OK_computer Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) I really like this girl, we've worked together for 8 months closely..known her for 2 years. She knows I like her, and we've been going out on lunch dates alone the last two months atleast 2 times a week. She says i'm one of the closest people to her and shows it. Last monday we got in a fight, serious one..about going to the movies. She's very social in work group, but I'm an introvert who likes spending one on one time mostly. Last week we planned to go to the movies, and she said we can go alone, but later changed her mind and said lets just bring along the others..but was fine with going alone. She brought it up again, and then we got in a bit of a fight later in the day about things unrelated. On Tuesday, she said she wanted space.. I freaked out (but didn't contact her), and she started contacting me again 2 days later, and we patched up and things have been a lot better since. We planned on going out to the movies again. Today (a week later from the monday fight), I was showing her the movie timings and she said we should go in a group, and she's not comfortable going alone, and wants a girl to come along with her. She was saying that she's just not comfortable going alone, I didn't agree at first, because the girls she wants to bring along from work are total b*****. She also said those girls won't involve themselves with us and what's the difference in a movie? However, later in the day I told her, I value spending time with her and if that means going in a group, I'm fine with that. She said she's sorry for being stubborn and thanked me for understanding.. She's a very orthodox muslim girl whose never been out alone with a guy. Is this normal or should I bail? I asked her if this had to do with last monday's fight, and she said she doesn't need space, and that if it was something more than just her discomfort of going alone she would have told me. I asked her if this is because she doesn't trust me, or doesn't like me, and she said it's nothing like that. What I don't get is we've spent time alone outside of work, many times, but now she wants a group..or is it just me? What do i do? Edited October 20, 2015 by OK_computer
d0nnivain Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Young girls may not want to be alone with a guy. The cliché of a movie date is that there will be making out. She may be trying to prevent that without having to reject you. If she's over 20, she's friendzoning you.
BLND Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 No she didn't friendzone you. If she's orhthodox muslim, that's exactly how it goes. she can't go alone to the movies with a guy. but don't worry i'm sure her friends won't bother you. just respect her wishes and go with the flow until she sees that you're serious and your relationship evolves. 2
sandylee1 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Based on her religion, are you going to be compatible with her? The difference in religion will present a problem with her family and you are likely to fall in love and end up heartbroken. Think really carefully about it. 1
PegNosePete Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 She's a very orthodox muslim girl whose never been out alone with a guy. we've spent time alone outside of work, many times Can you clarify this apparent contradiction? 3
Author OK_computer Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 No she didn't friendzone you. If she's orhthodox muslim, that's exactly how it goes. she can't go alone to the movies with a guy. but don't worry i'm sure her friends won't bother you. just respect her wishes and go with the flow until she sees that you're serious and your relationship evolves. She told me to respect her feelings on this matter. I agreed to.
d0nnivain Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I missed the Orthodox Muslim part. There is your answer. She requires a chaperone. 1
Author OK_computer Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Can you clarify this apparent contradiction? Yeah I thought the same thing, but again I think the 'movies' is the cliche making out/hooking up thing compared to the other times we spent alone..
Author OK_computer Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 I missed the Orthodox Muslim part. There is your answer. She requires a chaperone. The only thing that gets me is that she was OKAY with going along last monday, but now she wants to bring someone along... And I asked her if things have changed/ space/ trust etc, and she's constantly denying that. Im trying to trust her.
BLND Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 The only thing that gets me is that she was OKAY with going along last monday, but now she wants to bring someone along... And I asked her if things have changed/ space/ trust etc, and she's constantly denying that. Im trying to trust her. there's nothing wrong with that. she thought she can go just the 2 of you, but after thinking about it, maybe she was afraid she'll get in trouble with her family or maybe she's never been alone with a guy at the movies. Like i mentioned before, if you really like this girl just go with the flow and don't overthink everything she tells you. Chaperones are needed if she's orthodox, in situations like the movies or a house visit setting. Whereas for a lunch date in the open or a walk in the park, it's ok to go just the two of you. If you're really into this girl, i suggest to research a bit about her religion and how things are done. Coming to a forum where most people have no clue about it will only get you one answer...Friendzone. 3
Author OK_computer Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 there's nothing wrong with that. she thought she can go just the 2 of you, but after thinking about it, maybe she was afraid she'll get in trouble with her family or maybe she's never been alone with a guy at the movies. Like i mentioned before, if you really like this girl just go with the flow and don't overthink everything she tells you. Chaperones are needed if she's orthodox, in situations like the movies or a house visit setting. Whereas for a lunch date in the open or a walk in the park, it's ok to go just the two of you. If you're really into this girl, i suggest to research a bit about her religion and how things are done. Coming to a forum where most people have no clue about it will only get you one answer...Friendzone. I really like your response, thanks for this understanding perspective. I told her that i'm not big into group outings, but I'm willing to do that to spend some time with you. She said she'll read up on Mars before we go... (and she had last week also when we were supposed to go) She paused a long time thinking...I know she she's thinking about her family, religion, life...and maybe it's less pressure for her to just bring someone along. Just need some opinions about the fight vs the change in conditions. 1
Lois_Griffin Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I think it's one thing to go out to lunch during the workday. That's not a 'date' even though I think YOU think it is. It's not. You keep obsessing about going to a movie and pushing her to go and she's CLEARLY told you she's not comfortable doing that. Why are you unable to see the HUGE difference between having lunch 'alone' with her as coworkers during your workday and going out together at NIGHT alone to the movies - like people do when they're dating? Respect her boundaries.
