python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Things are going brilliant with a girl at the moment. We've been out 7 times. Slept with her on the 6th date, we both make the effort and she says nobody has treated her as good. She makes plans for me in the future and wants me to meet all of her friends. But... Her and her ex split in May, he cheated on her 3 times but the 3rd time was the final straw and she didn't want anything to do with him. They spent 3 years together and lived together at uni so this obviously hurt her a lot which I understand, he lives with this new girl now, but since she's been seeing me he's been telling her how much he misses her and regrets messing her about, he wants to know who she's seeing. She blocked him off Facebook straight away but still has his number. We aren't official yet so I don't think I can say anything. What should I do? He's only talking to her for an ego boost. If he really wanted her back he would try alot harder than this. He's still living with this new girl.
MoreAmore Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 At this point if she's telling you he's texting her and she's not acting unnerved by it, you have nothing to worry about... And you'd only look bad talking to her about it. If she's not responding best, or only responding with stop it, I don't want you, it will die.
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) The only thing I've said is I can't believe he's texting you when he lives with his girlfriend. He's clearly just hoping he can keep her as back up just incase he bins his current girlfriend off. He asked her when her driving test was last week, she told him and he told her when his was, as to which she told me she replied with oh ok well good luck. I didn't react but even a text last this just allows him to carry on texting her. I've decided I'm not going to say anything, just act cool and continue to treat her good. Edited October 20, 2015 by python23 1
phineas Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Screw that crap. Last woman I was seeing whose ex wouldn't leave her alone after We had sex and became exclusive, I told her to get rid of him permanently or we are done. She did. The woman before that didn't and I was gone. The woman before that, I acted cool and pretended it didn't bother me, she cheated on me with him. The woman before that , same. I have very few rules, one of them is no ex's. Especially ex's they claim are bad people. Makes no sense why someone would want an ex who treated them badly in contact with them unless they want that contact. 7
d0nnivain Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 She can't control his behavior. She can only control hers. If she's blocking him, then you should be OK. Exclusive or not, if he's still around, even through phone calls you can tell her his presence makes you uncomfortable & makes you rethink your desire to move forward with her. 3
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 She's blocked him on social media but still has his number, and he texts her a few times a week from what I've gathered. I bought her some flowers 2 weeks ago for her getting her new job and she put them on snap chat. He text her straight after asking who the flowers were off. It's as if she's slightly using me to rub it in his face that someone is treating her well. I don't know, I trust her but I just feel he's a slight obstacle 1
KatZee Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Screw that crap. The woman before that, I acted cool and pretended it didn't bother me, she cheated on me with him. I have very few rules, one of them is no ex's. Especially ex's they claim are bad people. Makes no sense why someone would want an ex who treated them badly in contact with them unless they want that contact. Gonna have to agree here. My last serious boyfriend had his ex still in the picture. He said things like, "I'm so much happier with you." "We had a horrible relationship." "I was unhappy with her for years." Meanwhile, they were still in contact. I acted like "the cool chick." He was officially with me so why was I going to act crazy? I was confident she wasn't a threat and that he was 100% done with her. He told me that she had been in his life for such a long time and he just wanted to be her friend. "Friend." HA! Finally, one night this girl showed up to the bar where we were all at, and enough was enough when I wound up standing on the sidelines watching the two of them stand together and "catch up." I stood there like an a.s$hole by myself. I told him to get rid of her, I wanted her out of the picture, that there is no reason to have contact with her, or be her friend, and if he wanted that, then he was clearly not over her. He agreed, deleted her from FB, took down their pics, e-mails whatever. Two years later and it gets leaked to me that he was cheating on me with his ex. His ex that was so awful. His ex that was so boring. His ex that I was so much better than. His ex he wanted to dump for years. He had changed her name in his phone so I wouldn't find it. Don't be so naive. If he was in her life for three years, despite what she's telling you right now, I guarantee he could snap his fingers and she'd go running right back. She stayed with him through him cheating THREE TIMES. Obviously she's weak for him and in love with him. I was stupid enough to think that what I had with my last boyfriend trumped the years he had spent with his ex. It didn't. She had years on me. That familiarity. That closeness. Even though they weren't a good couple, she still beat me and she still weaseled her way into his bed. It didn't matter that I was "so much better." It was horse$.hit. I'd watch this one closely. 2
kgcolonel Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I you decide to say anything else before you are "official" you might say, 'his loss is my gain" "I am so sorry you had to go through that pain, however I am really enjoying our time together!" "So what shall we do together next?" This won't come across as weak or jealous but strong and encouraging her to look ahead and not backward. 1
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Thanks for your advice, for now I'm going to keep quiet but in the next couple of weeks if it comes official and we are exclusive il say that I'm not comfortable him texting you things like he wants you back and Ex's like that are never healthy for a relationship, but il let her decide what she does, il just let her know im uncomfortable with it
