Why start/continue a affair?

[oceanview]

Hi. As a read many of these threads and have always wondered the same question. It appears (in some cases) that many still love their spouse. So WHY would anyone what to start or continue a affair????

[bubbaganoosh]

The lack of good judgement mainly. There's a ton of excuses but none are valid. If your not happy about something you talk about it, if it doesn't work you seek some kind of counseling and if all else fails then end the relationship, but an affair only adds more problems to the relationship and in most cases can't be repaired.

[fellini]

If a spouse is still in love with another spouse, but then stumbles suddenly and chemically in love with a co-worker or whatever, there seems no urgency to end the marriage. But there does seem an urgency to check out these new feelings. People who love each other after years have a deep gripping bond.

 

People who are getting off on each other and getting giddy with sexual tension seem to need immediate satisfaction.

 

A married spouse heading into an affair is in a dilemna then:

 

How can I be "in love" with two people at the same time?

If I am in love with two people at the same time, then it must be real, although it's wrong. But here I am, and it feels right.

I can't just walk out of a 15 year marriage without having any real complaint about my partner now can I? I mean, not one big enough to justify walking out the door.

 

Im just going to check out where these conflictive feelings take me and eventually I will do the right thing.

 

And then finally:

 

Hey, this is doable!

[Mrs. John Adams]

I will answer you as honestly as I know how. I let my ego get the best of me..plain and simple. I lost sight of the person I had always been and became a selfish egotistical person. I was living in the moment and I did not think about my past or my future.

 

All I cared about was the good I was feeling...never giving thought to the pain that awaited my husband , my family and even myself.

[Mr. Lucky]

So WHY would anyone what to start or continue a affair????

 

I see most affairs as acts of cowardice.

 

The AP fills a perceived need the WS is afraid to ask their spouse to address. Perhaps they don't want to be seen as weak, needy or demanding. Regardless, it's often easier to create a new fantasy relationship than to fix the problems in a real one. Some lack the courage to do the right thing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kilgore]

I will answer you as honestly as I know how. I let my ego get the best of me..plain and simple. I lost sight of the person I had always been and became a selfish egotistical person. I was living in the moment and I did not think about my past or my future.

 

All I cared about was the good I was feeling...never giving thought to the pain that awaited my husband , my family and even myself.

 

Thanks for being so honest

[Betrayed&Stayed]

External Validation

Conflict Avoidance Personality

Lack of Boundaries

Sense of Entitlement

Belief in not Getting Caught

Sex

Did I Say Sex?

Ego Stroke

Most Cheaters believe that their situation is the exception, not the rule (ironically that is the rule)

Excitement

Drama

Sex

and Sex

Impulsiveness; not thinking about consequences

[Sassy Girl]

You're not going to like the answer, but the truth is that in the moment, it feels really really good. It does. And for people who don't feel a lot of good, it's very appealing. For me it absolutely was an escape. And it was passionate. And exciting. I wasn't the wife/mother/employee. I was someone's "lover." And I'd never been referred to as that before.

 

I knew very well that we weren't special snowflakes and that it was just your run of he mill ego feeding, cake eating affair... But damn it felt good for those few hours a week. That's why I kept it going.

[Mr Mind of Shazam]

I have a minority opinion about this, I think. I try to keep it simple, as I am an uncomplicated man.

 

The biggest factor when it comes to entering an affair is not morality, loyalty, or related concepts. It's opportunity. If the opportunity presents itself, there is a mental calculus: "can I get away with it without harming my primary relationship?"

 

And that's pretty much it. If a person has more opportunities, the likelihood of consummating an illicit romantic relationship increases. Now, it doesn't increase to the point of certainty, but it increases.

 

As for why it continues, I think sex with the affair partner is a lot of fun. It also tends to be cheap (literally cheap, not a euphemism for tawdry), in that you can't go out and have fun, be seen with your paramour, and otherwise date them publicly. It quickly just becomes about physical intimacy: then all you need is a place to do i. Compared to an above the board relationship, it's very cheap.

 

And that's pretty much it.

