Johnson1 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) I recently started dating this woman a month ago. She is very beautiful, sweet and appears to be very honest and forthcoming, but there a some red flags. Wondering if you can help me decipher if she's on the up and up. So far I've seen her about 7 times over the course of the month. During the week she works, but then after work she always has something she has to do till 8:30-9 at night. She does have a 23 year old son nearby who lives with her ex mother in law (her ex husband died a couple of years ago, but she remained close with his family). Anyway, she says that when she's not at their house she's out doing errands for her and other relatives (and seeing her pot guy to score some weed here and there). She told me he has a wife and kids. She's had a very checkered past. She was in prison for two years for assault with a deadly weapon and possession of ecstasy 15 years ago, but she told me it was because her boyfriend at the time beat her and she defended herself by hitting him in the face with a glass candle. She said they both did time. She was in a 14 year marriage prior. Him and another guy she dated after her husband were losers. the last one she dated was for 9 months. She was with him for a few years after she split with her hubby in the mid 90's, but started seeing him again last year. Anyway, he didn't hit her or abuse her, but she just grew tired of his obnoxiousness in public and yelling at guys who looked at her. When she broke up with him he stalked her, smashed her new car and slashed all her tires. She ended up having to get a restraining order against him and a night vision surveillance system put on her duplex. The most recent guy she was seeing (is/might still be), is this lowlife rapper dude with a long criminal history (including accidentally homicide when he hit some old lady crossing the street). She said over the course of the last 2.5 months they had a purely sexual thing going on, but the she doesn't want him in that way anymore because he's short and I'm tall (so is she) and I'm more of what she wants long term. He also has a young kid which she doesn't want to raise. She says he's a nice guy and they both go to church together on Sunday, but told me she would never be with him sexually again because she doesn't want to risk losing me. When she first mentioned him she told me there was this guy friend of hers who had a crush on her, but she wasn't interested, the the following week she told me about their sexual fling, then this week she added that he's a massage therapist who would come over her house to massage her, although he has no degree of any kind and has no office or does it professionally. She insists they're only friends, but he doesn't know about me yet (i don't think he does) because she hasn't had a chance to tell him. She told me she hasn't spoken with him or gone to church with him in a few weeks because his phone has been dead. I told her I wasn't thrilled about him coming over and massaging her and that I'm her BF and that's my job. I don't care if she claims it's all professional and strictly friends or not. I asked her what she was doing this weekend and she said the had either a party to go to at a couple house she knows or go to the Chris Cornell concert with a guy friend (different guy). She's the one who mentioned it, but was reluctant to mention whether they were male or female until I asked directly. She said she's undecided on which on she wants to go to, but she really would like to go see Chris Cornell, which I can't say I blame her. This guy put on her page that he had two tickets so I guess he asked her if she wanted to go. She said she has Saturday free for us to do something. I don't know how I feel about her going with this guy friend. I mean it's all about trust and she seems very adamant and forthcoming to an extent about things she has to do. We've been very close and she says she's lonely and just wants to have someone good in her life since her family is a train wreck and she's been abused so much in the past. The only thing that bothers me is the fact that she is VERY sexual. Anywhere, any place type of girl. She was willing to have sex behind the stores at open mic night and says I can pretty much do whatever I like to her, but all this sexuality is only meant for one person. She's not a slut, which I don't think she is. She just loves sex, but still, even though she says she would never cheat because she wants me (and seems sincere), it tough to trust, especially her going to concert with a guy friend. We took pics together at the beach on Saturday and had a fantastic time and talked lot and came to a common understanding (or so it seemed and I hope). She hasn't posted them on her FB nor do I expect her to. She said she's told some of her friends about me and her son, but is reluctant to introduce me to any of them until she's (sure of me) because of her past BF's. I don't know what to do or how much to trust. She is sweet, very tall and beautiful, and appears to be honest and forthright in words. It's just the sex thing that concerns me. She seems obsessed with it. I can't be 100% sure she's telling the truth. She seems to be hiding me (although she says she isn't trying to), but I understand why. She's fearful of her ex and very skiddish about the next guy she lets into her life, which I totally understand. What do you think of this situation? She's met my brother and some of my friends that they think she's a very nice person. She has a good heart and has empathy. I've seen it first hand. She consoled a young kid she didn't know on night at a club. He had been in an accident and broke up with his girlfriend and was in tears. It was a nice thing to see. Even though she has a nightmarish past with men including being molested when she was younger and raped by three guys at once, and still is currently 'friends' with a dirtbag she says she won't have sex with anymore, I'm having trouble trusting. I want to. What do you think? Edited October 20, 2015 by Vocals5
