kendahke Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 She's blocked him on social media but still has his number, and he texts her a few times a week from what I've gathered. I bought her some flowers 2 weeks ago for her getting her new job and she put them on snap chat. He text her straight after asking who the flowers were off. It's as if she's slightly using me to rub it in his face that someone is treating her well. I don't know, I trust her but I just feel he's a slight obstacle What are your feelings for her, exactly? What do you want to see happen? When you answer that, I'll finish my advice.
kismetkismet Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I think it's worth giving it a shot to work through this. You aren't even exclusive yet, if you run from every situation that has POTENTIAL signs of danger you're never going to find love.. that doesn't mean you aren't going to get hurt, but being hurt is part of relationships and finding love unfortunately... that said i would keep my guard up with this. Don't toss it out, but do pay attention and try to maintain open communication about it. When you become exclusive it is fair to expect that she sever contact with him. I don't think that's true of all exes, if a relationship has ended a reasonable enough time in the past and feelings of love and resentment have had time to fade then I believe friendships with exes are possible. However, he is very clearly crossing emotional boundaries here. She cannot keep him in her life in good conscience knowing that he has ulterior motives. The fact that he treated her poorly and she put up with so much may seem like it is in your favour, but it's not. It is easier to move on from relationships where feelings fade and incompatibilities arise, rather than those where one person is emotionally injured by the other. I think you have the right idea though, when you ask her to be exclusive raise the subject of her ex and ask her why she continues to maintain contact with him. 1
jam.over.jelly Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 She has told me a couple of times that she's 100% certain I'm not a rebound and her mind is clear and happy to date other people. She says she's never been happier, but still continues to reply to his messages. Take a look at her action, and not JUST her words. 1
kendahke Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 She has told me a couple of times that she's 100% certain I'm not a rebound and her mind is clear and happy to date other people. She says she's never been happier, but still continues to reply to his messages. she say that til she's blue in the face and I would not believe her. What do her actions say? 5 months ago, she was a sobbing mess behind discovery of his cheating for the 3rd time. I do not believe that she is done with him. If she was done with him, his number would be blocked on her phone and she wouldn't be giving him an audience. My ex is on block on my phone. Know why? Because I'm done with him and don't want to hear from his cheating, lying behind. 1
kendahke Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Actually, I'll just go ahead and tell you my advice. Sit her down and tell her that you are developing feelings for her and are considering asking her to be exclusive/committed (if that's where you're going. If not, then nevermind and stop reading here); but you have a lot of reservations right now about moving ahead in that direction because she's still giving her ex an audience and that is too messy for you. If she wants to keep her ex in her life, then you cannot be a part of that and to wish her luck and stop seeing her after that. She will either cut off all communication on everything and every device or she won't. It really depends upon if she has the will and interest to end things with him because you are better to/for her than he was. Quite frankly, I wouldn't get involved with anyone only 5 months post break up after a 3 year relationship for this very reason. She's still bargaining with him and that means she's lightyears away from being done with him. 2
KatZee Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 She can tell herself and you that all she wants. He keeps texting because she's responding. She's responding because she's not ready to drop that bond. Tread very lightly here . . . She's never been happier? She's just been so down for the last few months, that this feels really good. Yep. My ex did the same thing. He told me he was so happy with me. Hadn't been happier. My ex said all the same things this girl is saying to you. All the way down to the part where he told me over and over that he was over her, I was not his rebound and he wouldn't be pursuing me if he didn't feel he was ready for a relationship. Of course he was happy with me. He had been in a garbage relationship with his ex for years and suddenly he was free with a shiny new toy. We dated for a couple months, we became official, we each met each others friends/family. We went away to the Bahamas for one vacation, we went to Atlantic City for New Years. When my ex cheated on me with his ex, he hadn't seen her or spoken to her in 6 months. They lived in different towns. All we're saying, is be careful. This is not a new story. Your situation is not unique or special to you or her. This story has been played out time and time again. I learned that what my ex was, was a jumper. Tree swinger. He would rather be miserable in a relationship, he'd rather rebound from person to person than face his issues, face the problems, heal from them and be single. People like to say a lot of pretty things. You even said, "She's saying all the right things." Of course she is. Anyone could say anything. What you need to be doing is watching actions. And those actions are: I can't stop/won't stop talking to my ex. 2
scooby-philly Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I guess part of this is age & experience giving different perspectives. Would love to know the relative ages of the posters so far. I mean I'm 34 and I've learned the hard way that exes are no good. I've never been cheated on (that I know of) but I'm also old enough to meet women with ex-husbands or fathers of their children. In certain circumstances you can't but help interact with people. But it sounds, OP,like you're both still early to mid twenties? In that case I agree - she gets some sort of fix from either flaunting you over him, or making herself feel good. I'd tread lightly. We don't have enough info to really guide you perfectly, but as others have said - keep looking at the behavior. In all honesty, it takes less than 5 minutes to change your phone number nowadays. In 10 minutes you can change it copy down all the numbers in your phone you want to save, and then text those people hey - new number. Seriously - it's pretty easy. So keep that in mind.
