Men and cuddling

[ManyDissapoint]

I really like cuddling but I cannot sleep when I have someone all up in my limbs. Maybe your BF is trying to get some shuteye?

[Got it]

OP - I think you are wasting so much mental and emotional time on this instead of just being upfront and honest and telling him, "hey I want to cuddle, put your arm around me!". Why aren't you comfortable asking for what you want? If you want to be successful in any relationship you need to know how to do this.

 

I am a female who only wants to cuddle at certain times. But other time hands off, I hate being touched. This is about getting to know each other so stop spending so much of it in your head and here and just lay it out for him.

 

And if you don't know how to address the issue you use "I" statements. I feel, I want, I perceive. And then listen to his response.

 

People, it is not only okay but very healthy to be able to ask for what you want.

[WomenWubber]

I love cuddling but sometimes I want to be able to pass air without fear of judgement.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm very affectionate, a hugger and a huge cuddler. Up until my most recent relationship, I've never been with a man who was any of those things. I spent 20 years with a man who was loving but not very affectionate (which is strange because he was Italian and most Italians, men in particular, are quite touchy-feely). I ended up spending years wondering what was wrong with ME for wanting to be physically close to these men in my life. After reading The 5 Love Languages, I realized that it is just one of the ways I associate love. Nothing broken about me after all.

 

Apart from my ex husband, I've never bothered to communicate my need for hugs or cuddles or anything to do with affection because so often there were other issues plaguing those relationships. It just seemed pointless. I knew pretty early on that they were expiration relationships.

 

I would agree with those who said you need to communicate your wants and needs to your partner. It probably doesn't even occur to him how important this is to you which is why you need to take some responsibility for how things are and let him know.

 

My more recent relationship was with a man who, like me, spent years with women who were not affectionate despite his desire for it. Needless to say that when we got together it felt like we hit the bloody jackpot! I think he out cuddled me most times Now that I've had a taste of that kind of compatibility, I'll never again settle for a relationship without it. You shouldn't either.

 

OP, I might suggest reading The 5 Love Languages. It's a very enlightening read and might help you with how to communicate your needs to your partner.

 

Good luck.

Edited October 19, 2015 by Michelle ma Belle

[newmoon]

i think it varies from person to person. i've somehow always dated post-sex cuddlers and i don't like it. i feel trapped and like i can't breathe. the guys were very 'sensitive' types though - not sure if the cuddling interest goes hand-in-hand with a softer male personality. but some will like it and some won't. i wouldn't take it as a sign of non-affection in any way, i'd just let him know that you really enjoy it, and that you'd like more of it. no big deal, don't go getting into a fight about it.

[rainrhonda]

i think it varies from person to person. i've somehow always dated post-sex cuddlers and i don't like it. i feel trapped and like i can't breathe. the guys were very 'sensitive' types though - not sure if the cuddling interest goes hand-in-hand with a softer male personality. but some will like it and some won't. i wouldn't take it as a sign of non-affection in any way, i'd just let him know that you really enjoy it, and that you'd like more of it. no big deal, don't go getting into a fight about it.

 

Yes a fight is not I wanted over this, and I didn't let it ruin our weekend. And today he sent a message thanking for a great weekend so I know he didn't intentionally hurt my feelings. I will just try to bring it up when the time feels right.

I was just thrown off because as our first time away and sleeping together, I had an expectation that he would embrace it more, as a special occasion perhaps. I think he did, just not in the same way I wanted to.

[jen1447]

Cuddling dynamics can be strange ....like personally I like to cuddle in general, and I like pre and post-sex cuddling, but I only like actually sleeping together in a bed with women specifically a lot of the time. (I've been known to bounce my BF out of the bed if he's pissing me off for whatever reason.) So it's possible the sleeping thing is just some quirk like that.

 

Like others have said, I'd really just ask him about it in a non-threatening, non-confrontational way sometime. And don't be afraid to make 'demands' - if he ultimately can't or won't provide the level of human contact you need, that's a significant compatibility issue and sth you want to know sooner rather than later.

[Shepp]

Cuddling on the sofa and cuddling in bed at night are actually pretty different.

I see the former more as an activity and the latter as a sleeping style.

 

 

I actually like to cuddle when I sleep, I actually really like that time just before sleep when its just us. I like feeling her breathing against my chest, I like the smell of her hair, I like sleeping that close. But i'm not very big on like PDA cuddling, i'm not that kinda guy at all. I'm not all over her in the day, if you met us you I doubt you'd think 'he's a touchy feely guy', but I am when I sleep.

 

 

Some people are the opposite, they'll have there hands all over her over dinner but they need space to sleep.

 

 

I don't think theres anything wrong with wither but if you and your partner aren't matching up then just speak up.

[pteromom]

My new BF is fairly affectionate with kissing, hand holding, etc. We just had our first weekend trip together. Also our first time with sex and sleeping in the same bed.

