My fiance's shares a bank account with ex wife and pays non court ordered alimony.

October 19, 2015

I've been with my guy for about 3.5 years. We're engaged to be married. I love him with all of my heart. The issue is that I've recently discovered that he and his ex wife share a bank account. I found out from seeing a text from her that popped up on the screen of his phone while we were out to dinner and he had stepped away. Her text mentioned taking care of a bill of his and setting aside money for him in his account to take care of his hockey team.

It was rather unsettling. I confronted him about it, and he told me that their accounts were separate. His checking account was the gold and hers was the basic under the same profile. So they have the same online bank login and occasionally she will take care of a financial affair for him including picking up his check from his secretary when he's out of town and depositing for him.

The thing is I haven't felt threatened by her in any way. She's remarried and seems happy. She does vent to the both of us about her marital problems and will call him for advice. While this is unconventional, it hasn't really bothered me as he is usually super annoyed by her venting.

Another issue, that I've chalked up to him being an overly nice guy and hoping this will change: is that he pays her non-court ordered alimony in addition to child support which usually ends up being 2,400$ a month.

His reason, is that he doesn't want his kids lifestyles to change. She remarried a self employed plumber with his own business and several rental properties (seems to be doing quite well) and he is a lawyer earning six figures. My concern is that he is behind on paying his taxes but wont stop paying her so much to his detriment.

The thing is I really like his ex wife personally. I consider her a friend. Some of her friends have become friends of mine and vice versa. Although, some of my friends don't agree with how close she is to my fiancé and have made it clear their dislike for the situation. Still, we get along and everything else is pretty perfect. Except for the finances. I care now that I'm going to marry him. Otherwise, his financial affairs have been his own. I am completely independent of him financially as well but soon won't be. I'm confused and thinking the ties with the ex may be too close for comfort. He doesn't want to budge or change things even though he would benefit from a change substantially. Im not sure what to do or think. Help!!

-coldfeet

Edited October 19, 2015 by ashleymon24

October 19, 2015

I commend him for doing the best for his family. Good characteristic. However...

I think he needs to make a budget and you need to be in on this as I believe him owing taxes will fall on both of you the day you become married. Get these taxes paid. 75% of disagreements in marriage are $ related ...I'd discuss before the marriage to make sure you're on the same page.

October 19, 2015

I don't believe that someone else's tax debts become yours simply because you marry them. HOWEVER, if you want to file your income taxes together after you're married, you'll have to do it with special forms to request your protection from his debt from the IRS because the government will seize whatever he has coming back to him.

It sounds like your fiancée still needs a mommy to do things for him and his ex is happy to do it because she's getting a nice fat payoff from him for her troubles. Picking up his paycheck for him and paying his bills for him? Seriously? This goes beyond being a 'nice guy,' he's an idiot.

There's a difference between being 'commendable' for honoring his child support duty to his kids, and just being an over-indulgent fool. And he's the latter. Is it worth going into tax debt just so - God forbid - his kids aren't 'deprived' of the latest x-box games or the latest designer sneakers? The horror! And quite honestly, I'm sure that $2400 a month ain't all going to spoil his kids. It probably helps wifey get her nails done and her hair done and other niceties she might not be able to afford.

Once you're on the scene covering half the bills, don't be surprised if he's even more foolish and starts paying her more every month now that you're there to pick up the slack for him.

I'd be curious as to why these two got divorced? Is this guilt money he's paying her? Did they divorce because he cheated and now he's feeling guilty and throwing all his money at her? There's a dynamic going on here that just doesn't make sense.

Lastly, is this what you really want to sign up for? To have most of your salary used to pick up the slack for the household while the clear majority of your husband's paycheck goes to supporting his ex-wife? How are you two supposed to ever save or get ahead in life? How are you two supposed to ever be able to go on vacation or buy a new car or renovate your kitchen or do something indulgent for yourselves simply as a reward for working so hard every day?

