Guyouthere Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 15 minutes ago, I get a knock on my door, postman comes to deliver registered mail from the U.K. Evidently it is the ring I gave her. She sent it back. No note, nothing just the ring in a box. It still hit me.
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 15 minutes ago, I get a knock on my door, postman comes to deliver registered mail from the U.K. Evidently it is the ring I gave her. She sent it back. No note, nothing just the ring in a box. It still hit me. Yes, I am sure it did. I am sorry you're going through all this. 1
Author Guyouthere Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 It still goes through my mind,,,, because I know i said some things to her that were out of line,,,,' and the "what ifs" pops in. For whatever the reason, maybe because I felt real love for her, that this still cut me.
scooby-philly Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I fell you man. Sending that back like that isn't adult like and you may be better off because of it. Remember, it's a two way street. I'm sure you will continue the "what-if" thing - just don't get stuck there. Whether you're the type of person who blames themselves all the time, or the exact opposite, staying in the what-if mode forever (or just too long) doesn't help. She could have talked to you. She could have opened up. You could have said x, you could have said y. At this point, it seems like none of that matters though. Obviously we want to grow and to fix our mistakes and address our shortcomings. But there's also a point where you need to love yourself and respect yourself enough to say okay - if she doesn't love you enough then someone else will 2
GemmaUK Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Sad moment but it shows she isn't selfish. I don't know your history but at least you know you can pick someone who isn't all in it for themselves. Time to sell the ring and move on. 6
Author Guyouthere Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Im thinking she did it to preserve her own inflated ego. She had a very large ego, there is no doubt about it. She did claim she was on a "higher level", so in doing this, she is just likely proving it to herself. Overall it is her conclusion that she is done with me/us. So I will accept it for the best, that I have to believe I was saved something that could have made my life hell. There were indications it could have been either good or really bad had it "progressed" further. I think I have seen enough though, putting it all together. I can't deny the very fact that had she thought I was worth it, she wouldn't have been so unstable about us to begin with. There wouldn't have been all of this mess to begin with. It would have proceeded as a normal relationship does, and that is what I expected. Perhaps I expected too much given the circumstances. I had already come to the conclusion that she didn't love me as I did her, but was it her fault, or the lack of patience on my end? I don't know. The shock of getting the ring today was pretty hard, after all the last time I had it in my hand was when I placed it on her finger in the UK. She held it for 3 weeks, no contact during that time, other than a couple emails I sent which I don't know if she ever read.
GemmaUK Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) Why bother assuming anything? Pointless waste of energy. You wanted the ring back (I did end up reading part of a thread with 'ring' in the title). You now have it. Happy result if you did indeed want it back. Seems odd that she said she wasn't ready to marry but you let her have the ring anyway though. I don't get that bit. I'm not so sure how quick things will go about the necessary expenses which you paid for for her (tattoos or something?) but it could take a while longer for her to sell her jewellery to get the cash back to you on that. If I were you just thank her for the ring and write off the cash. Better for you to just forget about it isn't it? Edited October 20, 2015 by GemmaUK 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 You wanted the ring back, and you've said that you have left that girl (the 24 year old right??) behind you in the dust plus alot of bad things about her!! So congratulations, you are rid of her AND she is honorable enough to send the ring back and you have it! Clean finish!! :bunny: 1
Author Guyouthere Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Why bother assuming anything? Pointless waste of energy. You wanted the ring back (I did end up reading part of a thread with 'ring' in the title). You now have it. Happy result if you did indeed want it back. Seems odd that she said she wasn't ready to marry but you let her have the ring anyway though. I don't get that bit. I'm not so sure how quick things will go about the necessary expenses which you paid for for her (tattoos or something?) but it could take a while longer for her to sell her jewellery to get the cash back to you on that. If I were you just thank her for the ring and write off the cash. Better for you to just forget about it isn't it? I'll assume she will pay me the money back when she can. She said she would, time will tell. I let her have the ring because she was "confused", I believe she didn't know what she wanted at the time actually. I wish her well.
Author Guyouthere Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 You wanted the ring back, and you've said that you have left that girl (the 24 year old right??) behind you in the dust plus alot of bad things about her!! So congratulations, you are rid of her AND she is honorable enough to send the ring back and you have it! Clean finish!! :bunny: Yes I did. It just affected me today because I had it in my hand again…. brought back flashbacks of what went on in the UK. After all, I did put it on her finger.
GemmaUK Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I'll assume she will pay me the money back when she can. She said she would, time will tell. I let her have the ring because she was "confused", I believe she didn't know what she wanted at the time actually. I wish her well. You posted that she said she wasn't ready to marry you though (er, no I am confused! Lol!) Postage takes a while between the UK and US. Usually 2-3 weeks so she got it sorted as quick as she could from the sound of it. I'm glad you wish her well but you don't really seem to in other threads nor other parts of this thread so much. This clearly affected you so maybe take a break from dating just now. Might do you a lot of good and clear your head.
carhill Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 IMO, finished business has substantial value and you, OP, got a bonus here. Process it out and move on. Yeah, the coldness of a ring in a box can hurt, sure, but that's part of moving on too. IMO, the way it was done was perfect. No words to dissect nor ambiguities to process. Zippo. Excellent.
