rainrhonda Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 My new BF is fairly affectionate with kissing, hand holding, etc. We just had our first weekend trip together. Also our first time with sex and sleeping in the same bed. Friday night he wasn't feeling good with a headache. But we had sex twice. After the 2nd round he went to watch TV on the couch. I sat with him but it seemed he didn't really want me there. So I went back to bed and he slept on the couch. I was fumed and the next morning I left and went for a walk to think. I didn't want to start a fight because we still had a fun weekend of plans ahead. So I calmed and figured he just didn't feel good. I acted normal and we had a fun day of activities, and he was some what more affectionate, he did ask if something was wrong but I said no and kept smiling. Later that day we took a long nap and he cuddled me with his arms around me. Then we had great sex. Then went out to dinner. After, we stayed up late relaxing by the fireplace. At bed time, he stayed on the other side of the bed and had nothing to do with cuddling. He didn't still feel bad, we were exhausted though. I don't get it. Should I take this personally or chalk it up to the basic reasons why men don't always like to cuddle... Like they are just tired or don't feel well? He was all about it when taking a nap, but no other time. Could it be that he just prefers the cuddling before sex and not after?
preraph Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I would venture to generalize and say that most men cuddle because they want sex. Once they have sex, only a few of them are still interested in cuddling -- very few, in my experience. Not to say most of them aren't happy enough with you under their arm on the couch watching tv even though you've already had sex. It's a little hardcore to be that standoffish that you can't even sit close, so I'd be wary of that. He probably isn't really that interested in you as a person if he is resisting even just sitting together at home alone. Now, lots of people don't like to do that in public, however.
Author rainrhonda Posted October 18, 2015 Author Posted October 18, 2015 I would venture to generalize and say that most men cuddle because they want sex. Once they have sex, only a few of them are still interested in cuddling -- very few, in my experience. Not to say most of them aren't happy enough with you under their arm on the couch watching tv even though you've already had sex. It's a little hardcore to be that standoffish that you can't even sit close, so I'd be wary of that. He probably isn't really that interested in you as a person if he is resisting even just sitting together at home alone. Now, lots of people don't like to do that in public, however. Normally if he comes over we sit very close when we watch tv. This night in particular it wasn't as though he gave me a silent treatment and we still had conversation, there was just no affection from him and he never came back to bed. Again, he didn't feel well that day either. Next night he slept in bed and he did scoot closer at one point, but he wasn't very affectionate, again. Up until this point of dating he's been pretty touchy/feely and affectionate both at home and in public.
Got it Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I would address it with him and tell him what you are wanting. He may not realize that anything is off and may be more than happy to oblige. 1
alphamale Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 for men cuddling is just another activity, much like going to the bathroom 1
CarrieT Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I sat with him but it seemed he didn't really want me there. So I went back to bed and he slept on the couch. I was fumed and the next morning I left and went for a walk to think. I didn't want to start a fight because we still had a fun weekend of plans ahead. So I calmed and figured he just didn't feel good. I acted normal and we had a fun day of activities, and he was some what more affectionate, he did ask if something was wrong but I said no and kept smiling. Ding! Ding! Ding! There *was* something wrong but you didn't share it with him. He is not a mind reader and how-the-heck is he supposed to know that cuddling is important to you? I don't get it. Should I take this personally or chalk it up to the basic reasons why men don't always like to cuddle... Like they are just tired or don't feel well? He was all about it when taking a nap, but no other time. Could it be that he just prefers the cuddling before sex and not after? You will never know if you don't ask and communicate your needs and wants. 8
Author rainrhonda Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 By that point when he asked, we were having a fun day and I was just about over it by then. It was after this when we returned to our cabin for a nap and he was very cuddly for that. But later that night he was mostly distant again in bed. (no sex that time, but we had been talking/holding hands on the couch before bed). So the 2nd day in general went better than the first night. I just wonder, do men just have their random times of when they want to cuddle, or when they don't?
d0nnivain Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Unlike the movies, first times aren't always magical. It actually takes time & communication to make it special. You should have told him you preferred more cuddling. If you don't tell him, he won't know. You cannot expect him to read your mind & then get mad at him when he doesn't. That is not fair. When we 1st started dating DH & I talked about the expectations. Fortuitously, neither of us are big cuddlers while sleeping but we will spend a few minutes snuggling before drifting off & in the morning when the alarm goes off, those 9 minutes after someone hits snooze are our morning snuggle. You have to tell him what you prefer. Even the most hard-hearted non-tactile man will understand that if he wants more sex, he needs to cuddle at least a little.