PegNosePete Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 he texts her a few times a week from what I've gathered. I bought her some flowers 2 weeks ago for her getting her new job and she put them on snap chat. He text her straight after asking who the flowers were off. So why in hell does she text him back? If she stopped replying, he would soon get bored and stop texting her. But she chooses to have ongoing interactions with someone she claims to hate. I would see it as a major red flag. 5
jam.over.jelly Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 She's blocked him on social media but still has his number, and he texts her a few times a week from what I've gathered. I bought her some flowers 2 weeks ago for her getting her new job and she put them on snap chat. He text her straight after asking who the flowers were off. It's as if she's slightly using me to rub it in his face that someone is treating her well. I don't know, I trust her but I just feel he's a slight obstacle A slight obstacle? More like a big one. Tbh, if she wants absolutely nothing to do with him, she would have blocked his phone number too, or just completely ignore his texts. She was hurt badly by this guy, but they had so much history together, and for that reason I feel like deep down she's still hung up on him (because she can't even bring herself to ignore him completely) Why do I know this? Because I was her at one point. My ex who cheated on me kept leaving me breadcrumbs, and as much as I knew he was no good, I couldn't just delete him off of my life. I wanted to move on, I was seeing another guy, and I could have, until my ex kept contacting me. For whatever reason, I just could NOT delete his number. I wanted to still hear from him, very dumb I know, but i did. And I ended up breaking things off with the other guy, because clearly I wasn't over my ex. Now I'm not saying she isn't over hers. I'm saying she may still have unresolved feelings for him, and she just needs to cut him out completely to move on. You've been on 7th date with her, slept with her, I think it is completely reasonable for you to ask her about her ex, and what she would want to do about the situation. If she gets defensive and seems like she doesn't want to get rid of him, that's a red flag. If she's understanding and blocks him completely because she considers how you feel, then that's the girl you want to be with. Best of luck! 1
smackie9 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 he's not the only obstacle here, SHE is because she still has his number, sees his texts and communicates with him. A big red flag is that she forgave him two times! She's a cling-on. She is still very emotionally invested in him in a most unhealthy way. To me this is a deal breaker. She's just not ready yet. 3
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 he's not the only obstacle here, SHE is because she still has his number, sees his texts and communicates with him. A big red flag is that she forgave him two times! She's a cling-on. She is still very emotionally invested in him in a most unhealthy way. To me this is a deal breaker. She's just not ready yet. I'm seeing her Friday, I'm meeting her best friend. What should I do now? Just leave it Untill he's mentioned again or just say something ? What should I say exactly ? Should I tell her I'm backing off Untill she works out what she wants ?
smackie9 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Hey I know what I would do, but it's not up to me to say anything, it's up to you how you want to handle this. It's what YOU want to happen. You have until Friday to figure out how to approach this. I say sleep on it, keep reading the posts, and then make a decision.
KatZee Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't be seriously involved with anyone who still had contact with their ex, in any way, shape or form. Yes, she deleted him on Facebook, but she hasn't shut the door on him. And she hasn't because she doesn't want to. When I wanted to rid my life of my ex, I blocked his phone number, I blocked his e-mail, I threw out all of his stuff, deleted him on Facebook, deleted our e-mails, texts. Threw out all pictures/cards. I literally slammed that door and dead-bolted it 10x over. I left no room for any interpretation. He was GONE. She probably does like you, but at the same time she and her ex have that history. If she refuses to block his number, delete him off Snap chat and thinks it's OK to humor him by responding to his inquiries about who she's dating, who she's getting flowers from, listening to him profess his love and regret, then she's not over him. Even if she wouldn't go back to him, her emotional connection to him is still there, and she's not ready for a serious relationship. You'd at best, be the rebound. I was the rebound to my ex, even when he swore up and down that I wasn't. I was. And I can tell you, having that guy cheat on me, it MESSES you up so bad emotionally. I couldn't even look at another guy for a year after we broke up. I was too hurt and too damaged to even think about dating. This dude cheated on her THREE TIMES. There is no way she's even remotely OK. Edited October 20, 2015 by KatZee 3
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Hey I know what I would do, but it's not up to me to say anything, it's up to you how you want to handle this. It's what YOU want to happen. You have until Friday to figure out how to approach this. I say sleep on it, keep reading the posts, and then make a decision. I can see youd be getting rid if it was you. I'm not willing to do that as of yet. She's been brilliant to me so far and we get on so well, she's very much interested in committing to me it seems but I need to mention this problem
KatZee Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I can see youd be getting rid if it was you. I'm not willing to do that as of yet. She's been brilliant to me so far and we get on so well, she's very much interested in committing to me it seems but I need to mention this problem I wasn't willing to do that either. See where it got me? Absolutely destroyed. You're not willing to get rid of her, but she's not willing to treat YOU like a priority by tossing this dude in the trash where he belongs. Can't you see how skewed it is? For a relationship to work you both have to be each other's priority. Not you treating her like she's some goddess on earth, and she having conversations with her ex behind your back. 1
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Thanks for all your thoughtful replies. I know how she feels because I've been through it with an ex from a couple of years ago. No matter how much crap she put me through and how much I knew she was no good for me it took me so long to finally hit a wall and decide I needed to completely get rid of her, that included deleting her number.