[MightyPen]

Blunt answer: We are social animals and we are not hard-wired to remain monogamous for our entire lives. We set up societal constructs to temper our natural inclinations but in the end, we're fighting against nature, and it's tough (but not impossible) to resist our natural instincts.

 

Do some people have successful, monogamous relationships? Sure! But that just means (to me) that they have resisted natural instincts to be with others. To say it another way, if someone in one of those relationships were to tell me that he/she never desired or fantasized about being with another person, I would not believe them for a SECOND. Even if they were able to resist acting on desires, they still had them.

[Buckeye2]

These responses are all fantastic and I believe accurate. What’s get me is when people run to therapy to discover why they did it. It’s as if they’re “broken” with some mental illness and need psychiatric therapy. They’re not broken. They’re perfectly normal. Saying that they’re broken is like saying the devil made me do it. It wasn’t their decision, it wasn't an illness.

 

You don’t put a bank robber on a couch to psychoanalyze why they robbed the bank with all the money in it. It’s simple. They like money and thought that they would get away with it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

These responses are all fantastic and I believe accurate. What’s get me is when people run to therapy to discover why they did it. It’s as if they’re “broken” with some mental illness and need psychiatric therapy. They’re not broken. They’re perfectly normal. Saying that they’re broken is like saying the devil made me do it. It wasn’t their decision, it wasn't an illness.

 

You don’t put a bank robber on a couch to psychoanalyze why they robbed the bank with all the money in it. It’s simple. They like money and thought that they would get away with it.

 

I would not say this is accurate...I understand what you are saying.

I gave my answer above as honestly as I could. But I would remind us all that there are circumstances leading to the whys. Not excuses...but circumstances. It is not all cut and dried and neatly packaged as to why some of us can allow ourselves to become something else...someone else.

 

PTSD certainly can change a persons ability to process situations correctly....or sexual molestations....or abandonment....or abuse....are just a few examples of things that can alter a persons ability to have good judgements. Sometimes we have to dive deeper into the mind of a betrayer to see why they were able to make the decisions they made.

 

I don't necessarily agree that all waywards do it because they think they can get away with it. I am not sure all waywards are that rational....as a matter of fact..they are not rational at all...or they would not cheat....at least..this wayward would not have. I don't think I was rational...if I had been..I would never have put myself in the position I was in in the first place.

[TX-SC]

Very simple. People cheat because they want more than they have. Whether it's an ego boost or better/more sex, it really boils down to lusting after what you don't have. A person can truly love their spouse and still cheat. Just as I can love my Martin D28 and still lust after a Guild D40. Or I can love my old truck and lust after a new one. When these people are presented with a chance to have what they lust after, they go for it. I can afford any guitar I want, and that's why I have so many.

 

But everyone is unique. Some of us truly value what we have. Some of us played enough guitars to know that once the newness rubs off, it's still a guitar and no better than what you have now. Some of us dated enough and slept around enough when single to know that the sex is as good as you make it. New doesn't mean better. I wouldn't trade sex with my wife for any number of affairs.

 

When people cheat, they become selfish. They know it will perhaps end their marriage. They know it will destroy their spouse. But they are willing to look beyond that so they can get what they want. No matter how much they say they didn't mean to hurt their spouse, they knew it would. No matter how much they compartmentalize, they still knew what they were doing was wrong.

[Noideanow]

Blunt answer: We are social animals and we are not hard-wired to remain monogamous for our entire lives. We set up societal constructs to temper our natural inclinations but in the end, we're fighting against nature, and it's tough (but not impossible) to resist our natural instincts.

 

Do some people have successful, monogamous relationships? Sure! But that just means (to me) that they have resisted natural instincts to be with others. To say it another way, if someone in one of those relationships were to tell me that he/she never desired or fantasized about being with another person, I would not believe them for a SECOND. Even if they were able to resist acting on desires, they still had them.

