9 years of relationship with my Fiance has ended. I got dumped. My mistakes.

October 20, 2015

I was in a 9 year relationship with my ex girlfriend when it ended badly last September. I proposed to her last May and she said yes. We were supposed to get married next year but I did a terrible thing prior to the proposal. I wrote a love letter/message to her friend via Facebook which she found out recently (yeah I know it's an ******* and stupid thing to do. It's a stupid mistake I totally regret even before she knew it). So she dumped me and now she is already in a new relationship in just less than 2 months.

She seems to be very happy and have recently heard from a common friend that she keep telling that she has never experienced this happiness before during our 9 years relationship. The new guys seems to be perfect and a complete contrast of who I am. It sucks to hear that and I just felt like big looser. I'm not sure if this is because they are still on the so called "honeymoon stage" but from what I've heard she's decided and have moved on. She is really happy and looks like she's really starting to forget me.

She met this guy on her new work after our break-up. I'm like a complete stranger to her now. I did all the usual thing for about a month right after our break-up (begging, pleading, etc.).

I went into a 2 weeks of NC but whenever we talk now, she seems to be very distant and cold. Now I'm trying to go NC again for as much as I could.

Allow me to tell you the background/overview of our relationship.

I met her when I was in high school when my mom and dad got into a divorced. I was not able to get into college due to financial issues and I was really depressed during those time. We were very young back then (18-17 y.o). She was the only inspiration that got me moving in life. We were together already and was really having the best time of our lives. About a couple of years into our relationship, I found a decent job. Her family is also having some financial issues during those time. Since I really love her and I want her to finish her college. I got her to finish her 5 years course in college. I was the one who paid her tuition fees, her monthly allowance, dorm payments, all other requirements. etc. Basically about 90% of financial needs that is required for her to finish college, I was the one who covered it.

I got promoted to the job and is now very stable. All throughout our 9 years, I bought her all the good stuff, I spoiled her, I basically gave everything she ask for. We were travelling a lot, went out of country and we really believed that it was us until the end.

But at some point, in the last 2-3 years it got a bit stale. I got a bit complacent and took her for granted. I got to the point that I was like a bit too controlling and felt like she will never leave me ever no matter what I do because of the sacrifices and things I did to her. I got really tired at work. She was my first girlfriend and so at some point, I made some mistakes. There were moments where I was really questioning if she really is the woman I will end up with. Specially during the last couple of year where I was already contemplating of marrying her.

So I did the most stupid mistake I've ever done in my whole life. One day, I was really not thinking straight and convinced myself that I should try something out of the blue. I wrote a long message to her friend (which I have a crush on since we were kids. She was also a common friend as she lives in the same neighborhood since my childhood days. My ex always get jealous with this friend of her whenever we get close or something). The message was definitely something I would not like my ex to hear. I wrote stupid lies as if the other girl was really the one I like to be with and the one I really loved. That it was supposed to be her. I know at that moment that if my ex read this, it will be the end of everything. During those time I was courageous and decided. But when I hit the send button, I immediately regret it. But it was too late. Her friend was able to read it but she gave me a chance. She said she will never tell this to my ex at all. I got really tired. I was insecure about myself which I think why I did this.

This was about 3 months before I proposed to my girlfriend. I was really sure at that point that she is the one for me. So I surprised her and she said yes. It was the most happiest moment in my life. She cried and I know she was so happy as well. We were doing fine and is already starting to prepare for our wedding next year until something happened.

The three of us are involved in a christian church. They are very devoted and I was not. I did some stupid thing in the church which got me expelled. My ex was willing to get expelled as well but her family and friends who are very faithful and devoted to this church does not want this to happen. And so her friend showed her the letter. And that was it. She ended it and I am now a complete stranger.

I even bought a house for us last year. But now seems like all the love, all my investment and future that I'm looking forward to with her are all gone. I really love her and I'm having a hard time forgiving my self because of this mistake. Everyday I can feel the pain as soon as I wake up and before I go to sleep. It feels like the pain will never end.

I was not perfect throughout our relationship but I did tried my best. I never been in a full blown affair. Even after work, I go home right away. I'm not into clubbing or going out to bars and flirting/meeting with other woman. And she knows that. I never touch another woman than her.

She was actually not perfect as well. She's very friendly and always flirts with other guys. There was this one time when I was still paying her college where she was involved with a guy in school. I saw the pictures, conversations, etc. In the end we got it fixed and sorted out but I was the one begging and was the one asking her to have it ended.

