LillianR Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 So a little background...I am 21, and he is 33. The beginning of this relationship was seriously awesome. This man was what women would consider to be perfect: ambition, good career, funny, caring, sweet, loving, fit, helpful, you name it. A real gentleman. On top of that...we have nearly all the same interests and views. Now, 6 months into the relationship things have taken a turn for the worse. We moved in together to make our lives easier (kind of a rash move, I know). I realize now that he doesn't care at all about his family. He hates his parents (for honestly no truly valid reason), he dislikes his siblings, and family gatherings are quite awkward. I come from a very loving family where we are all very close, so this is very concerning to me. He is negative about quite literally everything. From excessive road rage to complaining about petty things on a day to day basis. He no longer has any ambition for progressing in his work life, and he has begun to alienate all of his friends too. I have come to realize that he is quite immature in many ways, he holds grudges, and is very overbearing. He is needy and has made me the center of his world. He rarely sees guy friends. So he doesn't want me to see my friends either. He is clingy and I don't even know how to react to that. But the thing that is hardest about all of this is that he expects me to change for him, or keep up with the pace of his age. He is ready to settle down, and isn't particularly happy that I work long hours chasing my dreams and put in a lot of work to keep moving up. He basically wants me to dedicate all of my free time to him. But outside of even that...he actually expects me to have my **** together. I'm mature for my age, but not stupid enough to believe I know what I am doing with my life. I am still learning how to balance work and a personal life! Much less a relationship. I am still learning how to keep a schedule, and find a way to eat and sleep within the same day. Somehow he is expecting me to be more well-versed, and gets quite upset with me when I mess up (even if it is something very minor). He is getting nitpicky and starting fights with me quite often now. At first the fights would hurt me, but now I just feel cold to them. He kept me up for 3 nights in a row at one point, and I was so exhausted at work my boss told me I either need to leave or shape up. I am very confused and feeling at loss. Sorry for the wall of text...thank you in advance for any and all help!!
stillafool Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 He's older so he is trying to control you. It will only get worse. Move out and back home with your people until you can get a roommate. You have alot of living to do and fun to have before moving in with some guy and all the responsibiities of that. Good luck. 4
PegNosePete Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 It doesn't sound as though you are very happy in this relationship. I wonder why you stay with him? You say he expects you to change. But are you expecting him to change (or to change back to how he was at the start)? It certainly sounds like it. He won't!
kassy Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Save yourself a lot of trouble and just move out and break up with him. Regardless of the age difference this is not a good relationship
Author LillianR Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 It doesn't sound as though you are very happy in this relationship. I wonder why you stay with him? You say he expects you to change. But are you expecting him to change (or to change back to how he was at the start)? It certainly sounds like it. He won't! You're right. I wish I could say I am (though I was, at a point). I feel part of me is thinking I am giving up and the other part is saying that it's not giving up if it isn't right. I don't necessarily expect him to change. I have learned that people hardly ever do. What I was expecting was a little more compatibility or at least an understanding of my lifestyle so I am not expected to give it up in favor of his. I just feel stuck (again).
Timshel Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 He's older so he is trying to control you. It will only get worse. Move out and back home with your people until you can get a roommate. You have alot of living to do and fun to have before moving in with some guy and all the responsibiities of that. Good luck. This ^^ do this. Don't second guess yourself, it's not working and that is ok. Don't try to smash a square into a circle. It won't work and you'll do damage. You aren't giving up, you are being realistic. Trust yourself, from where I'm sitting you are making perfect sense.
GorillaTheater Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I just feel stuck (again). But you know that you're not really stuck, right? To the extent you feel you are, it's all in your head, literally. You likely know that you'd be better off cutting the cord, but your thought process is keeping you from making what seems like a pretty rational choice. Does it come down to you not wanting to be a "quitter"? If so, you know there are some situations you just need to walk away from. You'd only be a "quitter" in your own mind, while in the meantime your friends and family would likely be cheering.