What if you want to have a child in the future but you can't because your salary is needed to support the household - while he's supporting his ex? Or worse yet, how would you feel if you did have a child and wanted to stay home for a couple years and raise him/her but you COULDN'T because you have to go back to work - so he can support his ex-wife? How is that fair to YOU and your baby?

I can think of a million ways you're going to be short-changed because of this.

It's one thing to honor a child support obligation. I get it. But it's quite another to fritter away a good chunk of your monthly income to your remarried ex-wife so she can live high on the hog while you go into tax debt.

You need to fix this before you marry him. If I were you, I'd have him look up the actual state mandated amount of child support for 2 kids and use that as a base to set a REALISTIC monthly amount he'll start paying going forward. If he wants to pad it a little bit, that's fine. But more than likely it isn't $2400 a month - it's probably half that amount.

October 19, 2015

Turns out he does feel guilty for divorcing her because he did leave/divorce her for the woman he cheated on her with. Of course, this was a huge red flag to me when we were dating initially. I considered not seeing him again for this and other reasons. After meeting his spouse and seeing how they interact, I gave him credit because they are so wrong for each-other. I don't know how they made it past the first date much less to the alter. He told me he felt pressure from his family and everyone to get married and he'd been in a slew of relationships with devious manipulative women and when his now ex wife came around. She was the "guileless" "simple" "good mother type" he thought he'd grow into loving but never did. Even she has confirmed that there wasn't the spark she now has with her current husband and he denied her sex all of the time because he simply wasn't attracted to her. This also confirmed by her. I empathized with him because I entered a relationship with an awesome guy I wasn't terribly attracted to in hopes that I would be. Still no excuse for cheating, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

The woman he left her for ended up disappearing because she wanted kids and he couldn't or didn't want to have them at the time. He's assured me that having kids is a very real possibility for him now where-as it was a non-negotiable in the past. I agree 2,400$ is just too much. 1,200 for child support and 1,200 for alimony. Not to mention he gave her their 400K home and the car. He now drives a cheap electrical car and his dad's once old high mileage Tahoe that was given to him. Yet continues to pay her car payment which is only a couple hundred a month. In exchange, he "gets to keep his retirement". To him an asset vs acquiring a debt like the home.

The issue that truly concerns me is she assumes and he delegates to her wifely duties even though they are divorced. I'm concerned it won't change even when I'm his actual wife. I want to know how to undermine this. He gets very defensive and I feel like I'm in a court room pleading my case and he wins because he's a very skilled attorney or uses pity to win me over to his side. I've considered confronting her about it but feel like it will just blow up in my face.

October 19, 2015

I agree it is a good characteristic to make sure his family is taken care of. I love his children as if they were my own and would never want to undermine that.

There is a line that's being crossed. I cant help but feel he's being taken advantage of. Especially when she shows up with new Lululemon clothes all of the time and gets her nails done more than anyone I know. She needs them because she's a trainer and it's for work. She gets a phenomenal trainer discount of 15 percent off. It's almost laughable.

I've been told that I'm the trophy he doesn't have to pay for or earn. The notion that I'm a prize to be won or bought off is repulsive. I take pride in the fact that everything I own is in my name and my own and not from a man. I just want this divorced married couple thing to end. To squash it.

October 19, 2015

I feel for you but feel that this is his problem with her right now and not your problem with her till you marry him.

Keep going with the avenue of talking with him about it, letting your feelings be known without looking catty and spiteful and hammer away on how it looks from an uninterested party.. since you are not married that is essentially what you are at this point.

Hopefully this will be dealt with before the marriage so you can go into it without any hard feelings..

Good Luck

October 19, 2015

my dad paid private child support for years for a former gf - even when she remarried and had other kids. he was being very generous and kind and so is your fiance. but, co-mingling money like that is not ok with an ex. if he wants to continue this weirdness, he should set up a separate alimony/support account for her so that each payment he makes is documented and has a check/trail behind it. he's ruining his own financials and probably doesn't realize it. people can get very upset when money is taken away that is relied upon, so if he pulls out of this arrangement i bet there will be backlash. if you guys are set to marry all accounts should be between you and him, and not this other person. a serious discussion is needed and you just don't marry someone when the finances are a mess... you have to be smart and think with your head at times. money is the #1 killer of love, right? or at least in the top 3. you need to make your feelings known.. he can support her if that's agreeable, but it should all be above-board and documented and coming from a controlled account.

