dj6 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I'm going to 100% unbiased here. I'm a boy, relationship for 9 years, engaged for over 1 year. My fiance still chats with a guy she had a sexual relationship with a few months before we met. This really beats me up when I think about it, sometimes to the point when I a feel like finishing it all as she knows it gets to me. Why does she still need to speak to him? She occasionally visits him too. She wonders why I get paranoid and upset. She says it nothing, just friends. I've cut all my female friends off because she wasn't happy about it. Maybe it is just nothing...but still! I don't want to end it because it's 9 years of hard work but why can't she stop talking to this guy? I just needed to vent. I've never spoke to anyone about before. Maybe I'm a bit biased.... Thoughts? thanks
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 If you have expressed your feelings to your fiance....and she is insensitive to them...there is an issue....this could be a clue to how things might be down the road. She has to respect your wishes. I respect that you have broken all ties with old relationships...and if you feel she should also...then she should do it for you. I agree with the way you feel....I don't think her behavior is appropriate. Here's the thing for me....you cannot help how you feel. So whether she agrees with you or not....she has to be considerate of your feelings.
Author dj6 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Thanks. We still have a pretty good relationship, we still have good times and don't argue much, if at all. I don't spy on her phone but when I see her messaging him it winds me up and when she visits him....arghhhhh I'm like "WHY! Why must you physically visit this man!" He also has a g/f so I'm not sure how she feels, I would imagine she doesn't know about their past as I know they were at it when they were on a break. We have been together since my mid teens, I'm now mid twenties and I honestly don't know how I would cope if I was on my own. I'm a very reasonable and calm man, perhaps too reasonable. It feels better even just talking about it.
kgcolonel Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Dj6, if you really want to get to the bottom of this, tell her to invite him and his GF over for dinner.....that way everyone knows what's on the table.
d0nnivain Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 What's good for the goose is good for the gander. If you gave up all your female friends because your GF/FI didn't like them, then I don't understand why she won't do the same for you. Two problems though. One if you have been together for 9 years & this has been going on the whole time it's a little late in the game to complain now & expect change. Two, knowing this problem exists, why did you propose? A proposal indicates that you are willing to spend the rest of your life with her as is. That is clearly not the case because you still resent the EX. I'm not saying you are wrong to be annoyed. I am saying the time to do something about it was 8.5 years ago.
road Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I'm a boy, relationship for 9 years, engaged for over 1 year. My fiance still chats with a guy she had a sexual relationship with a few months before we met. This really beats me up when I think about it, sometimes to the point when I a feel like finishing it all as she knows it gets to me. Why does she still need to speak to him? She occasionally visits him too. She wonders why I get paranoid and upset. She says it nothing, just friends. I've cut all my female friends off because she wasn't happy about it. Maybe it is just nothing...but still! I don't want to end it because it's 9 years of hard work but why can't she stop talking to this guy? She made you drop all your female friends. She refuses to drop all of her male friends. Stop being a boy and man up. Dump her. You worry about wasting nine years hard work. If it felt like work then it is not a good relationship. Things will not be better a year from now. Dump her before you wake up and find that you have wasted ten years.
Zippy2000 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 She made you drop all your female friends. She refuses to drop all of her male friends. Stop being a boy and man up. Dump her. You worry about wasting nine years hard work. If it felt like work then it is not a good relationship. Things will not be better a year from now. Dump her before you wake up and find that you have wasted ten years. I wish people would just stop saying "dump her". Its not as easy as that for the poster. Its 9 years he`s built up with this woman. Its easier said than done. Put yourself in his shoes before you saying something as insensitve as that!!
ltjg45 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I wish people would just stop saying "dump her". Its not as easy as that for the poster. Its 9 years he`s built up with this woman. Its easier said than done. Put yourself in his shoes before you saying something as insensitve as that!! The first major mistake was that he stayed with this woman for 9 years despite an issue of this magnitude is still going on. He even proposed as well, which is just as stupid. Honestly, the suggestion that he needs to "man up" is the best response. If he actually made his concerns known clearly, there would be an answer to this mess: Either she cuts out all contact with her ex for the benefit of her relationship or don't and let the current relationship come to an end. This is, frankly, the OP's fault for allowing this to go on for this long.
Zippy2000 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 The first major mistake was that he stayed with this woman for 9 years despite an issue of this magnitude is still going on. He even proposed as well, which is just as stupid. Honestly, the suggestion that he needs to "man up" is the best response. If he actually made his concerns known clearly, there would be an answer to this mess: Either she cuts out all contact with her ex for the benefit of her relationship or don't and let the current relationship come to an end. This is, frankly, the OP's fault for allowing this to go on for this long. Good response and very mature. In some ways you are right. However this man was part of her history. I would communicate that to her. I certainly wouldnt be happy for my girlfriend was talking to her ex. Maybe make an ulitmatum. Is she can still see her ex. Why cant he still see his femal friends? Works both ways!
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