clia Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 You simply aren't compatible with him, so it's time to move on. It's not uncommon to find this out as time goes by in a relationship. If doesn't mean you've given up, either. You need to look out for yourself. This is a huge lesson for you in why it's not a good idea to move in with a man so quickly. Think how much easier it would be to end this if you didn't live together. 2
empresario Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 It is more proof that age does not dictate maturity and wisdom. When dating a man-child, you have to expect them to act like a man-child. Threads like this pop up a lot, and if they haven't changed by 33 then it's very, very unlikely he will. At the end of the day, you were living in a honeymoon phase. Within that phase, everything seems perfect. Hormones are high and you are trying to impress the other person. You are now seeing the person behind the mask. 5
angel.eyes Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I feel part of me is thinking I am giving up and the other part is saying that it's not giving up if it isn't right. You're not giving up! The point of dating is to figure out whether someone is compatible and a good match for you. This guy isn't. Dating and living with him over the past year gave you your answer. Dating mission accomplished. The next step is to part ways. To quote a Kenny Rogers song: You've got to know when to hold 'em Know when to fold 'em Know when to walk away And know when to run... 1
StBreton Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 OP first I want to say how impressive your thought process is and how intuitive you are for such a young woman. Now ...you've got your whole life in front of you ...are you going to allow this guy to taint it for you ...you're living HIS idea of what life is like ...and you're now seeing it isn't compatible with yours (because the mask is gone as someone mentioned ...lesson here). I know it's difficult to think of breaking it off ...and your heart will hurt ...but it does sound best in this situation ...only you can decide how you want your life to look like in 5-10 yrs. As you said ...you're just figuring it all out but this guy already has it figured out ...and you're not "feelin' it" Take your idea of life back...even if you're not sure what that exactly is at this point ...you be the conductor! You're very smart and in touch for realizing this now. Food for thought ...What do you think life will be like if you have kids with this person? Yikes! 1
Guyouthere Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Ok, lets go…. My first advice, same advice I wish I had 6 months ago.. before I dealt with a lot of what you said here. Google Narcissist. Your man fits this well. I experienced the same thing, although I never got as far as moving in with her (in my case it would have been me leaving the uSA or her coming here, (which she very nearly did). They all exhibit the same symptoms. It is a personality disorder. There is no cure, only a solution, which is to get out of being a supply for them. They do not love as normal people do. What you fell for was exactly what I fell for, the IMAGE they put out at the start,,, and it eventually fades because it takes too much effort and energy to hold that image up. It is a "false self". The REAL person is broken inside, very much so, and from what I have learned, it isn't their fault, it is something that happened to them as a child (as my last girl had that in common as well). BUT, you have to think of YOU. These people will eventually do one of two things,,,, They either destroy your own sanity because you want to please them all of the time, and do so at your own self worth expense, OR they simply leave you for their next source. That next source is already out there, you just don't know it yet (but you will). You are in the "devaluing" phase right now with him, where he is devaluing you, expecting you to become what HE wants. The next will be the "discard phase" where he will dump you IF he feels that you no longer can supply him with his "fix". You can, and should do research on this topic, because as much as I am sitting here typing this, it is VERY real and there are people out there who use others like this. Ask me how I know, I just went through 6 months of it. And I knew little, if anything about narcissism before that.
fitnessfan365 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Wow.. surprised that you're only 21. You've got very good insight for a woman your age. But considering the vast age difference, it shouldn't have come as a complete shock that you'd be at different places in life. However, his personality flaws like rage, control issues, being clingy/needy, etc aren't exclusive to any age group. So regardless of the age difference, he doesn't sound like relationship material IMO. To be honest, he sounds like a guy you should have had a hot/heavy fling and some fun with. Trying to get serious w/a guy that's settled when you're still finding yourself never really turns out well.
Guyouthere Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 OP first I want to say how impressive your thought process is and how intuitive you are for such a young woman. Now ...you've got your whole life in front of you ...are you going to allow this guy to taint it for you ...you're living HIS idea of what life is like ...and you're now seeing it isn't compatible with yours (because the mask is gone as someone mentioned ...lesson here). I know it's difficult to think of breaking it off ...and your heart will hurt ...but it does sound best in this situation ...only you can decide how you want your life to look like in 5-10 yrs. As you said ...you're just figuring it all out but this guy already has it figured out ...and you're not "feelin' it" Take your idea of life back...even if you're not sure what that exactly is at this point ...you be the conductor! You're very smart and in touch for realizing this now. Food for thought ...What do you think life will be like if you have kids with this person? Yikes! Concerning kids…. Narcissists often replace the spouse/partner with the kids, which means they get their "fix" (self worth) from them instead, which means they devalue their partner/spouse even more. I saw this too with my last girl…. she said (and likely did) well raising her two younger sisters,, the ONLY people she admitted getting along with. Why? Because kids are easier to control too. It is very interesting topic to research too…. I learned a lot, and still am about this subject. I suggest everyone become familiar with this issue, because it is becoming a serious epidemic now,,, and if you haven't dated one of these yet, you very likely will one day (or at least encounter them in life).