For the last 2 to 3 years though I was not treating her really well consistently. There are days where I was really distant to her. I was not sweet and clingy like she wants me to be. We always get into a fight with a lot of shouting and cursing. I got really fed up juggling work and all my responsibilities. I took her for granted as I was the one providing everything. Basically when it comes to emotional things, I was really lacking it for the last 2 to 3 years.

It was on and off though. There are days where we are really doing good and having fun. We shared a lot of common interest. We traveled a lot. We still go out and dine every weekend or so. But again it was already on and off for the last couple of years. It was not consistent.

And so now, she has a long list of all the bad things I did in the relationship. She said she forgive me already but she can't trust and accept me again anymore.

All I was asking is for her to try and understand why I became like this and to try to work things out. Honestly, it was a big blow and really an eye opener for me. I really really want to make things right with her but she wouldn't let me anymore. I know deep inside that I won't do the same mistakes again as I really love her but she won't trust me anymore. And now she is already with a new guy.

I admit I hurt her so bad and all of these are the results of my actions. She was very sweet and loving. I know we will really end up getting married if this did not happen.

On the other hand, I'm also happy that this happened. Because if not, I may not see all these mistakes and the bad things I'm doing and we will get married and have kids. I won't see her true value and the love I have for her if this didn't happen. This is a good thing in case we get a chance to get back together cause I can assure myself and I can assure her that I will treat her right and won't do the same mistakes again for the rest of our lives.

It's a shame that it looks like it is too late now.

I'm really not sure what to do. If I should still hope or just move on completely. I'm so depressed and my work is being affected. I tried to became strong and be positive but everytime I learn something about her (that she has moved on, now she's with another guy, etc.) , it just blows me down again and again.

I still want her to be my wife but seeing her so happy now with the other guy was just too much for me to bear. I think this is hopeless.

October 20, 2015

I think it's time for you to start moving on and accept that it's over. You shot yourself right in the foot by writing a love letter to her friend - what in god's name were you thinking, man? You are the one who basically took a huge crap all over relationship. I guarantee that forever changed the way she sees you. You also said you never had a full-blown affair - have you come close? You have to understand that seeing that love letter to her friend would taint her perception of you in a major way and she probably questioned the entire relationship. Not only did you cross a boundary by writing another woman a love letter, you chose her friend. Really, really not good. I know you know this now. I don't think there's going to be a reconciliation.

Honestly, the money you put into the house and her education really doesn't matter if the relationship is toxic or broken. She doesn't owe you anything, unfair as that seems. It sounds like the relationship ran its course and you outgrew each other. I get that she wasn't perfect either. You could have chosen to walk away then. Now she's chosen the same path. It's done.

Put your energy into rebuilding yourself and starting a new phase of your life.

October 20, 2015

I was in a 9 year relationship with my ex girlfriend when it ended badly last September. I proposed to her last May and she said yes. We were supposed to get married next year but I did a terrible thing prior to the proposal. I wrote a love letter/message to her friend via Facebook which she found out recently (yeah I know it's an ******* and stupid thing to do. It's a stupid mistake I totally regret even before she knew it). So she dumped me and now she is already in a new relationship in just less than 2 months.

She seems to be very happy and have recently heard from a common friend that she keep telling that she has never experienced this happiness before during our 9 years relationship. The new guys seems to be perfect and a complete contrast of who I am. It sucks to hear that and I just felt like big looser. I'm not sure if this is because they are still on the so called "honeymoon stage" but from what I've heard she's decided and have moved on. She is really happy and looks like she's really starting to forget me.
She met this guy on her new work after our break-up. I'm like a complete stranger to her now. I did all the usual thing for about a month right after our break-up (begging, pleading, etc.).
I went into a 2 weeks of NC but whenever we talk now, she seems to be very distant and cold. Now I'm trying to go NC again for as much as I could.

Allow me to tell you the background/overview of our relationship.

I met her when I was in high school when my mom and dad got into a divorced. I was not able to get into college due to financial issues and I was really depressed during those time. We were very young back then (18-17 y.o). She was the only inspiration that got me moving in life. We were together already and was really having the best time of our lives. About a couple of years into our relationship, I found a decent job. Her family is also having some financial issues during those time. Since I really love her and I want her to finish her college. I got her to finish her 5 years course in college. I was the one who paid her tuition fees, her monthly allowance, dorm payments, all other requirements. etc. Basically about 90% of financial needs that is required for her to finish college, I was the one who covered it.

I got promoted to the job and is now very stable. All throughout our 9 years, I bought her all the good stuff, I spoiled her, I basically gave everything she ask for. We were travelling a lot, went out of country and we really believed that it was us until the end.

