pcs13 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 ...and if they don't, say after 3 months, they won't? Talking about deep connection. After 3 months he admitted that he hasn't felt that openness and emotional connection, and without it we both can't take things further. Also said we can't force our feelings but at the same time he still want to date me exclusively. Should I stay or should I leave? I want to be with someone who I know will love me. Do you think love is a bit overrated sometimes? I keep wanting for a Hollywood style of love, something like love at the first sight and get stressed when I don't feel deeply about someone instantly and vice versa.
Toodaloo Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 After 3 months if he is not "feeling a connection" you need to bite the bullet and end it. He is probably just hanging in there until someone he does feel that connection comes along. By then you could have been dating for years and it will hurt ten time more than if you end it now. Sorry about that. Its never easy. 2
phineas Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Depends on the guy, how old he is, how experienced with women, how easy it is to meet women, and his past. Me in college I fell hard a few times way to early for the real pretty ones. Me now older divorced, can get dates ect. It takes a while. Pretty on the outside don't mean pretty on the inside. After 3 months I'd consider myself official with someone and care about them but I sure wouldn't be deeply in love.. I've had women just disappear on me after 4 months without so much as a text. They just started ignoring me. So I don't tend to get attached easily.
Lois_Griffin Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 After 3 months he admitted that he hasn't felt that openness and emotional connection, and without it we both can't take things further. Also said we can't force our feelings but at the same time he still want to date me exclusively. Should I stay or should I leave? I want to be with someone who I know will love me. Three months is a little too short an amount of time to know whether you're in love with someone or not. That being said, this guy is contradicting himself. He's basically saying he's not feeling it and doesn't want to move forward, YET, he still wants to date 'exclusively.' That doesn't even make sense. I skimmed your other thread and it sounds to me as though you're simply FWB's is all. You just basically hang out and have sex. Sure, you goof off and have a fun time together, but it's basically built all around sex. It's not like you're properly dating and building a solid foundation or anything. So what he's telling you is that he's not feeling it. HOWEVER, he likes the sex he's getting on the regular and doesn't want to give that up. NOR does he want other guys playing with his toy so that's why he's pushing the exclusivity thing. What he actually wants is SEXUAL exclusivity, not emotional. And that has nothing to do with loving you or being jealous of other guys seeing you - as I said, he simply doesn't want any other dogs in his territory, is all. But do know that if he finds a better option, he'll be taking it. He's satisfied with sex on a regular basis and the free and easy way you get along. But he's not emotionally invested. When someone comes along that he wants to invest in emotionally, he'll go running. And his excuse will be that he was honest with you and TOLD you he wasn't feeling it. So, you can continue to be his exclusive friend with benefits which would satisfy HIM, or you can seek out someone who will actually want an emotional connection with you and not just a steady supply of sex. Your choice.
Lois_Griffin Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Do you think love is a bit overrated sometimes? I keep wanting for a Hollywood style of love, something like love at the first sight and get stressed when I don't feel deeply about someone instantly and vice versa. Yeah, that storybook romance and/or Hollywood movie "Notebook" kind of love rarely happens for anyone. However, it's not unrealistic to want to be with someone whose emotionally invested in you. This guy isn't. He just wants the sex, is all. Aim higher. 1
Author pcs13 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 (edited) Three months is a little too short an amount of time to know whether you're in love with someone or not. That being said, this guy is contradicting himself. He's basically saying he's not feeling it and doesn't want to move forward, YET, he still wants to date 'exclusively.' That doesn't even make sense. I skimmed your other thread and it sounds to me as though you're simply FWB's is all. You just basically hang out and have sex. Sure, you goof off and have a fun time together, but it's basically built all around sex. It's not like you're properly dating and building a solid foundation or anything. So what he's telling you is that he's not feeling it. HOWEVER, he likes the sex he's getting on the regular and doesn't want to give that up. NOR does he want other guys playing with his toy so that's why he's pushing the exclusivity thing. What he actually wants is SEXUAL exclusivity, not emotional. And that has nothing to do with loving you or being jealous of other guys seeing you - as I said, he simply doesn't want any other dogs in his territory, is all. But do know that if he finds a better option, he'll be taking it. He's satisfied with sex on a regular basis and the free and easy way you get along. But he's not emotionally invested. When someone comes along that he wants to invest in emotionally, he'll go running. And his excuse will be that he was honest with you and TOLD you he wasn't feeling it. So, you can continue to be his exclusive friend with benefits which would satisfy HIM, or you can seek out someone who will actually want an emotional connection with you and not just a steady supply of sex. Your choice. I think people are a bit too