 

Just because you havn't experienced it doesnt mean it doesnt exist:bunny:

 

its like hearing a blind man say i dont for a second believe in the ability to see:bunny: and you Can say what you want i still dont believe it:laugh:

 

Just because its your belief/opinion doesnt make it other People's reality/or a fact of life:lmao:

[Mount]

Totally agree. Nowadays, people tend to put a label to categorize the problem with any reason they find, i.e. husband's cheating due to sex addict, foo issue....or he/she is bi-polar, some kind of disorder...etc. Come on, be real, people.

 

 

These responses are all fantastic and I believe accurate. What’s get me is when people run to therapy to discover why they did it. It’s as if they’re “broken” with some mental illness and need psychiatric therapy. They’re not broken. They’re perfectly normal. Saying that they’re broken is like saying the devil made me do it. It wasn’t their decision, it wasn't an illness.

 

You don’t put a bank robber on a couch to psychoanalyze why they robbed the bank with all the money in it. It’s simple. They like money and thought that they would get away with it.

[autumnnight]

I think it starts with self-centeredness and selfishness and morphs into "I want what I want." Then we try to dress it up with justifications, sob stories, and psuedo-intellectual half-baked anthropology. But basically, it's just plain old selfishness.

[spanz1]

Blunt answer: We are social animals and we are not hard-wired to remain monogamous for our entire lives. We set up societal constructs to temper our natural inclinations but in the end, we're fighting against nature, and it's tough (but not impossible) to resist our natural instincts.

 

Do some people have successful, monogamous relationships? Sure! But that just means (to me) that they have resisted natural instincts to be with others. To say it another way, if someone in one of those relationships were to tell me that he/she never desired or fantasized about being with another person, I would not believe them for a SECOND. Even if they were able to resist acting on desires, they still had them.

 

 

 

yes this is a big factor. Eons of human nature.

 

 

another one is that in almost ANY marriage there are tough spots or a waning of sexual activity. So the temptation of a hot new sex partner is doubled if you are comparing it to a dead sex life at home.

 

 

What IS a little surprising is that people do not TRY to improve the sex life at home first. For half or even less the effort of having an affair, you can easily try to improve the at home sex.

 

 

the lucky ones are those that realize this, AND have a partner that snaps out of it and says "if they want to try for better sex at home...I am willing to try too"

[BlueDress]

Hi. As a read many of these threads and have always wondered the same question. It appears (in some cases) that many still love their spouse. So WHY would anyone what to start or continue a affair????

 

He was tricked into it because he thought he was getting something better. He's slowly realizing that wasn't the case. The over he had for me was overshadowed by what he thought he was getting.

[merrmeade]

You're not going to like the answer, but the truth is that in the moment, it feels really really good. It does. And for people who don't feel a lot of good, it's very appealing. For me it absolutely was an escape. And it was passionate. And exciting. I wasn't the wife/mother/employee. I was someone's "lover." And I'd never been referred to as that before.

 

I knew very well that we weren't special snowflakes and that it was just your run of the mill ego feeding, cake eating affair... But damn it felt good for those few hours a week. That's why I kept it going.

Oh, absolutely. This and what people have said about admiration, opportunity, and the excitement of being bad and getting away with it.

 

I've put myself in my WH's shoes so many times and always come up with this. It simply felt great to be wanted. And his answer more times than not is one word: Flattery. He calls them "flings" though I think there's always an overlay of EA to justify. I'm not sure if we should classify types of affairs similar to types of cheaters. Mostly tendencies overlap I think. Bringing in compatibility, true love or destiny seems to legitimize the affair.

 

In his own words:

There are no comparisons with anyone else and I have never done that. It was propinquity only and I should have known better. I guess there was a lot of insecurity involved to be

so

easily flattered and vulnerable to someone else.

And in mine:

1. No comparisons between BS and AP; there's simply no thought of the other.
   
2. Propinquity - being with someone a lot - facilitates limerance or infatuation. Equivalent to opportunity.
   
3. "Should have known better" — of course they know! — but don’t want to stop.
   