KatZee Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Yep. I was 25 when I met my ex. He was 24. I thought this dude hung the moon. Everything he said was perfect. He was totally over his ex and he'd never hurt me. Sometimes you just have to learn the hard way and it doesn't matter what anyone says. Never in a million years would I have thought he'd run back to her, cheat on me with her, lie to my face about her. But here we are. Now I'm 31 and I'd never again entertain anyone with an ex still in the picture. Been there. Done that. Left with the door prize.
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 I agree, I need to look at her actions more than her words. She's genuinely a really nice girl, I can tell that and I genuinely am crazy about her. But I don't want to invest any more feelings on someone that could potentially be hung up and still not over their ex. I'm 25 and she's 22 by the way. All of these opinions has made me feel distant towards her in the matter of hours. We are still seeing Each other Friday but right now I'm not enjoying even texting her. Next time he's mentioned I'm going to have to say something. And if I lose her then so be it. 1
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 What about something like this... Look, you know how much I care about you and I'm really enjoying our time together, you're a great girl and I want to take this further but I'm concerned about how often your ex is brought up. I know you've said your done with him and that he treated you so badly but why haven't you fully closed the door on him? I know you two have a lot of history but only you can answer why you're still replying to him, I need someone who's fully invested in me like I am with them and right now i don't think you are. I feel you're not ready quite ready to let go of you're ex, if you were you'd have blocked him by now."
jam.over.jelly Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 What about something like this... Look, you know how much I care about you and I'm really enjoying our time together, you're a great girl and I want to take this further but I'm concerned about how often your ex is brought up. I know you've said your done with him and that he treated you so badly but why haven't you fully closed the door on him? I know you two have a lot of history but only you can answer why you're still replying to him, I need someone who's fully invested in me like I am with them and right now i don't think you are. I feel you're not ready quite ready to let go of you're ex, if you were you'd have blocked him by now." Sounds good to me. I would send that and see what she has to say
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Sounds good to me. I would send that and see what she has to say I'm not texting her that. Il say it when I see her or she mentions him 3
kismetkismet Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I think that's smart to talk with her about it now. The way you have it worded there is a bit doomsy though. Like you are breaking up with her but hoping she will ask you to stay. Don't say things like "and i don't think you are" say something closer to "i want to make sure that you are" and leave out that last sentence. Don't tell her how she feels, tell her how you feel. ask her how she feels and why she's doing it. Expecting her not to keep talking to an ex that is clearly trying to get her back in some shape or form when the two of you are exclusive is perfectly reasonable. But i think it's good to clarify that's the direction you want to go in etc.
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 I think that's smart to talk with her about it now. The way you have it worded there is a bit doomsy though. Like you are breaking up with her but hoping she will ask you to stay. Don't say things like "and i don't think you are" say something closer to "i want to make sure that you are" and leave out that last sentence. Don't tell her how she feels, tell her how you feel. ask her how she feels and why she's doing it. Expecting her not to keep talking to an ex that is clearly trying to get her back in some shape or form when the two of you are exclusive is perfectly reasonable. But i think it's good to clarify that's the direction you want to go in etc. Great advice, yea I see your point, il make it more positive.
phineas Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) She's blocked him on social media but still has his number, and he texts her a few times a week from what I've gathered. I bought her some flowers 2 weeks ago for her getting her new job and she put them on snap chat. He text her straight after asking who the flowers were off. It's as if she's slightly using me to rub it in his face that someone is treating her well. I don't know, I trust her but I just feel he's a slight obstacle Snapchat is social media. if he knows she posted a pic of flowers, then clearly he isn't blocked as much as you think. Edited October 21, 2015 by phineas 2
Author python23 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Things will Be talked about this weekend. So far she's been the one to talk about where our relationship is going and I think she will talk about being exclusive after Friday. So this will be my time to talk about things. Hopefully she sees where I'm coming from and agrees to block him from everything. The main question here is only she can answer. Why hasent she blocked his number? Il see what she says.