But at some point, in the last 2-3 years it got a bit stale. I got a bit complacent and took her for granted. I got to the point that I was like a bit too controlling and felt like she will never leave me ever no matter what I do because of the sacrifices and things I did to her. I got really tired at work. She was my first girlfriend and so at some point, I made some mistakes. There were moments where I was really questioning if she really is the woman I will end up with. Specially during the last couple of year where I was already contemplating of marrying her.

So I did the most stupid mistake I've ever done in my whole life. One day, I was really not thinking straight and convinced myself that I should try something out of the blue. I wrote a long message to her friend (which I have a crush on since we were kids. She was also a common friend as she lives in the same neighborhood since my childhood days. My ex always get jealous with this friend of her whenever we get close or something). The message was definitely something I would not like my ex to hear. I wrote stupid lies as if the other girl was really the one I like to be with and the one I really loved. That it was supposed to be her. I know at that moment that if my ex read this, it will be the end of everything. During those time I was courageous and decided. But when I hit the send button, I immediately regret it. But it was too late. Her friend was able to read it but she gave me a chance. She said she will never tell this to my ex at all. I got really tired. I was insecure about myself which I think why I did this.

This was about 3 months before I proposed to my girlfriend. I was really sure at that point that she is the one for me. So I surprised her and she said yes. It was the most happiest moment in my life. She cried and I know she was so happy as well. We were doing fine and is already starting to prepare for our wedding next year until something happened.

The three of us are involved in a christian church. They are very devoted and I was not. I did some stupid thing in the church which got me expelled. My ex was willing to get expelled as well but her family and friends who are very faithful and devoted to this church does not want this to happen. And so her friend showed her the letter. And that was it. She ended it and I am now a complete stranger.

I even bought a house for us last year. But now seems like all the love, all my investment and future that I'm looking forward to with her are all gone. I really love her and I'm having a hard time forgiving my self because of this mistake. Everyday I can feel the pain as soon as I wake up and before I go to sleep. It feels like the pain will never end.

I was not perfect throughout our relationship but I did tried my best. I never been in a full blown affair. Even after work, I go home right away. I'm not into clubbing or going out to bars and flirting/meeting with other woman. And she knows that. I never touch another woman than her.

She was actually not perfect as well. She's very friendly and always flirts with other guys. There was this one time when I was still paying her college where she was involved with a guy in school. I saw the pictures, conversations, etc. In the end we got it fixed and sorted out but I was the one begging and was the one asking her to have it ended.

For the last 2 to 3 years though I was not treating her really well consistently. There are days where I was really distant to her. I was not sweet and clingy like she wants me to be. We always get into a fight with a lot of shouting and cursing. I got really fed up juggling work and all my responsibilities. I took her for granted as I was the one providing everything. Basically when it comes to emotional things, I was really lacking it for the last 2 to 3 years.

It was on and off though. There are days where we are really doing good and having fun. We shared a lot of common interest. We traveled a lot. We still go out and dine every weekend or so. But again it was already on and off for the last couple of years. It was not consistent.

And so now, she has a long list of all the bad things I did in the relationship. She said she forgive me already but she can't trust and accept me again anymore.

All I was asking is for her to try and understand why I became like this and to try to work things out. Honestly, it was a big blow and really an eye opener for me. I really really want to make things right with her but she wouldn't let me anymore. I know deep inside that I won't do the same mistakes again as I really love her but she won't trust me anymore. And now she is already with a new guy.

I admit I hurt her so bad and all of these are the results of my actions. She was very sweet and loving. I know we will really end up getting married if this did not happen.

On the other hand, I'm also happy that this happened. Because if not, I may not see all these mistakes and the bad things I'm doing and we will get married and have kids. I won't see her true value and the love I have for her if this didn't happen. This is a good thing in case we get a chance to get back together cause I can assure myself and I can assure her that I will treat her right and won't do the same mistakes again for the rest of our lives.

It's a shame that it looks like it is too late now.
I'm really not sure what to do. If I should still hope or just move on completely. I'm so depressed and my work is being affected. I tried to became strong and be positive but everytime I learn something about her (that she has moved on, now she's with another guy, etc.) , it just blows me down again and again.

I still want her to be my wife but seeing her so happy now with the other guy was just too much for me to bear. I think this is hopeless.

Use what you wrote as a way to continue to self-improve. Do not have thoughts of "in case we get back together". Sorry, but your relationship is dead. The chances of her coming back are basically none.

What you did by writing that love letter was nuclear. You obliterated every ounce of trust she had in you... and quite honestly, I don't know of many women that would even entertain trying to work it out after someone pointed affection at one of their friends.

Understand what you did, figure out why you did it, learn from it, and move forward in your life.

Sorry man, but I think you blew it up beyond repair.