4. There is a deep-seated need and vulnerability to that kind of attention.

Hell, there's no thought of the marriage in the beginning. Just the opposite. It's all about the rush you get from flirting, escalating the innuendos and sexual tension. Someone coming onto you is a game that some people find utterly irresistible, starting with simply noticing you're being noticed. I used to know and play this game - the hunting/mating game - myself before marriage and knew exactly what people were going to do. I knew that my husband would be in this bar the next night waiting for me with his friends. And he was. I knew how to sidle up to the friend I knew and get introduced. From there, it was playing the game of upping the interest and come-ons right up to the payoff (sex). For people who love the rush of the pursuit, “falling in love" or capturing a conquest, either one, starts with being noticed and then pursued. It's flattering and turns you on to feel desirable, virile, sexy. But there is NO thought of spouse, girlfriend or any other commitment if you were open to it in the first place. Then, if it's easy to continue — if you don't get caught — there's the rush of doing something illicit, on the edge, and getting away with it.

 

My H's first affair was a year and a half after we'd married. He was in grad school and they worked together on a project. He was always gorgeous and virile and turned on the charm for women, young or old, when (not if) they noticed him. I just never could conceive of the possibility that he wasn't following the same inner restraints I was and so couldn't even acknowledge inappropriate behavior to myself, much less to him. Since he was never called on it, he had no reason to change.

 

As for the extramarital relationship with an emotional component: I think that's not so different from the rush of the 'fling.' My H had one such connection with a mutual 'friend' (or so I thought) that went on 'for years,' he said, and never consummated because of her reluctance. Yet even this side benefit made him feel wanted, desired, lovable.

 

No, I don't believe for one minute it's BECAUSE of something wrong with the marriage and they should think about how to fix that to resemble whatever's so appealing about the affair. Pffft! Are you kidding? There's no contest. The AP doesn't sh-t, wipe her bottom, fart, burp, or complain about the dishes. She's just adoring and turned on, ready and urgently wanting you. She's got a body under those clothes that's going to feel fantastic, and she's dying for you to touch it. Why on earth would you think about your marriage or spouse in that situation?

Edited October 20, 2015 by merrmeade

[fellini]

But ultimately, in the end, your argument is only that people are not wired for monogamy.

 

If this were true, then human social and biologoical and therefore economic and legal evolution would favor those who choose not to marry, would change the entire social structure of marriage as an institution.

 

But it is not changing. If I am wired for multiple sexual partners then I would not enter into any institution which would make it more difficult for me to survive in non monogamous relationships.

 

The question is WHY CHEAT and have continue having AFFAIRS.

If I am non-monogamous, then I should walk away from my marriage allowing me to have uncomplicated sexual relations with whomsoever I please.

 

It seems to me that people need to be clear about which monogamy they are talking about.

 

As Esther Perel has so succinctly put it:

 

Monogamy used to mean one partner for life.

Now monogamy means one partner at a time.

 

The first definition adequately explains why many people (especially those with social and economic power) had "mistresses".

 

The second definition merely means that if you really need to be with someone else, then do the right thing by leaving your current partner for another.

 

But the question is WHY DONT CHEATERS just LEAVE to be with the OTHER?

 

I do not see this as an issue of monogamy (a social value), I see it as an issue of personal values and personal ethics.

 

 

 

 

Blunt answer: We are social animals and we are not hard-wired to remain monogamous for our entire lives. We set up societal constructs to temper our natural inclinations but in the end, we're fighting against nature, and it's tough (but not impossible) to resist our natural instincts.

 

Do some people have successful, monogamous relationships? Sure! But that just means (to me) that they have resisted natural instincts to be with others. To say it another way, if someone in one of those relationships were to tell me that he/she never desired or fantasized about being with another person, I would not believe them for a SECOND. Even if they were able to resist acting on desires, they still had them.

[waterwoman]

Because it feels good. Because they don't want to lose what they have but they want something on top. I don't think it most cases it's meant to be a swap, just a top up.

 

And because at that time, what they want matters more than what others want and that they can close their eyes to any potential damage.

