Krieger Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I have issues being vulnerable with people overall. I dont trust easy butgive benifet of the dought to people. I'm a private person but not a quiet person. I am loud and talk all the time but I never share personal . Also have a hard time sharing my emotions with people. I tell every one thing is fine but deep down am sad , depressed and mad at myself for things I have do wrong . However I do open up some but it takes tome to get to know you I got to feel you out to see if i can trust you. When it comes to woman i am scared to be emotionally vulnerable with woman . A guy can be seen as weak if he shows too much emotion and if shows none he seen as a heart less SOB even cold. People say I come off as aloof but once i open up I am not a cold person. I have no idea why my guard is always up at first. How can i be more vulnerable but not over do it?
todreaminblue Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 you have to start somewhere...doesnt have to be huge...just honesty....with what you are feeling or thinking......allow yourself to say something even though you feel vulnerable.....and it does feel alien ...but it gets easier the more you do it...i think trust is huge with vulnerability when you trust someone its easier to be open with them...trust and knowing someone enough to trust them ...just takes time........deb
thecrucible Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I'm the girl version of you. I'm working on being vulnerable with friends and non-romantic situations first. I think it's good to be vulnerable when it feels right, but the other person should attempt to help you feel comfortable too. 4
menyou Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Sucks not being able to trust people, doesn't it. Sighhhh.... If you're into someone don't have walls up. Just proceed however you feel comfortable. You will either find someone worthy of you being yourself or you'll find out sooner they don't deserve your time.
Author Krieger Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Sucks not being able to trust people, doesn't it. Sighhhh.... If you're into someone don't have walls up. Just proceed however you feel comfortable. You will either find someone worthy of you being yourself or you'll find out sooner they don't deserve your time. It is not that easy when you do not feel comfortable in your own skin some times. I some times have a hard telling if people are being nice to me or are people just feeling sorry for me. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 It's biological so try not to be so hard on yourself. Start from that place. That it's not easy isn't because of something inherent in your personality or a defect. It's biological and you can't help it to an extent. Then you will be in a better mindset to really make some positive steps.
Maggie4 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I don't think you should be vulnerable to people in general. But you should try to be open and straightforward. Imo, vulnerability should be reserved for those very close to you. And then the vulnerabillity goes quite deep.
bluefeather Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Some of it might be biological. After that, I believe a lot of it has to do with our individual experiences in relationships through life, romantic and platonic, that make us more closed or open. And after that, it is affected by one's personal philosophy - how you view life. For me, I see it as a dichotomy. Be so tough that you would be ok getting your ass kicked. Be so strong, that you can open your shirt and say, "Give me your best shot." To be so vulnerable, knowing there is a chance that my partner could harm me, is a combination of romanticism and eroticism that I enjoy. Like that saying goes, "Dance like no one's watching. Love like you've never been hurt." I try to be like that. Not to say it always works. Sometimes I am afraid. But still, I try... Even after being hurt. 1
kilgore Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 When you find someone you feel at ease with it will feel natural to be more open 2
BeholdtheMan Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Once you have demonstrated an abundance of strength, you may spice it up by showing a shade of vulnerability
seekingluck Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I'm the girl version of you. I'm working on being vulnerable with friends and non-romantic situations first. I think it's good to be vulnerable when it feels right, but the other person should attempt to help you feel comfortable too. You beat me! I was going to say the same thing. I have a low attachment personality.
ManyDissapoint Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Do not be vulnerable to a woman. That's not what they want, and they can use it against you.
risjurad Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 It is not that easy when you do not feel comfortable in your own skin some times. I some times have a hard telling if people are being nice to me or are people just feeling sorry for me. This ^^ Sometimes, it's hard to tell when something's TMI or not.
Author Krieger Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Do not be vulnerable to a woman. That's not what they want, and they can use it against you. Well good luck with that you never get a GF by doing that. As a man you have to let them in at some point . 1
Siquijor Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Do not be vulnerable to a woman. That's not what they want, and they can use it against you. Very true although TBF it depends on the woman. The secret is being vulnerable to the right one and that takes time and a fair amount of trust. Sometimes opening up to a woman will make her do the same. 1
lino Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Preferably... Never. That's very hard to master though. I'd say it almost needs to come naturally.
Grumpybutfun Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 The truth is that the world isn't welcoming to male vulnerability. One of the main perks of being married and having your lover as your best friend is that she is a soft place to be exactly who you are. I am never vulnerable except with her, not sure if it is a trust issue or if I just don't like many people enough to share. I have three male best friends who have been in my life since we were children, and we all talk about being vulnerable with each other but never really are. I'm kind, compassionate and caring, but it is contrary to our natures. We regret that since we are all so close, but when you have beat the crap out of each other, teased each other unmercifully since grade school and been competitive with each other for years, it is hard to let go of that masculine energy, I suppose. I truly wish we were more evolved, but we aren't. Best, Grumps
shet Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I experienced a true renaissance in my relationships with women a few years back when I learned to be vulnerable and engage. I have more female than male friends now and I like it that way. However, in a romantic context, there is a definite limit to how much vulnerability women want to see in a man they like. The same patriarchal gender role bullshiet that's been forced on us, was forced on them, so they have expectations. I have seen dates fall through my fingers in front of my very eyes when I share my emotional state and life circumstance more than the context of a date supports, as opposed to a friend. I've also had stories told to me of the ladyboner-killing vulnerability women I know have observed in their dates. By being too willing to share and communicate I think you can move yourself from "date" into "friend" purely by falling foul of womens own gender biases. Straddling the line of "refreshingly, lovably open" and "creepy needy oversharing" is perhaps hard enough even without the differing standards of individual women. Best just be a loud bull**** artist like the rest.