salparadise Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 but the she doesn't want him in that way anymore because he's short and I'm tall (so is she) and I'm more of what she wants long term. this guy friend of hers who had a crush on her, but she wasn't interested, the the following week she told me about their sexual fling, then this week she added that he's a massage therapist who would come over her house to massage her, although he has no degree of any kind and has no office or does it professionally. She insists they're only friends, but he doesn't know about me yet (i don't think he does) because she hasn't had a chance to tell him. concert with a guy friend (different guy). She's the one who mentioned it, but was reluctant to mention whether they were male or female until I asked directly. This guy put on her page that he had two tickets so I guess he asked her if she wanted to go. She said she has Saturday free for us to do something. I don't know how I feel about her going with this guy friend. I mean it's all about trust and she seems very adamant and forthcoming to an extent about things she has to do. family is a train wreck and she's been abused so much in the past. The only thing that bothers me is the fact that she is VERY sexual. Anywhere, any place type of girl. She was willing to have sex behind the stores at open mic night and says I can pretty much do whatever I like to her, but all this sexuality is only meant for one person. She's not a slut, which I don't think she is. She just loves sex, but still, even though she says she would never cheat because she wants me (and seems sincere), it tough to trust, especially her going to concert with a guy friend. We took pics together at the beach on Saturday and had a fantastic time and talked lot and came to a common understanding. She hasn't posted them on her FB nor do I expect her to. She said she's told some of her friends about me and her son, but is reluctant to introduce me to any of them until she's (sure of me) because of her past BF's. I don't know what to do or how much to trust. She is sweet, very tall and beautiful, and appears to be honest and forthright in words. It's just the sex thing that concerns me. She seems obsessed with it. I can't be 100% sure she's telling the truth. She seems to be hiding me (although she says she isn't trying to), but I understand why. Even though she has a nightmarish past with men including being molested when she was younger and raped by three guys at once, and still is currently 'friends' with a dirtbag she says she won't have sex with anymore, I'm having trouble trusting. I want to. What do you think? I think she's going to put you through the spin cycle, wring you out and then move along and do it again to someone else. I realize that's not what you want to hear. It's what you need to hear. I also know you're not going to quit banging a beautiful woman who wants sex anyplace, anytime, and tells you exactly what you want to hear. Dude, she's banging these other guys. Don't be a fool. I hope you're using protection. About the trusting... don't. Words are way too easy and apparently she's good at words. Ignore the words and focus on actions. There is a good reason she's keeping all her guys separated... and your intuition is telling you what it is. Best advice I can give is bang her like there's no tomorrow (because there isn't) and be ready to walk away, or for her to walk away. What you're actually seeing is the tip of the iceberg. Protect yourself. 1
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 For havens sake man. Run away from the crazy. This woman needs more than church on a Sunday to straighten her out. Use your brain not your balls... Why are you even contemplating this? This isn't a few red flags this is evacuate with flags, flashing lights and sirens blazing! This isn't a train wreck its a full blow apocalypse. I didn't even get half way! 4
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 ...what did I just read.... Dude. Stay away from her. If this is your idea of a healthy, stable and trustworthy partner - yikes. And yes, I'm a woman too. 2
sandylee1 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 She has way too many issues for you to take on. Life with her would be pure stress and drama. If your looking for a long term girl - this is not her. There must be a whole lot of women out there you could have a relationship with, who don't come either enough baggage to fill a 737. Please just get out of this relationship before you get hurt.
Author Johnson1 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 I was only with her once and didn't use anything. I've had so many dates that didn't work out because I failed to trust. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Shr said ages clean and I have nothing to worry about because she wants to be around for her son.
Disconnect Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 It's your call, of course, OP, your judgement, but it sounds like something off Jerry Springer. Would anyone really want all this drama?
Art_Critic Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Dude, she's banging these other guys. Don't be a fool. I hope you're using protection. Good post and to the OP read his whole post.. it's great and fits... The banging other guys.. oh yeah, the massage guy too... maybe he supplies her some pills and the payoff is 20mins, who knows but there isn't much doubt that you aren't the only guy she is being sexual with,
todreaminblue Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) theres this thing called guilt by association.......people assume people who associate with each other are like each other.....i fully understand this......i have people i am friends with and have been friends with... if you can call it that..i was their friend never quite sure if they felt the same way about me......all have some pretty ugly pasts as do i......i am not in a position to judge people unworthy to be my friend because of their past...i have changed why cant they have?.....as i said above i actually do understand why people would consider this to be a red flag and struggle with discernment from past to present.... i feel you really need to decide on what is important for you and stick to it...if it is important that she not get massages from some guy she had a sexual tryst with ...then be firm with that......you have a right too...you have a right to feel comfortable with the woman you are with and you wont be comfortable at all, if you leave thsi be and say and do nothing..... ...its only going to get worse for you and the more you give and give and give ...she wont respect that,......i would not respect a partner who said it was ok for me to go get massages off a guy and go on dates with a guy i slept with...... late at night dates with any guy really.........because that to me isnt caring or considerate... its pretty dumb to believe that nothing would ever happen ...its high risk to cheating if she hasnt already.........state what you agree with and what you dont... be as honest and supposedly upfront as she is.....and set it straight from the get go what you can live with and what you cant...if she truly cares for you like she should...she wont do the things that make you uncomfortable and rectify what she is doing that makes you feel that way.........deb Edited October 20, 2015 by todreaminblue
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I was only with her once and didn't use anything. I've had so many dates that didn't work out because I failed to trust. I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Shr said ages clean and I have nothing to worry about because she wants to be around for her son. Go to the doctor and get tested. Just because you have trust issues doesn't mean you just give trust out willy nilly... Give little bits out slow and steady. Not just all of it to some woman who has less morals than a... I can't actually think of the word...
