a very common feeling for the abused partners of BPDers. This is why the best-selling book about BPD (targeted to those abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

Yet, if your exBF really does have strong BPD traits, you likely would have been seeing some other warning signs that are a part of that pattern. If you are interested, you will find a list of such red flags in my post at 18 Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in my posts at Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Cadams.

[Toodaloo]

I was strong, bubbly, cheerful, confident and very independent before I met him. Right now, I am feeling weak, sad, depressed, withdrawn, anxious, insecure, and dependent on him. I feel like I need him to survive. I don't know how I am going to get through without him. What can I do?

 

You have been there before you can get there again.

 

Just keep this one out of your life.

 

He has been bringing you down to make himself feel more secure.

 

Don't go back. Stay away and you will be that strong, bubby girl again.

 

You don't need a person who is going to drag you down and try to control you in your life. You need a man who will support and encourage you. Now you are free take some time out to heal then go get one. They are out there and they are amazing guys.

[cadams0315]

Cadams, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational jealousy, controlling, vindictive, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

I caution that BPD is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as very controlling behavior, always being "The Victim," and temper tantrums.

 

The repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back is one of the hallmarks of BPDers (i.e., people having strong BPD traits). A recent survey by BPDfamily found that 73% of BPDer relationships (with a nonBPDer) go through 3 or more full breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending. Almost a fourth of them go through 10 or more B/M cycles before ending. See BPDfamily Poll on Breakup/Makeup Cycle.

 

The primary reason for this cycle is that a BPDer has two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- which lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means that, as you back away from one of his fears, you necessarily are drawing closer to triggering the other. Hence, as you draw close to reassure him that you never will abandon him, you will start triggering his great fear of engulfment -- i.e., a suffocating feeling that he is being dominated and taken over by your strong personality.

 

To get breathing room, the BPDer will then create an argument -- over nothing at all -- to push you away. Then, as soon as his abandonment fear kicks in a few days or weeks later, he will try hard to suck you back into the relationship. In this way, BPDer relationships are characterized by a recurrent cycle of devaluation (to push you away) and love bombing (to pull you back).

 

If he really is a BPDer, consider yourself lucky that you are only feeling depressed and insecure after dating him for a year and a half. Of the 157 disorders listed in the APA's diagnostic manual (DSM-5), BPD is the one most notorious for making a large share of the abused partners feel like they may be losing their minds. This is why therapists see far more of those abused partners -- coming in to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the BPDers themselves.

 

This moment-to-moment insecurity you describe -- where you never know what minor comment or action will trigger his anger or another breakup -- is called "walking on eggshells." It is a very common feeling for the abused partners of BPDers. This is why the best-selling book about BPD (targeted to those abused partners) is called Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

Yet, if your exBF really does have strong BPD traits, you likely would have been seeing some other warning signs that are a part of that pattern. If you are interested, you will find a list of such red flags in my post at 18 Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in my posts at Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Cadams.

 

 

This might be why he would go through disappearing for weeks at a time without contacting me. And not returning my calls/texts when I reached out to him during his disappearing episodes. Is this a fair statement?

 

 

So this means, since he broke up with me, he needed breathing room. And then, once he starts to feel abandoned, he will reach out to me again? I have blocked all of his numbers, email, and any social media that I was connected to him. Does this mean, he might come to my house if he cannot get a hold of me through these mediums? Just trying to get a grip on this disorder. How do I deal with this? Any suggestions?

 

 

 

On the contrary, I am in counseling on a weekly basis because of how I feel within the relationship. I was also hospitalized twice in the last 12 months due to my feelings of inadequacy and feeling like I'm the one who is causing all of the turmoil in the relationship.

 

 

I am going to have to get this book as I always feel like I am walking on eggshells. I cannot zig when I am supposed to zag, so to speak. I cannot stand how I am feeling right now.

[opalant]

Blocking him was good! It will help you to withdraw from him, I know you feel dependent on him, I found it helpful to turn to friends and family instead when I felt like turning to him, eventually my need to turn to my ex disappeared so try this!

Also yes it is a cycle as you've mentioned it has happened more than once and when you get back together the problems don't go away. It might not turn physical but it's always a possiblility so you have to be careful.

