rsmith67337 Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I've been doing some reading here and thought if I made a thread it would help me sort my thoughts. I'm 32 years old, been married to my wife since I was 23, dated her since I was 17 , even lived together 3 years before marriage and a family. Things kind of got rocky after 3 years of marriage and a couple of kids, she had some post partem issues that really strained us. Things did improve but with any marriage of this style we had rough patches every couple of years, brought up the D word a few times. She has some health issues that may be quite scary for her future, and in the process of the health issues she has battled with pain killer addiction. She would have cycles of using them, detoxing and not using them then back to them. This even more strained our marriage, as we have trouble getting along when she gets to point of over-medicating. This last summer we decided we were not happy and wanted to have a trial separation of sorts. Even separate the finances and share the kids ect.. It was perfectly mutual at first. Then she started softening up, but I was worried about going back too soon and things not improving and I kept distance there for about a month. The second month of separation I started softening on it, and really wanted to figure things out. We even made plans of trial living together for a short time them deciding if it was worthwhile for us. Right before that happened she made a firm stand that she wanted a divorce. I told her I did not want a divorce and tried my best to convince her, but I could tell she wasn't on the same page anymore. I tried to keep things on a friend level hoping we could stay really good friends, and she was honest and told me she was going on a date. That is a bad idea to be doing during a divorce, but part of me thought, maybe that would help her, to see what that was all about after only being with eachother our whole adult lives. This didn't help at all.. She claims she fell in love with this guy, who was a mutual friend of ours for 10 years.. This severely depressed me and I tried my best to talk her out of it, but she was totally cold to me at this point. Fast forward a month later to now.. While seperated she claimed her medication use and health issues have calmed.. I thought that might be good, if our marriage was getting stressful then it wasn't helping her.. This last week she has opened up to me periodically.. She told me how she was taking more medication than when I was there, more than ever and any point she has taken previously and she was in over her head with it. At one point she said, she didn't think it was going to work with this guy.. At one point she said she thought she knew what she was doing and now she has a guy trying to move his stuff in her house, and kids, and talking about marriage. Another time she opened up to me talking about going to rehab. I really pressed her on the issue the other day and she seems very conflicted.. Its like she made a life changing decision and part of her is afraid to back out of it and look like a fool to me and her family and everyone involved.. She will tell me something negative then later in the day back peddle and say she is making right decision and she is happy.. I know she is about to the point of detoxing, because she will get in over her head with the meds to the point a doctor wont refill her early and she has no choice.. I offered to help detox her, and tried to tell her to slow things down and not make decisions on so much medication.. At this point Ive done all I can, I would like to save my family, but its not in my hands.. I could never be a fall back guy, but if she truly made a huge mistake and it grew her as a person then I think it could bring us closer together. I dont think she will be as happy as she thinks in her new situation.. But maybe Im wrong.. Im to the point of just trying to stay friend and be there for her where I can, and let it all run its course. I just hope she doesn't get into something and stay in it too long being unhappy because she doesn't want to look foolish with such hasty decisions. This guy came in and took advantage of a vulnerability I helped create in the marriage, and he absolutely worships her. I think she enamored in the idea of having a guy like that, as putty in her hands. Other aspects are, she has always be SAHM. Ive held fairly good jobs. This guy doesnt make that much money, and this will be first time she will have to live within means, lower means that she is used to. Once I lost it all, my eyes opened to so much I could have done to avoid this.. or maybe it was inevitable.
