William Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Moderation merged two threads on a similar topic so please continue the discussion on this topic here. Thanks!
Leigh 87 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 I'll tell you about my one night stand. He told me he'd make the effort for me because he hasn't felt w connection before the way he had felt with me. Of course, I didn't just blindly believe him because it is a classic player thing to say. But he did make the effort. Despite only having met me once, and living opposite ends of the country from me, he initiated calls and texts daily. I have loads of frequent flyer miles from my travels and flew to visit him two weeks later. I know it was crazy. He bought me a beautiful necklace for my birthday and he spoilt and pampered me the entire trip. Sadly, we broke it off after because long distance isn't feasible and I was so nervous I just couldn't be myself around him. He regretted his decision months later. He flew over to see me. I initially turned him down so he had to go and stay with his sister instead. Tomorrow night he's fying me over to see him. So although he called and texted daily at the start, he hasn't since we were " together ". After we first met and be flew home the following day, a few days later he asked me if we were " together " or not. He said that's what he wanted. That's my story of my one night stand. Maybe he'll stay a one night stand and nothing will ever come of it.
Leigh 87 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Never ever trust what a one night stand says. Always remember they are almost always going to tell you what you want to hear in order to get laid. Make him show you consistently that his actions indicate that he likes you and perhaps wants more.. After my one night stand broke it off with me I got over it by... Well, dating other people and moving on with my life..it's only recent that all the feelings have come flooding back. But make no mistake, I was out dating and not pining over him in the meanwhile. I acknowledged that I had felt a connection, a great connection, but he clearly didn't feel the same hence him dumping me..... and I felt way too good to sit around feeling crappy over a man that didn't want me when plenty of decent men do show they want me regularly. I really moved on and blocked feelings for this one night stand out. In fact, I was so busy dating and enjoy an active spoils life that when my one night stand surprised me with a ticket over here to see me, I was cold and blocked him out and I didn't suddenly " give in " to my feelings at all.It is only now, after he's paid to see me for a second time, that I am starting to believe well, he either sees me as a less expensive escort that he can see now and again, or.... Alternatively, he may even be serious when he tells me he has major feelings for me and wants to give it a propper go with me despite the distance. Never believe what a man says. Especially a man who shags you first night. I still don't fully trust this man because he WAS just a One night stand.
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) Hi Red, I meant that as some men are quick to judge normal fears as needy. I do understand that clinging desperately and showing neediness is something a person needs to work on within themselves and not employ onto a new guy! I am a strong woman who at times may have reservations and doubts and it is far from neediness and in essence it is truly doubt. It is something I am figuring out for myself and hopefully will learn from new experiences. When a woman has reservations/doubts about a man in a new dating scenario, it is based on a need for reassurance. Women often need constant reassurance. If its early in the scenario, and the guy does one little thing that's just off in someway, the woman starts spinning and projecting into it based on fears that may or may not be valid in this particular situation instead of simply sitting back and observing what comes her way from him. Doing this is about neediness -- need for reassurance, confirmation, definitiveness, they want a crystal ball view of what's possibly coming. "I gotta know right now, before we go any further . . . do ya love me, will ya never leave me . . ." Meatloaf some men are quick to judge normal fears as needy -- They are quick to judge because that's what they've experienced so often and basically doing the same thing a woman does, projecting, spinning, etc. Edited September 2, 2015 by Redhead14
Celeste.Carol Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 When a woman has reservations/doubts about a man in a new dating scenario, it is based on a need for reassurance. Women often need constant reassurance. If its early in the scenario, and the guy does one little thing that's just off in someway, the woman starts spinning and projecting into it based on fears that may or may not be valid in this particular situation instead of simply sitting back and observing what comes her way from him. Doing this is about neediness -- need for reassurance, confirmation, definitiveness, they want a crystal ball view of what's possibly coming. "I gotta know right now, before we go any further . . . do ya love me, will ya never leave me . . ." Meatloaf some men are quick to judge normal fears as needy -- They are quick to judge because that's what they've experienced so often and basically doing the same thing a woman does, projecting, spinning, etc. You are right Red but do you believe their are shades of doubt some being much more exclusively needy than other shades. I had reservations and doubts with my night of passion and sparks....I really thought I ruined it, but he is back and initiating contact. And yes I did the projecting and spinning... He said he Really Really liked me and I failed to see this. So yes you are wise it was all within myself and the fact I never slept with a man on the first date but the chemistry was off the chain the entire night from Hello. Thank you for all your energy and advice, it helped.
