1st Post: Is Being Ex > Being Friends?

[DodgersFan15]

Hello Loveshack members: This is my 1st post.

 

My gf of 2 years broke up with me 2 months ago. I'm 29 and she's 27. We were together for the 1st year and the last year it had been long distance because she got into grad school in a different state many miles away. We are both from the same city, and her family and friends are all here. We still kept things going good, visited each other every 1.5-2 months, talked every day, skyped, etc and by all measures distance was not a factor until the last month in a half when i felt that she was starting to drift. When she came back two months ago, she broke up because she couldn't handle the distance anymore.

 

I tried everything I could to salvage us not breaking up, how we could still make it work, but she had clearly made up her mind. She said although she still had feelings for me, and that there was no other guy involved, she was too busy with school, and because she wasn't going to finish anytime soon, she couldn't keep it going anymore. She said she wanted to remain friends with me, and that I was still very important in her life. Normally, I would object to this, but because our R/S was long distance, I thought it was important to still remain in contact with her.

 

It's been 2 months now. We've only talked 2 times since the breakup, but we still casually text each other weekly. She initiates about 80% of our text convos now. I wanted to remain in contact with her as friends ONLY because I felt had I not, I would totally lose her being that this is a LDR. But lately, I'm slowly starting to believe that because we're friends, she's totally losing any attraction she had towards me. and in a permanent way. That perhaps, had I just gone NC, maybe I would have had a better chance in her changing her mind one day and keeping my self respect/dignity.

 

From your guys'perspective, do you think a dumper has a higher likelihood of having regret on their decision if a dumpee does NC rather than being friends??

Edited October 18, 2015 by DodgersFan15

[louxor]

Hello Loveshack members: This is my 1st post.

 

My gf of 2 years broke up with me 2 months ago. I'm 29 and she's 27. We were together for the 1st year and the last year it had been long distance because she got into grad school in a different state many miles away. We are both from the same city, and her family and friends are all here. We still kept things going good, visited each other every 1.5-2 months, talked every day, skyped, etc and by all measures distance was not a factor until the last month in a half when i felt that she was starting to drift. When she came back two months ago, she broke up because she couldn't handle the distance anymore.

 

I tried everything I could to salvage us not breaking up, how we could still make it work, but she had clearly made up her mind. She said although she still had feelings for me, and that there was no other guy involved, she was too busy with school, and because she wasn't going to finish anytime soon, she couldn't keep it going anymore. She said she wanted to remain friends with me, and that I was still very important in her life. Normally, I would object to this, but because our R/S was long distance, I thought it was important to still remain in contact with her.

 

It's been 2 months now. We've only talked 2 times since the breakup, but we still casually text each other weekly. She initiates about 80% of our text convos now. I wanted to remain in contact with her as friends ONLY because I felt had I not, I would totally lose her being that this is a LDR. But lately, I'm slowly starting to believe that because we're friends, she's totally losing any attraction she had towards me. and in a permanent way. That perhaps, had I just gone NC, maybe I would have had a better chance in her changing her mind one day and keeping my self respect/dignity.

 

From your guys'perspective, do you think a dumper has a higher likelihood of having regret on their decision if a dumpee does NC rather than being friends??

 

That is exactly what is happening. Us men are logical thinkers: If I cut her off and don't agree to being friends, how will be she able to see what she's missing out on? Surely if we remain in contact she will miss me and after a while she will want to be back together, right? Wrong. This is not how women see things. She already initiated the break up when you were in contact, so remaining in contact will do nothing to attract her back to you, it will do the opposite.

 

You must go NC and never look back. The only way (slim chance) to win an ex back is to get up and leave. And mean it. When you go NC, you must be doing it with the mindset that you will never talk to her again, not doing it because you want to win her back. That way, if she doesn't ever contact you again, you don't care because you've moved on, and if she does contact you, you can choose to try again or remain NC because once again, it doesn't matter - you've moved on.

[mightycpa]

How about Option #3, where you cut her off because that's what happens when you don't want to see each other any more?

 

 

This option has the highest success rate of all.

[Liono84]

You're doing a major mistake. The longer you stay "friends" with her, the more you will keep hurting and the more she will have less respect for you. Grow a backbone along with a pair of balls, and stop contact. You deserve so much better than to be treated like a puppet.

[Gretzky99]

All you're doing is bringing on more pain the longer you remain in contact with your ex. You told her you did not want this R/S to end, yet she cut it off. There may be other reasons for the breakup that she has not told you. You look worse in remaining friends with her than going out with dignity and not contacting her.

[DodgersFan15]

That is exactly what is happening. Us men are logical thinkers: If I cut her off and don't agree to being friends, how will be she able to see what she's missing out on? Surely if we remain in contact she will miss me and after a while she will want to be back together, right? Wrong. This is not how women see things. She already initiated the break up when you were in contact, so remaining in contact will do nothing to attract her back to you, it will do the opposite.