Frank2thepoint Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Could it be that he just prefers the cuddling before sex and not after? From your story it seems like it's the case. You should broach the topic and have discussion with him. If he is really your boyfriend, then you should be able to talk with him about it. Communication is very important in a relationship. I just wonder, do men just have their random times of when they want to cuddle, or when they don't? I can only speak for myself, not for other men, but I'm an unusual breed that really enjoys cuddling and canoodling with a woman. Regardless if there is sex involved or not. There isn't a random time or schedule when I want to cuddle. I love to hold a woman whenever we would be physically together. Cuddling immediately after sex is actually really great because the both of us can get a quick nap in. But that's how I am personally. 3
basil67 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I don't think it's necessarily a male thing. I'm a woman and very much need my own space to sleep. Sure, I love a snuggle before we go to sleep, but when I'm ready to sleep, I roll away. If it's after sex and he's left me totally exhausted and feeling nicely hazy, I want my own space then too. Talk about your needs and find out about his. Find compromise. 2
Clarence_Boddicker Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I love cuddling, even if sex isn't involved. I rock in my sleep, so cuddling while asleep doesn't always work. I still wanna be as close as possible to my partner. I can't imagine sleeping on the far side of the bed, if a girl I'm attracted to is in the same bed. 3
xxoo Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I just wonder, do men just have their random times of when they want to cuddle, or when they don't? Not just men. Women do, too. Just talk to him. Sometimes people feel "touched out" and just want a foot of space. Sometimes we're too hot or feel bloated, or just want to have a whole seat to ourselves. Taking relationship out of it altogether, sometimes I tell my dog to go lay elsewhere instead of cuddling with me on the couch cause I'm just annoyed by touch at the moment, and I'm a woman 4
Author rainrhonda Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 I love cuddling, even if sex isn't involved. I rock in my sleep, so cuddling while asleep doesn't always work. I still wanna be as close as possible to my partner. I can't imagine sleeping on the far side of the bed, if a girl I'm attracted to is in the same bed. This is how I hoped he would be. But I guess not everyone is, and need their space even if she is attractive.
lana-banana Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I'm not much of a cuddler, but my boyfriend loves to cuddle all the time---before sex, after sex, while watching movies, etc. It's not as simple as a "man thing" or "woman thing". As others have suggested, you'll have to communicate your needs to him if you aren't satisfied. Even great compatibility doesn't extend to mind-reading. 1
Author rainrhonda Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 It isn't that I wanted him to read my mind, I made a choice to get over it.. And felt our cuddle session during the day nap basically made up for it anyway. I was thrown off again however the 2nd night when he stayed on the other side of the bed and just crashed. Now this morning, he did pull me close to him as though to hug, for a minute then he went to start his coffee and wake up for the day. So it's just kindof back and forth with him and starting to think its nothing to worry about... At the same time I need to find the words to explain how I feel about it in terms of post sex... Without it sounding like accusation that he is using me... And that is kindof how it made me feel.
xxoo Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 "I like to cuddle after sex. It makes me feel __________. I feel let down when you sleep across the bed after sex. How do you feel about snuggling to sleep?" And then listen. Early in our relationship, my H hated cuddling to sleep. He was used to sleeping alone and my body against him prevented him from falling asleep. Over they years, he's grown to like it. But it was never about lack of attraction or feelings for me. 1
anduina Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 If it's important to you, ask him to cuddle. My ex wasn't a cuddler and I felt awful when he would roll over and fall asleep. My now b/f is a cuddler and I feel loved and precious to him.
