Noideanow Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Could you please explain? I'm not sure I understand. I came from a very bad spot and recently have had some really great opportunities come my way that I have been working hard for, for a long time. It would be silly for me to turn those down, so yes I work hard. I wouldn't necessarily call that neglectful since I work with the future in mind. I hardly even see my friends anymore, and things need to be planned out, since it is difficult to distribute energy in so many areas. I would gladly focus more energy if I could (and I do try my best). It seems every day is a rainy day for him. He also knows that I battle with anxiety disorders and depression, and it sucks a lot of energy out of me. I never claimed to be more mature than him. I claimed to not actually have everything together, and I am trying to figure it out. But I also don't think the world is out to get me, or think my parents are my worst enemies. It just stood out to me that the first two qualities you mentioned about him was: ambition and great Career, that says alot about you i think and it seems like you are looking for happiness and fulfillment in your life in your career? (Which is very normal today;))
GemmaUK Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 If I were you I would get away from him as soon as possible. He is controlling for one thing, is already isolating you and sounds like he is becoming emotionally abusive too (nit picking and everything you do is wrong). Please have a read here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/abuse/524069-book-suggestions
Zippy2000 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Moved in together within 6 months. Whoa! Slow down. Wheres the romance? The build up to a relationship? The honey moon phase is now over and youre now seeing the real him. Isnt this is what dating is all about. Finding out about each other and exploring if you are compatible BEFORE you move in and before you have sex. Youll tend to find men dotn have close friends to confide in. Us men tend to hold in problems and dont communicate very well. Its well documented men therefore shrae alot of their fustrations with their partners. This is what he`s doing now. You need to communicate your differencews. If it doesn work out and there is no further changes in your relationship. You`re both not compatible. If so have you tried to reconsider if he is really someone you want to spend most of your life with?
Author LillianR Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 It just stood out to me that the first two qualities you mentioned about him was: ambition and great Career, that says alot about you i think and it seems like you are looking for happiness and fulfillment in your life in your career? (Which is very normal today;)) Ambition is important to me, regardless of work. I could care less about career so long as you have dreams. I didn't really list in order of importance or relevance per say. It is hard when you have dreams and your partner has none with no desire to chase anything in life.
Miss Peach Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) How did you get out of that situation? In my case I left him many years later. I excused his behavior until it started impacting my health then I couldn't ignore it. To get out of the isolation I made a female friend at work I could confide in, went to therapy during my lunch breaks, and joined an online support group for support. My job was my only time I could leave the house. Once I had a support system in place and let people know what was going on I made plans to move out and gave him the divorce papers.I highly recommend NOT doing any type of couples therapy as that isn't recommended in abusive situations. I look back now and I see all the red flags I missed. A lot of the things you are complaining about are the things I ignored. Also another mistake I made is thinking I could do something to make him feel secure but I couldn't. That needs to come from him. What I did was NEVER enough for him. He always wanted more than I could give. These types of guys tend to ignore boundaries so you will need to be prepared to go full NC to move on. Just letting you know because you'll mentally need to be prepared to pull the bandage so to speak. I know it's hard because you don't want to hurt him but these guys are not the type you want to let in/out or "be friends" with as they will often push back in and you'll be right back where you started. I am in a single parents group and a lot of single moms left abusive, controlling, and narcissistic men. It gets harder the deeper you go... marriage, kids, joint assets, ect. Another thing is these guys often have an ego so if you threaten him in anyway it will come back to hurt you. In my case my career did better so I had to deal with more attempts to isolate me, keep me from working late, controlling who I worked with, etc. It cost me one job, hurt me in another, and it cost me a promotion in another. Initially when he was doing better in his career it was the amount of time I spent with my friends, how immature they were, how he missed me too much, how I wasn't home enough, etc. If you want reading about abuse and control I highly recommend "Why Does He Do that" by Lundy Bancroft. I always knew about physical abuse but I never really understood emotional and verbal abuse until later in life. For boundaries and what healthy relationships looks like I highly recommend Natalie Lue's books and blog. Also I really like Nina Atwood's book called Temptations of the Single Woman. The story is a little corny but she uses a fictional character to show what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. Edited October 21, 2015 by Miss Peach 1
Miss Peach Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 One more good book is The Verbally Abusive Relationship. You'll pick up a lot of common things people say to control others.