BlueIris Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) When you find someone you feel at ease with it will feel natural to be more open I agree. Kinda. Fine, that's a lie. I actually just wanted to respond to you so I can also say... damn it kilgore! enough with the guys in bikinis already!!! :laugh: I don't even want to know what you're googling in the wee hours of the night! Yer freakin me out, just freakin me out.... men in bikinis... men in bikinis... (you're terrific but you're getting in my head with all those bikini men... ) Edited October 20, 2015 by BlueIris
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I have issues being vulnerable with people overall. I dont trust easy butgive benifet of the dought to people. I'm a private person but not a quiet person. I am loud and talk all the time but I never share personal . Also have a hard time sharing my emotions with people. I tell every one thing is fine but deep down am sad , depressed and mad at myself for things I have do wrong . However I do open up some but it takes tome to get to know you I got to feel you out to see if i can trust you. When it comes to woman i am scared to be emotionally vulnerable with woman . A guy can be seen as weak if he shows too much emotion and if shows none he seen as a heart less SOB even cold. People say I come off as aloof but once i open up I am not a cold person. I have no idea why my guard is always up at first. How can i be more vulnerable but not over do it? You don't become vulnerable to a person until they have earned your trust PERIOD. It isn't something you turn on or off. When you've developed enough trust in the woman and you feel comfortable enough to do it. And, you start with some "little" things to share with them and see how they treat the information and whether they then tell you something they don't tell everyone in response. Give and take should happen. Don't start with your deepest, darkest secrets/desires etc. It's a process, not an event. 1
Author Krieger Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 You don't become vulnerable to a person until they have earned your trust PERIOD. It isn't something you turn on or off. When you've developed enough trust in the woman and you feel comfortable enough to do it. And, you start with some "little" things to share with them and see how they treat the information and whether they then tell you something they don't tell everyone in response. Give and take should happen. Don't start with your deepest, darkest secrets/desires etc. It's a process, not an event. Well I all ready know that but I have a sensitve side deep down that i hide.
carhill Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Misty-eyed at the funeral of a loved one is OK.
GorillaTheater Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Misty-eyed at the funeral of a loved one is OK. Or when Jim Brown gets killed at the end of The Dirty Dozen. Ander used to be my go-to emotion. I was raised to believe that was the only emotion that was safe for men to display. When my wife told me how much my anger hurt her, my go-to became humor. That's certainly less stressful for the people around me, but it's often times less than reflective of how I really feel about things. 1
Author Krieger Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) Misty-eyed at the funeral of a loved one is OK. Well I am working on getting into nurses school at a 4 year university. I am very open to working in a childrens hospital some thing like oncology or psychiatry or the ICU . That being said there is going to be a time i might cry but it will be when i am alone never in front of anyone. I would take a 5 min time out let it out and get back out there . I know when to be strong and when it is ok to be weak. Than i would get back to work because i have other people that i need to check on. I am not sorry but if i work in onxology kids with cancer and i been that childs nurse for a long period of time and the child does not make it and the parents say there final good byes I am going to cry . If that makes me less of a man so be it. Also if the girl i am dating cant be understanding of that than I need to find another GF. Edited October 20, 2015 by Krieger
thecrucible Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I experienced a true renaissance in my relationships with women a few years back when I learned to be vulnerable and engage. I have more female than male friends now and I like it that way. However, in a romantic context, there is a definite limit to how much vulnerability women want to see in a man they like. The same patriarchal gender role bullshiet that's been forced on us, was forced on them, so they have expectations. I have seen dates fall through my fingers in front of my very eyes when I share my emotional state and life circumstance more than the context of a date supports, as opposed to a friend. I've also had stories told to me of the ladyboner-killing vulnerability women I know have observed in their dates. By being too willing to share and communicate I think you can move yourself from "date" into "friend" purely by falling foul of womens own gender biases. Straddling the line of "refreshingly, lovably open" and "creepy needy oversharing" is perhaps hard enough even without the differing standards of individual women. Best just be a loud bull**** artist like the rest. This is on the money. I don't think there is anything wrong with male vulnerability but there is a definite limit so I don't want to end up being the rock or mothering the guy. I like my man to be my rock but I also want to be there for him in tough times and inspire him. I don't think there is anything wrong with a man crying so please forgive me for saying this. I find it weird seeing a guy cry. A guy dumped me a couple of years ago and even though I was upset too, I was the one comforting him. I'm not used to seeing men in my life cry. I have never seen my dad cry in my entire life and the last time I saw my brother cry was when we were young children. I'm warming to more sensitive guys now than I used to before. I feel this is genuine caring. There's a guy I really like but I keep my distance and we don't talk at all as he's not available. However meeting him, I realised I could find the sensitive type appealing - he just covers up his sensitivity with sarcasm. I think that is cool 'cause you can see a peak of vulnerability you can unravel but it's not all out there. There's a bit of mystery but there's enough there to find it really attractive and intriguing. I think a bit of sensitivity in a man can show a lot of emotional depth and inner strength in a way. It's better to let some emotion out than pretend you don't feel anything just to be a man. I've learnt now that slight sensitivity is good in a guy and doesn't necessarily mean he's a big girl's blouse. The archetypal "tough guy" isn't actually that great to relate to in a relationship in my experience.
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