Broken up, still living together

[TwiztidD]

I come here with a heavy heart, but here is a story.

 

I am 29 years old. I write this to you now, a single man who is stuck living together with the ex girlfriend who decided to end the relationship. We lived together for 2 years being best of friends, until one fateful Christmas Eve night in 2013...where we let temptation in and began dating one another. This lasted almost 2 years. Until one August morning, I was told (In a text, mind you), that...well.....this was "not" working out.

 

I was blindsided, I knew she was going through some things of her own, but never expected her to break things off. Receiving this information via text, was even more crushing. And to top it off, I had just begun my 1 week vacation that I get once a year. (I had planned an entire week to spend with her, being as though we have been both very busy with work). Asking her out to dinner and a movie, I was broken up with.

 

That was in August. Today is....October 19th, 2015. We share a lease (remember, we were FRIENDS before we dated)....and this lease is not up until the end of May. So "leaving" is not a financially sound option (We pay 950 a month in rent, half down the middle). I have no friends or family to live with, so I decided I will stay here and try to accept the fact we are no longer together. Simple, right? Wrong.

 

After a month or so (This is a 3 bedroom house, I just took the master and gave the 2 spare bedrooms for her and her 2 children. She had been divorced a few years before, and has two wonderful kids from her ex-husband), I sat her down and tried to discuss the situation. I felt like I was being cast aside, and me and her had a nice hour and a half talk. I guess you could call it closure (Which is good....). I understand the reasons for her breaking up with me. I am not a very social person (I deal with incredible social anxiety), and after working 9-10 hours a day, I enjoy being a homebody and taking care of things around the house. She works long hours, so I always thought it was a good thing to do...clean the house, do laundry, prepare dinner, etc... But, she is a girl who can't stay home, wants to be out with her friends (which is fine, Ive always trusted her and her ex-husband was very controlling and never allowed her out on her own).

 

She did not want me to judge her "lifestyle", and feels I have been too judgemental on some topics (She brings up something I said 2 years ago, etc, etc). My anxiety really did me in, as I would have panic attacks and sometimes would make going out awkward for her. I do not drink (My parents were alcoholics and I have been traumatized from incidents growing up), so going out with her to the bar and whatnot was never my kind of thing. She was a social drinker, wanted to hang out with her friends and bar-hop and whatnot. No problem, we all have our vices and I liked that she had her own hobbies and activities to do. Just because we lived together, didn't mean we had to be around each other 24/7. But in retrospect, maybe that wasn't a good idea. That gave the "other guy" a chance to move in, while I was not "there".

 

So, thats just keeping things short honestly. I hugged her after our talk, and indeed apologized for making her feel this way. I had no idea I was making things complicated because our communication pretty much went out the window. Had I known, I would have made an effort to meet her in the middle. She was worth me making an effort (I won't say the word CHANGE, because we can't change who we are....but we can make AN EFFORT), and I did indeed tell her these things. I still am in love with her, but I also have to tell myself "Please, let her be happy....even at the expense of your feelings".

 

I realize one can't change the past. I however, have falling into deep depression. How do you move on, when you see the person every SINGLE day? You can't. I can't move out, as living on my own has proved to be too expensive. Craigslist rooms for rent are unappealing (I have a special needs cat with one eye, alot of places do not take cats), and I find myself every day looking for places to live. I can't break my lease, and I won't ask her to move out (The kids needs a home more than I do, and I would never kick people out like that). I try to keep busy, I got more hours at work....but all I find myself doing is talking and thinking of her. She has moved on, and has been involving herself with an ex-boyfriend about 20 years her age (Which is fine, I understand love has no age...)....visiting her Facebook page really set me back. Pictures of her with said guy, BEFORE we had "split" up......really....really hurts. The nights she was "out with girlfriends"....were nights at this guy's house. I deleted my Facebook, and do not bring up any of the information I found (It was public information, I did not log into anybodys account or stole passwords, etc)....

 

Now I find myself pretty down. I treated her as good as ever, loved her kids like my own (Which was a HUGE step for me, dating someone with kids again). But I realize.....she wanted someone else. A more social butterfly I guess. I know by reading all these stories on this website, she is not "coming back". But I do not want to date, as honestly it would just be to "forget" her, and would NOT be fair to a potential girlfriend.

