swimming2 Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Hey everyone, So I have a situation that I would just like to get some feedback on since I just don't know what to do about it. I have been seeing this girl for about 3 weeks now and it's generally going pretty good. We have a lot of fun together and I enjoy her company very much. We're not a couple or exclusive as of right now since in my opinion, 3 weeks doesn't give me enough time to get to know someone enough to want to commit to them. However, we have slept together twice already and we're both pretty interested in seeing where we end up. Anyways, I had a really weird interaction with her over the weekend. We were both out on the town but not together. I was with a few of my friends and she was out with a few of her class mates. Anyways, around midnight she started texting me saying that I should come meet up with her at the bar she was at. So I finish the drink I was having with my friends and walk over to where she was (only like a 2 minute walk away). After about 10 minutes of searching for her in the bar, I find her talking with a guy (seemed like one of her classmates?) and I just go over to say hi. She looks at me and gives me a very unenthusiastic "hello" and proceeds to keep talking to the guy next to her. So I'm sorting thinking no big deal at this point, she probably just doesn't want to be rude to the guy and cut off their conversation immediately. I decide to order a beer and try to join a little in their conversation but every time I say something, it basically goes ignored. After about 5 minutes, the guy leaves and she finally starts talking to me. Again, she has an extremely unenthusiastic, almost cold tone and eventually she says that she doesn't want to ditch her classmates to hang out with me while telling me that I should just go back and hang out with my friends. She also says that I can message her at like 2 AM when the bar closes if I still want to hang out later. I still don't understand why she couldn't have just introduced me to her classmates and we'd all hangout? Anyways, I tell her no big deal, give her a quick kiss and then leave the bar to go back to my friends. Like I don't know exactly know how to feel about this. It's completely understandable that she would want to have an evening out with her friends without me. I'm not so clingy that I need to be there at all times if she's out socializing. I'm just thinking, why invite me over to see her if she's just gonna act cold and basically tell me to go away back to my friends? If she had told me that she wanted a night out with just her friends instead of inviting me over in the first place then I wouldn't have cared. At the time, I was kinda mad that she was telling me to leave but I didn't want to make a scene or anything so I just played it off cool. She texted me today saying "Sorry I know I was a weirdo the other night. Just thinking right now how rude I was". I haven't responded back to her yet because I just don't really know how to handle the situation. If I play it cool again and act like everything is okay then I basically send the message that it's okay for her to treat me like that. On the other hand, I feel like I'm gonna come across as the crazy one if she senses that I'm angry about the situation. Like I said, we're not officially a couple right now so I don't know if I even have a right to be angry about the fact that she convinced me to come see her and then acted so rudely when I was there? Any insight and help that you could send my way would be very appreciated!
CalvinM Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Don't bother responding. Someone interested in you would've introduced you to her friend,who I'm guessing is probably more than a friend. Cut your losses and be thankful that you saw this leopards spots before you got more heavily involved. 3
katiegrl Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 (edited) Well, being that I am pretty direct, if I were in your shoes, I would respond with: "Yeah, you were rather weird. I mean why invite me to join you, only to ignore me once i get there and then tell me to leave and go back to my friends? That made no sense to me, and tbh I found it a bit off-putting." I would totally ask that!!!! Up to you if you want to be direct and call her on that shyt, or be passive and risk her treating you like that/disrespecting you again. Edited October 18, 2015 by katiegrl 7
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 In my mind, she wanted to look like she was available to this guy, and with you coming along you were poopin on her parade she turns a cold shoulder to look like there is nothing going on with you two. She's still leavin her options open....big red flag. 7
Karine26 Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Well, being that I am pretty direct, if I were in your shoes, I would respond with: "Yeah, you were rather weird. I mean why invite me to join you, only to ignore me once i get there and then tell me to leave and go back to my friends? That made no sense to me, and tbh I found it a bit off-putting." I would totally ask that!!!!. I think this is good ^^ Sounds a little bit like she was trying to get an ego boost by having you come see that she was getting attention from another guy. I have a few friends who did/and still do almost the exact same thing but try to act like its not obvious. And you know what's funny? Is that it often works, having guys fight harder for their attention. I guess guys do like a "challenge". Why have a guy leave his friends at another bar to only ignore him? For me I'd be totally turned off.
