bulldog9 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 (edited) I have been dating this guy about a month. We click on every level, enjoy the same things, have a ridiculous physical connection. We see each other a few times a week and things have been great, he has been a lot more consistent then most guys I have dated in recent years in terms of texting, making plans. Treats me really well. When we are together he can't keep his hands off of me and is super affectionate all of the time. Biggest spark I ever had with anyone from a first kiss. We didn't have sex until about the 6th date. He has told me a lot of his sexual history that worried me a little (he is straight, but was into swinging, and has also been with men, but this was all a long time ago and said it's not something he's into now), but I liked him enough that I didnt lose interest. We just spent most of the weekend together, things were going great, and then out of nowhere while we are cuddling he says he doesn't know if we should see each other anymore because our lifestyles are so different (i.e he'll drink a lot and I won't have more than 2 drinks, I didn't want to drink last night because I had work early today, etc...). I am 38 and he is 41, this seems incredibly childish to end things because I am not a big drinker. And then after we talked about it, we were still cuddling and I asked if he wanted me to leave and he said no. And we ended up having sex again. I was so upset about the conversation I didn't want to stay over and left. I don't know what to do, I genuinely like this guy and see something there, and he sure made it seem like he did (I've been pretty laid back and let him do most of the pursuing, in terms of texting, dates, everything). He's known all along I am responsible about work, and I'm not a heavy drinker, so why did he wait until now and keep misleading me? He wasn't getting sex out of it til very recently, and when I brought up his past and said I was ok with it, why is he not ok with my not wanting to drink a lot (I still go out but just drink slowly, and don't have too many drinks), he said it makes us different. I am crushed right now, what do I say to him?? This just seems so dumb and in the back of my mind I wonder if it's not really about that, but more about his sexual lifestyle. Edited October 19, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
kendahke Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 he says he doesn't know if we should see each other anymore because our lifestyles are so different (i.e he'll drink a lot and I won't have more than 2 drinks, I didn't want to drink last night because I had work early today, etc...). I am 38 and he is 41, this seems incredibly childish to end things because I am not a big drinker. And then after we talked about it, we were still cuddling and I asked if he wanted me to leave and he said no. And we ended up having sex again. I was so upset about the conversation I didn't want to stay over and left. I don't know what to do, I genuinely like this guy and see something there, and he sure made it seem like he did (I've been pretty laid back and let him do most of the pursuing, in terms of texting, dates, everything). He's known all along I am responsible about work, and I'm not a heavy drinker, so why did he wait until now and keep misleading me? He may not have believed that you were a teetotaler until he'd spent time with you and observed you, and that takes time. He wasn't getting sex out of it til very recently, and when I brought up his past and said I was ok with it, why is he not ok with my not wanting to drink a lot (I still go out but just drink slowly, and don't have too many drinks), he said it makes us different. He's right. I am crushed right now, what do I say to him?? This just seems so dumb and in the back of my mind I wonder if it's not really about that, but more about his sexual lifestyle. I don't think so. It's because he drinks. If you don't drink like he does, then that is a point of contention that can't be overlooked. Trust me on this. He may be a great guy in other areas, but he is a guy who likes to drink to excess and you don't want a life with someone like that if you're not like that. It may really bother you to come home from a hard day at work to find he hasn't left the living room couch because he spent the day drinking and he doesn't want to deal with someone who won't let him have his liquor--or who he feels with be constantly judging him. Sure, he needs to get a handle on his drinking, but until he makes it to that point by himself, no one, not even you, is going to get him there. He's really done you a huge favor--he's pushing you out of the way of the bullet. 9
StBreton Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 (edited) When people tell you something about themselves ...believe it. This guy is 41. He's a heavy drinker. He wants someone who'll partake with him. He doesn't see you as a viable option no matter the chemistry. He knows how it rolls being with someone who is not a big drinker and it will cause he and you problems down the road. It sounds like your be better off without a grown up college party type guy. Now why did you do the sexy time with him after he effectively broke it off with you? You're making it harder on yourself. Edited October 19, 2015 by StBreton 8