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 You are right Red but do you believe their are shades of doubt some being much more exclusively needy than other shades. I had reservations and doubts with my night of passion and sparks....I really thought I ruined it, but he is back and initiating contact. And yes I did the projecting and spinning... He said he Really Really liked me and I failed to see this. So yes you are wise it was all within myself and the fact I never slept with a man on the first date but the chemistry was off the chain the entire night from Hello. Thank you for all your energy and advice, it helped. I really thought I ruined it -- That . . . right there -- automatic activation of a negative thinking process. Try not to do that to yourself Instead, you should say to yourself "hey, that was wonderful. I feel good. I hope he calls again" and leave it there. Leave yourself with the positive effects of the experience because at that moment that's what you actually KNOW about the situation. The rest is guessing, mind-reading and exhausting 1
Author siriusp Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) It is very interesting to read all the responses and I am very grateful for them. The funny thing is that I will have a couple of one night stands per year - maybe and I have never had any real problems. I had a great time with him but expected nothing. Not even a call. What made me angry is the fact HE said he would visit me next week (he said that last week). He lives five hours away by plane. He has no reason to come here except to visit me. Why tell me he is going to visit me when he has no intention of it? The mixed messages (actions vs words) are what started me thinking. I really liked him and I misread the situation. I didn't think he was just after sex. After spending the day together - I made the first move - not him. I felt he was different. But I realise now that I made a mistake. He conned me. And he conned me well. The twenty hour talk about everything was all bs to have sex...... I really didn't think he had any interest in sleeping with me. We were having such intense conversations that it didn't come into my mind. That happened much later.... Edited September 2, 2015 by siriusp
Author siriusp Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 Also..... I will not do it..............but part of me feels like writing to him to congratulate him on how well he deceived me. I honestly don't think I've ever been so fooled in my life. I really thought he wanted to come and see me. I would never tell someone I am going to (fly half way around the world) to see them - if I had no intention of it. Especially if I liked them and had a nice time with them. It's ridiculous.
losangelena Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Also..... I will not do it..............but part of me feels like writing to him to congratulate him on how well he deceived me. I honestly don't think I've ever been so fooled in my life. I really thought he wanted to come and see me. I would never tell someone I am going to (fly half way around the world) to see them - if I had no intention of it. Especially if I liked them and had a nice time with them. It's ridiculous. No, don't do that. Jesus, why? To me, it sounds like you're laboring under several false assumptions. First being that a ONS would solely revolve around sex and nothing more. I don't think it's uncommon to want to build a little bit of a connection before consummation—the sex is probably better that way. Also, you went in with the assumption it was a ONS. Why do a 180 just because this guy told you he'd like to visit you again? If you've had ONSs before, you're smarter than that. My advice—take EVERYTHING a man (or woman, for that matter) says in the beginning with a gigantic grain of salt. Say, "yeah sure you're going to come visit me again; I'll believe it when you're on my doorstep," and leave it at that. If he doesn't, then your skepticism was warranted. If he does show up, then great, a pleasant surprise and another round of sex. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 It is very interesting to read all the responses and I am very grateful for them. The funny thing is that I will have a couple of one night stands per year - maybe and I have never had any real problems. I had a great time with him but expected nothing. Not even a call. What made me angry is the fact HE said he would visit me next week (he said that last week). He lives five hours away by plane. He has no reason to come here except to visit me. Why tell me he is going to visit me when he has no intention of it? The mixed messages (actions vs words) are what started me thinking. I really liked him and I misread the situation. I didn't think he was just after sex. After spending the day together - I made the first move - not him. I felt he was different. But I realise now that I made a mistake. He conned me. And he conned me well. The twenty hour talk about everything was all bs to have sex...... I really didn't think he had any interest in sleeping with me. We were having such intense conversations that it didn't come into my mind. That happened much later.... He conned me -- He didn't con you for sex, you conned yourself. I really didn't think he had any interest in sleeping with me -- you served it up to him. He didn't make a move on you. You did this to yourself. I felt he was different. -- You didn't give him the opportunity to demonstrate whether or not he was different. He lives five hours away by plane. He has no reason to come here except to visit me -- What brought him there in the first place? Not you . . .
PogoStick Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Isn't it possible a guy did have a great time with you, felt a great connection, even though it was a ONS? Maybe if the situation is different he would want more from you. However, being in an entirely different country makes a relationship unlikely, so he's willing to visit on occasion for sex but knows there won't be anything more. And why feel "conned"? Was there any illusion about what the hookup meant?
Gary S Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 I wish some of you peeps could wait longer..........at least until dates 3 - 5, sheesh! Some wait until marriage. 2
Author siriusp Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 I feel conned because he said he wanted to visit me - and then I get silence. I do not understand this at all. If he said - yes if I am there sometime I'll look you up - I would have no problem with this. But to be specific about coming the following week and about letting me know which day as soon as he got home....? That I do not understand. Of course everything said should be taken with a pinch of salt but when it is so specific and definite -where I start to change my work schedule / that's not cool........ maybe I have lost my mind?! We met in a third country - different from where we both live. He has no reason to come here except to visit me.
Author siriusp Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 In my mind - he is gone and forgotten about - what I am more interested in - is my reaction to this. It seems completely out of proportion and I don't understand why. Maybe that's another thread?
