Am I crazy or is he - after a one night stand. Part II

[edgygirl]

And that's where the problem started.

 

9 out of 10 times if you have a ONS, that's it, it won't go anywhere. And even worse, usually the woman gets emotionally attached and the guy pulls back.

 

Of course he seemed "happy". Men are always happy to get sex, specially without any commitment.

 

Sorry this happened to you. We all learn this lesson the hard way it seems.

 

I had a wonderful one night stand with a guy about three weeks ago. He seemed happy too.

[edgygirl]

How old are you and how experienced?

 

Because people poofing and ghosting after they said the nicest things to a woman/man is the most common thing these days. If you don't know that you're either inexperienced or live in another planet.

 

You were not fooled. This is normal these days. Not pleasant. But normal.

 

I think I am upset because I misjudged the situation so much. I really didn't expect to be fooled like that. Normally I can see exactly what a guy is after. I am very shocked at how badly I read things.

 

I didn't think I was such a poor judge and I've never had a situation like this before - and it's not like I don't have plenty of experience.

 

Having confidence in your ability to judge a situation is important for me and I'd imagine for most people? But this has shattered my confidence - I keep shaking my head in disbelief that I got it so wrong......

 

I never got anything so wrong in my life!

Edited September 3, 2015 by edgygirl

[siriusp]

I have plenty of experience. It was how happy he seemed with me before sex came into it. He spent the day and night telling me very intimate details of his life - or so I thought. Now I doubt everything and think it was all a lie.

 

I have had many ONS without any issues. I don't believe I've ever been lied to on this scale before - or if I was - I was not fooled.

 

I felt for him because I thought he was genuinely opening up and being honest - I never felt so connected to someone. I was completely wrong of course. It was all a lie. I realise now that not only did he lie about coming to visit but about several other things - I now believe the entire day and night was all lies. I believed he was kind and honest.

 

He is probably having a good laugh with his friends about all the lies he told me to sleep with me. Whatever.

 

 

I know men do these things and normally I am not so easily fooled. I realise now that I got played and very well played - and that is why I feel angry and stupid. It never happened to me like this before.

 

 

It is normal that I find it upsetting. I made a mistake and I will not make it again.

 

I tend to see the good in people and I'm honest so I don't see why people have to lie - I wouldn't do that to someone else so I find it hard to imagine them doing it to me. That's all.

 

Only when he went silent and didn't visit me did I question the time we spent together - then I began to realise - it was all lies. Everything. I opened up to a liar. I made a mistake. That's it.

 

 

And when you say - I must be on another planet - that is how I felt recently - when I realised that he fooled me so completely. I felt like a complete idiot and out of touch with reality. Nobody deceived me to that extent and it hurt. It's that simple.

Edited September 3, 2015 by siriusp

[Dolfin80]

 

I felt for him because I thought he was genuinely opening up and being honest - I never felt so connected to someone. I was completely wrong of course. It was all a lie.

 

And when you say - I must be on another planet - that is how I felt recently - when I realised that he fooled me so completely. I felt like a complete idiot and out of touch with reality. Nobody deceived me to that extent and it hurt. It's that simple.

 

The first time this happens you find it hard to believe. But this will actually happen to you several times in your lifetime. You will be deceived.

 

I was travelling thro Peru recently and fell for a Peruvian man. He was my tour leader whilst I trekked the Inca Trail. He spent 4 days with me, doing the hike. Then I went to the Amazon jungle and he went back to work hiking another trail. After I got back we went out for dinner and it was wonderful. We started to plan a future together, I said I will sponsor his VISA to come see me in Aust. He asked if there was plenty of work in Aust, I said yes and I have a good job and I own my own apartment so I can support you until you get on your feet.

 

I travelled into Bolivia for 2 weeks then flew back to Aust. He went back to work. He sent me several messages telling me he misses me and he wished he was with me.