Author Guyouthere Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 You posted that she said she wasn't ready to marry you though (er, no I am confused! Lol!) Postage takes a while between the UK and US. Usually 2-3 weeks so she got it sorted as quick as she could from the sound of it. I'm glad you wish her well but you don't really seem to in other threads nor other parts of this thread so much. This clearly affected you so maybe take a break from dating just now. Might do you a lot of good and clear your head. What she said was "I'm not in a relationship" (after a while). Then she told me other stuff which had my head spinning, so I became as confused as she was (I really didn't know what to make of it). Maybe there were warning signs earlier on… like the example of how (after exposure to two guys, neither one she said was her type…), we had a discussion and somehow she thought I said she wanted the one guy for sex, which I never did. Upon that, she went off the wall, saying "You did a lot for me, I'll pay you back, etc.). That made me think….. you can talk to me like that after all we went through? Then it became the issue of me starting to feel that she just didn't have real feelings at all, and in the back of my head I started to think she MIGHT go off and drop me if the "right guy" came along. And so upon having additional talks, she started to drift away more, so the following day I just told her that "I want to date others". Mistake or not, I felt I needed to say it… BUT, it turned out that she met a guy a week prior to that conversation, and kept him hidden tom me, so I thought back and realized…. now I see why I felt as I did… its as though I subconsciously sensed it? So in reality, to sum it up…. I believe she was just really mixed up. The fact she felt our sex wasn't up to her "level" (like her ego as well), I think she started to think there was better out there for her. So when I accidently found that guy on her g+ profile, I asked her to explain, and so she did,,,, first saying that they didn't do anything intimate, then saying "we were done" when I said I wanted to date others. Basically a cover up. We had the last fight that night, was around the 13th of last month. No contact from her since then. The last fight consisted of heated words, I said "f-you", and she was nasty as well. So evidently she held the ring for some 3 weeks prior to mailing it. Overall, if I have to deal with something like this, I have to say I can't. I just had plenty of patience because I took into account how much stress she was under, so really took more than I non rally would in a relationship. I think she wanted out, just tried to justified her lack of feelings for me. Besides, I started to realize that perhaps this wasn't a good sign at all, that I had been deceived as a whole. I now see she has symptoms of Narcissism, Schizotypal, and or Sociopathy,,, or a mixture of all. I am not a therapist, but RH on here said that she didn't see the narc showing, so I am confused on this too. Overall I still retain myself as the person I was before, but it took a lot out of me because it was intense and I did care and love this girl. I did stand by her through hell because that is what a guy does for his woman. I "confirmed" things about me through this, how sincere and caring and loving i am. But then again, I already knew it too since I was married 15+ years. I await someone normal now. I think I deserve it. I know what I have to offer and will, but now I am going to extra cautious about who I want in my life. I don't want anymore of those types for sure. I took a hard hit, but I am a very strong guy too, so not worried at all.
Author Guyouthere Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 You posted that she said she wasn't ready to marry you though (er, no I am confused! Lol!) <----she had also said she wanted to keep it too, "in case" we were ever engaged later. So I left it with her in the UK. I wanted her to have it… because I sensed that she would want to get married in the future, and we had talked about it after that as well. After I had left the UK, she was still making comments about us getting a place, etc. She even told me to bring mom and move there (she had checked up on her benefits she would get for her being 90). I believe it was the "new guy" that really changed her. He looks a LOT like her ex boyfriend too, her age, and I believe that took precedence over any "loyally" that she claims I questioned. Mom was just asking me tonight again about the specifics of it. I told her that she (shaffaq is her name) had met that guy 1 week prior to me "pissing her off". Call it psychic intuition, I dunno, but thats what set us off fighting. Also, on a side note…. worth mentioning…. Like I said,,, I was married 15 years. My ex wife cheated… and did so on a very grand scale. I had to find out about it from her best friend (the one who died recently). My ex wife had countless men, set up POF profiles, and did everything you could imagine. Yes, no exaggeration. Thank God I don't have anything from that (you know what I mean). Strange thing was….. I "sensed" that too. I just felt that certain "something isn't right" with her too. I started to lose sleep, do crazy things like go out at night for a drive, just abnormal for me. I became very tense at times, didn't know why. I even went out treasure hunting at night, unheard of. I had never done things like that before. I was "picking up" on something I couldn't put my hands on. I am not a snooper either, but for whatever the reason, I had felt the need to pick up her phone (she had it locked), and I got on it and yes,,,, saw everything. I was right. She moved out for a couple months (I told her not to come back until she was sorry and cleaned up her mess). She did, or so I thought. That lasted 7 years… until one day out of the blue she walked in here with 2 police at the door. I am like "wtf"? She was here to take some things, and left. That was the end of it. We got divorced, and that was the end of it. But I do sense things,,, call it whatever,,, but same with this girl…. I felt something wasn't right. And it wasn't. I believe I just saved myself from a horror had I married her. After all, had I married this girl, if she HADNT healed, I would eventually be with her in the UK with only her, no family, and only God knows what that could have led to. I had actually planned to leave the USA and be with her when mom dies, maybe keep this house here, and then see how it went with Shaffaq. Shaffaq would have sponsored me to live in the UK. I also found that appealing since I really do have little to nothing keeping me where i am now. I have no other family here… I am 49, own my home outright, and really have no other obligations other than taking care of my mom. The idea of living in the UK very much appealed to me.