Guyouthere Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 You have heard it said many times…… ANYONE who drinks a lot, woman or guy, IS bad news and it WILL destroy a relationship. This is a must in any woman I want,,,, that she drink (at the most), just occasionally, and not make a habit of it. I don't drink much at all, maybe only 1-2 drinks per year, and only on a special occasion with my lady, if appropriate. Alcohol (and/or drugs) are equally bad news. 1
kpl Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I think sometimes we need to stop worrying about why someone is walking away and just on the fact they are walking away. The minute he wanted out should have been a turn off to you. 10
Jejangles Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I think sometimes we need to stop worrying about why someone is walking away and just on the fact they are walking away. The minute he wanted out should have been a turn off to you. Yes, this, a thousand times this! It's so easy to get caught up in why someone doesn't want us and analyse it to death. But the only information that is really relevant here is he sees a mismatch and wants out. Why do you want to even consider convincing someone who wants to go to stay? 4
Odinani Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 anyone who thinks you're 'not drinking enough' by having 2 or so drinks sounds borderline alcoholic 4
Author bulldog9 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 Thanks everyone for the insight. I agree with everything that was said for the most part, and I usually would just try to walk away and move on, but I really like this guy more than I have liked anyone in so long and everything else is there---it's just this one issue and it seems somewhat superficial. And the way I left his place made it more awkward, and I don't know what is going on now, if he's going to contact me, if I should contact him. I am so upset and just want to talk to him about it, but don't want to say 'can we talk', obviously that will send him running. Any suggestions (besides forget about him)? When he brought this up he was still saying that he really likes me and loves being with me and everything was perfect! So, it's bugging me to no end why having 2 drinks instead of 4 is reason to break up. Just to clarify, he's not out partying all the time, not much actually, if he happens to be out he has a few drinks, and I have fewer. If I am able to get past his previous doings, why can't he be ok with me not drinking as much as him.
JasmineJones Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Kendahke is right. You are lucky to be able to get rid of this person
BikerAccnt Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Try to consider yourself lucky. Honestly, if he was concerned you weren't drinking enough, and he was already way ahead of you, chances are, he was already moderating his intake when he was with you. What he probably was worried about, more than you not keeping up with him, is that you'd eventually disapprove of the amount he was drinking. And, from the sounds of it, you probably would have. As a reformed drinker myself..nothing in nearly 3 years, I hear a lot of my former self in that brief description of him you gave. I'm sorry it's not going to work out as you hoped, but it may be for the best. 4
Jejangles Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Thanks everyone for the insight. I agree with everything that was said for the most part, and I usually would just try to walk away and move on, but I really like this guy more than I have liked anyone in so long and everything else is there---it's just this one issue and it seems somewhat superficial. And the way I left his place made it more awkward, and I don't know what is going on now, if he's going to contact me, if I should contact him. I am so upset and just want to talk to him about it, but don't want to say 'can we talk', obviously that will send him running. Any suggestions (besides forget about him)? When he brought this up he was still saying that he really likes me and loves being with me and everything was perfect! So, it's bugging me to no end why having 2 drinks instead of 4 is reason to break up. Just to clarify, he's not out partying all the time, not much actually, if he happens to be out he has a few drinks, and I have fewer. If I am able to get past his previous doings, why can't he be ok with me not drinking as much as him. The thing you need to remember is you can't make his decisions for him. So while you may be ok with your different drinking habits (for now), he has concerns. So I think all you can do is talk to him if he's available or text / email and just say that you really like him and you do not see a problem. Make sure he is clear that you are fine with the amount he drinks, and do not want to stop dating because of it. Just be prepared that he will likely still want to end it, because once you have spotted a major difference like that, it's hard to forget it. Earlier this year I realised a guy I was dating and I had very different religious views. I saw that as a dealbreaker, he thought we should keep dating and it would be fine, we would just work though it together. Ultimately we stopped dating because while he thought it would be ok, I just didn't see how it would work, and he couldn't convince me otherwise. I'm guessing your guy will have a similar response, but you seem to feel it's worth a shot, so go for it. Just be prepared to walk away once you have made your position clear, don't keep trying to convince him.