 

I then returned to Aust and he contacted me telling me saying he misses me soooooo much and that he is sorry but he is working hard so he has no time to talk. I then said I want to talk to you on the phone. Well he hasn't replied to me since.

 

He disappeared like a ghost......lol.......

 

So yeah that ended quickly.......lol.......

 

I know he is still alive cause tourists have been tagging him in FB.

 

So this happens all the time.

[siriusp]

How old are you and how experienced?

 

Because people poofing and ghosting after they said the nicest things to a woman/man is the most common thing these days. If you don't know that you're either inexperienced or live in another planet.

 

You were not fooled. This is normal these days. Not pleasant. But normal.

 

What a sad and ugly world it is - when it is 'normal' for people to tell each other a pack of lies and to have no regard or respect for their feelings or time. I wouldn't dream of doing that to anybody - even if I didn't like them - because I wouldn't want to behave like that.

 

If that is normal then that is very sad indeed.

 

 

What irony - I liked him because I thought he was honest (different)!

Edited September 3, 2015 by siriusp

[Dolfin80]

What a sad and ugly world it is - when it is 'normal' for people to tell each other a pack of lies and to have no regard or respect for their feelings or time. I wouldn't dream of doing that to anybody - even if I didn't like them - because I wouldn't want to behave like that.

 

If that is normal then that is very sad indeed.

 

 

What irony - I liked him because I thought he was honest (different)!

 

The good thing is not all people behave like this, only some. And once you know how bad they behave you can cut them off at the knees and protect yourself.

[siriusp]

That telling lies and being deceptive is acceptable makes me sick. I feel angry when I think it is considered 'normal'.....

 

Maybe we should start telling them it is not acceptable or normal to lie and deceive and waste peoples time?

[siriusp]

Even though it is obvious that he has lied - I still can't seem to get some part of my brain to accept the reality. He was so convincing!

[siriusp]

I am starting to think I will send him a mail before I block him and tell him - it is not ok or acceptable to make plans with someone that they have no intention of keeping. Why should I not tell him? Why should we not teach men/women how to treat us? I will never see him again so it doesn't matter but why not give him that piece of information before I go?

[Vyliss]

Having read this thread again more carefully, I have something new to add.

 

You said HE was the one to last send you a message and you didn't say anything since.

 

Maybe he's the one looking to see if you'd contact him, and because you didn't, it has put doubt into his mind.

 

I don't think a guy would spend 20 hours talking to girl, telling her intimate details about his life, just to get sex and poof disappear.

 

Also, I think the fact you made the first move on him could be what is adding to his doubt. He prob feels if you could do that to him, how many other guys have you done that with?

 

Just put yourself in the guy's shoes, I bet he did feel a genuine connection BUT the distance has him doubting whether things would work, also because he wants to avoid the possibility of hurting you or getting hurt himself in the future.

 

Personally, my advice before freaking out, jumping to conclusions and assuming all guys are dicks and liars who just want sex, is just send him a simple, non threatening message.

 

Something like, "Hey, how are you doing? :)"

 

Put smiley face in there to let him know you are OK with that fact he didn't follow through with his word and you are still cool with it (cos you still like him and can't stop thinking about him).

 

If he doesn't respond to this one, then you can truly move on knowing you've done all you could and this guy simply lost interest.

 

The worse thing is still feeling this genuine connection and not having a real "conclusion". It's all just speculations at this point.

 

Also be careful you don't link up that guys will just lie to get in your pants, although this is true, you need to follow your gut, if you feel he's genuine, he probably is, or else you may just lose out on someone good.

[siriusp]

Having read this thread again more carefully, I have something new to add.

 

You said HE was the one to last send you a message and you didn't say anything since.

 

Maybe he's the one looking to see if you'd contact him, and because you didn't, it has put doubt into his mind.

 

I don't think a guy would spend 20 hours talking to girl, telling her intimate details about his life, just to get sex and poof disappear.

 

Also, I think the fact you made the first move on him could be what is adding to his doubt. He prob feels if you could do that to him, how many other guys have you done that with?