quick to jump into the conclusion that he only want sex but I do agree it sounds like that from what I said. I was the one who told him that I didn't think it's gonna work out first and he agreed about the connection that is missing. I haven't fell in love with him because I had a hard time being open with him but I can change that by stop waiting for him to opening up first. We talked a bit more after that conversation. We talked about how we will try to reveal more about ourselves. He told me about his past relationship. He broke up with his gf 3 years ago and haven't slept or dated with many girls. In fact I'm the first girl he's dated seriously after his ex. He is ridiculously good-looking and I don't think it would be hard for him to have sex with many girls if he wants. He introduced me to his friends and shows affection in public. His friends seem happy that he finally is dating a girl now. In the beginning he also said our thing is not casual and he doesn't want to be with any other girl so I don't feel like I'm in a FwB situation. I don't know it's just hard to know sometimes. I just want to know if it's worth fixing. I said I don't feel the connection but I think it can be changed and wonder if it will be the same for guys to process their feelings that way? Edited October 19, 2015 by pcs13
Leigh 87 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 My ex fell head over heels in love with me after a month or a month and a half. My friend and her boyfriend fell in love within a month. .... My boyfriend and I also felll hard for each other and fell in love within a month. All the above individuals had all had prior long term relationship experience and knew what love was.... we all felt the in love feelings within a month that had previously taken a year or more to develop. ........ I personally only date men who fall hard for me and are smitten with me, and me them
Leigh 87 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 And the men who didn't fall fast or hard for me ALL ended up breaking it off....they All stated that although the sexual chemistry was amazing and I was kind and funny, that tbey felt something was "missing":rolleyes: Men who take a longer time to fall for you when they hsd previously fallen passionately and quickly and intensely in love with an ex r exes, almost always feel that something is " missing " because they aren't enamoured with you, and they know they have the capacity to fall head over heels.
Author pcs13 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 Is it always the case with all men? And women are different?
Mrlonelyone Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Depends on the guy, how old he is, how experienced with women, how easy it is to meet women, and his past. Me in college I fell hard a few times way to early for the real pretty ones. Me now older divorced, can get dates ect. It takes a while. Pretty on the outside don't mean pretty on the inside. After 3 months I'd consider myself official with someone and care about them but I sure wouldn't be deeply in love.. I've had women just disappear on me after 4 months without so much as a text. They just started ignoring me. So I don't tend to get attached easily. ^This OP. I had an on and off ex/gf who had my baby. Then declared the entire time we were together she was "just being nice". Then took the kid and disappeared. He's 11 now and my spitting image. That broke my heart into pieces where now there is more scar than meat. Since then I don't "love" anyone until they prove it to me. I have met other men and women since then I felt deeply for....but love after a few months, no. That said: If you are young, and he is young; Then after a few months he should be saying ILY. Us older folks have been burned too much to be so free with our feelings. 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Is it always the case with all men? And women are No. One relationship coach said that he did not feel the story book romance with his wife when they first met. He described how he had previously been more enamored and infatuated with someof his exes and he fell in love fast...... where as with his now wife, who he's blissfully happy with and has two children to, he wasn't enamored with her. They didn't have intense chemistry. This man took 6 months to fall on love with is wife. And he's very happily married. My ex ex and I took about 5 months to exchange I Love Yous. We did not last. We also didn't have instant attraction and we had to grow on each other. The spark was missing for him. I definitely loved him and was in love with him. He just wasn't with me. Here's where it gets interesting. It's my belief that women can fall head over heels for men that they aren't that into at first. ...where as with men, if they don't feel that instant spark and f they don't feel smitten with you early on, they will never feel the intense passion and 10/10 chemistry and the head over heels in love feelings. .......... My first love and I fell in love after a month or two.......remainded together for two years. Then again we all have differences in personalities wen it comes to love. My friend hardly ever falls crazy abouta guy and falls in love very slowly with most men. Only a tiiiiiny %of men she has ever met have made her fall fast and in love witin a month or two. On the flip side of the coin, I had a fwb who fell for me...and proceeded to fall hard for EVERY GIRL HE MET afterwards. .....some men fall fast often. Although this guy then realized when he met the true love of his life that he had in fact, not truly loved or fallen for me or the other girls...... it took him meeting the true love of his lifeto realise that he just fell too easily without aby substance.......... Love is interesting and diverse and experienced differently by different individuals. And yet some things remain the same. I think most people are capable of falling harder for some people faster than they do others.