Author OK_computer Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 I think it's one thing to go out to lunch during the workday. That's not a 'date' even though I think YOU think it is. It's not. You keep obsessing about going to a movie and pushing her to go and she's CLEARLY told you she's not comfortable doing that. Why are you unable to see the HUGE difference between having lunch 'alone' with her as coworkers during your workday and going out together at NIGHT alone to the movies - like people do when they're dating? Respect her boundaries. Daytime movie. I've always respected her boundaries. She said she wanted space--stopped contacting her til she contacted me. She said she wants to go the movies alone (1st time), and then changed her mind, which I wasn't cool with--fine. 2nd time she said as a group--I agreed ultimately. When have I not respected her boundaries? please elaborate Jersey.
JasmineJones Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Young girls may not want to be alone with a guy. The cliché of a movie date is that there will be making out. She may be trying to prevent that without having to reject you. If she's over 20, she's friendzoning you. you're not taking into account her religion.
phineas Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Yeah I thought the same thing, but again I think the 'movies' is the cliche making out/hooking up thing compared to the other times we spent alone.. I'm 43, the only time I made out during a movie was the drive in or on the couch. Never in a movie theater. Do people actually still do that? That was stuff they did on happy days.
PegNosePete Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 That was stuff they did on happy days. If she has limited experience then that may be precisely where she gets the stereotype from. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Funny, I've always kept my work people and social circles seperate. I've never really been social with my co-workers, except if it's AT the actual company (company picnic, bbq's, etc). When the clock hit 5 pm, that was that. No contact with anyone outside of work. LOL. Probably because everyone is married and have families to spend time with. Personally, I'd refuse the conditions based on the fact on how long you've known each other. If you've known each other for THAT long and is refusing to go one-on-one with you, she's likely friend zoning you. 1
Els Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 In the majority of strict Muslim countries, cinemas don't even exist (or if they do, Muslim citizens are forbidden to enter). Apparently the dark surroundings are conducive to, errr, naughty deeds (an unwed couple cuddling is very naughty!). So yeah, it's very different to having lunch with a co-worker in a brightly-lit public place. And yes, very understandable for her to not want to go alone with you if she's a conservative Muslim. But you didn't answer a very pertinent question that sandylee asked: Think very carefully about what you're getting into. Read up on Muslim laws. It's easier to get out now than later down the road if you decide all that isn't for you. 1
road Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I think it's one thing to go out to lunch during the workday. That's not a 'date' even though I think YOU think it is. It's not. You keep obsessing about going to a movie and pushing her to go and she's CLEARLY told you she's not comfortable doing that. Why are you unable to see the HUGE difference between having lunch 'alone' with her as coworkers during your workday and going out together at NIGHT alone to the movies - like people do when they're dating? Respect her boundaries. Because he is not muslim. 1
Erik30 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 If she's an orthodox muslim, it's probably better to forget about dating her if you're not a muslim yourself. It's likely that she'll only want to date men who share her religious background. I have seen some islamic men dating non muslim women, and a lot of times when they become serious, the woman ends up becoming a muslim herself. These guys are also usually orthodox. So if you do actually start dating her, there's probably her religious family you also have to deal with. I think it only works if she's a bit liberal, so not to strict with her religion, or if you're willing to convert. It's might be best to just be friends with her, and find someone else. 1
OrangeParty Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 (an unwed couple cuddling is very naughty!). Where I'm from, an unwed couple cuddling will get you arrested by the religious council agency thing. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 She's a co-worker that you're in the friend zone with. 1) Having lunch is not a "date". It's purposely set up to spend less time with you. Why? She doesn't want romance w/you and she knows that you do. So to be nice, she grabs lunch knowing you have to be back to work. Unlike actual dates that take place at night which can be extended or end in someone's place. 2) She doesn't want to actually be alone with you. Unlike grabbing a lunch, a movie theater is in the dark, could lead to touching, kissing, etc.. So that's why she's uncomfortable and wants her friends there to be a buffer. 1
Miss Peach Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I agree with the posters who think you are just being friendly at work. I go out to lunch with male coworkers all the time and I don't think of it as a date. A movie I would get nervous too if I didn't want to date at work or if I were in an upbringing similar to this woman. I have had conservative Muslim friends before and often there isn't supposed to be touching between men and women. The men I knew had never kissed a woman. If you do date, I would have some discussions around that because she might not want to touch or kiss. She may feel more comfortable in group and public settings. Also if you do date I would bring up religion. The sects of Islam I'm familiar with are considered passed to the kids from the male side. So men can date/marry non-Muslims but women cannot. 1
Author OK_computer Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 If she's an orthodox muslim, it's probably better to forget about dating her if you're not a muslim yourself. It's likely that she'll only want to date men who share her religious background. I have seen some islamic men dating non muslim women, and a lot of times when they become serious, the woman ends up becoming a muslim herself. These guys are also usually orthodox. So if you do actually start dating her, there's probably her religious family you also have to deal with. I think it only works if she's a bit liberal, so not to strict with her religion, or if you're willing to convert. It's might be best to just be friends with her, and find someone else. I think this is the best thing to do.. in the reality of things. It's just the long time we worked together alone and the attachment I'm facing right now that's really painful. I don't know best way to start no contact, nor how to suddenly act distant..
Author OK_computer Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 She's a co-worker that you're in the friend zone with. 1) Having lunch is not a "date". It's purposely set up to spend less time with you. Why? She doesn't want romance w/you and she knows that you do. So to be nice, she grabs lunch knowing you have to be back to work. Unlike actual dates that take place at night which can be extended or end in someone's place. 2) She doesn't want to actually be alone with you. Unlike grabbing a lunch, a movie theater is in the dark, could lead to touching, kissing, etc.. So that's why she's uncomfortable and wants her friends there to be a buffer. I've only asked her out to lunch after the first 5 times when she said "lets go out to lunch, just the two of us, here at so and so time", and after that I started asking once in a while. Never initiated anything without her first doing it. She's not allowed out at night, parents are strict.
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