 

Just put yourself in the guy's shoes, I bet he did feel a genuine connection BUT the distance has him doubting whether things would work, also because he wants to avoid the possibility of hurting you or getting hurt himself in the future.

 

Personally, my advice before freaking out, jumping to conclusions and assuming all guys are dicks and liars who just want sex, is just send him a simple, non threatening message.

 

Something like, "Hey, how are you doing? :)"

 

Put smiley face in there to let him know you are OK with that fact he didn't follow through with his word and you are still cool with it (cos you still like him and can't stop thinking about him).

 

If he doesn't respond to this one, then you can truly move on knowing you've done all you could and this guy simply lost interest.

 

The worse thing is still feeling this genuine connection and not having a real "conclusion". It's all just speculations at this point.

 

Also be careful you don't link up that guys will just lie to get in your pants, although this is true, you need to follow your gut, if you feel he's genuine, he probably is, or else you may just lose out on someone good.

 

What a really nice and thoughtful post. I really appreciate it. I am going to be offline for a couple of days and I am going to take that time to think what I want to do............. I do like your idea with the smiley... (he uses them alot)! I will let you know what happens.

[Redhead14]

Having read this thread again more carefully, I have something new to add.

 

You said HE was the one to last send you a message and you didn't say anything since.

 

Maybe he's the one looking to see if you'd contact him, and because you didn't, it has put doubt into his mind.

 

I don't think a guy would spend 20 hours talking to girl, telling her intimate details about his life, just to get sex and poof disappear.

 

Also, I think the fact you made the first move on him could be what is adding to his doubt. He prob feels if you could do that to him, how many other guys have you done that with?

 

Just put yourself in the guy's shoes, I bet he did feel a genuine connection BUT the distance has him doubting whether things would work, also because he wants to avoid the possibility of hurting you or getting hurt himself in the future.

 

Personally, my advice before freaking out, jumping to conclusions and assuming all guys are dicks and liars who just want sex, is just send him a simple, non threatening message.

 

Something like, "Hey, how are you doing? :)"

 

Put smiley face in there to let him know you are OK with that fact he didn't follow through with his word and you are still cool with it (cos you still like him and can't stop thinking about him).

 

If he doesn't respond to this one, then you can truly move on knowing you've done all you could and this guy simply lost interest.

 

The worse thing is still feeling this genuine connection and not having a real "conclusion". It's all just speculations at this point.

 

Also be careful you don't link up that guys will just lie to get in your pants, although this is true, you need to follow your gut, if you feel he's genuine, he probably is, or else you may just lose out on someone good.

 

jumping to conclusions and assuming all guys are dicks and liars who just want sex -- In this case, we aren't jumping to conclusions. Based on this specific guy, his behavior is at best mixed. In addition, if this guy was really so enamored with her as to want to fly to see her a week later and spend that kind of money, he would have been in touch with her -- the minute he landed, the next day and the day after that in some way -- call or text at the very least.

 

A person doesn't say something that "serious" and not follow through unless he's stringing her along for a time when he is actually in her area. And, if he were doing that even, he'd keep in better touch anyway. Since he's not, I think he just plain lied. If she reaches out to him, she's playing right into that scenario. Since she doesn't know what's what, she should wait it out. It will be interesting to see how this plays out if she contacted him.

 

And, if she contacts him and he throws more breadcrumbs at her to keep her interested enough, she will still be wondering if he's just being nice to appease her or if he would have really contacted her himself because he really wanted to.

[siriusp]

So I decided to take the advice from Vyliss and see what happened.

 

I wrote him a message - very casually saying 'hey what happened to you? are you not coming to visit after all'? (with smiley)!

 

He responded immediately and apologised.... he said he got stuck in the country we met and had some issues. He continued to talk all day.... how much he missed me and wished I was there and asked if I was still interested in the plans we had made before.... and on and on....