Guyouthere Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 This ^^ do this. Don't second guess yourself, it's not working and that is ok. Don't try to smash a square into a circle. It won't work and you'll do damage. You aren't giving up, you are being realistic. Trust yourself, from where I'm sitting you are making perfect sense. I do think it is very wrong to say that just because the guy is older, he seeks to control her. While many guys (even close to her age) do the same, to ASSUME the guy wants to control because she is younger is completely wrong. And I say that from experience. My last girl was not a puppet to me. I know how to love and I "gave" her freedom, and never told her that she had to do "this or that". I am not like that at all. I went as far as talking about how we could make it actually happen for her to study for her PHD, because I knew she had that goal. I encouraged her when I could, in all ways. I never want to hold anyone back, and made that quite clear to her as well. Som don't assume all "older guys with younger women" are controlling, because it is simply not the case.
Timshel Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 You simply aren't compatible with him, so it's time to move on. It's not uncommon to find this out as time goes by in a relationship. If doesn't mean you've given up, either. You need to look out for yourself. This is a huge lesson for you in why it's not a good idea to move in with a man so quickly. Think how much easier it would be to end this if you didn't live together. Excellent point!
Timshel Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 don't assume all "older guys with younger women" are controlling, because it is simply not the case. I don't. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Congratulations OP, for your maturity - you're miles ahead of the majority of your peers. I want to start off by saying you never really meet the REAL person when you start dating - you meet their 'dating ambassador.' He managed to put on a charming mask for you for 6 months, leading you to believe he was Prince Charming. But what you're NOW seeing are the beginning signs of ABUSE. Yes, I'm sure you think I'm crazy and I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. He's doing EXACTLY what abusers do as they slowly 'groom' you and mold you. Firstly, he's trying to slowly ISOLATE you, which is the first tool of every abuser. They slowly isolate you from your friends, family, co-workers - everyone. After awhile, without even having realized it, you discover that you've basically become completely estranged from your entire support system. And the REASON they do this is because they don't want you to have outside influences knowing what they're doing and possibly telling you to get out - but MORE so, they do it so you'll naturally turn to them and make them your whole world. That's not an ACCIDENT. And that's exactly what he's started to do - trying to isolate you and whining that he 'needs' your attention 24/7. This is very deliberate and manipulative behavior designed specifically for the purpose of isolating you from everyone else. As he's isolating you, the 'rules' begin to be laid out. Now he's suddenly finding fault with everything you do and wanting you to behave in a certain way and do things in a certain way. Again, slow and methodical mind control designed to slowly mold you into exactly what he wants. Maybe it starts with not liking you to wear low-cut tops. Then it becomes a rule that high heels over 2" high are forbidden. Then he's telling you to wear your hair a certain way. He might ban you from wearing makeup. Pretty soon, you need to ask him if it's ok if you run to the store. He might make you adhere to a strict schedule and god forbid if you're 10 minutes late... The list just goes on and on and on. Pretty soon, you are literally a frightened prisoner in your own home and he's the focal point of your existence. You've estranged yourself from you family and friends and feel you have nowhere to turn - but to him. And more likely than not, sooner or later, the physical punishment begins when you dare to break one of his rules. I can't stress this ENOUGH, OP. This isn't just 'narcissism' at work. This is the predictable behavior of an abuser. You need to leave this man. As soon as possible. 2
Noideanow Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 it seems you are more in love with your career than him:bunny: let him find a women with values like himself:love: but take what i say with a grain of salt and use your own intuition, only you know what your life looks like:confused:
Noideanow Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 i see this from a different perspective than some here: - she is very self-focused with no concern for what this focus does to him - she neglects him by focusing on all those other things instead of him and their relationship - she looks down on his emotions and need for security in the relationship and gladly spends her time and energy on other things/people who is really the mature one of you two?(i say this because it was mentioned) I wonder and say this with as little as i know about your situation, but cant help but see the irony:o maybe you could be his friend instead? or you could take a break?