 

You must go NC and never look back. The only way (slim chance) to win an ex back is to get up and leave. And mean it. When you go NC, you must be doing it with the mindset that you will never talk to her again, not doing it because you want to win her back. That way, if she doesn't ever contact you again, you don't care because you've moved on, and if she does contact you, you can choose to try again or remain NC because once again, it doesn't matter - you've moved on.

 

You're right. I'm mad at myself for not realizing this sooner. Today was the 2nd day in a row where she texted me and I simply just didn't reply. She followed up by saying is everything okay??

 

I thought if I went NC, I would push her away for good. I thought it was a bad idea because we were in a long distance relationship so clinging onto that was the only hope left in her changing her mind weeks later. But seeing how remaining in contact for the past 2 months has done absolutely nothing in changing her mind, how it feels as though she's lost all feeling for me in a romantic way, has made me re-think things.

 

I was very confused because when she broke up with me, she was so adamant on how she still wanted me to remain a part of her life and for us to be friends. I thought that could have been a code for 'I just don't know yet.'

 

Is reconciliation always less likely if you remain friends with an ex? And if so, why is this??

[mightycpa]

Is reconciliation always less likely if you remain friends with an ex? And if so, why is this??

Reconciliation is just plain UNLIKELY. Once you've seen somebody in a way that makes you not want to be with them (BREAKUP), it is very, very difficult to see them in any other light. Even after the passage of time, when people get back together, whether it is for a relationship or just to reacquaint, the "dumper" sees those very same traits that remind them of why they left, and that is the beginning of the second end.

 

You've experienced the friend-zone part. Now you're going to try the NC part. NC has a funny way of getting people used to not needing you.

[louxor]

You're right. I'm mad at myself for not realizing this sooner. Today was the 2nd day in a row where she texted me and I simply just didn't reply. She followed up by saying is everything okay??

 

I thought if I went NC, I would push her away for good. I thought it was a bad idea because we were in a long distance relationship so clinging onto that was the only hope left in her changing her mind weeks later. But seeing how remaining in contact for the past 2 months has done absolutely nothing in changing her mind, how it feels as though she's lost all feeling for me in a romantic way, has made me re-think things.

 

I was very confused because when she broke up with me, she was so adamant on how she still wanted me to remain a part of her life and for us to be friends. I thought that could have been a code for 'I just don't know yet.'

 

Is reconciliation always less likely if you remain friends with an ex? And if so, why is this??

 

Yes.

 

99% of the time, if you remain friends with someone who has dumped you when that is not truly what you want (which is the case if you have any feelings left for the ex whatsoever), it will only decrease the already slim chances of reconciliation. Why? There are many reasons:

 

1. She knows she can walk all over you. No woman wants to be with a guy who will let her do whatever she wants even if he is not okay with it.

 

2. You come off as weak and insecure. You are willing to hang around and do something that you don't want to do (being her friend) because you are too much of a wuss to stand up for yourself and look elsewhere for what you want. No woman will want to date a weak and insecure man who cannot stand up for what he wants.

 

3. She will treat you as the 'best friend'. She may say you mean so much to her and even maybe how she loves you, but she wouldn't date you again..she cant..you're her best friend and she wouldn't want to ruin the great connection you have!!!! yeah..right. She doesn't want to date you because she already dumped you before.

 

4. You will become her emotional tampon. Because you are so adamant on getting her back, you will never say no to her when she needs to talk. She will come to you with all her problems about the new guys she's seeing, and you will sit there and listen and give her advice like an idiot because you think that being constantly nice to her might win her back. F*** that - I'd rather sandpaper my nutsack than have to listen to my ex talk about her new guy problems.

 

5. You will not be able to grow as an individual. This is probably the most important one. You will be trapped in constant pursuit of her when she does not want the same. You will come off as a fool as you continue to chase what you know you can't but you refuse to accept it. While you waste time chasing, other men are out there building their own happiness with themselves - These men are the ones women want, not the chasers. While you waste you time chasing you are throwing away time you could be using to focus on bettering yourself and learning to be happy with yourself.

 

I believe that the only way to get an ex back (keeping in mind she has to want you back as well) is to walk away. While you were with her you obviously messed up, otherwise she wouldn't have dumped you, so staying around will not do any good. You must go away and better yourself as an individual, learn from your mistakes, practise with other women, grow as a happy individual.

 

It is only then that your ex may consider something, because you are a new, self-confident, driven man, and you no longer need her to be happy. She will only consider coming back if she sees you as different, because why would she come back if you are going to be the same man she already broke up with? But at the same time, you must be walking away not because you want to get her back, but because you want to improve your life.

Women don't want a man who needs her as their source of happiness, they don't want to be smothered. Love is all about freedom, and until you can be happy with yourself and have your partner as a means to add to your happiness (not as the one source of your happiness), then you will struggle with maintaining a healthy relationship.

Edited October 20, 2015 by louxor

[DodgersFan15]

Yes.

