Sara109 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I met this guy about 5 years ago we both were 22 at the time, he was also my boss at the time. It was just a part time job I had while going to university. After I quit we become closer. We started sleeping with each other and spending a lot of time together. We even went on two vacation trips together. He introduced me to his friend and family. He talked a lot about us having a future together such getting married. this went on for 2 after the two years I was getting a little annoyed that he hadn't asked me to be his girlfriend. So I decided to ask him. Which I now regret, because I feel like if he wanted me he would have made the move. It was just so confusing we acted like we were a couple but weren't official. We have been together for two months officially relationship. I feel like I ruined everything, because now I don't know if he wanted me. We are going to be going on our third trip soon (December). I don't know if I am over thinking this, but I hate myself for what I did. I know it only been two months since we bacame official, but I feel like nothing changed. I am not sure should things change? I have been a little distant myself lately. He is a very nice guy, very mature for his age. I like him very much, although we have never said I love you to each other. Should I give it some time or just end things after the trip? Did I ruin things? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks Sara
Guyouthere Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Seems very strange to go through all of that and yet "nothing:" to show for it. As a guy, I can tell, you, if he wanted you as you think, he would have most certainly did more than he has. You are in a dream world with this one…. I wouldn't go on the trip, and I say so because you will only be feeling more pain in the end. Thats just a long time to have nothing serious. But then again, maybe the both of you wanted it that way for so long too. Because you are pulling away, it is likely your subconscious telling you to do so. It is what i did with my last lady. Mine is a complicated story, but it follows yours in some ways.
menyou Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I'm not sure how after two years you aren't comfortable talking straight to this guy about your relationship. 1
Lansing Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Personally, as a guy, I let the girl bring up the "relationship" / "what are we" talk. I treat her well and behave like she is my GF but I don't call her my gf until she brings it up.
scooby-philly Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I agree with some of what the previous posters have said. OP, keep this in mind: We all come at things with our own agendas and see things through our own viewpoints. With that said, 1. There's nothing wrong with the girl bringing it up. I've learned that I attract some women who think they want my stability but I want someone who wants me, not someone who thinks they want what I offer. Fine line - but how it plays out is huge. He may see you just as you want him to, but he never thought he had to ask. Or, he's not used to being in a relationship. Sounds like you're both still fairly young. 2. As for what should/could/might change - what do you expect? Seriously - the title of BF/GF does nothing to change reality - it should only affirm what is there already. If you have specific expectations they need to be brought up to him as someone said. There's not switch inthe back of his mind saying...oh i need to communicate more, or oh...i need to be on time more or treat her better, or x,y,z. 3. If you're having regrets you need to come clean to someone who knows you very well and you can trust to keep quiet but also offer unbiased advice. Lingering thoughts like that need to be aired out to someone or you will set yourself up for failure. If he treats you decently that's the least you owe him (with that magical GF title now...lol) 4. I love you. That's a weird one for me. In both of my long term relationships I said it about 3-4 months in. I've learned now to filter out people better and spot the signs that will lead to failure early on but....i would still say I love you by at least 6 months in. If I don't feel that way then I wouldn't stick around. Again, everyone is different. A good thing to try and go is observe his family. My family is loving, so for me hugging, affection, etc is normal. What you'd observe if you were dating me is that unlike my parents or my older brothers, I learned how to communicate effectively, come at things as partners, and deal with things like adults. He may be subconsciously re-doing what he saw at home so if you want certain things to be different, he may just need some simple help.
kismetkismet Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I definitely don't think there's anything wrong with the girl bringing up the relationship talk. But i find it quite strange that it didn't happen for two years, but you were essentially acting like you were in a couple. Were either of you seeing other people? How did he react when you asked if you were a couple? how often do you see each other?
Vintage79 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Yeah - what was his reaction like when you asking him about being a couple? I've dated people for several years on a few occasions - there's no need to have the talk most of the time - the talk is just kind of lame banter on the internet...it's not that important - actions speak louder than words. If I had asked any of those people about being exclusive/couple/whatever, they would have thought it a bit odd, as it had been assumed by both parties for a long time - it would have probably been brushed off. The issue about asking at 2 years is it underscores lack of self confidence and confidence in the relationship. Regardless, you're reading way too much into this, and your inability to talk to him about these matters after 2 years is highly suggestive of a dysfunctional relationship. After 2 years, you're not really putting yourself out there too much if you tell him you love him, etc. Just give it a whirl and see how he responds. After 2 seemingly good years, it's much better to just have an open and candid discussion with him, tell him how you feel, etc., than to simply sever all ties without ever asking him/talking to him about it... 1
thecrucible Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Just bite the bullet and ask him. Bring it up in a neutral frame of mind. Sometimes you just have to do that because you are torturing yourself for so long thinking about it over and over again in your head. I know how you feel and I often find it hard to talk about serious stuff in relationships but hey I keep telling myself that this is what I should learn to do.
savvy2008 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 It's been 2 years and you still weren't officially together? I've never dated someone for more than 2 months without becoming exclusively a couple. I think that could be a sign that he wanted to keep you around for fun or companionship but didn't want to commit to you. Are you not comfortable enough to just ask him about it, after 2 years? The not saying I love you thing is kind of weird to me as well. Do you guys not spend much time together? I would think after 2 years you would either love them or not. And you knew him for several years before that. Do you love him? I think you need to talk to him openly about all of this. Both of those things combined, not saying I love you after 2 years and not asking you to be a couple, are both worrisome.
Vintage79 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 It's been 2 years and you still weren't officially together? I've never dated someone for more than 2 months without becoming exclusively a couple. I think that could be a sign that he wanted to keep you around for fun or companionship but didn't want to commit to you. Are you not comfortable enough to just ask him about it, after 2 years? The not saying I love you thing is kind of weird to me as well. Do you guys not spend much time together? I would think after 2 years you would either love them or not. And you knew him for several years before that. Do you love him? I think you need to talk to him openly about all of this. Both of those things combined, not saying I love you after 2 years and not asking you to be a couple, are both worrisome. Why do you say he wasn't committed to her - he behaved in the same way she did...and she makes it sound like they were committed - just because you don't have a specific 30 second conversation doesn't mean that there can't be a commitment...seriously, they're going on their 3rd trip together - this is an issue probably more on her end than his - he was maintaining a healthy status quo that likely makes him happy...there's no reason to change that spontaneously - she nees to talk to him and she's scared to talk to someone she's dates for more than 2 years...she's a dysfunctional dater that needs to learn how to communicate her needs...
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