KatZee Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Thanks for all your thoughtful replies. I know how she feels because I've been through it with an ex from a couple of years ago. No matter how much crap she put me through and how much I knew she was no good for me it took me so long to finally hit a wall and decide I needed to completely get rid of her, that included deleting her number. Right, and who knows how long it's going to take for her to get to that point, if she even gets there at all. How long are you willing to wait while she plays this out?
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) Right, and who knows how long it's going to take for her to get to that point, if she even gets there at all. How long are you willing to wait while she plays this out? Well it's not as if she's stalling with me, things seem to be progressing between us. I'm meeting her friends at the weekend, she's mentioned multiple times that she wants to go away for the weekend soon and that everything good is falling into place for her at the moment and I'm one of the main reasons for it. So she's saying all the right things. Her ex lives over 30 miles away and she hasent seen him for 4 months. So it's not like they are going to see each other. When the talk of being exclusive comes up im going to talk to her about my previous experience of finally shutting the door on my ex and that I'm concerned she's not ready to do the same with hers, and that I'm committed to her but I need her to be fully committed to me, and see how she takes it. Good idea ? Edited October 20, 2015 by python23 1
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Things are going brilliant with a girl at the moment. We've been out 7 times. Slept with her on the 6th date, we both make the effort and she says nobody has treated her as good. She makes plans for me in the future and wants me to meet all of her friends. But... Her and her ex split in May, he cheated on her 3 times but the 3rd time was the final straw and she didn't want anything to do with him. They spent 3 years together and lived together at uni so this obviously hurt her a lot which I understand, he lives with this new girl now, but since she's been seeing me he's been telling her how much he misses her and regrets messing her about, he wants to know who she's seeing. She blocked him off Facebook straight away but still has his number. We aren't official yet so I don't think I can say anything. What should I do? He's only talking to her for an ego boost. If he really wanted her back he would try alot harder than this. He's still living with this new girl. You shouldn't do anything. The situation is for her to deal with. You may want to open a conversation with her about what her overall dating goals are at the moment if you haven't already. This will cause her to actively think about the situation on the whole and maybe to focus on what's happening between you two and help her close the book on the ex if she is wavering in any way. Frankly, though, it's very soon after the break with the ex and she may be struggling with it still. So, just be patient and observe. 1
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 You shouldn't do anything. The situation is for her to deal with. You may want to open a conversation with her about what her overall dating goals are at the moment if you haven't already. This will cause her to actively think about the situation on the whole and maybe to focus on what's happening between you two and help her close the book on the ex if she is wavering in any way. Frankly, though, it's very soon after the break with the ex and she may be struggling with it still. So, just be patient and observe. I have to disagree with the bold part. There's two people here including me developing feelings, I think I have a right to be wary and talk about my concerns before committing to someone who might not be fully over their last relationship, I have to think of my self too.
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I have to disagree with the bold part. There's two people here including me developing feelings, I think I have a right to be wary and talk about my concerns before committing to someone who might not be fully over their last relationship, I have to think of my self too. You two are not in a relationship yet. You are still individuals. You have not asked her for exclusivity or to be official. Until that happens, it really isn't any of your business what she does. You can and should be wary, but that is for you to manage. You need to manage your own emotions and expectations. You should think of yourself but you cannot ask or tell her to do anything. And, do not ask her for exclusivity or to be official at this point. That would be the smart thing. Until she shows you that she has closed the book on that situation first, you would be wise to simply continue to date her and enjoy the time with her. She may jump at the opportunity to be official with you, but you need to consider whether or not it would be about an ego boost for her. She is likely feeling rejected and disrespected and so this kind of attention from someone else now would be very appealing. You may find yourself to be the "rebound" guy. She needs more time. It's ok to talk to her and find out "where" she's at right now in terms of things with him, but don't push it too much.
Author python23 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 She has told me a couple of times that she's 100% certain I'm not a rebound and her mind is clear and happy to date other people. She says she's never been happier, but still continues to reply to his messages.
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 She has told me a couple of times that she's 100% certain I'm not a rebound and her mind is clear and happy to date other people. She says she's never been happier, but still continues to reply to his messages. She can tell herself and you that all she wants. He keeps texting because she's responding. She's responding because she's not ready to drop that bond. Tread very lightly here . . . She's never been happier? She's just been so down for the last few months, that this feels really good. 2
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