pteromom Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 You may be attracted to him, and like him, but that doesn't give you all the ingredients for a happy relationship. You are willing to overlook your own values, and ignore the swinging and excessive drinking just because you like him? Don't contact him - this is going nowhere. Find someone who shares your values. 5
Vintage79 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 He's being honest with you, not leading you on, and truthfully, you claim to click on every level, but there's at least one where you don't. Different people have different deal breakers, but I think for almost everyone, if the other person can't/won't participate in an aspect of their life that they enjoy, it's getting close to a deal breaker. Now regardless of whether or not I endorse heavy drinking isn't the issue here - it's just he's looking for someone with particular attributes, and you don't have some of those attributes - once he figured this out, he talked to you about it. Drinking aside, he sounds like he's trying to treat you well, and let you know it's not going to work out earlier as opposed to later...you can't give him much flack about that. He's 41 and not going to change much...trust him, and don't get upset with him for knowing who he is and what he wants... 1
kismetkismet Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 My guess is that he sensed an overall lifestyle difference. It probably wasn't solely about the drinking, but more about how you live your life in general. He sounds like someone that likes to live his life a bit on the edge. I don't think that's a bad thing at all, but being different in that respect can definitely create conflict in a relationship. 1
joseb Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I personally find it a very odd reason to split up with someone. I enjoy going out drinking myself, but would never consider a girls reluctance to drink quickly a problem. And in any case, if I want to go for a few drinks it's more likely to be with my mates. I prefer a glass of wine over a meal when with a girl. Personally I'd be a lot more worried about his swinging. And I don't know many "straight" guys who have been with men. But hey, whatever he's into I guess. Long story short, whatever his excuses, I agree with most posters. If he's trying to dump you it doesn't much matter the reason. Time for you to move on. 3
thecrucible Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 If he wants to walk away, just let him. That's always best in my experience. Funny how some people judge on the silliest things. Like joseb said above, you shouldn't need to drink a lot when together as a couple anyway. But maybe he was in a relationship before when different lifestyles became a point of contention?
Author bulldog9 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 I personally find it a very odd reason to split up with someone. I enjoy going out drinking myself, but would never consider a girls reluctance to drink quickly a problem. And in any case, if I want to go for a few drinks it's more likely to be with my mates. I prefer a glass of wine over a meal when with a girl. Personally I'd be a lot more worried about his swinging. And I don't know many "straight" guys who have been with men. But hey, whatever he's into I guess. Long story short, whatever his excuses, I agree with most posters. If he's trying to dump you it doesn't much matter the reason. Time for you to move on. Yeah, I don't know many straight guys either that have been with men and I was totally surprised by this but moved past it because it's in the past and I really like him. That seems like a much bigger deal than my not drinking too much.
Author bulldog9 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 Try to consider yourself lucky. Honestly, if he was concerned you weren't drinking enough, and he was already way ahead of you, chances are, he was already moderating his intake when he was with you. What he probably was worried about, more than you not keeping up with him, is that you'd eventually disapprove of the amount he was drinking. And, from the sounds of it, you probably would have. As a reformed drinker myself..nothing in nearly 3 years, I hear a lot of my former self in that brief description of him you gave. I'm sorry it's not going to work out as you hoped, but it may be for the best. I don't have a problem with his drinking, he doesn't have a drinking problem (I went out with someone for a while that did, this is nothing close to it). I have never said anything to him about nor would I. I enjoy going out or staying in and having drinks, I don't care how much he has, so if he is concerned I would say something, I want him to know it's not an issue.
Author bulldog9 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 If he wants to walk away, just let him. That's always best in my experience. Funny how some people judge on the silliest things. Like joseb said above, you shouldn't need to drink a lot when together as a couple anyway. But maybe he was in a relationship before when different lifestyles became a point of contention? I know in my brain I should, but in my heart I know I don't want to and I suspect he will come running back anyways. And as far as values and what we want and everything that is of actual importance, we have same or similar viewpoints. This is truly the silliest reason I ever heard for throwing away an otherwise awesome connection.
