LustStruck Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 and 6 months after our last hookup, I can't shake him out of my mind. flash back 8 months ago, I knocked on the door of a traveling man that I'd only spoken to via text and a spoof POF account for several weeks.. I was separated from my husband and he made me laugh.. I even asked him to 'leave my body in a ditch in a 'nice' neighborhood ditch... He promised I was safe. I was secretly inlove with his depth... He travels for work and we were "supposed" to meet in public, but he was too tired... and I really needed to get into something. I knocked on the door, and it was opened by a man a couple inches taller than I am. He let me in, offered me a drink (water.. I asked for water). We sat on his fairly large couch: big enough our feet went opposite ways and his lips landed on my neck... I gave him the "we're both adults and I'm not emotionally attached to sex" line... and it was so.. good... we agreed we should do it again.. More fun texts and a month later, we connected again at his condo during the day... again, great. Two weeks later, he wanted to see me, and I almost stood him up because of a friend's crisis... Long story short, I stayed the night. Random texts, a plan to make a plan for me to deliver cookies, and he fell off the planet after deciding to go on a diet.... He "wasn't ready for a relationship, but liked me" My texts started to go unanswered... He sent me a text one day about "not having to pretend to be somebody else to talk to him." I had no idea what he was talking about, so I said hi... Month later, I see him at event out of town, but pretend not to, because that would be weird... He might have seen me... might not... Last month, I started a game of "Words with Friends" with him... he didn't respond for a few days, but messaged me to say "hey" and that he was on vacation. He played back... I played back quick, and he took 6 days... and again... until one night he must have been bored, because we actually each got 3 words within an hour... but then took a 3 day hiatus to play back. Last night, I sent him a text about a band I saw at a local venue that would be up his alley... I sent him a link to the youtube channel I uploaded a video to.. he very quickly wrote back to tell me "thanks" and that he would give a listen... which, he did... I said they had a lot of good stuff and that I did not regret the 20.00 investment for 4 CDs and a sticker... and, nothing. Why can't I just give up? I try, and this sh*t hurts... So bad, that by not telling myself he would be "worth the wait to come around or come back and destroy me" I can't function like a human being... It's so bad, my almost-ex talked me into going to counseling... which I just coasted through, as I have thoroughly gone numb to everything else... He's "never been happier"... Is it worth holding on? Why can't he just man up and destroy me, block me or something? Where Did I go wrong? I was my usual sane self when I was around him... I'm pretty, fun, and d@mnit, people like me. Our interests were similar.. outdoorsy... At one point, I even told him to "enjoy his game of people" after I found another POF account that said he "wanted a r/s"...
jam.over.jelly Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I am under the impression that you were not looking for anything serious when you met this guy. You told him you "weren't emotionally attached". You got exactly what you wanted, sex without a commitment. You slept with him the first night you guys met, him not having to put in any effort at all, not even having to drive to see you...that itself isn't a good way to start getting to know someone, if something more serious is what you're looking for. He never pursued you, him not trying to talk to you rather than just to hook up, him not making the effort to connect with you on a deeper level, you should have seen it coming. The question isn't "why he can't man up and block you", it should be why are you expecting more from this man, when clearly you have set the tone from the beginning for him not to take you seriously? 4
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 You didn't do anything wrong. He just didn't feel interested enough to pursue a relationship with you. He even told you he didn't want a relationship. This was a hook-up for him, and he more or less let you know that when he sensed you were becoming more interested. I don't see why it's up to him to block you, though. You should woman up and have enough self-control not to go looking for him. But if you don't (and many of us don't!) why don't you block him to remove the temptation? 2
kendahke Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 if no strings attached sex was what you wanted, it looks like that's what you got. If a relationship was what you wanted, then it would be good policy to not lie about what you want. Everything you did after you two smashed screams "I want a relationship with you".