 

How do you manage to move on and get over a relationship with your dumper, if you are in constant view daily? May is nearly 6-7 months away, my feelings for her have not gone away. I cry (Yes, I will admit) frequently and go into attacks due to mental involvement of the situation. She doesn't see this, I do it when I am alone. When I see her, I put on a smile and try to be as cordial as possible. I do not involve myself in her life anymore, out of respect for her breaking up. I feel as low as I have been, I question my self-worth, I wish things would be different.....but I guess "what's done is done". I have told her how I feel, she knows HOW I FEEL about her. I can't fight for someone who won't fight for me. I felt this was all worth it.....but now I understand, she doesn't see the future with me in it. And that hurts. I'd also like to state, we have not had sex or any kind of intimacy since the breakup (I am old school, I don't think you should be messing around if you are not exclusive)

 

I was told pretty much I don't have much going on in life aside from work, sports, video games, ect... I worry about work, my debt, etc. I wish she would have understood I worried about these things because I wanted to make OUR FUTURE financially workable. "Life isn't about work". I get that, I do. I started my own business on the side, because I want to be able to work for MYSELF one day. I enjoy my job, it is my passion. I wanted to be set up financially later down the road, maybe even buy a home for us. But, I understand now....I will be buying a home for ME.

 

I hope any of you going through this type of living situation, can please help me find ways to cope. I do not do drugs, or drink. I work as much as I can, I leave the house when she gets home so we don't need to be near one another all the time. I shut my door in my room, and do not really talk to her. I don't text her (Unless it is an important bill or something relating to the house), I don't call her. I have LET her be. I kill her with KINDNESS, because I have no reason to be hateful towards her...I love her, not hate her. I wish things were different, I've never been in a situation where I live with someone (I lived with 2 girls prior, we were just friends, never went over the boundaries).....it is hard. I care about her so much, which is why I must LEAVE HER ALONE and let her be free. That is the hardest thing about it, but I do know THAT is what I have to do. Even if that means me being depressed for a while. She isn't coming back, let's not pretend this is a Hollywood movie. Love has a way of working out in crazy ways, but I won't sit here and think "WELL IF I GIVE HER SPACE SHE WILL COME BACK".....that is the definition of insanity.

 

Counting down till May....

Twiztid D

Edited October 19, 2015 by TwiztidD

[mombh]

I am so sorry that you are going through this, break ups can be hard, and I can understand it is for you since you live with her.

Don't be hard on yourself, it is a resent event, and of course it hurts, but I think time will help you heal and move on. You can always keep yourself busy, that may help the waiting time to move to a different place, and if the depression continues, you could find a counselor to help you through this. I personally like to go through my hard times with someone I can trust, either a friend or counselor, and they help me see that this too shall pass.

I will be praying for you. I hope you move on fast.

[mightycpa]

This whole "lock yourself away in your room" nonsense sounds completely wrong to me. This might be you anyway, but it seems to me that you need friends, you need to date, you need to throw some parties and you need a life. What you describe does not sound like a life, but I suppose that social anxiety makes that difficult. It sounds like you walking on eggshells to make sure that neither she nor her kids are inconvenienced in any way.

 

You have your own business, but can't afford another $500 each month? I don't know what you're doing with all that extra time at work, but you ought to be able to earn an extra $25 a day to pay for that.

 

Second, I can't get rid of this feeling that you're babysitting sometimes. Tell me you're not doing that.

 

Third, you are setting yourself up for a huge letdown when May arrives. All these accommodations you're making will do nothing for you.

 

Seven months = $3500. Surely, if you do nothing but work for a month, you can earn that much extra? That buys you freedom until May. Do it; go earn that extra money. Start today. Get rid of this woman and her kids. Tell her it is you or her, but one of you has to go. Don't worry about her ability to pay the rent. If she brings it up, just say "it sounds like you need to find a roommate or a sugar daddy." Her rent is her responsibility. Her kids are her responsibility. Her actions have consequences, not for you, but for her. I know that's harsh, but it's also true.

 

Basically, you've chosen their well-being over your own.

[Penguins]

Breakups are really hard. I am sorry you are struggling. I sense a deep maturity in you. I hope you can move past this in time. Don't you think it might be helpful to find a friend or two to talk to? Someone to help you move through it? Not that you have to process it outloud with someone, but to have a friend is a good thing.

[TwiztidD]

No, i am not babysitting. The only time i was asked was about three months ago because on of her friends attempted suicide and got baker acted.

 

I should have explained, i have friends guys. Ive already talked to them about this until i am blue in the face. They are married, living at home, or out of state. One potential person is allergic to cats, i cant abandon my friend , adopting a animal is a 10-20 year commitment.

 

As for my side business, ive been in the business for 13 years. I just started on the side, it will take me a good 5-10 years before i establish my clientele. Work was SLOW in summer, it is season now so i go from part time 32 hours a week to 50.

 

As for saying i dont have much of a life, i feel you are being judgemental and do not know the entire story, friend.

[TwiztidD]

I will explain when i am home, text to speech is tough to correct sometimes lol.

