Trying to understand the breakup

[rl1992]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm just trying to get a lot of opinions on a matter thats been eating away at me for a while. I would really appreciate your sensitivity, as I am still in a place of hurt and confusion right now. Also, I hope I am doing this whole forum thing correctly.

 

I just need to talk/opinions/closure/clarification...what have you. This will be a little long, I want to give you a thorough understanding of what I went through so I can get the best advice.

 

My now ex-boyfriend and I were together from May 2014 - May 2015. Before I dated him, I had just come out of a previously poisonous on and off again relationship, and wasn't looking to date anyone. My friend recommended him to me. Lets call him James. I didn't want to date James initially because I was still really guarded and hurt from the last relationship. I am very careful who I give my heart to, but when I do, I am fully committed (I'm 23 and have only ever had two real relationships, if that helps you understand how serious I am). My friend told me not to lose out on something great because I was hurt over the previous relationship. So I went on a date with him. I wasnt initally attracted, but her grew on me, because he was so thoughtful, loving, and genuine (or so I thought). I let my guard down and let James in, after explaining to him how hard it was for me. To sum up the relationship after that, everything was wonderful. He obsessed over me, brought me flowers, showed up at my job when I was getting out just so he could see me, held me, told me he would take care of me, slow danced with me randomly without music...the kind of things you read about in books or see in movies. My friends loved him, and were thankful that I found someone who treated me how I deserve to be treated. James claimed to love me. I had never been treated so wonderfully by a man before.

 

Christmas comes and everything is fine. Feb/March he becomes distant. Snaps at me, isn't as affectionate. Wasn't really thankful for anything I did for him. Seems annoyed to take me out for Valentines day even though he suggested it. Gets mad when I give my opinion even when I'm being non confrontational. We never fought, maybe bickered, but never had a substantial fight. I didnt change. I still loved him and took care of him. Brought him coffee in the wee hours of the night just to show I cared...He had a very demanding college major--lots of all nighters. I really thought he was acting odd from being stressed and tired from school.

 

May 2015, a week before my birthday, claims to be making big plans for my birthday/our one year anniversary. Instead, he breaks up with me, two days before my birthday. Out of the blue. Just sort of jumbled "its not you its me, were moving in different directions" generic type reasons. We never fought, never discussed any issues or thoughts about the future. It wasn't any more substantial of a reason than "I dont want to date anymore, bye!" He doesnt believe he was the right person for me, and that he didnt feel the same about our relationship(I found this out later). This coming from the man who was obsessed with me a few months earlier. How could you change your mind so fast?

 

About three months later hes dating a busty blonde girl and claims to love her, totally the opposite of anyone he has dated before (he liked artsy, classic types, this girl looks like your typical club girl, not trashing on her). My friends are just as surprised. They didnt think he was like this either. Its like hes a totally different person. How can you claim to love one girl in May and then another in August/September? I have been thrown through the biggest loop emotionally and I just want to understand a few things...not just for my own closure, but for my future relationships.

 

When someone walks out of my life, I let them go and I dont contact them unless I absolutely need to. The I didnt contacted him post break up, until I found out he was dating someone else so quickly (a friend had told me, and I wanted to know if he cheated on me). He says he didnt, and that he'll be very happy for me when I find someone myself.

 

I just cant believe that. It took him forever to ask me out because he was scared and "wanted to do it right." Now hes jumped into a relationship so quickly with someone who appears to be the totally opposite, and calls it love within less than a month. Plus hes rather loud about it on social media -- which Im also surprised. He was loud about me on social media too...but his friends and family knew me, and how obsessed and loving he was with me...I dont understand why he doesnt think he looks trashy posting about some new girl, in the same way, so quickly.

 

I hate him. I opened myself up to him and he suddenly dropped me like a toy he was bored with. I dont want him back, I just wish I understood a few things:

 

Did he ever really love me?

 

Is this girl a rebound?

 

Do you think he really wants me to move on? Im assuming he does...it just doesnt make sense. If what we had wasnt love, then I dont know what love is. If I could conjure up an opinion, I think we got passed the honeymoon stage of the relationship, things started to take more work and weren't perfect butterfly flowery goodness anymore, and he wasnt having any of it, so he dropped me, like a toy he got bored with, and has now found a new one. Never thought he was that kind of guy.

 

How do I prevent myself from dating guys like this? (the hot and cold kind).

 

Also...do you think he will be back? I couldnt bear it if he tried to come back into my life. I would likely say some terrible things to him...and I dont even want to waste my breath. I might not be able to control myself, but I am hurt, and I hate him. I can wait to be indifferent, but right now, I hate him.

 

Someone told me he was one of those narcissistic types...What do you think?

[LostOnes05]

I'm sorry that happened to you. People like this make trust in dating very difficult. And yea, he kinda sounds narcissistic. I was recently dumped by one (a woman). She was all over me from the start, told me she loved me, etc., etc.. Bought me a gift early on and then at almost the 3 month mark she turned into a monster over the period of a week. Nothing I did was good for her. Meaning holding doors open, helping her in the kitchen...none of it. She literally took offense to anything nice I did for her, so I completely understand. It's best to move on and just wipe the slate clean of his memory. Odds are he'll come sniveling back once the new girl gets tired of him, finds a better suitor, or treats him poorly. But try not to dwell on it (i know...easier said than done). You'll heal soon. I learned a lesson from my experience and you take something away from yours as well. Best of luck!!