 

I had an EA many many years ago. Never intended to end my marriage or lose my H but the OM made me feel good. It ended when OM decided it all meant more than it did and told me he'd left his GF and he would be patient while I divorced my H. He didn't see me for dust! I suspect H's affair was similar - and while the OW was doing a little subtle manipulation of her own to force the issue, it ended because I found out.

 

I don't much buy the argument that infidelity is natural - smallpox is natural, infant mortality is natural, eating more than you need in case of future famine is natural - but we don't see these things as inevitable. You choose your behaviour, so being unfaithful is a personal choice.

[merrmeade]

But ultimately, in the end, your argument is only that people are not wired for monogamy.

 

If this were true, then human social and biologoical and therefore economic and legal evolution would favor those who choose not to marry, would change the entire social structure of marriage as an institution.

 

But it is not changing. If I am wired for multiple sexual partners then I would not enter into any institution which would make it more difficult for me to survive in non monogamous relationships.

 

The question is WHY CHEAT and have continue having AFFAIRS.

If I am non-monogamous, then I should walk away from my marriage allowing me to have uncomplicated sexual relations with whomsoever I please.

 

It seems to me that people need to be clear about which monogamy they are talking about.

 

As Esther Perel has so succinctly put it:

 

Monogamy used to mean one partner for life.

Now monogamy means one partner at a time.

 

The first definition adequately explains why many people (especially those with social and economic power) had "mistresses".

 

The second definition merely means that if you really need to be with someone else, then do the right thing by leaving your current partner for another.

 

But the question is WHY DONT CHEATERS just LEAVE to be with the OTHER?

 

I do not see this as an issue of monogamy (a social value), I see it as an issue of personal values and personal ethics.

Yes, and some cheaters see/feel it that way, too—even serial cheaters. At some point, they can't live with themselves and make something happen. They don't see themselves as serial cheaters and the supposed values of the good person they present to the world begins to eat at them. It IS a core belief in monogamy, and over time festers, producing excruciatingly painful toxic shame, which they try to avoid by avoiding the subject.

 

And so, whether they blame something else or themselves, their initial actions in having an affair are likely a breach of personal values and ethics, which include a core belief in monogamy. In fact, you can see this in how they deal with the affair and/or the aftermath.

 

Although my WH cheated multiple times, I've analyzed them to death and believe he did struggle with this dichotomy. With each one, he seemed to come to a point of reckoning after a few months or else he deluded himself into viewing the affair itself as something else. If they'd had intercourse, he acknowledged it as an affair and realized either he should divorce or end it. Obviously they ended somehow.

[SammySammy]

You're not going to like the answer, but the truth is that in the moment, it feels really really good. It does. And for people who don't feel a lot of good, it's very appealing. For me it absolutely was an escape. And it was passionate. And exciting. I wasn't the wife/mother/employee. I was someone's "lover." And I'd never been referred to as that before.

 

I knew very well that we weren't special snowflakes and that it was just your run of he mill ego feeding, cake eating affair... But damn it felt good for those few hours a week. That's why I kept it going.

 

Excellent answer.

 

The truth is that affairs tend to fill some needs. Whether it's a need to be appreciated, desired or simply sexually satisfied.

 

It's easy to discount the reasons for having an affair as selfishness and ego, but, objectively, that's not the whole story.

[Realist3]

You're not going to like the answer, but the truth is that in the moment, it feels really really good. It does. And for people who don't feel a lot of good, it's very appealing. For me it absolutely was an escape. And it was passionate. And exciting. I wasn't the wife/mother/employee. I was someone's "lover." And I'd never been referred to as that before.

 

I knew very well that we weren't special snowflakes and that it was just your run of he mill ego feeding, cake eating affair... But damn it felt good for those few hours a week. That's why I kept it going.

 

 

Unless you have experienced it, it is hard to describe. I have done many exhilarating things in my life, very little compares. Every aspect adds. It is something that is not supposed to happen, but does.

[autumnnight]

He was tricked into it because he thought he was getting something better. He's slowly realizing that wasn't the case. The over he had for me was overshadowed by what he thought he was getting.

 

I have to say, no sweetie...no.

 

He chose to cheat, he chose to leave, and you need to choose to move on