Jersey born raised Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 You mentioned kids, whose children are they? Her meds are they just pain or do they include depression or hormony replacement. My ex's was a not sp good trip.
turnera Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 My view, both of you need to be alone for a year or so, to learn to be ok as a single, sole human being. You two never grew up without being tied together, so neither of you have any idea who you really are. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 This last summer we decided we were not happy and wanted to have a trial separation of sorts. Even separate the finances and share the kids ect.. It was perfectly mutual at first. A separation is a practice divorce, not the thing to do if reconciliation and marital recovery are your eventual goals. But it seems you're found this out the hard way. I know she is about to the point of detoxing, because she will get in over her head with the meds to the point a doctor wont refill her early and she has no choice.. I offered to help detox her, and tried to tell her to slow things down and not make decisions on so much medication.. At this point Ive done all I can, I would like to save my family, but its not in my hands.. I could never be a fall back guy, but if she truly made a huge mistake and it grew her as a person then I think it could bring us closer together. I dont think she will be as happy as she thinks in her new situation.. But maybe Im wrong.. Im to the point of just trying to stay friend and be there for her where I can, and let it all run its course. I just hope she doesn't get into something and stay in it too long being unhappy because she doesn't want to look foolish with such hasty decisions. You need to face some hard truths - your wife is an addict. Allowing her to parent your children under these circumstances is asking for trouble and you need to demand either she enter detox/rehab or you'll take sole physical custody. Addicts don't make decisions, they make compromises, rationalizations, mistakes and outright blunders. You're as much in denial as she is and may be co-dependent. A couple of NarAnon meetings would be a much needed wake-up call... Mr. Lucky 3
MichaelEdwards Posted October 20, 2015 Posted October 20, 2015 If your wife is an addict, you should definitely consider the option rehab. She will recover and will have to put so much faith and hope for her. The key thing is that all of this should not affect your children. Keep full custody of them.
Author rsmith67337 Posted October 20, 2015 Author Posted October 20, 2015 So we have 3 kids. They are doing ok so far, Im paying attention to them and her family is. They are not in harm.. This guy who is trying to move in, has 4 kids.. I do not think this will work. . She has had troubles with opiate pain killers.. Actually found out today she ran out day before yesterday and moved to something called gabapentin, which non-narcotic.. and its keeping her withdrawl symptoms away. Mr Lucky, you are totally correct, I learned a big lesson here, and hope anyone else reading this heeds the advise.. Think deep if you truly want something to last, do not separate unless your ready for divorce.. Like I said, I was at the beginning.. I should have went back immediately when that wasn't my goal. She agreed to detox until she switched to this different med.. Im going to sign her up for counseling. Turnera, I absolutely agree with you... we became eachothers identities by growing up together.. Ive asked her to consider, being single also, even if she doesnt want to be married to me.
Author rsmith67337 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 I figured I would post an update here.. just to turn some heads, maybe people like drama and soap opera type stuff.. She ran out of pain meds the other day, and called me pretty distraught.. Almost like regretful.. I went over there to talk to her and of course we had sex immediately.. after nothing this whole time since she broke things off and went with this other guy. She told me how awful he was at sex afterwards.. but she felt horrible that she had committed to him and done this.. Kind of made me feel ****ty at first, then I shrugged it off.. Not sure what to think about that, next day she was back to where she was, no regrets with ending our relationship.. lol She never cheated on me ever in 14 years we've been committed. I told her, well we are still legally married.. I told her I also wouldnt say a word to anyone(maybe some strangers on here) My life is getting strange. I normally wouldn't be party to something like this, but it was my wife, we were separated and he was a friend who moved in on it.. That could be the beginning of the end for them, or not? Only way I would take her back is if she really truly honestly got in touch with reality and wanted to make a change.. Which by reading on here, is rare.