Author rainrhonda Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 If it's important to you, ask him to cuddle. My ex wasn't a cuddler and I felt awful when he would roll over and fall asleep. My now b/f is a cuddler and I feel loved and precious to him. This would be difficult for me to do if it's a moment that I feel he is in a distant place. I fear seeming too needy with asking at that time. I feel more comfortable with the idea of bringing this up during conversation while not in bed. I wanted to do this but, being just after the fact I didn't know how to word things. Now I'm able to think that over while away from him, and just hope it feels right to say at some point when I see him next.
anduina Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 This would be difficult for me to do if it's a moment that I feel he is in a distant place. I fear seeming too needy with asking at that time. I feel more comfortable with the idea of bringing this up during conversation while not in bed. I wanted to do this but, being just after the fact I didn't know how to word things. Now I'm able to think that over while away from him, and just hope it feels right to say at some point when I see him next.That makes sense. Guys can be weird about stuff they see as neediness. Maybe the next time you're in bed, you could cuddle him and say that you like cuddling afterwards?
LostOnes05 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I'm a guy and I love having my arms wrapped around the woman I'm with as we go to sleep. It's an awesome feeling. 2
Author rainrhonda Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 That makes sense. Guys can be weird about stuff they see as neediness. Maybe the next time you're in bed, you could cuddle him and say that you like cuddling afterwards? Thought about that last night, but when he is laying on his stomach across the bed I can't exactly cuddle myself onto him. At one point he got closer to me, so I put my arm on his chest but he was out cold and probably didn't even notice. . Lol.. Last night he also didn't even offer up a good night kiss... I asked for that and he reciprocated but quickly and then positioned himself on the opposite side of the bed. This was not after sex but after a full day together, and after sitting close on the couch, holding hands and talking, watching tv. So it just seems his affection or desire to be close is very back and forth. It raised concern about being together a whole weekend and maybe he was feeling it's too much. I joked if I was getting on his nerves last night, but he responded NO to that without hesitation. When he brought me home today, said it was a good weekend and we should do that again sometime (as in go on a trip). So I'm no longer feeling insecure about him leaving me... But guess I will have to find a way to address these things that make me feel unwanted.
Guyouthere Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Ill give it to you as a guy who loves to cuddle and is very physical with a woman (in a good way). I am very "touch oriented". What I mean is that I love to be in contact with my lady. I mean, holding hands, rubbing her arm, back, etc. I just enjoy it a lot. Sex is great. yes, but too me, cuddling and that kind of interaction is just as good or even better in ways (lasts longer too). Cuddling, I would do it anytime, no excuse not to. Pre sex, post sex, I do it each chance I can. I know the lady loves it too, and she would never have to ask me for it, ever. I recently went to England to see someone for the first time. I cuddled with her all night one night. I know she liked it, said I was very warm and I am also a tall guy and she is shorter too, so holding her was like a big bear. So, don't say all guys don't like to, or need to be asked to, because to me at least, it is natural and normal.
kilgore Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Ding! Ding! Ding! There *was* something wrong but you didn't share it with him. He is not a mind reader and how-the-heck is he supposed to know that cuddling is important to you? You will never know if you don't ask and communicate your needs and wants. That makes a lot more sense rather than turning this into a state of emergency
Els Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 On the one hand, I'm a girl and I think it's normal to not want to cuddle ALL the time. So I wouldn't necessarily say that your guy 'doesn't like cuddling', since it sounds to me like you cuddled plenty over the weekend. On the other hand, if he ONLY cuddles before sex and NEVER wants to have anything at all to do with you after, I wouldn't like that too much either. So I think you should talk about things, not in a "why don't you like to cuddle me???? :(" way but more of "I'd love to cuddle a bit after sex". And see if you can work out a compromise.
Shining One Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 OP, try lowering the temperature in the room. I get warm during and after sex, so I don't like to cuddle immediately after unless the room is really cold.
Recommended Posts