emi Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Lets say, if you really love someone, would you do things for them without asking anything in return? Even you got no benefit whatsoever, and you gonna have alot problems doing it
Got it Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Lets say, if you really love someone, would you do things for them without asking anything in return? Even you got no benefit whatsoever, and you gonna have alot problems doing it What do you mean by "a lot of problems doing it"? Morally, physically, logistically? I do things for my husband that don't necessarily have a direct ROI though it could be easily argued that making him makes him happy and more likely to do something nice back in return which would then indicate there is a good ROI. I don't know, I don't tend to deep dive it so much. If I care for someone I do things when I can to help them/make them happy. Like last night my husband came home hurting from some work he was doing earlier. So sent him upstairs to put a heating pad on the sore muscle, set him up watching the football game, got him some ice cream and kept the dogs from bothering him. Why? Because he was hurting and it would make him feel better. And making him feel better makes me happy. 1
Methodical Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Lets say, if you really love someone, would you do things for them without asking anything in return? Even you got no benefit whatsoever, and you gonna have alot problems doing it Yes! No question. If it's within my power and not going to have a negative impact or hurt me, I'd absolutely help. To me, that's the definition of true love. Doing/helping w/o expectation. In turn, my peeps would do the same for me if/when the time comes. That said, I'm not going to allow someone else's problems become my own. Forex: You go out and live beyond your means and then whine the blues and want me to bail you out of debt, No. You got sick, your car broke down, (something beyond your control), and you need a little help, Yes. All within context.
Stage5Clinger Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Lets say, if you really love someone, would you do things for them without asking anything in return? Even you got no benefit whatsoever, and you gonna have alot problems doing it I would do anything for someone I love. That's my biggest flaw in a relationship.
basil67 Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I can't think of anything where I'd have a whole lot of problems doing it. Can you give an example? That bit aside, I do things for my hubby which don't benefit me - like if he's had a hard day, I'll clean the kitchen while he sits with a cuppa. However, he also does things for me which don't benefit him. A good relationship has give and take.
joseb Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Lets say, if you really love someone, would you do things for them without asking anything in return? Even you got no benefit whatsoever, and you gonna have alot problems doing it Can you give us some examples? I mean, something like picking up groceries, or more like acting as a hitman? 2
whichwayisup Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Lets say, if you really love someone, would you do things for them without asking anything in return? Even you got no benefit whatsoever, and you gonna have alot problems doing it What do you mean by problems?
Els Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 It really depends on what those 'things' are and what 'problems' would arise from them. That aside, I think 'without asking for anything in return' isn't really all that simple. Of course we do things for our partner without asking or even expecting anything in return per se. But at the same time, we also "expect" that if our partner loves us, they will want to do things for us as well. Perhaps not the same thing that we do for them and perhaps not the next day, but generally, in the course of the relationship, we would BOTH do things for each other. If it's just one person doing things and the other person not bothering at all, it isn't going to work.
Author emi Posted October 19, 2015 Author Posted October 19, 2015 I'm not really sure about what example should i give or how can i being more specific. Its just general. What brings me to ask this question because i told my boyfriend i would do anything for him without asking anything in return, he said he wont though, because love means give and take. That kinda freak me out a little bit
chapter44 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Yes! No question. If it's within my power and not going to have a negative impact or hurt me, I'd absolutely help. To me, that's the definition of true love. Doing/helping w/o expectation. In turn, my peeps would do the same for me if/when the time comes. That said, I'm not going to allow someone else's problems become my own. Forex: You go out and live beyond your means and then whine the blues and want me to bail you out of debt, No. You got sick, your car broke down, (something beyond your control), and you need a little help, Yes. All within context. I completely agree with the above. When you care about someone you do whatever you can to help them as long as it doesn't hurt you in the process - emotionally, financially, or legally. I also believe that you do that without the expectation of anything in return. 1
PrettyEmily77 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I'm not really sure about what example should i give or how can i being more specific. Its just general. What brings me to ask this question because i told my boyfriend i would do anything for him without asking anything in return, he said he wont though, because love means give and take. That kinda freak me out a little bit Yeah, that would freak me out as well TBH but maybe your definition of 'everything' lines up with his definition of 'give and take'? Like in everyday life it would be normal to expect give and take (house chores, choosing the movie, etc) but it would also be natural to do anything for your partner under special circumstances (injury, stress, difficult times, etc.) within reason of course. 2
basil67 Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 (edited) I'm not really sure about what example should i give or how can i being more specific. Its just general. What brings me to ask this question because i told my boyfriend i would do anything for him without asking anything in return, he said he wont though, because love means give and take. That kinda freak me out a little bit Would you really do *anything* for him? Like not go to your besties wedding because he wanted you to go to the football with him? Or do ALL the chores forever without complaining? Or give him your blessing to have sex with other women even though it may kill you inside? Would you uncomplainingly work two jobs in order to financially support the two of you while he sits on his butt at home gaming? Thing is, most people who have good boundaries and self esteem wouldn't do these things...and many more things which are unfair or unjust. And this is where your boyfriend is coming from. Your boyfriend has boundaries. He knows that there are some things which he would be ethically or morally opposed to. He knows that some deals are blatantly unfair. He's not prepared to be used or abused by anyone. This is good. It shows that he has self esteem and sound morals. He's absolutely right - love does involve give and take. Sometimes his needs will take priority and sometimes yours will. And sometimes people ask things of us which are too much and need to be refused. Refusing to do an unreasonable thing isn't a reflection of a lack of love. It's a reflection of good boundaries and an understanding of sharing. You are the one who needs to re-think this - not him. Edited October 19, 2015 by basil67 5
Els Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I'm not really sure about what example should i give or how can i being more specific. Its just general. What brings me to ask this question because i told my boyfriend i would do anything for him without asking anything in return, he said he wont though, because love means give and take. That kinda freak me out a little bit Too much hypothesizing IMO... it doesn't really matter what someone's answer to this question is because the definitions of 'doing anything without asking anything in return' are rather vague and loose. What matters are his actions - does he do things for you without asking anything in return?