Edited October 20, 2015 by TwiztidD

[TwiztidD]

I sit here and begin to tell myself, "This girl, who you loved, lived with for over 4 years.....broke up with you via text....the absolute coward's way of getting out of something. We LIVE together, yet you can't have the decency to tell me to my face?" That is not someone who I would want to spend my life with.

 

Such a coward's way out, tell me "I'm not good with confrontations". LOL....I would like to state I have absolutely ZERO past issues with anger or abuse. In fact, we made it specifically clear "If there is a problem, we can always talk it out." What good that did.

 

I know there is "someone else", I am not a fool. I know I am the only one feeling down and out, but I realize that if someone won't even fight for you....what exactly IS the point? "I give, you take, this life that I forsake" (Good Metallica song lyrics..Harvester Of Sorrow). If someone truly loved you, they see past any flaws you may have....because NOBODY is perfect. To pick and point out things I may have said over 12 months ago shows, things have been "bothering" you for a long time. I wish only she COMMUNICATED with me on issues. It was WORTH it to me to understand there were problems, and WORK on them.

 

I appreciate you guys replying. I have many friends, they have heard me until I am blue in the face. When I get upset, I do not take it out on anybody. I listen to music, or I go for a drive to clear my head. This has really hurt my feelings, but these kinds of things happen. She has shown her true colors, and you know what? That is her life, this is her choice.

 

She "goes to bed" at around 9pm, with phone and tablet in hand. No problem, we do not speak at all anymore. I did at least tell her how I felt, and for that I have absolutely no regrets. I laid it out on the table on our talk. She has, by her actions, chosen not to reconcile. And that is fine. At least I will never sit here and tell myself "If she only knew how you felt"....nope, she knows and doesn't care. And that is fine, it is her loss. I did not cheat, I did not lie, I did not abuse her. All in all, this has seemingly "run it's course" and the only reason it is bothering me so much is, I've never lived with someone after a breakup. You want to know my big lesson in all of this? NEVER.....EVER, share a lease with someone. If she was not on the lease, she would have been OUT after 30 days (The legal limit you must give someone). In hindsight, I will never make that mistake again. But to be fair, we were best friends prior to dating, temptation overcame...and this is the aftermath.

 

I do not text her, I do not call her (UNLESS it is a very important issue with rent, bills, etc). Those days are over. If she wants to play the field and was unhappy with what I had to offer, I have to just say GOOD LUCK and GOODBYE. I do not want to date anybody else, in fact this has pretty much set the path for me just to go back to enjoying being by myself. (I was single for 4 years, did not date anybody, and to be honest, did not really care as I was focusing on MYSELF) I consider myself to be a lone wolf, this was difficult to mold pretty much dating THREE PEOPLE (Her, her two kids). But I did give it my best shot. I have absolutely no regrets on that aspect, guys. I treated her with respect, the way I feel a WOMAN (Not a GIRL) would appreciate.

 

I understand why she has gone astray, and I can't change her mind or her path. The way it ended of course, will always be on my mind. But I will not talk her down, trash her to my friends, or throw her under the bus (As tempting as it may be). She is only 25, I am pushing 30. I remember my view on life almost 5 years ago, it is nothing what I view now (With age comes experience). Take into the fact she has 2 children ages 6 and 3, an ex-husband........I have it easy. I have no kids, I have no problems in my life other than your everyday issues. I am not a drunk, a drug addict, or someone who sits on their ass collecting Unemployment checks. I am good looking (I may be almost 30 but I look 20...good genes!) and have a heart of gold. This was a GIRL (i won't use the term WOMAN) I really began thinking of settling down with. I understand now, her future does not have me in it.

 

As for "not having a life". I have to laugh at that. I really do. We are all individuals with different outlooks on what "life" is. I am at peace with my life. I have a full-time job and have been employed my entire adult life. I've never asked for a handout, hell, I've been on my OWN since I was 18. I've never been arrested, hell not even a speeding ticket. I have excellent credit (Albeit some financial debt, but who doesn't in this day and age?). My favorite sports are football, basketball, and hockey which I play as well as watch. In my down time, I enjoy listening to metal music, and playing video games. I like to cook and I enjoy my medicinal cannabis (prescribed to me by a doctor for my anxiety). To me, this is what I call LIVING, brother. Coming from such a hectic and bad childhood, I am glad I've made it this far. But for you to suggest I, "Get a life", lol. I do not follow the "mainstream", parties do not really excite me. Bars are nowhere I would like to be....I would rather relax with a good book or a good movie/TV show. I am a homebody. Call me boring, call me whatever you wish....but respect the lifestyle I have CHOSEN to live before you cast stones. There are many people just like me, I guess they should all get a life too lol.