LostOnes05 Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I probably would have left after she ignored me the second time. My patience for those kinds of games has dwindled significantly. But I'd follow what katiegrl said. After that, I wouldn't see her anymore. Sometimes it is better to walk away before you're too invested. She obviously has no problem ignoring your presence, so oblige her. 2
katiegrl Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I think this is good ^^ Sounds a little bit like she was trying to get an ego boost by having you come see that she was getting attention from another guy. I have a few friends who did/and still do almost the exact same thing but try to act like its not obvious. And you know what's funny? Is that it often works, having guys fight harder for their attention. I guess guys do like a "challenge". Why have a guy leave his friends at another bar to only ignore him? For me I'd be totally turned off. This and she also wanted to see if you would "jump like a puppy" when she whistled. Well she whistled, and you jumped. Mission accomplished. I would totally call her on that. It's totally effed up and she was messing with you. And then walk away. 4
Author swimming2 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Posted October 18, 2015 I hadn't even put much thought about if there was anything going on with the guy she was talking to or if she was using him just to mess with me. When I got to the bar to see her, there were a bunch of her classmates kinda spread out in the vicinity of her so I just sorta viewed the guy as the classmate she just happened to be talking to when I got there. I was more hung up over the rudeness of her actions than her talking to another guy, didn't think he was very relevant really. Anyways, I think I just won't bother responding to her at all. Like I could call her out on it but what's the point? Overall it's an easy enough red flag to see so it'd be better to just leave it at that and just simply walk away from it. 8
Versacehottie Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I hadn't even put much thought about if there was anything going on with the guy she was talking to or if she was using him just to mess with me. When I got to the bar to see her, there were a bunch of her classmates kinda spread out in the vicinity of her so I just sorta viewed the guy as the classmate she just happened to be talking to when I got there. I was more hung up over the rudeness of her actions than her talking to another guy, didn't think he was very relevant really. Anyways, I think I just won't bother responding to her at all. Like I could call her out on it but what's the point? Overall it's an easy enough red flag to see so it'd be better to just leave it at that and just simply walk away from it. Hmmmm, well you could just walk away and not respond if you are so disgusted by her behavior. I think it's more effective to say something like katiegirl suggested. Not hostile just letting her know you are not to be messed with and that she is risking a really good thing in the person you are. Do it for yourself. On the plus side she reached out to say she was being a jerk. Good communication is basis for every relationship. You can hear her out and say your piece--it doesn't mean you have to continue dating her. It's good practice, can leave you with resolution and doesn't make you feel like you were taken for granted if you take your power back. If by chance she says something that makes you want to keep dating her, your good communication is going to take you in a direction that you want to go. Not that it matters to anyone but you, but if you speak up for yourself she will have a lot more respect for you--which essentially is the crux of what was so wrong with her actions last night--the lack of respect. Take it back. Good luck 1
BeholdtheMan Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 No need to respond. Don't show that you care. If you really have to respons...send something really short. Like..."OK"
anduina Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 That was incredibly rude. I wouldn't respond to her after that. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 No need to respond. Don't show that you care. If you really have to respons...send something really short. Like..."OK" Well I don't disagree with the action--if that's what will make the OP feel the best. But I do disagree on what message it will convey. Not responding at all or maybe even the "ok" sends a message that you are hurt and upset about it. I think (not that torture should be the objective but taking a high road to show a person what they will be missing out on is!) just discussing it and then walking away sends a message that OP's considered her actions and is not impressed, thinks better of what treatment he is worth and doesn't have to stoop to her level. Either are viable options. Depends on what the OP's goals with her are and his personal goals for what sort of person he wants to be. I'm not saying to contact her to "do the right thing" for her (he's got no real obligation for that) but sometimes you get waaaaaay more from acting with dignity and tying everything up with a neat little bow. Trust me, if he's going to do the same thing (not continue to date her) telling her calmly to her face or phone actually hurts her more. I don't think that should be the "goal" (bad karma) but if you want to look like you don't really care it works and not silently throwing a tantrum. I'm not opposed to either pathway, though I prefer the contacting her one in this case.
Guyouthere Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 She should the true self of hers. I would dump her, find a good one who respects you, and she disrespected you pretty badly. Let her learn her lesson.
