jenlynn Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I've posted on here a couple of times. My b/u happened November 2014 (blindsided by him, I moved out and my entire life changed over night). I tried to hang tough for the eight months following. We continued to share our dog. He stayed in our home, continued being successful in his career, bought a new car, traveled to exotic places and so on. I struggled to find stable housing, was depressed and lost 40 lbs as I couldn't eat for the first 3 months post b/u. I had to charge groceries to my credit card along with gas. It was exhausting and felt very demeaning. All of my 'friends' were made through him and they chose him in the end. I had no family. In the end, no real support system in place. This past June, I reached my breaking point. I packed my few belongings and took our dog and left. In a way, it felt like another break up. Also, that might sound a bit harsh but I was the primary caregiver to our dog. He would just ask for him when it was convenient (ex: when he wasn't traveling for business or traveling for pleasure or wanting to party/go on benders). I felt taken advantage of. He was livid and couldn't believe I would do something like this. Sharing our dog and also having my ex play the victim has been really difficult for me to process everything. We're 30 (this isn't our first rodeo or a fling) and lived together for almost three years. He was designing my engagement ring and always talked about our future. I won't write out the list but everything he did and said- did not indicate a breakup. Quite the opposite- I and all of our friends and his family thought for sure we would be engaged soon and everything else that followed. Where I am now: I moved back to my hometown to be near family and friends. It's been good and bad. It's nice to be around people that love me for me but it feels that everyone has their own lives. I also have a strained relationship with my mom. I have also struggled with lifestyle. My hometown is all about eating out and going to the movies. Where I lived with my ex; we went to the mountains, snowboarded, hiked, camped, rode bikes through the city and on and on- very active. I'm also working really hard but still short $100 per month which feels again, demeaning and exhausting. I moved back to my hometown to rest and save money but I'm still finding myself exhausted and I'm not able to save anything. I'm just surviving... again just like I was eight months after the b/u. I suppose I'm just wondering if I'll ever emotionally, mentally, physically and financially recover from this break up? I get so upset that it's almost been a year and I feel 'stuck' still and of course, he hasn't missed a beat. Things I've done: made new friends, did some traveling, began working out again, went to therapy, spending lots of time with my dog, setting goals, spending time with friends, got a new job, etc. I've also been in No Contact for almost three months and had very limited contact the month before total NC. I'm not checking any social media and asking family and friends not to give me updates on him. Also, I still love him despite the things he did and said. When I start to 'fantasize' about him, I do catch myself and remind myself but he did this and said that. So, I'm trying to scramble my brain/rose colored glasses view of him. Not a lot is working though. I feel that I've taken action. I feel that I've been patient but F#@$&^*#! When does it get better? Does time really heal b/c I'm beginning to think that might be BS. Any advice? Any off the wall thoughts? I'm pretty open right now.
Author jenlynn Posted October 18, 2015 Author Posted October 18, 2015 Pretty open as in, just tap out of society and go live in the woods, in a cabin with my dog. Just to clarify.
minimariah Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 (edited) hello! since you've only gone NC three months ago - i think you can count your official breakup starting then. your healing began with NC even though it seems like an entire year. of course you'll get over it! many of us had been there, there was a time when i was convinced that i'll absolutely NEVER feel those butterflies again... & i was wrong. you did a very good job by cutting him off - focus on your health, your happiness and seek for some direct support from your family and friends. be honest with them and tell them how you feel, ask for their love & kindness. wishing you the best. it does get better! please, keep your hopes up and try to keep looking forward. do you have any hobbies? how does your day to day life looks like? what are some of your goals in life? maybe you can start with that, write it here and we can give you some advice, share experience and such. don't be a stranger, there are a lot of awesome folks over here ready to give you support. Edited October 18, 2015 by minimariah 2
stillafool Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I agree. You've only been NC for 3 months. It's good that you don't check for him on social media and you've told his friends not to talk about him. There must be people around you who mountain bike, hike and camp. I would suggest you find them. You really have to stay busy, busy and more busy. If you are short of cash you might seek a second job to keep you busier. Depression can make you feel exhausted so that's probably why you're tired. Actually I wouldn't spend much time on LS talking about your ex as this will keep him on your mind.
BrokenManAgain Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 You got better already. You're not only surviving, you're thriving. Yes, some things are tough. But you moved home. You found friends. And you didn't break down and die.
Zapbasket Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Oh my, I could have written this post almost verbatim, minus the bit about the dog. That, and I didn't move back home but instead stuck it out despite the social isolation. I'm definitely no poster child for "moving on" and "healing," in that it has been two years post breakup for me and I still struggle with it. The whole thing truly brought me to my knees emotionally and my hurt was compounded by not having any family or friends where I live and having to deal with the whole breakup aftermath alone, among strangers. I have struggled financially, socially, emotionally, and spiritually. Luckily for me I found a really good therapist and have been seeing him weekly this whole time; otherwise, any gains I have made have been solely due to my own strength and determination. And in recognizing that, I have gained a huge amount of respect for myself. This whole thing has taught me that I'm pretty freaking awesome, and I genuinely have come to like who I am. It does get better, but only gradually, and not just through "time." Contrary to what people say, time DOES NOT heal all wounds. No. It's what you DO in the time that either heals you or dooms you to repeat the same mistake all over again. Time helps in that you must trust that each step you take matters, even if there are set-backs, even if you make a few mistakes along the path to healing yourself. 1
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