Leigh 87 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 ^This OP. I had an on and off ex/gf who had my baby. Then declared the entire time we were together she was "just being nice". Then took the kid and disappeared. He's 11 now and my spitting image. That broke my heart into pieces where now there is more scar than meat. Since then I don't "love" anyone until they prove it to me. I have met other men and women since then I felt deeply for....but love after a few months, no. That said: If you are young, and he is young; Then after a few months he should be saying ILY. Us older folks have been burned too much to be so free with our feelings. Sorry about your loss. While many older people are very well jaded, and take longer to emotionally invest, you're still humanand there will simply be some women whome you fall for faster than you do others. I don't blame you for not wanting to assign LOVE to things early on. ... My boyfriend and I have been cheated on and betrayed and hurt as badly as can be short of children being involved....... we still fell in love fast. Despite being very untrusting and hesitant. ..... Where as my friend got his kids taken from him by an ex and he is a broken man. He can sense the woman he COULD ave previously fallen hard for...... yet he lacks the emotional capacity to fall in lve again. 1
Vintage79 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Holy naive - men always fall in love in 3 months? Seriously? In 3 months, you're still swarming with hormones, and you're truthfully, completely incapable of knowing if you're genuinely in love or it's infatuation. Stop talking about Hollywood Style love and stop trying to apply absolute lame logic, that opposes biological processes, to love...if you're having a good time and it's not a damaging relationship (i.e. abusive, demeaning, etc.), just have fun with it and see what happens... 1
Miss Peach Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 At 3 months I know I'm willing to put both feet into a relationship. I also know I *really* like someone and it may turn into love. I don't know more that that.
Author pcs13 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 Holy naive - men always fall in love in 3 months? Seriously? In 3 months, you're still swarming with hormones, and you're truthfully, completely incapable of knowing if you're genuinely in love or it's infatuation. Stop talking about Hollywood Style love and stop trying to apply absolute lame logic, that opposes biological processes, to love...if you're having a good time and it's not a damaging relationship (i.e. abusive, demeaning, etc.), just have fun with it and see what happens... Seems like it's said everywhere that the man at least should know whether he wants to have a relationship or not after 3 months. But yeah I think you're right I really want to just enjoy what we're having now. I'm getting stressed out because of this and it stops me from being happy and enjoy his company. I told him today that I enjoy being with him now but I know I would want more in the future but I like him so I want to give it a try to see what could happen. But if he feels like it could never happen then we can stopp and I'll respect that. His respond was he is not entirely sure about a relationship or that it's going somewhere. Said he really like me and want to keep things like this for a few more weeks and see how it goes. So yeah it's pretty clear that he's not that into me. I'm just going to open up more which I didn't in the past 3 months and see if it could change anything. in 3 months I'll leave.
Author pcs13 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 At 3 months I know I'm willing to put both feet into a relationship. I also know I *really* like someone and it may turn into love. I don't know more that that. I haven't fell in love with him yet I just know that I might want something more in the future, not right now because you know that's the natural progession of a relationship.
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