Why start/continue a affair?

[autumnnight]

Excellent answer.

 

The truth is that affairs tend to fill some needs. Whether it's a need to be appreciated, desired or simply sexually satisfied.

 

It's easy to discount the reasons for having an affair as selfishness and ego, but, objectively, that's not the whole story.

 

Here is how I would teak that. It is not selfish to HAVE those needs - all normal humans have them.

 

What is selfish is deceitfully getting those needs from someone other than your spouse behind your spouse's back.

[merrmeade]

Well, yep, that IS pretty much it.

• The truth is that affairs tend to fill some needs. Whether it's a need to be appreciated, desired or simply sexually satisfied.
  
• I have done many exhilarating things in my life, very little compares.
  
• it feels good. ... they want something on top. I don't think it most cases it's meant to be a swap, just a top up.
  
• ... sex with the affair partner is a lot of fun. ... And that's pretty much it.
  
• ... the truth is that in the moment, it feels really really good. It does. And for people who don't feel a lot of good, it's very appealing. For me it absolutely was an escape. And it was passionate. And exciting. ... damn it felt good for those few hours a week. That's why I kept it going.

Yep. pretty much it. Also pretty much what the others were saying:

• External Validation / Conflict Avoidance Personality / Lack of Boundaries / Sense of Entitlement / Belief in not Getting Caught / Sex / Did I Say Sex? / Ego Stroke ... / Excitement / Drama / Sex / and Sex / Impulsiveness; not thinking about consequences
  
• ... living in the moment and I did not think about my past or my future. ... All I cared about was the good I was feeling ...
  
• Whether it's an ego boost or better/more sex, it really boils down to lusting after what you don't have. ... When people cheat, they become selfish. ... willing to look beyond that so they can get what they want.
  
• ... starts with self-centeredness and selfishness and morphs into "I want what I want." Then we try to dress it up with justifications, sob stories, and psuedo-intellectual half-baked anthropology. But basically, it's just plain old selfishness.

Etc. Pretty much it. [some reformatting by mm]

[lovinDKT3]

I dont think you can paint all with one stroke from the brush. Each person is different. Sure tbere is alway an element of selfishness, entitlememt and poor boundaires.

 

In my situation I felt our marriage was over. Shortly after it started I realized I still wanted my marriage and as a result the affair became very jr high"ish". In my mind it had become a friendship (it was clearly still an affair even without the sex).

 

For me the affair was about companionship, my husband worked away. 250 plus days a year for over 6 years. Not to make it come across as an excuse, but it made it easy to maintain contact with OM.

 

Oh was I entitled, I though I deserved it, I felt he would never find out and if he did, in time he would accept it and stay in the marriage. Looking back NOW its hard to believe I felt that way, that I thought those things.

[Minnie09]

I also think it has more to do with opportunity than with morals. If the opportunity presents itself, few would say no, provided of course that you're somewhat attracted to the other person. Even if you're not, or not a lot, attraction can grow through closeness and getting the attention that you don't get elsewhere (eg in your M). And then you continue, because it feels good and the excitement stirs the adrenaline pot. And then you get addicted to the high, and that's why people in As won't stop.

[SammySammy]

Well, yep, that IS pretty much it. Yep. pretty much it.

 

Also pretty much what the others were saying: Etc. Pretty much it. [some reformatting by mm]

 

It's still more complicated than simply saying the wandering spouse is selfish. Maybe the so-called betrayed spouse was selfish too. Maybe they spent too much of their marriage satisfying their selfish egos and not taking care of their spouse's needs.

 

I sincerely believe that's what happened to my AP. She tried to spice up things in her marriage for years. Her husband only wanted sex one way, wasn't good at that and left her perpetually unsatisfied after getting what he wanted. She said she tried many things to get him to consider her needs. He refused and made excuses. So, after many years of being unsatisfied, she sought out an ex-boyfriend - me - who she knew could and would give her what she wanted.

 

Who was selfish? Who was only concerned about themselves? Only her? Nah. He was selfish too. If he had taken care of home, maybe he wouldn't have to worry about his wife having the time of her life with another man.

 

It's easy to point fingers and blame the WS, but things aren't always so simple. I'm not saying my AP was right, but selfishness and egotism can go both ways.

[goodyblue]

It's still more complicated than simply saying the wandering spouse is selfish. Maybe the so-called betrayed spouse was selfish too. Maybe they spent too much of their marriage satisfying their selfish egos and not taking care of their spouse's needs.