 

99% of the time, if you remain friends with someone who has dumped you when that is not truly what you want (which is the case if you have any feelings left for the ex whatsoever), it will only decrease the already slim chances of reconciliation. Why? There are many reasons:

 

1. She knows she can walk all over you. No woman wants to be with a guy who will let her do whatever she wants even if he is not okay with it.

 

2. You come off as weak and insecure. You are willing to hang around and do something that you don't want to do (being her friend) because you are too much of a wuss to stand up for yourself and look elsewhere for what you want. No woman will want to date a weak and insecure man who cannot stand up for what he wants.

 

3. She will treat you as the 'best friend'. She may say you mean so much to her and even maybe how she loves you, but she wouldn't date you again..she cant..you're her best friend and she wouldn't want to ruin the great connection you have!!!! yeah..right. She doesn't want to date you because she already dumped you before.

 

4. You will become her emotional tampon. Because you are so adamant on getting her back, you will never say no to her when she needs to talk. She will come to you with all her problems about the new guys she's seeing, and you will sit there and listen and give her advice like an idiot because you think that being constantly nice to her might win her back. F*** that - I'd rather sandpaper my nutsack than have to listen to my ex talk about her new guy problems.

 

5. You will not be able to grow as an individual. This is probably the most important one. You will be trapped in constant pursuit of her when she does not want the same. You will come off as a fool as you continue to chase what you know you can't but you refuse to accept it. While you waste time chasing, other men are out there building their own happiness with themselves - These men are the ones women want, not the chasers. While you waste you time chasing you are throwing away time you could be using to focus on bettering yourself and learning to be happy with yourself.

 

I believe that the only way to get an ex back (keeping in mind she has to want you back as well) is to walk away. While you were with her you obviously messed up, otherwise she wouldn't have dumped you, so staying around will not do any good. You must go away and better yourself as an individual, learn from your mistakes, practise with other women, grow as a happy individual.

 

It is only then that your ex may consider something, because you are a new, self-confident, driven man, and you no longer need her to be happy. She will only consider coming back if she sees you as different, because why would she come back if you are going to be the same man she already broke up with? But at the same time, you must be walking away not because you want to get her back, but because you want to improve your life.

Women don't want a man who needs her as their source of happiness, they don't want to be smothered. Love is all about freedom, and until you can be happy with yourself and have your partner as a means to add to your happiness (not as the one source of your happiness), then you will struggle with maintaining a healthy relationship.

 

Thanks for the advice Louxor!

I'm sorry if I may be coming off as asking the same questions. It's my first thread on this site and I'm not as familiar as the wise ones here. Even though I'm 29, this is only my 2nd relationship I've ever had.

 

I really needed to hear this!! It's so great to hear other ppls thoughts and it's a slap in the face to me, but in a very good way. I only wish I was given this advice sooner. You're completely right in everything you said. The thing is, I didn't mess up. I treated her right. It's just life/school and distance got in the way. Its' still no reason to breakup if someone really loves you.

 

The one thing you said that really hit home besides the fact that remaining friends ruins your chances in reconciling, is when you pointed out that women don't want a man who needs them as their source of happiness. During the 1st year or so, I didn't need her to be happy, but somewhere down the line, that all changed, and she became the reason for my happiness, my life.

[louxor]

Glad I can give back what others have given to me!

 

The thing is, I didn't mess up. I treated her right. It's just life/school and distance got in the way. Its' still no reason to breakup if someone really loves you

 

That is true to an extent but i'd still be confident in saying something happened that caused your ex to decide that working through these obstacles was no longer worth it. When someone is truly in love with another person, no amount of distance or busy lifestyle will keep them apart. That's not to say that you ex never truly loved you, it just got to the point where this love faded.

 

I can relate to this from my own experience with my most recent ex - When she broke up with me she said I had been the 'perfect boyfriend' and had done nothing wrong'. Now I do believe that I was very good to her, however, there must have been something out of place in her mind if she was willing to break up with the 'perfect boyfriend' - right? Because if something is actually perfect, you wouldn't leave it in the hopes of finding something better because well you can't top perfection lol.

 

In both our cases, we will probably never find out what it was that caused our ex's to grow apart, but we must do our best to build ourselves as individuals in order to avoid becoming the person again who caused our ex's to leave.

 

women don't want a man who needs them as their source of happiness. During the 1st year or so, I didn't need her to be happy, but somewhere down the line, that all changed, and she became the reason for my happiness, my life.

 

Very, very good that you can acknowledge this. I'd be willing to bet that your relationship was great for that 1st year or so - why? Because when you have them as an addition to your happiness, you don't smother them because you have other sources of happiness, and this causes them to respect you and maintain attraction to you because women love men who have fun, interesting lives.

 

When they become the primary source of your happiness, they begin to feel trapped or isolated because you are constantly needing their approval to be happy, and this is what can cause them to grow apart from you.

 

So basically what you have to do know is focus on getting back to where your happiness was at the time when you didn't need her for you to be happy, and then learn from your mistakes and don't let your happiness fall back into the arms of another person.

Edited October 20, 2015 by louxor