 

He downloaded a chat that I use - he got my number and contacted me on Whatsapp and and took my email addres.... he said he'd love to come and visit me and would be able to let me know when he got back to his home country - (like he said before).

 

He went on about how happy he was to hear from me and that I was being more like I was the night/day we met and spent together... making jokes etc.

 

He continued to message me all day - even though I couldn't always respond - as I was going to the airport and busy with several things.... The last thing he said was that he was even more eager to see me the more we talked.

 

He said many nice things and it was a very pleasant and satisfying conversation. I felt happy...... like I wasn't crazy and I didn't imagine everything!

 

The following day (yesterday) in the evening - I sent him a message - 'how are you doing today?'

 

......and then nothing. Just silence. I could see that he was on Whatsapp and facebook through out the day.

 

By the time I went to bed last night - I could see that he is just playing games. I do not want someone like that in my life. I don't have the time for it. I feel relieved and I feel that I have closure and questions answered. I am fine with myself and feeling very strong because I know that no matter how much I liked him in other ways - I will never put up with that kind of behavior.

 

I am very grateful to Vyliss for the suggestion because it really helped me to see clearly and find out what was real and not! I don't have the horrible confusion anymore. It is a bit disappointing in a way but good in another way - I will not let anybody waste my time.

 

And Redhead - it seems you were right too! Having talked to him for such a long time - I began to get the feeling that he was after something more than sex..... but not necessarily me! I think he wants something from me - although I am not sure what exactly that might have been - it's just a feeling. He seemed so eager to stay in touch - and I think he believes he 'has me' and that I will be there when he wants/needs!

 

Well.... he might get a little surprise when I'm not!

 

I do not know if he will contact me again or not (I have a feeling he will) but after the silence yesterday - I don't really care anymore and that's great.

 

Thank you both for your comments and thoughts. Coming on to loveshack helped me enormously.

Edited September 5, 2015 by siriusp

[siriusp]

I think deep down I thought he would write back - but he didn't. It seems he is not at all interested. I don't know why all of this is affecting me so much. I was very happy when we were chatting. My mood keeps changing. I need to know what to do to forget about him......

 

 

The thoughts are so intrusive...... it's like he is living in my brain. (What's left of it)....

[jen1447]

It's just affecting you bc you made some involuntary emotional investment in him, that's all. It happens - sex is an inherently emotional thing, so when you have it there's always a chance some seed of attachment will be planted. It can be totally irrational or not, doesn't really matter bc emotions have a mind of their own and they're hard to control rationally.

 

Um ....do you have any other hookup material available? Pushing him to the backburner could help.

[Redhead14]

I think deep down I thought he would write back - but he didn't. It seems he is not at all interested. I don't know why all of this is affecting me so much. I was very happy when we were chatting. My mood keeps changing. I need to know what to do to forget about him......

 

 

The thoughts are so intrusive...... it's like he is living in my brain. (What's left of it)....

 

Any man that causes you to have all this stress and worry, isn't worth thinking about.

[siriusp]

It's true what you say about the sex. I never had sex like that before.... and I keep thinking about it. Over and over. I have decided that every time it comes to mind I will force myself to think about something else.

[jen1447]

It's true what you say about the sex. I never had sex like that before.... and I keep thinking about it. Over and over. I have decided that every time it comes to mind I will force myself to think about something else.

 

Ok so it was great sex ....that makes even more sense. We tend to want to bond and nest when it's great, because instincts, etc.

 

I don't think avoidance is a good idea, just bc all that does is save the problem for later. You need to deal and process it, not repress it.

 

Sorry if this seems crude at all, but sth I'd consider trying if I were you is 'masturbating him out of your system' so to speak. It may or may not work, but it could be worth a try.

[siriusp]

Ok so it was great sex ....that makes even more sense. We tend to want to bond and nest when it's great, because instincts, etc.

 

I don't think avoidance is a good idea, just bc all that does is save the problem for later. You need to deal and process it, not repress it.