To me it does sound like you're being emotionally abused. Like yourself I was very bubbly and happy before I met my ex, a couple of months later I was suicidal and depressed, it kind of creeps up on you and you don't realise that they're doing it. But now you do make it give you the motivation to get away from him. I've been five months without my ex now and I've improved so much, I'm back to my normal self so it does get better.

If you're serious about finally moving on from him this time I'd suggest threatening him with a restraining order, and then actually getting one if he continues to come and try and see you, you don't need this kind of toxic relationship in your life.

It's good that you're in counselling too, they'll be able to help you deal with this and understand it a lot better.

[Downtown]

This might be why he would go through disappearing for weeks at a time without contacting me. And not returning my calls/texts when I reached out to him during his disappearing episodes. Is this a fair statement?

Yes, Cadams, if he has strong BPD traits (or, alternatively, Avoidant PD traits), it likely would explain the repeated disappearing acts. A BPDer typically withdraws for two reasons. One is that your intimacy and closeness with him triggers his engulfment fear -- causing him to feel suffocated and controled by you. The other is that you've triggered his abandonment fear when you enforce a personal boundary, which he misinterprets as proof that you are intending to eventually leave him. He therefore preemptively abandons you to put an end to that growing, painful fear -- and to prevent you from doing it to him.

 

That said, I have never met him and thus cannot judge how strong and persistent his BPD traits are. You are in the best position to do that. This is why I suggested you take a look at the list of 18 BPD warning signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, it likely would be prudent to read the more detailed explanation of them at the Rebel's thread cite I provided above.

 

So this means, since he broke up with me, he needed breathing room. And then, once he starts to feel abandoned, he will reach out to me again?

If he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), yes, it is likely he will contact you to renew the cycle. But it is not certain. At some point, even a BPDer will look elsewhere to replace you. As I said, the BPDfamily poll found that 73% of BPDer relationships go through at least 3 full cycles before eventually ending in a permanent breakup. And a fourth of them go through at least 10 full cycles before ending. Nothing is certain, however.

 

How do I deal with this? Any suggestions?

I agree with Opalantand other respondents that you should go NC, which gives you the best opportunity to heal as rapidly as possible from this toxic relationship. If he stalks you, I suggest obtaining a R/O from the police.

 

If you decide he is strongly exhibiting most of the BPD warning signs in my list, I would suggest you read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10). Both are at the "Articles" page of the BPDfamily website. While you're there, you might want to participate (or at least lurk) at the "Leaving" message board.

 

But don't forget those of us here at LoveShack. We want to keep helping you as long as you find our shared experiences helpful. If you want to discuss his BPD traits any further, it would be helpful if you would tell us which of the 18 red flags are strongest and which do not seem to apply.

 

Finally, for a good book, you could read the Stop Walking on Eggshells I mentioned earlier. Another best seller, Cadams, is I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!

[cadams0315]

Blocking him was good! It will help you to withdraw from him, I know you feel dependent on him, I found it helpful to turn to friends and family instead when I felt like turning to him, eventually my need to turn to my ex disappeared so try this!

Also yes it is a cycle as you've mentioned it has happened more than once and when you get back together the problems don't go away. It might not turn physical but it's always a possiblility so you have to be careful.

To me it does sound like you're being emotionally abused. Like yourself I was very bubbly and happy before I met my ex, a couple of months later I was suicidal and depressed, it kind of creeps up on you and you don't realise that they're doing it. But now you do make it give you the motivation to get away from him. I've been five months without my ex now and I've improved so much, I'm back to my normal self so it does get better.

If you're serious about finally moving on from him this time I'd suggest threatening him with a restraining order, and then actually getting one if he continues to come and try and see you, you don't need this kind of toxic relationship in your life.

It's good that you're in counselling too, they'll be able to help you deal with this and understand it a lot better.

 

I can relate to you as I have been suicidal and depressed more since I have met him then I have been before. I have battled depression and anxiety all my life and I haven't had a flair up till I began dating him.