October 19, 2015

Turns out he does feel guilty for divorcing her because he did leave/divorce her for the woman he cheated on her with. Of course, this was a huge red flag to me when we were dating initially. I considered not seeing him again for this and other reasons. After meeting his spouse and seeing how they interact, I gave him credit because they are so wrong for each-other. I don't know how they made it past the first date much less to the alter. He told me he felt pressure from his family and everyone to get married and he'd been in a slew of relationships with devious manipulative women and when his now ex wife came around. She was the "guileless" "simple" "good mother type" he thought he'd grow into loving but never did. Even she has confirmed that there wasn't the spark she now has with her current husband and he denied her sex all of the time because he simply wasn't attracted to her. This also confirmed by her. I empathized with him because I entered a relationship with an awesome guy I wasn't terribly attracted to in hopes that I would be. Still no excuse for cheating, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
The woman he left her for ended up disappearing because she wanted kids and he couldn't or didn't want to have them at the time. He's assured me that having kids is a very real possibility for him now where-as it was a non-negotiable in the past. I agree 2,400$ is just too much. 1,200 for child support and 1,200 for alimony. Not to mention he gave her their 400K home and the car. He now drives a cheap electrical car and his dad's once old high mileage Tahoe that was given to him. Yet continues to pay her car payment which is only a couple hundred a month. In exchange, he "gets to keep his retirement". To him an asset vs acquiring a debt like the home.
The issue that truly concerns me is she assumes and he delegates to her wifely duties even though they are divorced. I'm concerned it won't change even when I'm his actual wife. I want to know how to undermine this. He gets very defensive and I feel like I'm in a court room pleading my case and he wins because he's a very skilled attorney or uses pity to win me over to his side. I've considered confronting her about it but feel like it will just blow up in my face.

What kind of an attorney is he? Criminal or civil?

What if he will not agree to change how he does things? What are you prepared to do, besides complain?

October 19, 2015

Put your foot down & make it a deal breaker. Tell him to hire an accountant if necessary.

October 19, 2015

If he makes 6 figures, I'm surprised his court ordered child support is only $1200 a month.

My boyfriend pays that much on what was less than half that. I agree he's overpaying but I've never heard of someone making a lot of money paying only $1200 either.

Most of my friends making 100-150k pay between 1750 and 2500 if they do not have custody (Joint custody changes things verse just visitation). I mean, at 150k, gross income is $12,500 a month.

I guess by google for one kid, standard only is about 20% net income; two kids, 28%; 3 kids, 32%, etc.

If he even makes only $100,000 even, barely countable as "six figures"--- net income on that tax bracket, two kids puts him around $1900 a month for child support only.

I feel like there's something not entirely on the up on what he is telling you.

You need to discuss with him paying extra before the marriage, no doubt. One of you or both of you have to give. It won't spontaneously get better.

October 19, 2015

It sounds like a lot of really mature people dealing with life. You are blessed. Do you think that with your marriage there could be a few adjustments and changes? She would understand, I am sure if you wanted to "uncomplicate" things by separating the accounts etc. Can your fiance pay a bit more child support and eliminate the alimony? It might just make things clearer. Guilt is never a good motivation for making decisions. His desire to provide for his kids, be a good dad, are all good motivations. As a lawyer, your fiance would understand and it would probably be a simple matter to set up the accounts differently. Blessings on your upcoming marriage.

October 19, 2015

What kind of an attorney is he? Criminal or civil?

What if he will not agree to change how he does things? What are you prepared to do, besides complain?

He's in commercial litigation defense. Once we're married, I plan to make sure that the accounts are separated. It's not even the money that's plaguing me it's just that she continues to do things for him as if they're still married. It's hurtful and I'm just venting.