 

Sorry if this seems crude at all, but sth I'd consider trying if I were you is 'masturbating him out of your system' so to speak. It may or may not work, but it could be worth a try.

 

LOL.... thanks for the suggestion but I don't think that would work for me!

 

Why do you not think avoidance is a good idea?

[jen1447]

LOL.... thanks for the suggestion but I don't think that would work for me!

 

Why do you not think avoidance is a good idea?

 

It's just a basic psychological principle that it's unhealthy. When something bad happens, the mind needs to eventually accept it in order to move on. When you avoid sth or put it out of your mind, you're not allowing acceptance to happen, you're just avoiding the problem. That means it will hang around for as long as you choose to avoid it, which will probably be much longer than if you just dealt with it initially.

 

Think about when ppl have major psychological trauma (death of a loved one or sth along those lines) and have to seek treatment ....the doctor will never just say "don't think about it and it'll go away," they make you think about it and ask and answer questions and all that good stuff so that you can process and move on properly. This probably doesn't rise to that level for you but it is significant enough that you brought it here, so it should be dealt with in the proper way too.

 

This guy was never more than a very short term thing for you so may really have nothing to lose - why not just send him a nasty e-mail where you clear the air and purge all the angry thoughts from your mind? That would be one way of processing, and who really cares if he takes it poorly or not - he's just a ONS in the end anyway.

[siriusp]

It's just a basic psychological principle that it's unhealthy. When something bad happens, the mind needs to eventually accept it in order to move on. When you avoid sth or put it out of your mind, you're not allowing acceptance to happen, you're just avoiding the problem. That means it will hang around for as long as you choose to avoid it, which will probably be much longer than if you just dealt with it initially.

 

Think about when ppl have major psychological trauma (death of a loved one or sth along those lines) and have to seek treatment ....the doctor will never just say "don't think about it and it'll go away," they make you think about it and ask and answer questions and all that good stuff so that you can process and move on properly. This probably doesn't rise to that level for you but it is significant enough that you brought it here, so it should be dealt with in the proper way too.

 

This guy was never more than a very short term thing for you so may really have nothing to lose - why not just send him a nasty e-mail where you clear the air and purge all the angry thoughts from your mind? That would be one way of processing, and who really cares if he takes it poorly or not - he's just a ONS in the end anyway.

 

That is interesting.... I suppose I have, more or less, accepted it now and that is why I have been feeling miserable. I had considered sending the nasty email but I don't want to be that person. I think you are right about accepting it (going through the hard part) and then moving on.

 

It was just confusing by his behavior. Now I just think - well that's enough time wasted on someone that couldn't be bothered. I am not desperate!

 

Thank you for all your input.

[siriusp]

So almost four weeks later - I get a message: hello.... so I write back - hi how are you?

 

And shock of all shocks - he never wrote back!! lol

[Nemetona]

I had a wonderful one night stand with a guy about three weeks ago. He seemed happy too. Since then I wrote him a message telling him it was nice to meet him and if he is ever in my country he can let me know.... nothing too serious. He responded that he could come the following week for a few days. I was surprised but happy. Since then no communication.

 

Am I crazy? I can't stop thinking about him. I know he is on fb but he is not sending me any messages. I am so confused. Why tell me he more than liked me and wanted to visit and then ignore me?

 

I don't know how to stop thinking about him. I have work to do and he keeps invading my mind. If anybody has any suggestions?

 

He didn't tell you he 'more than liked' you?

[siriusp]

He didn't tell you he 'more than liked' you?

 

? I don't really understand your question...

[martaldn]

he wants a casual thing with you and it is pretty clear by the way he is texting..on/off like a casual thing must be.

however you are too invested and because you have spent 1 day chatting with him, you are expecting this to happen on daily basis.

you have 2 options

accept it and enjoy the time you could possible spend with him WITHOUT expectations.

leave it and walk away before you get hurt.

 

casual relationships are not for everyone