d0nnivain Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 What brings me to ask this question because i told my boyfriend i would do anything for him without asking anything in return, he said he wont though, because love means give and take. That kinda freak me out a little bit It should. This statement makes your BF seem stingy. Do you really want a partner who isn't willing to give of himself? My husband is usually content to sit back & let me run things. I joke that his idea of planning is to say "let D0nnivain do it." I have been in bed with the flu for the last few days & he's been awesome, bringing me soup, driving me to the doctor, picking up my medicine & even not over reacting when I bit his head off on Saturday because I was so miserable.
Got it Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Anything? How do you even know you would do anything? I wouldn't even do anything for my husband. I love him but I am not going to kill for him, rob for him, abuse another for him. Sorry that is just too overly romantic and sensationalized for me. And I agree with him, romantic love is a give and take. It is not unconditional as that would be detrimental. 2
Els Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Also, 'do things' and 'do anything' are rather different issues altogether. The opening post says the former but the update talks about the latter instead. Which one did you mean, OP?
WomenWubber Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 So you will do anything for him, without asking anything in return, as long as he does anything for you, without asking anything in return? I'm like your boyfriend. Nothing in life is free. 1
Got it Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 So you will do anything for him, without asking anything in return, as long as he does anything for you, without asking anything in return? I'm like your boyfriend. Nothing in life is free. Quid pro quo.
Toodaloo Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Lets say, if you really love someone, would you do things for them without asking anything in return? Even you got no benefit whatsoever, and you gonna have alot problems doing it I never used to but then I realised that by doing so I was being a doormat which is not terribly exciting and not really me. Now I stick up for myself. I have no idea if it works or not but time will tell. Its about give and take.
Shepp Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 I will always try, to the very very best of my ability to do what I honestly believe to be right by her! I think that's different to doing anything she asked of me! Would I go to the miss my best mates wedding as someone suggested for no particular reason - no Would I give up on us just cause she was scared of pushing to far - no, I didn't Would I give my life for hers if it was her or me - in a heartbeat.
Author emi Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 Hi, Its interesting to see what people brought to the table. And no, I wouldnt rob, kill, bust him out of debts when he does not work... Thats out of the equation, because if i ever think he would ask me for something like that then why on earth i choose to be in a relationship with him. What i'm trying to say which are those grey area in a relationship, where there is no right or wrong decisions, complicated situation. It sounds vague, because i dont really "in" any situation yet, it just some general discussion that i thought it will make a good debate
todreaminblue Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 (edited) it depends on what problem i had doing it.......i have done thingsbefore with no benefit....and the actual benefit it is it feels good to do things for no reason other than you love someone......thats probably where i draw the line...if it were to make someone else not feel good i would struggle..and if i had to do it......i would make it as good as i possibly could make it.........and i would struggle if it werent right to do.....where i would say no sorry i cant... i have had to do things i havent particularly liked to do and struggled...how i look at that situation is...this is one day of my life...one hour..ten minutes and never have to do it again if it is to help someone else...i go through whatever internal struggle i have.....i normally say to the peerson who has asked em to do something hey i am not really comfortable with this...or this makes me uncomfortable and if that person insists...then obvious the caring part is a one sided affair...and is coming from me not them..........deb Edited October 20, 2015 by todreaminblue
2.50 a gallon Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 I am one of the lucky ones, in a very loving relationship. And yes I quite often go out of my way to do things for my lady. It is not a quid pro quo, or as Romeo says in Romeo and Juliet, "The more I give the more I get" Rather it is for the pure pleasure of just giving to the one I love and who loves me. 1
salparadise Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 It should. This statement makes your BF seem stingy. Do you really want a partner who isn't willing to give of himself? No, not what he's saying. Relationships need to be reciprocal. Which is not the same as quid pro quo. It's when both give of themselves freely... and don't keep a running tally. The one way deal is usually indicative of a narcissist and codependent. The boyfriend is wise.
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