 

I sincerely believe that's what happened to my AP. She tried to spice up things in her marriage for years. Her husband only wanted sex one way, wasn't good at that and left her perpetually unsatisfied after getting what he wanted. She said she tried many things to get him to consider her needs. He refused and made excuses. So, after many years of being unsatisfied, she sought out an ex-boyfriend - me - who she knew could and would give her what she wanted.

 

Who was selfish? Who was only concerned about themselves? Only her? Nah. He was selfish too. If he had taken care of home, maybe he wouldn't have to worry about his wife having the time of her life with another man.

 

It's easy to point fingers and blame the WS, but things aren't always so simple. I'm not saying my AP was right, but selfishness and egotism can go both ways.

 

Yep. Same with my h and his ex.12 year dry spell of sex. Her refusal to stop drinking.

 

That does not negate the fact that my h was the one who stepped out. He (and I) should have been smart enough to make better decisions. Be more pragmatic, not be swept away.

[casey.lives]

As a person who was an affair partner, i was just used and tossed. So it's lose situation. Married men are elastic and they go right back. Single ladies: Find YOUR own guy!!!

[HopeForTomorrow]

It's still more complicated than simply saying the wandering spouse is selfish. Maybe the so-called betrayed spouse was selfish too. Maybe they spent too much of their marriage satisfying their selfish egos and not taking care of their spouse's needs.

 

I sincerely believe that's what happened to my AP. She tried to spice up things in her marriage for years. Her husband only wanted sex one way, wasn't good at that and left her perpetually unsatisfied after getting what he wanted. She said she tried many things to get him to consider her needs. He refused and made excuses. So, after many years of being unsatisfied, she sought out an ex-boyfriend - me - who she knew could and would give her what she wanted.

 

Who was selfish? Who was only concerned about themselves? Only her? Nah. He was selfish too. If he had taken care of home, maybe he wouldn't have to worry about his wife having the time of her life with another man.

 

It's easy to point fingers and blame the WS, but things aren't always so simple. I'm not saying my AP was right, but selfishness and egotism can go both ways.

 

No, things are almost never that simple. But it doesn't change the fact that while TWO people are equally responsible for the marriage, only ONE person is responsible for choosing to have an affair to "cope" with whatever issues there are. And there are ALWAYS issues. What defines you is how you deal with them.

 

I'm single (divorced), and I do not know if the person in my life totally trusts that I would never do this to him. What's ironic is that I DO totally trust that he wouldn't do it to me. Whatever he feels is okay - then it's my job to prove it to him, which won't be hard. We have our issues too, but thinking about doing that to him makes me feel like someone has jammed a knife in my heart. It's almost a physical pain. I'm reminded of Mrs John Adam's signature when I think of it. I couldn't, wouldn't, hurt the person I love that way. Never. No matter what. It would kill me.

[Furious]

Hi. As a read many of these threads and have always wondered the same question. It appears (in some cases) that many still love their spouse. So WHY would anyone what to start or continue a affair????

 

 

Cheating is easy, it's not rocket science. Often it's about a supplement to soothe an ego and maybe a form of rebellion for valid or invalid reasons, but the effort to fix or leave a marriage requires much more effort without the ego boost.

 

I always chuckle when cheaters say that the feeling of betrayal is awesome.

[SammySammy]

No, things are almost never that simple. But it doesn't change the fact that while TWO people are equally responsible for the marriage, only ONE person is responsible for choosing to have an affair to "cope" with whatever issues there are. And there are ALWAYS issues. What defines you is how you deal with them.

 

I'm single (divorced), and I do not know if the person in my life totally trusts that I would never do this to him. What's ironic is that I DO totally trust that he wouldn't do it to me. Whatever he feels is okay - then it's my job to prove it to him, which won't be hard. We have our issues too, but thinking about doing that to him makes me feel like someone has jammed a knife in my heart. It's almost a physical pain. I'm reminded of Mrs John Adam's signature when I think of it. I couldn't, wouldn't, hurt the person I love that way. Never. No matter what. It would kill me.

 

I agree with you. You have a valid point.

 

My AP made a decision to step outside of her marriage. Maybe it's more accurate to say she had an affair because she chose to rather than she did it because she was selfish or satisfying her ego. Both she and her husband were selfish. The difference is in the decision to seek satisfaction elsewhere.