 

 

As I sit here, I just look at the date. Only 6 months, 9 days to go before I can move out. I thank GOD that she is not 6 months pregnant with my child, and we just got married. Things could be a lot worse, amiright?

Edited October 22, 2015 by TwiztidD

[66Charger]

Are 2 different people posting under the same name?

[mightycpa]

No, i am not babysitting. The only time i was asked was about three months ago because on of her friends attempted suicide and got baker acted.

 

I should have explained, i have friends guys. Ive already talked to them about this until i am blue in the face. They are married, living at home, or out of state. One potential person is allergic to cats, i cant abandon my friend , adopting a animal is a 10-20 year commitment.

 

As for my side business, ive been in the business for 13 years. I just started on the side, it will take me a good 5-10 years before i establish my clientele. Work was SLOW in summer, it is season now so i go from part time 32 hours a week to 50.

 

As for saying i dont have much of a life, i feel you are being judgemental and do not know the entire story, friend.

Delightful. You made it sound so dire. Perhaps you could be a better storyteller.

 

So, you have friends, but you're friends are useless in this regard, as is true with most men. Check.

 

Your business is actually a side business, and so the fixed income part of your life will not expand to support the extra rent, and there's only so many hours in a day, many of which are already claimed by The Man. Check.

 

You bring baggage in the form of a rescue cat, limiting your moving options. Your obligations to the cat trump your desire to extricate yourself from your present misery. Check.

 

You're not babysitting. Good, although that might bring in some extra cash. Just kidding. Check.

 

Now your story is a little more mundane, a little more run-of-the-mill. You're in your 20's, got involved with this girl, she changed her mind, and now you're stuck there, with few realistic options that do not cause some serious upheaval to your life.... frying pan or fire, I guess.

 

What to do, kiddies? I don't know. I'd ditch the cat and expand my options, but I'm guessing you won't, so I'll just leave that over there on the table. The ability of your side work to generate enough ongoing cash doesn't sound promising, as you'd have to earn at least $750 over and above costs to clear $500 more each month part time. She's not going anywhere, I guess and neither are you.

 

How do you get over someone when your living situation is thus? The only option I see is that you're going to have to work hard, and make yourself get sick of her presence, and grateful you're not with her. You're going to have to change your mind about this woman, maybe focus on her bad habits, poor hygiene and terrible life skills. I don't know. I'm no help, because I'd get rid of the cat and be out of there fast. I know that's not you.

 

Good luck to you sir. The good news is that you're only 29, and in just a few years, you'll be in your mid thirties, and this will all be just a terrible chapter of your life from long ago.

[TwiztidD]

I decided to move out. I asked her if she could not respect the fact that I do not want her new dates over, then we have a problem. I got the "I pay half the rent here too" lecture, and that is when I said "Okay, you are right, you pay half the rent, thanks for clearing that up". No respect for my feelings, and there is no way I can heal seeing her everyday

 

I went on Craigslist and found a room for rent that will take me and my cat. I rented a U-Haul at 6am the next day, and moved all of my stuff with my friend. I turned off ALL utilities (since they were in MY name), and left my keys and the garage opener on the table. I went to the phone company and changed my phone number.

 

I emailed the landlord and told him situation required me to leave. Let them sue me, they will get their money in 20-30 years friend. I told him to keep the security deposit and that I did not actually PHYSICALLY sign a renewal lease. Blocked his e-mail and that's that. If I hear from a lawyer in a few months, I will just cross that bridge when I get there.

 

And that is it. People who wanted to play silly games and think I will just sit here and take it.....lol. I waited a few months to see if things would change, they got worse. 6 months was too long for me to wait. Someone with no regard to my feelings, break up via text message. Cowardly. So, enjoy your life and I wish you the best.

 

Thanks for the proverbial kick in the ass friend. I hope she can turn the power on for her and the kiddos, but I am no longer worrying about them. Time to worry about the one person I can control, myself. Time to worry about the most important person in my life, MYSELF. **** em. The move went fine, and I am on the path to recovery. My cat says HELLO cpa, and we don't need the aggravation anymore.

Edited October 27, 2015 by TwiztidD

[66Charger]

You should give lessons to some of the posters on here. Specificaly the depressed, anxiety, " but I love her man" poor excuses for the Male Gender. Their post are so sickening

[mightycpa]

My cat says HELLO cpa, and we don't need the aggravation anymore.

Hello cat, you've got a good one there.

 

OP, every once in a while, we see a poster go who first presents as a hopeless and pathetic victim who then transforms into a strong, brave and decisive actor, right before our eyes. You're one of them, TwiztidD.

 

66Charger is right. Kudos to you.

 

Good luck.