 

Friday night he wasn't feeling good with a headache. But we had sex twice. After the 2nd round he went to watch TV on the couch. I sat with him but it seemed he didn't really want me there. So I went back to bed and he slept on the couch. I was fumed and the next morning I left and went for a walk to think. I didn't want to start a fight because we still had a fun weekend of plans ahead. So I calmed and figured he just didn't feel good. I acted normal and we had a fun day of activities, and he was some what more affectionate, he did ask if something was wrong but I said no and kept smiling.

 

This stood out to me. A lot of assuming and figuring and guessing and lying. You have a communication problem.

 

Instead of seeming he doesn't want you there, ask him "Would you like a little time alone?"

 

Instead of figuring he didn't feel good, ASK him if he didn't feel good.

 

When he asks if something is wrong, SAY YES if there is something wrong.

 

You need to be willing to ask questions and be honest if you want a relationship.

 

As far as cuddling, I am not a guy, but I do not like cuddling while I am sleeping and really am not much of a cuddler at all. I need space.

 

Everyone is different, but one thing is certain - you won't get what you want if you won't tell him what that is. You can't just assume he feels the same way you feel about cuddling - or anything else.

[Xiomn]

I read the OP's post and my first thought was the OP is putting way too much thought into this, sounds a bit clingy and from what I can tell everything seems to be going well between you both. Surprised nobody else brought this up too.

 

My ex really loved to cuddle and I love cuddling too so sometimes we just lay there cuddling for ages.

 

At the moment I've been dating this girl for a month, we have spent a lot of time together, pretty intense and had sex numerous times now, in regards to cuddling though I always put my arm around her and so far she has never initiated or reciprocated a cuddle and I will admit it does annoy me a bit but from what you have said he seems very affectionate towards you and has cuddled you in the past before so I don't see what the problem is. I guess some people are just different.

Edited October 19, 2015 by Xiomn

[S_A]

OP, I don't know if this applies in your situation, but for me it can be really hard to cuddle with a woman for extended periods of time, especially when sleeping, because the woman tends to generate A LOT of heat. My last GF generated extreme amounts of heat. It was like spooning with a volcano. Sit her on an iceberg and she will melt that sucker down!

 

What's more is I tend to have a cold body (I don't feel cold though) so the woman wants to cuddle even more because I feel like "the cool side of a pillow".

 

It's funny because the woman (especially my ex) would warm me up really quick during cuddling. I am sure many of you are aware that when a guy's body is cold his balls sort of hang high and tight, and when the body is hot the balls hand low and loose. Well, within like 1 minute of cuddling with my ex I could feel my balls getting loose and wanting to sag (even though I was laying on my side) lol.

 

The point I am trying to make is that I love cuddling, but if the woman generates extreme amounts of heat, cuddling can turn from being something I love to something I have to endure lol. I have had to keep myself away from my ex on occasion because she just generated so much freaking heat (especially from her private area).

 

I did adjust though and whenever my ex and I slept together I would sleep above the sheets wearing only underwear. If I happened to wake up in the middle of the night freezing cold, it would serve as a great opportunity to get under the sheets and cuddle up

[rainrhonda]

Thanks for all the input. The topic is definitely various in preferences from person to person. I just need to learn more about his own preferences I guess, as well as being forward about my own.

Otherwise yes as mentioned by someone, things are generally going well with us and I am still happy. The biggy was after having sex with me the first time, he stayed on the couch. It made me feel used.

However I didn't "assume" he felt bad... He had been complaining of a headache and sinus problem that night. Sometimes people don't want to be touchy when they feel bad. So by the next morning I calmed down and realized this was a possibility. So I didn't "lie" when I said no to him.. By then I had made a decision to let it go for the sake of having a fun weekend. And we did. But I did still think about it later.

Again I was just thrown off because of how affectionate he's always been so far. Thought he would be a super cuddly guy at night. But, things don't always turn out the way we think, of course.

[alphamale]

I still wanna be as close as possible to my partner. I can't imagine sleeping on the far side of the bed, if a girl I'm attracted to is in the same bed.

nope, I have to be waaay on the other side

[preraph]

I have to say it isn't worth much to be cuddled if you have to instruct the man to do so. I have been overly cuddled before, though, and of course there can be many reasons for that and I imagine the reason is either you're not a touchy person OR you're really not feeling that affectionate. I think mine was the latter the time I felt over cuddled. Smothered. I think men feel that way more than women do. You have to find a man who is right for you, who even if he isn't a cuddler, makes you feel very loved and cared for at least.

[BikerAccnt]

Ding! Ding! Ding! There *was* something wrong but you didn't share it with him. He is not a mind reader and how-the-heck is he supposed to know that cuddling is important to you?

 

 

You will never know if you don't ask and communicate your needs and wants.

 

Do not ever do this! It's what's causing all the problems in my relationship. my GF (soon to be ex most likely) just won't talk to me! If something is bothering you, for gods sake tell us. Don't hold it in, let it fester, then let it bubble out passive-aggressively.

 

That's what's happening in my R, and it's killing it.