Author bulldog9 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 He's being honest with you, not leading you on, and truthfully, you claim to click on every level, but there's at least one where you don't. Different people have different deal breakers, but I think for almost everyone, if the other person can't/won't participate in an aspect of their life that they enjoy, it's getting close to a deal breaker. Now regardless of whether or not I endorse heavy drinking isn't the issue here - it's just he's looking for someone with particular attributes, and you don't have some of those attributes - once he figured this out, he talked to you about it. Drinking aside, he sounds like he's trying to treat you well, and let you know it's not going to work out earlier as opposed to later...you can't give him much flack about that. He's 41 and not going to change much...trust him, and don't get upset with him for knowing who he is and what he wants... I do participate, it's not like I don't drink. Yes, I do like that he is being honest with me and has been about everything (obviously;) That's been one of the attributes I have appreciated most. He has treated me well, and this is why I am completely blindsided by this. He couldn't have made seem any more like he was crazy about me. But timing wise, he knew I wasn't a big drinker at the beginning, so I really wish he would have ended it sooner (like before we had sex). But what made this so difficult was when and how he brought it up.
savvy2008 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 My boyfriend drinks a lot when we go out to events. We went to a wedding a couple weeks ago and he had 6 or 7 beers and a bit of liquor while I had these 2 little bud light margarita things and a sip or liquor. I genuinely enjoy having about 2 drinks and being done...he likes keeping a consistent buzz throughout the night. He is by no means an alcoholic but enjoys drinking. It seems like there is something more to his reason for not being compatible. If you want closure you should ask him about it. Call him or go over to his place, whatever you feel is more appropriate.
MissBee Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I think sometimes we need to stop worrying about why someone is walking away and just on the fact they are walking away. The minute he wanted out should have been a turn off to you. I have to agree. I understand that it's easy to get caught up in trying to figure out what it's reallyabout, but the bottom line for me is that if I'm with a man, who for whatever reason has been thinking (and thus verbalized) that he felt we were probably too different/weren't a good match/he found something about my lifestyle too big a turn off etc, then that's all I need to know. Pay attention to this and believe him, as it will likely become more and more of a problem. People don't say stuff like this unless it is something that's on their mind that bothers them. It may really be that drinking is that important to him OR he may be using that as an excuse (some men who have commitment issues for example will often find some small insignificant thing to start a dispute over in order to end things). However, it's not really important that you know what it's "really" about but that he has doubts about your relationship....have a talk with him about his doubts further and where he sees things going in light of it so that you can make an exit early if you need to before you get more involved. 2
Vintage79 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Yeah, I don't know many straight guys either that have been with men and I was totally surprised by this but moved past it because it's in the past and I really like him. That seems like a much bigger deal than my not drinking too much. Hmmm - so something that someone did that didn't hurt anyone 20 years ago is worse than a current, non-compatible personality attribute when trying to find someone you're compatible with? Whatever you need to justify being rejected I guess... 1
Terry8889 Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 Listen lady! I think you are not understanding the message here. he DOESN'T want you around anymore. It doesnt matter how much you like him or how much chemistry you thought you had. That is your side NOT HIS. He clearly doesnt feel the same way you do. Doesnt matter what he told you in the past, this is the present, he told right in your face he doesnt want to continue in the relationship. Dont you get it? It's OVER!! He doesnt want you in his life anymore, the reason at this point dont matter. The fact is he DUMPED you! Dont even bother contacting him again, for what? he already put his cards on the table. You will only irritate him, because you don't respect his decision. Now the only option you have is to MOVE ON!! 1
mbee Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I agree with everyone else. It is time to move on. Be grateful it was 6 dates and not 6 months. I know its hard when you've had sex and feel a connection but he's just not right for you. I had a similar thing happen to me earlier this year. However, we didn't have sex and it was after 4 dates. The guy had a pretty wild past, but told me he was over it. He was also surprised that I got pretty tipsy after 2 glasses of wine. After 4 dates, all that went great, he sent me a text saying he didn't think it would work out because of our differences. Yeah it hurt and I cried about it for a couple of weeks, but looking back, he did me a massive favor. When you like someone, you say your okay with things, but in reality I wasn't. My suggestion would be that you give yourself some space from him and really process what happened. Once you give yourself time to think, you'll start to realize that it's time to move on. 1
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