empresario Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 People will definitely tell you that you got what you deserved. And for good reason. You did kind of set the expectations pretty low from the get-go. Look at it this way. You never gave him the chance to adequately tell you whether or not he liked you. He may have not liked you at all...but hey, you were an easy lay. While you were setting those expectations (which by the way, is the basis of every relationship), you tried to pursue something real. Perhaps he did like you, but let's say for a second he did... A lot of guys are notoriously addicted to the BBD (bigger, better deal...thought I'd clarify as there is a euphemism or two in there). The second you presented no chase, mystique, or allure, was the second he had already moved onto the next girl. Guys are hunters. Competitive. Territorial. And you provided nothing to achieve. Hunters love the chase if the effort is worth it. If no effort is involved he doesn't have to like nor respect you enough to try. I apologize we had to come down on you like this...but you need to wake up and move on. The next guy you meet that you like, try enjoying the simple things first. Try hand holding. Try kissing. Those things are a lot of fun, too. And you may learn to enjoy that intimacy well enough that you can spend that time getting to know the person. You can always move forward in your physical relationship to create sparks...but you can never move backwards. I don't know, I'll stop rambling. My summary is: this guy is done with you. And he has every right to be. Now it's your choice to move on or not. 2
mystikmind2005 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I definitely think you are infatuated with an idea of a man which is not the reality. You know what happens to me in dating, women often are so taken by me at first saying how wonderful i am, how lucky they are to find me etc etc. My mistake is then to hang around long enough to allow them to discover the real me, which they don't like! lol
thecrucible Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I don't know, I'll stop rambling. My summary is: this guy is done with you. And he has every right to be. Now it's your choice to move on or not. Blunt truths right from the horse's mouth. I know from personal experience as well. You never get sexually involved with a man quickly unless you don't want anything serious. This reminds me of what this blog post from The Rules Revisited said. I know a lot of people that think it's sexist nonsense but every guy I've met thinks exactly like you just said, he just won't necessarily tell you upfront.
siriusp Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 There it is again - that 'rule' on LS! Most of my friends that are in long marriages slept together either straight away or very early on. They would laugh at the idea of waiting. But everybody is entitled to their own opinion. Personally I wouldn't want a guy that thinks like that - I'd prefer someone more 'evolved'. There are plenty of them fortunately! 1
empresario Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 There it is again - that 'rule' on LS! Most of my friends that are in long marriages slept together either straight away or very early on. They would laugh at the idea of waiting. But everybody is entitled to their own opinion. Personally I wouldn't want a guy that thinks like that - I'd prefer someone more 'evolved'. There are plenty of them fortunately! Exactly, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. To have sex right away, you have to be alright with the relationship only amounting to sex. That's a truth. Expecting more than FWB and in the same context thinking sex right away won't imply that...is ignorant. It may result in more...but there's a good chance it won't. That's kind of like trying to beat the house. You may once in a while...but you're going to walk away empty-handed more times than not. In my case, I lose interest the second a woman implies sex before/during a first date. I just can't fathom ever taking that woman seriously and as such won't waste my time. It's like trying to get a kid to like you by buying them something. It may work for a while but it's all superficial. I can't imagine any guy would take that woman seriously whether they chose to act on it or not. Unless they were perceived as way out of their league or something. But, every person is different, as you said. For me, it boils down to mind over matter (in this case defined as animalistic instinct). Our culture has just overcome sexual repression...like a sheltered kid that goes to college for the first time. That's not a bad thing, but it will take time for us to settle down as a culture and to stop confusing sex with intimacy (and affection). Do I like sex? Absolutely. Do I need it to function as a human-being? No (and neither does anyone else). My self-discipline is stronger than that. I dropped some mad similes in this.
thecrucible Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 There it is again - that 'rule' on LS! Most of my friends that are in long marriages slept together either straight away or very early on. They would laugh at the idea of waiting. But everybody is entitled to their own opinion. Personally I wouldn't want a guy that thinks like that - I'd prefer someone more 'evolved'. There are plenty of them fortunately! Despite what I said here, I actually had a long term relationship with a guy I had sex with on the first date once. . So not everything fits the mould. But I think it was just lucky and it helped that we were both inexperienced. I don't see the point in needlessly waiting but even though I have a high drive, I find I can't have sex too early if I don't feel like I can trust the guy. As long as I can trust him, I feel good about it. Euurgh I was seeing a guy earlier this year and I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere so I didn't let it get to the sexy...but boy I can't help daydreaming about him in his leather jacket on his motorbike
empresario Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Despite what I said here, I actually had a long term relationship with a guy I had sex with on the first date once. . So not everything fits the mould. But I think it was just lucky and it helped that we were both inexperienced. I don't see the point in needlessly waiting but even though I have a high drive, I find I can't have sex too early if I don't feel like I can trust the guy. As long as I can trust him, I feel good about it. Euurgh I was seeing a guy earlier this year and I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere so I didn't let it get to the sexy...but boy I can't help daydreaming about him in his leather jacket on his motorbike All I can think of is Sons of Anarchy. Sorry. Haha.