Author LillianR Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) i see this from a different perspective than some here: - she is very self-focused with no concern for what this focus does to him - she neglects him by focusing on all those other things instead of him and their relationship - she looks down on his emotions and need for security in the relationship and gladly spends her time and energy on other things/people who is really the mature one of you two?(i say this because it was mentioned) I wonder and say this with as little as i know about your situation, but cant help but see the irony:o maybe you could be his friend instead? or you could take a break? Could you please explain? I'm not sure I understand. I came from a very bad spot and recently have had some really great opportunities come my way that I have been working hard for, for a long time. It would be silly for me to turn those down, so yes I work hard. I wouldn't necessarily call that neglectful since I work with the future in mind. I hardly even see my friends anymore, and things need to be planned out, since it is difficult to distribute energy in so many areas. I would gladly focus more energy if I could (and I do try my best). It seems every day is a rainy day for him. He also knows that I battle with anxiety disorders and depression, and it sucks a lot of energy out of me. I never claimed to be more mature than him. I claimed to not actually have everything together, and I am trying to figure it out. But I also don't think the world is out to get me, or think my parents are my worst enemies. Edited October 20, 2015 by LillianR 1
Author LillianR Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 But you know that you're not really stuck, right? To the extent you feel you are, it's all in your head, literally. You likely know that you'd be better off cutting the cord, but your thought process is keeping you from making what seems like a pretty rational choice. Does it come down to you not wanting to be a "quitter"? If so, you know there are some situations you just need to walk away from. You'd only be a "quitter" in your own mind, while in the meantime your friends and family would likely be cheering. This is true. But I think a lot of it has to do with feelings of guilt as well. Like I am the one who is not doing anything right, or enough, etc. It is very draining. But maybe I just shouldn't be in a relationship for awhile then until I can settle those feelings and stop letting them control me.
Author LillianR Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Thanks to everyone for the replies...food for thought definitely. I don't want to hurt him ...but I just don't think our lives are matching up. This sort of thing is always so hard.
Miss Peach Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Congratulations OP, for your maturity - you're miles ahead of the majority of your peers. I want to start off by saying you never really meet the REAL person when you start dating - you meet their 'dating ambassador.' He managed to put on a charming mask for you for 6 months, leading you to believe he was Prince Charming. But what you're NOW seeing are the beginning signs of ABUSE. Yes, I'm sure you think I'm crazy and I'm exaggerating, but I'm not. He's doing EXACTLY what abusers do as they slowly 'groom' you and mold you. Firstly, he's trying to slowly ISOLATE you, which is the first tool of every abuser. They slowly isolate you from your friends, family, co-workers - everyone. After awhile, without even having realized it, you discover that you've basically become completely estranged from your entire support system. And the REASON they do this is because they don't want you to have outside influences knowing what they're doing and possibly telling you to get out - but MORE so, they do it so you'll naturally turn to them and make them your whole world. That's not an ACCIDENT. And that's exactly what he's started to do - trying to isolate you and whining that he 'needs' your attention 24/7. This is very deliberate and manipulative behavior designed specifically for the purpose of isolating you from everyone else. As he's isolating you, the 'rules' begin to be laid out. Now he's suddenly finding fault with everything you do and wanting you to behave in a certain way and do things in a certain way. Again, slow and methodical mind control designed to slowly mold you into exactly what he wants. Maybe it starts with not liking you to wear low-cut tops. Then it becomes a rule that high heels over 2" high are forbidden. Then he's telling you to wear your hair a certain way. He might ban you from wearing makeup. Pretty soon, you need to ask him if it's ok if you run to the store. He might make you adhere to a strict schedule and god forbid if you're 10 minutes late... The list just goes on and on and on. Pretty soon, you are literally a frightened prisoner in your own home and he's the focal point of your existence. You've estranged yourself from you family and friends and feel you have nowhere to turn - but to him. And more likely than not, sooner or later, the physical punishment begins when you dare to break one of his rules. I can't stress this ENOUGH, OP. This isn't just 'narcissism' at work. This is the predictable behavior of an abuser. You need to leave this man. As soon as possible. I totally agree with this post. I would move out at the very least but I do recommend ending this relationship. OP what you posted sounds entirely like my ex husband - the age difference, being mature for your age, seeing the bits of anger, the controlling, moving in at 6 months, etc. I wish I had seen it when I was your age. In my case it did turn into emotional abuse and I was isolated and he started turning on everything - my career, family, friends, etc. I didn't get away until I started having nightmares and panic attacks.
Author LillianR Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 I totally agree with this post. I would move out at the very least but I do recommend ending this relationship. OP what you posted sounds entirely like my ex husband - the age difference, being mature for your age, seeing the bits of anger, the controlling, moving in at 6 months, etc. I wish I had seen it when I was your age. In my case it did turn into emotional abuse and I was isolated and he started turning on everything - my career, family, friends, etc. I didn't get away until I started having nightmares and panic attacks. How did you get out of that situation?
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