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 I feel conned because he said he wanted to visit me - and then I get silence. I do not understand this at all. If he said - yes if I am there sometime I'll look you up - I would have no problem with this. But to be specific about coming the following week and about letting me know which day as soon as he got home....? That I do not understand. Of course everything said should be taken with a pinch of salt but when it is so specific and definite -where I start to change my work schedule / that's not cool........ maybe I have lost my mind?! We met in a third country - different from where we both live. He has no reason to come here except to visit me. Oh, holy cow, Siriup! Maybe his plane crashed, maybe his wife won't let him, maybe he got home and decided he couldn't spend the money and couldn't tell you, maybe the FBI picked him up at the airport for questioning, maybe his phone broke, maybe he's in jail, maybe he just a liar and user and a man whore, maybe he's doing a study on how women react to being used and lied to, maybe he's testing you to see if you will chase after him and spend the money to fly there yourself, maybe his syphillis is acting up and he doesn't feel like talking, maybe he simply isn't feeling it for you enough to make any further effort to see you OR maybe it just doesn't matter. 4
Author siriusp Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 I think I am upset because I misjudged the situation so much. I really didn't expect to be fooled like that. Normally I can see exactly what a guy is after. I am very shocked at how badly I read things. I didn't think I was such a poor judge and I've never had a situation like this before - and it's not like I don't have plenty of experience. Having confidence in your ability to judge a situation is important for me and I'd imagine for most people? But this has shattered my confidence - I keep shaking my head in disbelief that I got it so wrong...... I never got anything so wrong in my life!
Author siriusp Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 Oh, holy cow, Siriup! Maybe his plane crashed, maybe his wife won't let him, maybe he got home and decided he couldn't spend the money and couldn't tell you, maybe the FBI picked him up at the airport for questioning, maybe his phone broke, maybe he's in jail, maybe he just a liar and user and a man whore, maybe he's doing a study on how women react to being used and lied to, maybe he's testing you to see if you will chase after him and spend the money to fly there yourself, maybe his syphillis is acting up and he doesn't feel like talking, maybe he simply isn't feeling it for you enough to make any further effort to see you OR maybe it just doesn't matter. You are right - it doesn't matter. What matters is that I misjudged things completely. That I was very comfortable with my choices before and never had something like this happen..... I will never understand why people behave the way they do. Anyway - he will not be able to contact me soon as I am closing my account. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 You are right - it doesn't matter. What matters is that I misjudged things completely. That I was very comfortable with my choices before and never had something like this happen..... I will never understand why people behave the way they do. Anyway - he will not be able to contact me soon as I am closing my account. You didn't misjudge, you simply judged too soon. He said what he said, you assumed he mean't it and that's where you went in your head with it instead of waiting to see what he actually did do. If this were a guy that you'd been with for a while and he did what this guy did, then I would be angry. Truthfully, if a guy said "hey, I just met you once a week ago in another country and now I'm going to spend Xhundred/thousand dollars to fly to see you again in your country", I'd be like "yeah, ok, I'll believe it when I see it".
Author siriusp Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 LOL... yes exactly - you would believe that when you see it - like a rational thinking person. I - idiot that I am - did not see anything wrong with it and very wrongly assumed he meant what he said. I changed my work schedule because I really believed him.... Anyway -lesson learned. 1
Author siriusp Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 But then again - I've had quite a few experiences where guys have flown quite far to see me without knowing me...... so it's not that strange for me.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 You are right - it doesn't matter. What matters is that I misjudged things completely. That I was very comfortable with my choices before and never had something like this happen..... I will never understand why people behave the way they do. Anyway - he will not be able to contact me soon as I am closing my account. All because of him? If so, I would just delete him.
losangelena Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 I think I am upset because I misjudged the situation so much. I really didn't expect to be fooled like that. Normally I can see exactly what a guy is after. I am very shocked at how badly I read things. I didn't think I was such a poor judge and I've never had a situation like this before - and it's not like I don't have plenty of experience. Having confidence in your ability to judge a situation is important for me and I'd imagine for most people? But this has shattered my confidence - I keep shaking my head in disbelief that I got it so wrong...... I never got anything so wrong in my life! I understand the frustration, but really, in the grand scheme of things, it's OK. Really. You DO have good judgement; you have a good sense for what men are after in your dealings with them. OK, so you misjudged this time. It's not the end of the world. Brush it off and move forward, and be mindful the next time. There's no need to beat yourself up over it. I guarantee we've all been there a time or two. 1
Author siriusp Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 Thank you for that. I think you are right. I made a mistake this time..... and I will be more careful with my thoughts in future! I am feeling much better - I have lots to do and don't need to be distracted by him or these frustrating thoughts! I am just focusing on the positive. I have such a good life. I am happy and healthy and have lots of friends and a good job. I have great fun and I don't need him for anything - I made a mistake and I have learned a lot from it. Sometimes I think pain is good..... means we are growing?! (that is when we get over it)! 1
Author siriusp Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 I was thinking of getting rid of my account anyway.... so the timing is right!
Author siriusp Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 I would really like to thank everybody for their thoughts and input - it has been very helpful..
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