thecrucible Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 All I can think of is Sons of Anarchy. Sorry. Haha. Ooh I just looked that up. He's cuter than the guys on that show but kind of dresses the same. He also drives a sports car but I told myself I am not going to be shallow. Because I realised no matter how attractive he was, we didn't really have much to talk about or connect to in a meaningful way. Plus our "dates" consisted of me joining him and his friends to hang out and play pool. I never went back to his flat or anything. But this is the perfect example of a situation where having sex early would have been a bad plan. He just kind of stopped texting me and then a couple of weeks later, I was on a lunch date in a restaurant with a girlfriend and saw him taking a different girl out for a proper date. I thought "phew. I made the right decision" because it was even more glaringly obvious this guy didn't take me seriously. The guy I mentioned that I slept with early in the relationship and ended up long-term with didn't work out very well. My friend slept with her long-term boyfriend early but they'd been talking a lot online before they met. Incidentally, I still think it's good not to wait too long but I would say that now I really enjoy the build-up and sex is better and more enjoyable in a situation of trust and while it doesn't have to be love, there should be some feeling of something I think.. Anyway sorry didn't mean to verbal diarrhea at you.
Author LustStruck Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 The tough love is appreciated. In my past, everybody I ever had a booty call with, became a relationship... It was just weird, because he wanted to snuggle and he wanted to see me after the last time, but then we could never reconnect... he asked me a few months ago what I was doing, but I had plans. When he opened the door the first time, I was like, "meh, nah" but then the sex was amazing and for the first time in years, I felt connected. The "Why can't he block me thing", is because if he never wanted to hear from me again, wouldn't he do that? He's told me I can talk to him... but I usually don't. Bc I don't want to be "that girl"... he did start up a text conversation the last time I felt week and told him I wouldn't bug him, but it was a funny picture he would like... I hate me. .. lol
Author LustStruck Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 I keep having this fantasy, where I get to introduce myself as a human being.. like, for real. I mean, seriously... he knows I give great head... during his business calls... I'm smart, I'm funny, I take great care of myself... I guess my ego is just deflated...
mystikmind2005 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Hmmm, well lets face it, the most likely reason a guy will do this is because he has/found someone else.... possibly got caught messaging you or something, had to promise no further contact.
joseb Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I was very confused by your post. You laid out the scenario where you went for a booty call, told him you wanted no emotional attachment and now somehow he did something wrong by doing exactly what you asked? Did I miss something?? In my past, everybody I ever had a booty call with, became a relationship Really? Or was it everyone that you happened to sleep with ended up in a relationship. Big difference between sex on a first date that led to something versus and arranged and agreed NSA sex romp. It was just weird, because he wanted to snuggle and he wanted to see me after the last time, but then we could never reconnect... he asked me a few months ago what I was doing, but I had plans. You are not a hooker, so it's not weird he would snuggle. I snuggle after sex with my NSA **** buddy, and I look forward to seeing her again soon. Doesn't mean that we are in love or anything! When he opened the door the first time, I was like, "meh, nah" but then the sex was amazing and for the first time in years, I felt connected. So yeah the sex was amazing, great - isn't that what a booty call is supposed to be? And as you say - you are "both adults and I'm not emotionally attached to sex" so there is no confusion, right??????
Author LustStruck Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 I was very confused by your post. You laid out the scenario where you went for a booty call, told him you wanted no emotional attachment and now somehow he did something wrong by doing exactly what you asked? Did I miss something?? Really? Or was it everyone that you happened to sleep with ended up in a relationship. Big difference between sex on a first date that led to something versus and arranged and agreed NSA sex romp. You are not a hooker, so it's not weird he would snuggle. I snuggle after sex with my NSA **** buddy, and I look forward to seeing her again soon. Doesn't mean that we are in love or anything! So yeah the sex was amazing, great - isn't that what a booty call is supposed to be? And as you say - you are "both adults and I'm not emotionally attached to sex" so there is no confusion, right?????? No, they were booty calls... that turned into "gosh you're awesome, let's date..." I can't say that I expected more, LIKE a rs out of him... maybe I just don't get why after 3 hook ups and talking about getting together that he fell off the planet and yet occasionally talks (boredom... i dig it)... or atleast hasn't completely erased me from his life by blocking me... I guess I'm not used to getting turned down... I'm pretty low mileage ( less than 10 )... I'm prettier (and ironically less vain) than the girls from his past that I could find... unfortunately that night, I was also easier... Now, he's just an itch I want to scratch... like a drug, I guess... but I don't know how, because I already feel like an easy piece... and I'm not crazy... so I can't just walk up to him and be like, "der, I felt something, and I can't shake it..." without being crazy and inevitably turned down. .. because just like you said: I said no strings. .. My brain and my heart are at war.
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