 

 

This no contact is very difficult. It actually is raising my anxiety levels. They are skyrocketing. I honestly feel like a part of me is missing and I feel as though I cannot live with him. This pain is horrible. I miss talking to him, I miss seeing him, I miss laughing with him. We did have some good times when we were together and when that occurred, things were really good. I have done to pros and cons list, but the cons do outweigh the pros by a long shot. I can't deal with this. I just want to crawl under a rock and never come out of it.

 

 

I have read up on what Downtown has posted and everything I have read about BPD spells my ex to a "T". I just feel like if I were a better girlfriend, none of this would have happened.

[Downtown]

I just feel like if I were a better girlfriend, none of this would have happened.

Cadams, that is just a feeling. Don't believe it. If he has strong BPD traits, that feeling of not being good enough is how you can expect to feel. That's how people feel who are dating emotionally unstable partners. This is especially true for us caregivers.

 

We are mistakenly convinced that, if we can only figure out what WE are doing wrong, we can restore our BPDer partner to that wonderful person we saw at the beginning -- and continue to see sporadically during the brief periods the BPDer is splitting us "white" instead of "black."

[cadams0315]

Cadams, that is just a feeling. Don't believe it. If he has strong BPD traits, that feeling of not being good enough is how you can expect to feel. That's how people feel who are dating emotionally unstable partners. This is especially true for us caregivers.

 

We are mistakenly convinced that, if we can only figure out what WE are doing wrong, we can restore our BPDer partner to that wonderful person we saw at the beginning -- and continue to see sporadically during the brief periods the BPDer is splitting us "white" instead of "black."

 

I completely blame myself for the way he treated me. He was so charming, romantic, expressive, loving, affectionate and supportive when I first met him. That only lasted for a few months. Then he changed. Everytime, we got back together, he would be like this too for a short period of time. I found myself having to ask for these things constantly once he stopped giving them. Why? I don't understand why he stopped doing these things. Other then it was something I did to cause him to change.

[boltam]

He seems to have this passive aggressive thing going, and he cannot accept any form of criticism. He responds to your efforts to communicate your concerns by breaking up with you and cursing you out.

 

There's no way to have an effective, open, caring relationship with a person who has such issues.

 

You can expect him to act completely different now that you've cut him off.

 

He'll promise you the world and more, but if you let him back in, it won't last. He's just not capable.

 

Have you been emotionally abused? Depends on where you draw the line. Being cursed at would be considered emotional abuse by many. Either way, who needs it?

[Downtown]

He was so charming, romantic, expressive, loving, affectionate and supportive when I first met him.... I don't understand why he stopped doing these things. Other then it was something I did to cause him to change.

Cadams, if he has strong narcissistic traits, the reason he alternated between hot and cold was his desire to manipulate and use you. Yet, if he has strong BPD traits as you suspect, the reason is that he likely has the emotional development of a four year old.

 

This means that his two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. Hence, as you move close you start triggering his engulfment fear because he cannot tolerate intimacy for too long. And, if you move away, you start triggering his abandonment fear.

 

The result is that you are always in a lose/lose situation no matter what you do. Even if you sit perfectly still and keep your mouth shut, your mere presence in the room is sufficient to trigger a BPDer's fears because his subconscious will project them onto you. That's done to protect his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality.

 

Hence, if he really is a BPDer, you should not be asking why you kept triggering his anger but, rather, why you believe you could have done otherwise. The answer is that, once you are in a close relationship with a BPDer, it is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid triggering one fear or the other. There is no midpoints position -- between "too close" and "too far away" -- where you can safely stand and avoid triggering his fears and anger. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, only to eventually realize it doesn't exist.

[cadams0315]

Cadams, if he has strong narcissistic traits, the reason he alternated between hot and cold was his desire to manipulate and use you. Yet, if he has strong BPD traits as you suspect, the reason is that he likely has the emotional development of a four year old.

 

This means that his two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- lie at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. Hence, as you move close you start triggering his engulfment fear because he cannot tolerate intimacy for too long. And, if you move away, you start triggering his abandonment fear.

 

The result is that you are always in a lose/lose situation no matter what you do. Even if you sit perfectly still and keep your mouth shut, your mere presence in the room is sufficient to trigger a BPDer's fears because his subconscious will project them onto you. That's done to protect his fragile ego from seeing too much of reality.