turnera Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Well, now she knows. She can hit you up for booty call whenever she wants something, cos you're easy. Oh well. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 She ran out of pain meds the other day, and called me pretty distraught.. Almost like regretful.. I went over there to talk to her and of course we had sex immediately.. after nothing this whole time since she broke things off and went with this other guy. She told me how awful he was at sex afterwards.. but she felt horrible that she had committed to him and done this.. Kind of made me feel ****ty at first, then I shrugged it off.. Not sure what to think about that, next day she was back to where she was, no regrets with ending our relationship.. lol Couple of things to think about, skipping over the irony of your wife "cheating" on her current BF with you - - getting her pregnant, not a good idea. Things complicated enough already. - pretty small crumbs you're being offered. Sure they're what you want? - this isn't exactly moving forward with your life . As long as she keeps you in her orbit, she has lots of options. Problem is, you have none and I'd hope you'd get dissatisfied with this arrangement pretty quickly. Question is, what next ??? Mr. Lucky 1
MidwestUSA Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Couple of things to think about, skipping over the irony of your wife "cheating" on her current BF with you - - getting her pregnant, not a good idea. Things complicated enough already. Mr. Lucky She could already be pregnant - by the guy who sucks at sex. She could confess the 'affair' later and choose the baby's daddy based on her mood that day. Careful there, OP, mentioning soap opera stuff.
beach Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Well, now she knows. She can hit you up for booty call whenever she wants something, cos you're easy. Oh well. Yep, you're allowing her to manipulate you big time. She's using you by crying on your shoulder, offering sex at the same time as seeing your 'friend' and considering having him move in with four more kids! How much more are you planning to be her doormat? She could also be putting you at risk for diseases. I hope you used a condom! And you can't fix her addiction - it doesn't work that way. Take it from a gal who's helped more than 100 people get clean/sober. Stop being so understanding - she's altered and supposed to be caring for 3 small kids! Your kids lives could be at risk especially if she drives them. And if she's on oxy - it processes the same as heroin. Consider that - you may have a heroin addict taking care of your kids. Get full custody of your kids. Stop allowing her to manipulate and use you. Most times - drinkers/addicts only change when they suffer severe consequences. Start enforcing a healthy boundary that helps you and your kids!
beach Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 If you don't start standing up for yourself you're likely going to end up supporting her, her boyfriend and 7 or 8 kids. Stop letting her rule your life. Have her move immediately and take charge of your kids, the house and your life with the kids. She can figure out where to rent. You have an extreme junky on your hands and she has no business being around your kids. Addicts lie. You can't believe one word she tells you. 1
loveboid Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Rehab, rehab, rehab. Her mind is messed up and she needs outside help to get rehab because she isn't thinking clearly. You cannot expect a drowning person to save himself. She called out for help by mentioning rehab to you. Throw her a lifeline. Get professionals to help her with that one thing and slowly she will figure out the rest herself.
Author rsmith67337 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 Wow you guys are right. I was taking this pretty lightly. She does seem unstable emotionally. I can see the kids are being cared for. The house is always clean, home cooked meals, but she falls out late at night after taking all day. The problem is too the doctor is allowing this. I heard he told her she has to go to pain management. He can't keep writing her rx. She does truly have some pain issues and will be worse in future with her health issue. I have her parents and family keeping an eye on her too. I've not left them all alone out of sight. It is sad. I do wish I hadn't gone for the sex because that is having cake and eating it too, just backwards. If this guy doesn't want intimately fullfill her if I stay away from that, then what they have may not progress. I am a confused sad individual right now. Also we had our last child she got tubes tied. So no pregnancy stuff. Right now I'm trying to get her to councilor who also specializes in substance problems.. She backed outa rehab and detox options I presented.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 Addicts lie. As the old saying goes, only when their lips are moving. And rsmith67337, you're making plans based on her lies. Do you know the only thing she's planning - get more opiates. In harshest terms, forget her and focus 100% on protecting your kids and moving forward with your life... Mr. Lucky