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Could you please explain? I'm not sure I understand. I came from a very bad spot and recently have had some really great opportunities come my way that I have been working hard for, for a long time. It would be silly for me to turn those down, so yes I work hard. I wouldn't necessarily call that neglectful since I work with the future in mind. I hardly even see my friends anymore, and things need to be planned out, since it is difficult to distribute energy in so many areas. I would gladly focus more energy if I could (and I do try my best). It seems every day is a rainy day for him. He also knows that I battle with anxiety disorders and depression, and it sucks a lot of energy out of me. I never claimed to be more mature than him. I claimed to not actually have everything together, and I am trying to figure it out. But I also don't think the world is out to get me, or think my parents are my worst enemies. Lillian ...Noideanow offers a perspective ...from their own frame of reference ...you're questioning of the perspective might be due to the fact it is not supported by your reality ... You're wise beyond your years ... But do not understand your BFs behavior because it is aberrant ... And it is aberrant ...go with your gut ...seems most on this thread see your situation for what it is. Please do not be swayed by perspectives that are not supported by your reality. 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 it seems you are more in love with your career than him:bunny: let him find a women with values like himself: Like hating his whole family, being negative about everything, well I guess you're right! He needs somebody more like that!! Or at least the OP needs somebody DIFFERENT than that. OP I don't think this is really about your age difference it is at best you learning that you are not compatible and that you should in the future wait until you have a longer solid relationship before moving in! At worst he is a controlling mean guy, which still means that you ought to learn more about a guy and how you are together when you move in, but you will be fine - you will just have to be really brave and make a plan and then execute it, this kind of situation can really drag down your life and derail it, I have seen it with someone really dear to me, move on. I'm sorry. 2
Guyouthere Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I think one of the biggest mistakes people make is that they move in with each other too fast, because its harder to "get out" of each others hair should something turn for the worse. I basically live alone, and sure, it would be nice to have a lady here in this house, but I am not going to rush it for the sake of not being lonely or the allure of having someone help share expenses. Ge to know they before you go that far.
StBreton Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Like hating his whole family, being negative about everything, well I guess you're right! He needs somebody more like that!! Or at least the OP needs somebody DIFFERENT than that. OP I don't think this is really about your age difference it is at best you learning that you are not compatible and that you should in the future wait until you have a longer solid relationship before moving in! At worst he is a controlling mean guy, which still means that you ought to learn more about a guy and how you are together when you move in, but you will be fine - you will just have to be really brave and make a plan and then execute it, this kind of situation can really drag down your life and derail it, I have seen it with someone really dear to me, move on. I'm sorry. Yes exactly ^^^ OP started to engage with the line of thinking offered by the person you responded to and I grew concerned she might loosen her resolve of thinking her bf has issues ...you're spot in your observations. OP ...stay the course of questioning ...normal guys don't act like your bf ...most people your age are growing their careers ... Your BFs life is not compatible with yours
Author LillianR Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) Yes exactly ^^^ OP started to engage with the line of thinking offered by the person you responded to and I grew concerned she might loosen her resolve of thinking her bf has issues ...you're spot in your observations. OP ...stay the course of questioning ...normal guys don't act like your bf ...most people your age are growing their careers ... Your BFs life is not compatible with yours How would you break this off if you are still living with him? Edited October 23, 2015 by LillianR
GemmaUK Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Tell your family and friends what has been happening, pack a bag and just leave. Sleep on a sofa. There is no point in telling him why you are going as he will manipulate you into staying. Don't tell him where you are going and if for any reason you need to return to collect anything don't go alone. Be prepared that he will contact you - will likely bow up your phone. Any correspondence with him will make him think he can get you back. There is no excuse for how he is behaving and there's many signs of controlling and abusive behaviour already.
Guyouthere Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Tell your family and friends what has been happening, pack a bag and just leave. Sleep on a sofa. There is no point in telling him why you are going as he will manipulate you into staying. Don't tell him where you are going and if for any reason you need to return to collect anything don't go alone. Be prepared that he will contact you - will likely bow up your phone. Any correspondence with him will make him think he can get you back. There is no excuse for how he is behaving and there's many signs of controlling and abusive behaviour already. A hammock is more comfortable than a sofa.
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