 

Hence, if he really is a BPDer, you should not be asking why you kept triggering his anger but, rather, why you believe you could have done otherwise. The answer is that, once you are in a close relationship with a BPDer, it is IMPOSSIBLE to avoid triggering one fear or the other. There is no midpoints position -- between "too close" and "too far away" -- where you can safely stand and avoid triggering his fears and anger. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, only to eventually realize it doesn't exist.

I don't want to talk anymore of these BPDs. Ive got a grip on it now but I don't know for sure that my ex has this as I'm not a licensed professional. It's been a week now since he broke up with me and I'm hurting so bad. I feel like my heart was ripped out and stomped on into a millions pieces. I've gone NC since he broke up with me. It's not working as I am feeling like contacting him. Will he contact me? What should I do? Help! This is the worst heartbreak I've ever experienced.

[opalant]

Talking about it being a possibility isn't you diagnosing him so don't worry about that.

 

It's only been a week so how you feel is very understandable, NC is working, you need to keep at it and don't cave in, NC is extremely difficult, and at first you're going to want to push against the boundary you're putting on yourself and contact him but don't, leave the room, leave the house, call someone else or post on here, do anything but contact him because trust me you really won't feel any better after having spoken to him.

 

Block him so that if he does contact you you won't know, this will make moving on so much easier because if he does reach out (which will probably just be for his ego btw) it'll be hard for you to ignore it.

 

Take it easy, lie in bed, cry and scream, eat comfort food, watch happy films etc. Do all the cliche break up stuff, but don't do this for too long. Seen as the break up is fresh you need to allow yourself to let these emotions out, but don't reach out to him for comfort, he can't comfort you because he's the one that's hurt you.

[Realitycol]

Sunday I was feeling a bit insecure about something and called it to my boyfriend's attention. To which, he got angry, used vulgarity like he always did whenever I would bring something up, even politely, that I'm concerned about, or offended by something he said or did. Poor communication skill on his end. You sound like you are level headed and want to work things out. He is vulgar and gets uptight, red flag. No thanks. Someone who loves you doesn't treat you like that. At any rate, he said I had nothing to worry about on Sunday. Last night, we were supposed together. However, I was feeling a bit depressed and wasn't in the right frame of mind to get together. I told him I would need to take a rain check because I wasn't feeling up to getting together. I told him I needed to go and talk to my best friend and try to clear my head. I told him I'd call him when I got back from my friend's house or I will call him in the morning. You were very communicative yet he's going to block you. He said ok, I will wait to hear from you. This morning I noticed he blocked me on Facebook. I thought, here it comes again, he's going to break up with me again. He doesn't communicate what his issue is. Has no guts to TALK To you about what it is that's bothering him. Doesn't have the balls to meet up and spare his time of the day to talk or try to work it out or even to break up with you, why mourn over such person? So, I called him like I said I was going to and he did indeed breakup with me. Seems if he gets mad or things don't go his way, he resorts to breaking up. What am I supposed to do? Should I call him? How am I to deal with this breakup? It hurts so bad.

 

I wrote what I got out of your message with bold. What should you do? Thank him and everything that it's ended. Yeah your ego and time invested is gone. Yes, you are alone for just now. Yes, it hurts, trust me, I got dumped in worse ways and yeah, it hurt alright.

 

However, stop the mourning and crying and feeling sorry for yourself for just one second. You got one life. How do you want to spend every day is up to you. It's not up to him or your next best interest. You want to cry over someone who doesn't want to spare his time or put in an ounce of effort to resolve things with you? Who treats you with passive aggression? Who thinks you aren't worth his time and breath of explanation? F'that hun.

 

You deserve someone who won't throw you aside, because it didn't go their selfish way. You deserve someone who WANTS to be with you. Someone who WANTS to put in 100% of his sweat/blood/tears. Relationship takes TWO people and it takes A LOOOOT of work. Nothing is easy in life, why fret over losing someone who doesn't want to work with you or make things better with you. You deserve someone who WILL put in that extra ounce of effort each and every spare moment they got.