Author rsmith67337 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 So question.. How does that even work? If I try to go for custody. I say she takes prescriptions the doctor gives her and she says she has medical issue. And there currently is no signs of abuse or neglect. Can you get custody purely off the fact she has legit prescriptions? So once in past a doctor told her he couldn't do any more RX and sent her to pain management. They would not write her narcotics. Only lyrica. She has to quit. So she is back to that, they want pain management and dont want to write her anymore. maybe they will do the same.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 I'll almost guarantee she's not running out of pills. When her scripts are exhausted, she's got an alternate source - a friend, a dealer, the street, etc. Does she work? Does she have financial problems? If you're patient, there will most likely be an issue arise that will help you custody situation... Mr. Lucky
Author rsmith67337 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) So where we were living is in middle of nowhere. She knew a few friends who had their own but alot less and alot weaker. They have loaned her some to get by a day or two in past. No one has enough to supply her nor does she have money. You are right though she ran out the other day got the gabapentin and her friend gave her a small amount to get to the next day for refill. Guess I'll just wait and see what happens while I run this through the process. That early refill request did finallu prompt doctor to remove himself.. Just hope pain management arent just pill pushers. Edited October 23, 2015 by rsmith67337
turnera Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 She left you right? SO STOP TAKING CARE OF HER. Duh. It's her family's problem now. And her boyfriend's. The more you do for her, the more you 'try to get her to a doctor,' the longer before SHE will seek help and the worse off she will be when she finally does. YOU ARE HURTING HER by helping her.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 23, 2015 Posted October 23, 2015 So where we were living is in middle of nowhere. She knew a few friends who had their own but alot less and alot weaker. They have loaned her some to get by a day or two in past. No one has enough to supply her nor does she have money. You are right though she ran out the other day got the gabapentin and her friend gave her a small amount to get to the next day for refill. Guess I'll just wait and see what happens while I run this through the process. That early refill request did finallu prompt doctor to remove himself.. Just hope pain management arent just pill pushers. rsmith, only telling you this because I'm ahead in the learning curve, having lived with a family member addicted to pills for years. Multiply everything she tells you X 10. She's abusing the pills and running out early in the cycle and she's getting more than a "small amount" from other sources, eating into cash flow. Addicts are good at letting you see what they want you to and perfect the art of telling small lies so you don't see the big ones. Eventually the sh*t hits the fan and they can't hold it all together any more. You should prepare yourself and I'll again say NarAnon would shed some light on the process... Mr. Lucky
Author rsmith67337 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Posted October 24, 2015 Turnera, you are probably right there. I haven't been able to think straight and I'm not even taking drugs.. Being with the same person since I was 17 and now they drifted away, is turning out to be much more painful of a tie to cut than I ever imagined. The drugs are heart breaking. She was such a sweet person and it changed her. When we had our 1st and 2nd kid, she had c-sections, and didn't even finish her prescriptions afterwards. It was after having the kids and we moved and she had post partem issues. She felt isolated and started having anxiety issues.. We didn't know what it was really, things just got weird. Then she ended up having a foot surgery and they gave her lots of strong pain meds, she took them for a while.. That event is what truly changed her. It wasn't long after foot surgery she had a root canal at dentist, and the pain never quit or so she said. Ear nose and throat doctor ran some scans and discovered an issue with very small tumors that could grow, and a condition that has potential to cause more spontaneous tumors in her life. She is basically lucky so far but she knows her condition could get very bad one day.. I think that messed with her deeply. They kept giving her pain meds ever since, until she would get to point she would run out 2 weeks early and she would quit. She has had specialist say he doesn't see a physical reason for pain. She said she would go to counselor, Not sure if that would help her at this point.. I do know this is far out of my hands. Perhaps she thinks Im the cause of her problems and in my absence the problems will still exist. Don't screw with drugs people, might be fun at first, but you will wake up a different person one day and not even realize it.
oldshirt Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 your wife is an addict. Addict's brains don't work right. stop trying to look for anything logical or rational in anything she says or does. Addicts will say or do anything that they think is a good idea in their messed up minds at that moment without any regard to reality or to future consequences. Protect yourself, protect your finances,resources and property and protect your children from her.
turnera Posted October 24, 2015 Posted October 24, 2015 fwiw, cheating is ALSO an addiction. It's why you'll see cheaters giving up homes, families, careers, even all their money just to have one more hit of an affair partner.
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