October 20, 2015

Thanks frigginlost & ExpatInItaly!

I can also feel it is hopeless now. I'm still feeling all the guilt, depression and anxiety. There's no one to blame but me. Since last year I was already living in the house that I bought for us. We made some good memories already and we are planning a lot of things for our future. It's hard to go home everyday seeing all the things we bought, how we decorated the house and those memories comes creeping. We really had a good connection and shared a lot of interest. I'm not sure how long I will take to get over this. Those 9 years was truly something I will never forget and for sure it will always come crawling.

When we actually talked couple of times during our break-up, she gave mixed signals. At some point she was saying we can try it again down the road, a few years from now. She told me to fix myself first and see how it goes after a few years. She then also told me she doesn't want to give me false hope and that I should start moving on. And so I learned lately that she is already with a new guy. But then I also learned that if it's not because of the guy which she met on her new work right after our break-up, she could not have endured me and she may have given me another chance.

So this mix messages, the connection we had, the experience we had is still giving me some dash of hope. I know it's something that will just kill me inside if I keep on holding on. I guess the best thing to really do now is to just completely move on and forget about the chance of being together again. And then once I'm feeling better, maybe down the road as she mentioned, we can give it a try again. At least at that point my feelings are settled (I hope) and won't be devastated if it won't work out.

Just cant believe I did this and everything just went down and crashed all over my face. It sucks. And the fact that she moved on so fast in less than 2 months and jumped into something new and now me being like a total stranger. Like everything we had was lost in a black hole or something. Like I didn't matter and like what we had didn't matter at all. It's really hard to accept. Everything is affecting me including my work. This will be my biggest regret in life for sure. I lost the love of my life. I'm not sure I can forgive myself for what I did.

Edited October 20, 2015 by ShadowsAndRegrets
additional note

October 20, 2015

Honestly, you guys were High School sweethearts.

There is a such HUGE change in who you are as kids to who you become in your late 20s that many, many relationships never survive that transition from that era into full adulthood.

Read this article that I cite often. It basically describes how the frontal cortex of your brainstem is not fully attached until your late 20s. It is that area of the brain that enables you to make insightful and informed decisions.

For many of us that are now beyond those years, we can attest that we change dramatically from our early 20s to our late 20s and it also explains the classic "Seven Year Itch" of people who marry in their early 20s and suddenly want out of their marriage/relationship by their 30s.

If you stick around this site and read a lot of the threads regarding people ending their relationships, the major number of them are in this age group and I don't think that is a reflection on your generation, it is simply biological.

You will survive and be able to move on and love again. Trust me...

October 20, 2015

Its rather unusual that after a 9 year relationship with you she moved on to a new guy almost immediately and is happy and settled in as if you never even happened.

All that fighting, she cheated on you, you were in love with someone else right up until the time you proposed to her.. the whole thing was a mess, it would have ultimately failed anyway.

What can a person do to get expelled from a church?

Sounds like you've got some anger issues.

October 22, 2015

@Boltam,

And that is what I'm having a hard time to accept. Like 9 years and then in less than 2 months, she is totally happy with someone else like I didn't even exist.

I get and I understand that what I did is totally unacceptable and I understand if she won't even forgive me. I know that accepting me and giving it another chance may totally be impossible because of what I did.

But even if I put myself and really imagine myself in her shoes, I don't think I can easily get in to a new relationship that FAST and as if I never matter. It's not like our relationship was so bad that it was just full of fighting and everything. It is not consistent, we do fight but it's not like physical or anything like that. I mean, we won't be together for this long if it was really toxic and bad. It only looks really bad now cause she came up with like a list of everything I did wrong. Actually a lot of people was shock that we split up and everyone was envy on how everything is going well between us since the beginning. Honestly, the connection and that memories we shared was really really great for me to easily get in to another relationship straight away.

If we are just thinking of all the good stuff we've been through, I would say it was really really great.

The thing is I'm her first BF as well. And she's 24 at the moment. So I'm not sure if it's the combination of me really hurting her for what I did + some GIGS that cause her to get into something new really fast. Or what she is having now is just a total rebound.

I really don't expect her to give me another chance but I'm just really trying my hard right now to forgive myself and to accept how she moved on this fast. Or maybe she's just hiding her emotion somehow. She's a strong woman and maybe she's just really hiding it right now.

October 22, 2015

And you hit it right as well. I really feel that I do have some anger management issue. Whenever I get angry, I'm not able to easily calm myself and to control my emotion. I usually really get so angry that sometimes I shout and curse everyone including her.

This is definitely something I really need to work on and maybe go on some therapy.

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9 years of relationship with my Fiance has ended. I got dumped. My mistakes.

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