October 19, 2015

It sounds like a lot of really mature people dealing with life. You are blessed. Do you think that with your marriage there could be a few adjustments and changes? She would understand, I am sure if you wanted to "uncomplicate" things by separating the accounts etc. Can your fiance pay a bit more child support and eliminate the alimony? It might just make things clearer. Guilt is never a good motivation for making decisions. His desire to provide for his kids, be a good dad, are all good motivations. As a lawyer, your fiance would understand and it would probably be a simple matter to set up the accounts differently. Blessings on your upcoming marriage.

Thank you. This is the best advice I've gotten. Really good solutions that I think will work. I imagine this "wife role" she still holds will eventually dissipate. It just takes time. I'm just resentful of the fact that he's taken good care of her and her needs and has done very little if anything for me mainly because he's spread so thin and I feel bad for him. If I know him and I do, I can't imagine that will continue forever.

October 20, 2015

He's in commercial litigation defense. Once we're married, I plan to make sure that the accounts are separated. It's not even the money that's plaguing me it's just that she continues to do things for him as if they're still married. It's hurtful and I'm just venting.

No, I'm talking about now. There's no guarantee that marriage will take place.

October 20, 2015

This stuff can all be negotiated. A couple of things that I noticed from your post:

1. It's not common to pay alimony after the divorced spouse remarries. It usually terminates on remarriage. In the event of no remarriage, there is a time limit for alimony to paid, typically three years. It varies state to state, and the two parties can agree to other terms beyond the standard, but most don't, or at least don't put it in the decree, which is binding. Ask him what the decree states.

2. Child support is capped at a maximum for the percentage figured. In some states it is $6000, even if $12000 is the actual monthly gross income. That means that appropriate percentage is figured on the $6000, or whatever the state income cap happens to be.

Child support and alimony are separate items. Child support is not taxable to the spouse receiving the support, while alimony is taxable income to the recipient.

Sit down and discuss your concerns. My ex and I had our accounts linked so we could deal with kids money issues. There are always extra costs like sports and school trips. It's a good way to keep track of these extras. I would advise a special account for this. I had my main checking account at a different bank. If I were you, I would not want the ex to have access to our main checking account. You should have a joint account with your fiancée, and he can have a small separate one for the other purpose. You should also have access and login info for that account. The ex should NOT be depositing your fiancee's checks or doing his banking. Tell him you will do those duties.

All can be negotiated. Sit down and talk to him. He is trying to take good care of his family. Let him know you appreciate that, but there need to be boundaries and some changes since you will know be making a new family unit.

Edited October 20, 2015 by blueskyday

October 20, 2015

ashleymon24, never enter marriage with an anticipation for change. Get married when the important stuff is agreeable and exactly what the two of you can live the with for rest of your lives. I am not saying that circumstances and people don't change; I am saying that getting married with the hope of things changing is a precarious proposition.

It is likely that he wants to marry you because he believes you are agreeable to the current status quo. Many women would have already put their foot down regarding the financial/emotional entanglements with his ex. Not only have you gone with the flow, but have assimilated nicely with his ex and social circle. Bonus.

If you marry him and then attempt to change what you have been agreeable to, he will feel betrayed and perhaps a little hoodwinked. He will not be the only one who bucks, his ex will no doubt come at you like a bat out of heck for trying to mess with what she's got going. Marry him all smiles, then try to dam the gravy train, no ma'am. Watch that friendly relationship you have now implode.

Honestly, though you are absolutely correct to expect to be his wife with all that entails and including financial security and benefits.......these issues need to be ironed out before the 'I do's.' Don't assume it will be easier after because it will come off that you're using your new status as power leverage which is unsavory. You already see the problems, deal with them now or when you are accused of being disingenuous you will have to concede.

Take as long an engagement as needed. Marry with genuine partnership.

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My fiance's shares a bank account with ex wife and pays non court ordered alimony.

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