kpl Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Things will Be talked about this weekend. So far she's been the one to talk about where our relationship is going and I think she will talk about being exclusive after Friday. So this will be my time to talk about things. Hopefully she sees where I'm coming from and agrees to block him from everything. The main question here is only she can answer. Why hasent she blocked his number? Il see what she says. I think I might have a different view of things. I dated someone once and I was a cool chick about him talking to his ex. At the time I felt like I had no right to tell this guy who he could and could not talk to and if I pushed it it would come across like I didn't trust him. I said nothing more than I'm not a fan of you talking to your ex but I'm not going to tell you what to do, and then I never brought it up again. His ex was crazy and complicated and our relationship was easy and fun. So I let him keep in contact and he slowly started to realize how bad she was to him and the fun of being in a healthy relationship with someone who cares about you. He eventually stopped constant contact with her but would periodically speak to her through the years we dated. I never got upset after he "chose" our relationship in the beginning and our trust grew. He also was just not the cheating type. A very genuinely good guy. Not all ppl are prone to cheating. I dated another guy who didn't talk to his ex at all hand't spoken to her for 6 mos but was sooooo not over her. It was an awful relationship and he was so emotionally unavailable it was the worse. Right now, I'm in my 30s and we all have exes. You are a bit younger so this may not apply but once you have more relationship experiences it is a little harder to gauge how well someone is over their ex. Some guys will carry torches for exes they have dated for years and simply just being in contact with them doesn't mean anything. I think saying something like - if ex talk comes up - hey why do you talk to him he treated you so badly, will be enough to get the conversation started. She probably knows it isn't right and might even feel guilty to not respond to him. I would just watch and observe the situation but I wouldn't make this a huge issue until it becomes one. If they aren't meeting up and hanging out either, i don't think this is as a big of an issue. Give her the space to make the decision while at the same time watching her actions to protect yourself. 2
Redhead14 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Things will Be talked about this weekend. So far she's been the one to talk about where our relationship is going and I think she will talk about being exclusive after Friday. So this will be my time to talk about things. Hopefully she sees where I'm coming from and agrees to block him from everything. The main question here is only she can answer. Why hasent she blocked his number? Il see what she says. It is ok to ask her that, however, be non-confrontational about it. In other words, work up to it casually in conversation. "hey, you know if X is bothering you by texting, it might be a good idea to block his number. Otherwise, he'll keep bothering you and you won't be able to move on. I am uncomfortable about it myself". Do it with a spirit of helpfulness and support. Don't approach it as an "or else" thing. 2
Author python23 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 Kpl I agree. She isn't seeing him. They don't have the same social circle anymore so it's highly unlikely they'd even bump into each other. I'm going to go down that route and offer some helpful advice. That way she knows it's something I'm bothered about without sounding like I'm having a go at her about it. I really hope her words are genuine and she does feel the same way. Her actions towards me prove that. She's made so much effort so far. 2
kendahke Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) What about something like this... Look, you know how much I care about you and I'm really enjoying our time together, you're a great girl and I want to take this further but I'm concerned about how often your ex is brought up. I know you've said your done with him and that he treated you so badly but why haven't you fully closed the door on him? I know you two have a lot of history but only you can answer why you're still replying to him, I need someone who's fully invested in me like I am with them and right now i don't think you are. I feel you're not ready quite ready to let go of you're ex, if you were you'd have blocked him by now." Sounds good to me. I see nothing that needs to be changed. You're letting her know that you can plainly see what's falling out in experience at your feet. You're in the process of making an important decision with regards to entering into exclusivity/commitment with her--that means transparency must be in place along with honesty. If she bounces, then she needed to go be with her ex. Edited October 21, 2015 by kendahke
Blanco Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 My two cents: Not enough time has passed since their breakup for them to be communicating as "friends." At the very least, there's little chance the ex is a supporter of the new relationship. I've communicated with an ex semi regularly while in another relationship, but that was only after we had been broken up for many years and we had both found other relationships. Our interactions were never shady either (i.e. no flirting or pushing boundaries). As an aside, this girl treated me with great respect during and after our relationship. I can't quite wrap my head around the idea of still communicating with an ex who treated you poorly once you're in a new, supposedly better relationship.
Author python23 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 My two cents: Not enough time has passed since their breakup for them to be communicating as "friends." At the very least, there's little chance the ex is a supporter of the new relationship. I've communicated with an ex semi regularly while in another relationship, but that was only after we had been broken up for many years and we had both found other relationships. Our interactions were never shady either (i.e. no flirting or pushing boundaries). As an aside, this girl treated me with great respect during and after our relationship. I can't quite wrap my head around the idea of still communicating with an ex who treated you poorly once you're in a new, supposedly better relationship. I highly doubt her ex is supporting of her seeing me. He's continuously telling her that he messed up and the girl he left her for is a pain. (Even though he's still with her) He's only doing it in the hope he can keep her as an option. I hope she realises that. But I agree, it's far too early to be texting as friends and from what he's texting her, he's not acting as a friend.
smackie9 Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 Everyone talks boundaries here....the real issue is that she hasn't got her head straight. She still needs to sort out her feelings. Like I said she isn't ready to start a relationship with someone else. Nothing worse than being a rebound.
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