Author Johnson1 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 I know all of this sounds bad. She has cried to me about all that's happened to her. She told me she tried to commit suicide a few times after the death of her ex husband. If she is telling telling the truth how do I put it to her that I need her to 'show' me without it coming off as I don't trust what she's telling me? I told her I would like to meet her son and mother in law and she said I will soon. I could just hold off in the sex until she let's me in more in her life. As far as laying down the law about going out with her guy friend in Friday I know she might turn it into a trust issue in my part. Not sure what to say not to push her away.
Toodaloo Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Not sure what to say not to push her away. I am dumbfounded... Are you thinking you can "save" her? You can't - all that fairy tale stuff is bollocks. You are going to end up in one heck of a mess. Get a grip man. There are plenty of women who are not straight out of a Jerry Springer Special that like and enjoy sex! THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN NOT YOUR BALLS!!! <- Is there anyway I can make that really big and highlight it??? 1
Author Johnson1 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 I am dumbfounded... Are you thinking you can "save" her? You can't - all that fairy tale stuff is bollocks. You are going to end up in one heck of a mess. Get a grip man. There are plenty of women who are not straight out of a Jerry Springer Special that like and enjoy sex! THINK WITH YOUR BRAIN NOT YOUR BALLS!!! <- Is there anyway I can make that really big and highlight it??? That's why I suggested no sex until I can establish trust and learn who she is.
Maggie4 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I stopped reading your long post at "She was in prison for two years for assault with a deadly weapon..." Then I scrolled down to the end: "I'm having trouble trusting. I want to. What do you think?" What are you doing?! This just isn't working out. 1
LustStruck Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 I stopped reading your long post at "She was in prison for two years for assault with a deadly weapon..." Then I scrolled down to the end: "I'm having trouble trusting. I want to. What do you think?" What are you doing?! This just isn't working out. Ditto. The thing about ex convicts, druggies, etc, is that most times, "it's never their fault" because there is no personal responsibility for her actions (why doesn't the son love with mom instead of a sr. Family member? )... I would get out before she leaches onto you... don't fall for it.
Author Johnson1 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 (edited) Update: You were all right. She's nothing but a user. Even though we had a great time this weekend (or so she acted and said she did), she broke it off and I'm pretty sure I know why. She's had this thing planned out to go with a 'guy friend' to see a concert. Funny how she waited 3 days before the show to break it off. Typical player narcissist. Make em' feel like it's something 'they' did wrong. She tried to blame me, saying that I 'freaked her out' over stupid BS on Friday when everything was perfectly fine at the time. Unbelievable. Now I understand her ex's better. Edited October 21, 2015 by Vocals5
Author Johnson1 Posted October 21, 2015 Author Posted October 21, 2015 I am so stupid. The last two women I dated had questionable morals. I was married for 31 years until a year and a half ago. I let my loneliness and nievete in dating lead me down the wrong path. Now I'm more petrified than I've been in my whole life. I'm afraid to get tested because of what I might hear. I'm already a massive worrier. I'm convincing myself that she is okay heath wise based on what I've seen. She's not tired all the time, has plenty of energy and has a beautiful body with absolutely no signs of anything wrong, so I'm not going to freak out. I refuse to believe she is totally nuts. She is smart and has a good job and a nice home she lives in and a son and family she loves. For now I'm going to believe that there is honesty in what she told me about being cautious and clean for her son, so I'm going to hold onto that. For me knowing would be the worst. I'm just going to ride it out, forget about this whole experience and hope for the best. I'm going back to church to pray for Gods forgiveness and hopefully he'll keep me safe and finally give me the happiness with a good person I feel I deserve.
BrokenManAgain Posted October 21, 2015 Posted October 21, 2015 God gave you a brain. End of His committement to you. Use it.
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