[theredpill]

Sorry you're hurting, rubbish innit tiger this guy is no good, emotionally he's faulty, you will not get closure and it's not him hurting you, it's you (this is the best bit) and because you're creating your own pain you can do something about it

 

 

Spend some quality time with your close friends and talk it out, they'll help you see sense and the wasted energy thinking and trying to rationalise something than can't be explained. Use it as a lesson to spot such behaviour in future boyfriends, dust yourself off, get busy and back out there, where the fun is

[mightycpa]

You know what? If you think about it, what's really the difference if he cheated or not? In the end, you've been replaced. It's over now, and he didn't throw anything in your face. Maybe you gave him the confidence to ask women out. Maybe he met her, realized he liked her, then went to dump you so that he could take her out. Maybe he met her for drinks, they had a great time, and he knew that he had to get rid of you so he could go out with her. Maybe he was seeing the both of you.

 

What difference does it make now? Three months is not really that quick. Three days, maybe you have a point. Three weeks even. But three months? Let it go.

 

I don't think you have to worry about him returning. That's what I think.

[rl1992]

You know what? If you think about it, what's really the difference if he cheated or not? In the end, you've been replaced. It's over now, and he didn't throw anything in your face. Maybe you gave him the confidence to ask women out. Maybe he met her, realized he liked her, then went to dump you so that he could take her out. Maybe he met her for drinks, they had a great time, and he knew that he had to get rid of you so he could go out with her. Maybe he was seeing the both of you.

 

What difference does it make now? Three months is not really that quick. Three days, maybe you have a point. Three weeks even. But three months? Let it go.

 

I don't think you have to worry about him returning. That's what I think.

 

I get what your saying, and I want to think that way, but I just cant. I thought I was overreacting too over three months...but we were in it for a year. You dont know how he was, and I'm not trying to sound defensive towards what you're saying, because I fully understand where you're coming from. He was very serious and very emotionally attached. It took him almost two months to make it official with me. He took his time because he "wanted to do it right." My friends saw it too: he loved me. His friends like me, and my friends liked him. Everything seemed genuine.

 

This new relationship is fast, I think, for him. How serious and slow he was with me doesn't match the quickness of his new relationship. He is obsessed with the classy, vintage red lipstick beauty types...This girl is your typical club girl, spray tan, bleach blonde, 5 inch heels kind of girl. Im sure she's a great person...but she is never, ever what hes ever dated, and I know that for a fact.

 

I really think, at the end of it all, he'll use her like he used me: to meet his own needs and no one elses.

[RIPolaris]

Try not to dwell on these questions. You'll never get an answer for them and even if you did they wouldn't help any, they'll only prevent you from moving on. It doesn't matter if she's a rebound or not that's not your problem, that's his. I know it's hard but you should try and see it as he's not relevant to you anymore, he's your past. Sometimes people's actions don't make any sense, I believe they themselves don't understand their own actions at times.

 

 

Don't waste your energy hating him, that means he still has power over you and that shouldn't be the case. My ex (whom I honestly loved so damn much) cheated on me, lied/manipulated me, and dumped me for her ex boyfriend. You'd think I'd hate her but she's simply not worth the energy or effort and neither is this guy.

 

 

Go complete NC. Don't look at any of his social media; block him. Tell your friends/family that you don't want to hear anything that is going on with him; ignorance is bliss. I've personally been healing very well but sometimes a co-worker or friend will tell me something that my ex has done or said and it always puts me a step back.

 

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[mightycpa]

I get what your saying, and I want to think that way, but I just cant. I thought I was overreacting too over three months...but we were in it for a year. You dont know how he was, and I'm not trying to sound defensive towards what you're saying, because I fully understand where you're coming from. He was very serious and very emotionally attached. It took him almost two months to make it official with me. He took his time because he "wanted to do it right." My friends saw it too: he loved me. His friends like me, and my friends liked him. Everything seemed genuine.

 

This new relationship is fast, I think, for him. How serious and slow he was with me doesn't match the quickness of his new relationship. He is obsessed with the classy, vintage red lipstick beauty types...This girl is your typical club girl, spray tan, bleach blonde, 5 inch heels kind of girl. Im sure she's a great person...but she is never, ever what hes ever dated, and I know that for a fact.

 

I really think, at the end of it all, he'll use her like he used me: to meet his own needs and no one elses.

First, taking your points in reverse order, you may want to consider that it was her who swept him off his feet, maybe because she likes him a lot, maybe for other reasons. There's no reason that you have to believe he pursued her; maybe he's just along for the whirlwind ride and couldn't say no. Does that sound more plausible?

 

Second, any way you want to slice it, you are overreacting to 3 months, but that said, if she's the driving force behind his new relationship, three months is surely believable.

[Blanco]

You will drive yourself batty trying to solve these questions that cannot be answered. When it comes to matters of the heart, throw logic out the window.

 

My ex was dating someone new within two months of me moving out. We were together for three years, and I helped raise her children for half of that. The guy was older, in the middle of a divorce from a very long marriage, and he had two children of his own. Initially, I tried to soothe myself by saying that all signs pointed to this being a rebound for both of them. And, in a sense, it was. But here's the thing about rebounds: Not all of them flame out right away.

 

It's seven months later, and as far as I know, they are still together. Now, there's no telling if the relationship will evolve into something more serious, such as cohabitation or marriage. But one thing is becoming increasingly more true with each passing week: Regardless of what happens, this is no longer a rebound relationship in the sense that a lot of people imagine when they think of the term. It's just a relationship.

 

Sure, it still bothers me if I let myself think too much about it. The thing is, I'm now viewing them still being together as a personal challenge to myself to attain a state of happiness despite it, instead of waiting for the relationship to fail and THEN be "happy."