BeholdtheMan Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Silence is more effective than a mini-essay explaining how you feel. She was very rude. If an acquaintance or friend treated me that way, I'd just cut them loose. I don't need to hear the excuses or express my feelings with words 1
Versacehottie Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Well I'm not advocating a mini essay on feelings by any means! OP just listens to what she has to say; and then says his part. I think katie's outline of what to say was 2-3 sentences which sum up OP's position. She will probably say something then he can say: i don't see this working out, or idk I'll get back to you. I agree silence says a lot. I just think he will look like he's completely bent out of shape and that's what her POV and what she will tell people and be defensive and feel justified. He can cut those things off at the pass by acting like the person HE is, not the sh*tty person she acted like that night. Who knows the reason for her attempt to apologize? Could be a good one or maybe she just wants to scrambled her way back in. OP though if you do the silent one and never respond, you should be prepared on your end to never talk to her again. In that you will look like a pushover/wuss if you let her back in later--ie be prepared for more times where she will walk all over you. If you verbally stand up to her now, as acquaintances, friends or dating, less of a chance that she will be so disrespectful in the future. Lastly, maybe she was wasted!! That's probably why she called you over from another bar and then when she started talking to other guy was acting nonchalant and distracted and like a jerk. I think it's great that OP has enough self-respect to not find this acceptable (he's right) but people do dumb things when they are drunk (typical college gf/bf fights). You did say college, right? Or am I making this part up?
BeholdtheMan Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 My 2 cents is that taking the time to type a multi-sentence response shows that you care more than simply ignoring her OP has to ask himself...if he feels the urge to reply, why would he be replying? He already knows this chick does not respect him. What would he be hoping to get out of her response if she responds at all? Waste of time IMO...and it would show that OP is still invested
Ami1uwant Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Two thinks that pop in my head.... 1. What was the time lag between you texting and you thorn going over there? 2. Is it possible one of her girlfriends texted you on her phone posing as her? Have you met her friends before? Another thought I had..did she recognize you? There is a condition where people won't recognize someone they weren't expecting,
Author swimming2 Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 Versacehottie - I did not mention it but yes we're both in our graduate studies at university Ami1uwant - I got to the bar she was at about 45 minutes after she texted me. I have met her roommates before (who are really good friends of hers) and I get along fine with them. She definitely recognized me and I don't think anyone there was a close enough friend for her to let them take her phone and text me.
Versacehottie Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Yeah the 45 minutes is the key to what probably happened. She was bored and missed you somewhat when she texted you. But 45 minutes later she was either annoyed (drunk annoyed) and getting revenge or started flirting with this other guy or wanted to make you jealous or some combo.
phineas Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Yeah the 45 minutes is the key to what probably happened. She was bored and missed you somewhat when she texted you. But 45 minutes later she was either annoyed (drunk annoyed) and getting revenge or started flirting with this other guy or wanted to make you jealous or some combo. Who care why she did it? No excuses for poor behaviour. She knows what she did. Unless she blows up the phone or comes knocking on the door I see no reason to kick off a drama fest.
StBreton Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Swimmer ...if I were you I'd respond with some slightly sarcastic quip like ..."ya I thought I was in line to get your autograph or something" If she responds favorably and something like this doesn't occur again ...all fine ...she understands it's not cool and you won't tolerate it ...just putting her on notice "nicely" ...however ...(and I'm impressed you are on here questioning this disrespectful red flag behavior STAT) ...if it happens again ...just say "ya I don't think we're on the same page" and be done ...intelligent quality people don't act like this girl. Do you want this kind of person in your life? You're in a graduate program ...you're way smarter than this.
BeholdtheMan Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I don't recommen replying...but if absolutely have to, poster above has provided a gem
Lois_Griffin Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Anyways, I think I just won't bother responding to her at all. Like I could call her out on it but what's the point? Overall it's an easy enough red flag to see so it'd be better to just leave it at that and just simply walk away from it. Nasty, rude and unacceptable. Typical bimbo club behavior. I'd ignore her sorry ass and write her off. I sure wouldn't be feeding her ego letting her know how disappointed I was. Screw that. She wasn't acting 'weird,' she was being a completely disrespectful assclown. 1
Lansing Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Although I would be cautious about giving her another chance depending on her other behaviour in dating her I might accept her apology and see where things go forward. I myself have "screwed" up and been rude/not nice to people although in general I think of myself as a nice person. In the moment maybe she felt awkward juggling you and her friends. I tend to keep my different group of friends separate because I feel pressure that I want everyone to have a good time and I tend not to enjoy myself in this moments. It is easy to dismiss her but to me an apology means something and I would consider the rest of her before dismissing her completely. Of course if stuff like this keeps happening then I wouldn't bother anymore.
road Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 You were two minutes away and took 45 minutes to get there. You took 43 minutes to finish your drink. This says you are a game player. She could of been mad at you for being that late and decided to punish you, or auditioning that dude as your possible replacement. This says she is a game player. A perfect match. Marry her. You deserve each other.
Recommended Posts