lil hoodlum Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Guyouthere, I know how much it hurts to lose someone you care so much about and sometimes it is even painful when you find out that they aren't who you thought they were. Be thankful you found these things about her early on instead of uprooting your life. I know you are a spiritual person, thank God that you have dodge a massive bullet. Keep your chin up, you will be fine.
Popsicle Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 15 minutes ago, I get a knock on my door, postman comes to deliver registered mail from the U.K. Evidently it is the ring I gave her. She sent it back. No note, nothing just the ring in a box. It still hit me. Yay! I'm glad you got the ring back. She's not evil after all. 1
Author Guyouthere Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Yay! I'm glad you got the ring back. She's not evil after all. I never thought she was evil. I do feel that her high level ego wouldn't let her keep it. Whether that means she is genuine, I don't know. I guess you have to know how highly she passed her self off to really understand what that means. In her mind, she can " do no wrong". I found it evident when I looked back and saw how she really showed no caring about my side of things.
Rejected Rosebud Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 OP I tried to catch up on your relationship with this girl from reading your past threads, it seems like you got really involved online and then went to see her once?? Maybe the whole thing is more about how you handled yourself than about her ego or being a narcissist or whatever??? I mean maybe she was but I hope (If I am right about your relationship) that you learned not to get overly wrapped up too soon!!! Anyway you said you cared about her so why not give her the benefit of the doubt, I think she showed good character by sending the ring back. 1
Author Guyouthere Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 OP I tried to catch up on your relationship with this girl from reading your past threads, it seems like you got really involved online and then went to see her once?? Maybe the whole thing is more about how you handled yourself than about her ego or being a narcissist or whatever??? I mean maybe she was but I hope (If I am right about your relationship) that you learned not to get overly wrapped up too soon!!! Anyway you said you cared about her so why not give her the benefit of the doubt, I think she showed good character by sending the ring back. I admittedly did, yes. It was the intensity of it all.
GemmaUK Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 You only met her once? Crikey! Intensity is one thing, proposing after only meeting once is quite another. OP, you really need to chill out but also from your later posts I think take a break from dating. Get grounded. Meeting someone just once and having virtual contact is just a fantasy. It is not real. 2
katiegrl Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) You only met her once? Crikey! Intensity is one thing, proposing after only meeting once is quite another. OP, you really need to chill out but also from your later posts I think take a break from dating. Get grounded. Meeting someone just once and having virtual contact is just a fantasy. It is not real. Oh boy.. crikey is right! OP, based on your 20 previous threads about this chick, I presumed you were in a real life RL with her for six months (which is way too soon to get engaged anyway).... but now come to discover this was a virtual internet RL and you only met in person once? Yes I agree with Gemma, chill, take a break from dating and get grounded and perhaps even seek some therapy..... if possible. Edited October 21, 2015 by katiegrl 1
lino Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 IMO, finished business has substantial value and you, OP, got a bonus here. Process it out and move on. Yeah, the coldness of a ring in a box can hurt, sure, but that's part of moving on too. IMO, the way it was done was perfect. No words to dissect nor ambiguities to process. Zippo. Excellent. Excellently said! This is actually a good outcome OP
Author Guyouthere Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 (edited) You only met her once? Crikey! Intensity is one thing, proposing after only meeting once is quite another. OP, you really need to chill out but also from your later posts I think take a break from dating. Get grounded. Meeting someone just once and having virtual contact is just a fantasy. It is not real. Literally thousands of hours in video calls, phone chats, and texts (10-15 hours a day for over 6 months). I thought I would know someone with that amount of interaction. I don't believe she used me, she just has serious issues that I saw clues of, but didn't know what they were exactly, until I did the research and had some good advice from a couple of people. It makes you wonder, how and if you know anyone these days. My marriage lasted 15+ years, and it turns out I never knew her either (and I lived with her). Just saying. It is possible to never know anyone and who they really are. So i took the chance based on it all. Edited October 22, 2015 by Guyouthere
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