 

Brush this loser off and find a real man that CHERISHES YOU like YOU deserve. Please do it not for me or your readers, do it FOR YOURSELF. You need to be happy. You got one life. We don't need another pissed off or depressed person walking all over the world. We need happy people who are stable and can help others who needs to be picked up off the ground.

 

Lots of people who browse this site/forum are mostly here because they don't know how to pick themselves up.

 

We are so used to our mom or dad picking up after our mess. Patching up our injury from the playground and making the pain go away. Also, visitations to our doctors to make pain go away. We don't want to admit it, but when it comes to heartaches and love pains, there's nothing anybody can to give you a quick and simple cure. It's all on you. I can spam you with helpful messages and give you guidance and even though you may read it and thumbs up it, it's nothing until you yourself believe in it and pick yourself up and love yourself and fight for yourself. I'm not saying be selfish. Find happiness, but not by leaning solely on others. It's how you perceive and view situations that brings happiness. There are people who cry from self-pity, because they are eating a baloney sandwich for the umpteenth time for dinner while there are people who can't even force themselves to cry, because malnutrition.

Edited October 26, 2015 by Realitycol

[cadams0315]

I wrote what I got out of your message with bold. What should you do? Thank him and everything that it's ended. Yeah your ego and time invested is gone. Yes, you are alone for just now. Yes, it hurts, trust me, I got dumped in worse ways and yeah, it hurt alright.

 

However, stop the mourning and crying and feeling sorry for yourself for just one second. You got one life. How do you want to spend every day is up to you. It's not up to him or your next best interest. You want to cry over someone who doesn't want to spare his time or put in an ounce of effort to resolve things with you? Who treats you with passive aggression? Who thinks you aren't worth his time and breath of explanation? F'that hun.

 

You deserve someone who won't throw you aside, because it didn't go their selfish way. You deserve someone who WANTS to be with you. Someone who WANTS to put in 100% of his sweat/blood/tears. Relationship takes TWO people and it takes A LOOOOT of work. Nothing is easy in life, why fret over losing someone who doesn't want to work with you or make things better with you. You deserve someone who WILL put in that extra ounce of effort each and every spare moment they got.

 

Brush this loser off and find a real man that CHERISHES YOU like YOU deserve. Please do it not for me or your readers, do it FOR YOURSELF. You need to be happy. You got one life. We don't need another pissed off or depressed person walking all over the world. We need happy people who are stable and can help others who needs to be picked up off the ground.

 

Lots of people who browse this site/forum are mostly here because they don't know how to pick themselves up.

 

We are so used to our mom or dad picking up after our mess. Patching up our injury from the playground and making the pain go away. Also, visitations to our doctors to make pain go away. We don't want to admit it, but when it comes to heartaches and love pains, there's nothing anybody can to give you a quick and simple cure. It's all on you. I can spam you with helpful messages and give you guidance and even though you may read it and thumbs up it, it's nothing until you yourself believe in it and pick yourself up and love yourself and fight for yourself. I'm not saying be selfish. Find happiness, but not by leaning solely on others. It's how you perceive and view situations that brings happiness. There are people who cry from self-pity, because they are eating a baloney sandwich for the umpteenth time for dinner while there are people who can't even force themselves to cry, because malnutrition.

 

I so appreciate your reply to my post. It was rather harsh but nonetheless,it was the harsh truth and it does help to put things in perspective for me. I am a very articulate communicative, expressive individual and I believe communication is very important in a relationship. My ex couldn't handle it at all. Whether I said something good, bad or indifferent and would fly off the handle. I now think perhaps he is just emotionally unavailable for anyone, not just me. So, I am not taking this personally anymore. Everything you said to me makes complete sense to me but nevertheless I am still in pain over losing him on one side of the coin. On the other side, I am a bit numb to it because he has broken up with me four times since we been together. And it was always over something that didn't go "his way". You're right, relationships require work and they are two way streets, not one way. I do love him with all my heart and that is what he lost when he broke up with me. I only lost a man that didn't truly love me. So in essence its a gain. I still have some of his stuff at my house. Do I just discard it or contact him to get his crap out of here? or Do you think he will contact me? I don't want to contact him whatsoever because it will only just re-enforce his childish behavior.