Sudden breakup, little closure, no idea how to move forward (Updated)

November 2, 2015

Not arguing anything

Oh yes you are!!

November 2, 2015

Well if she stated that she understood why you might unfriend her one day she was probably thinking it was best to block you for you to help you move on. You can still creep on her page as in her current profile picture, sometimes people have settings where anyone can see their status and new uploaded photos, or even just limited status. She probably felt that she is either dating a guy right now or will soon and did not want you to get hurt if she posted things about him or pictures with him, or statuses about how she is happy. There are a lot of reasons why she may have done so, but if she told you that she would understand why you would unfriend her, then she most likely blocked you for the reasons I have stated.

Valid points.

There are so many ways around a block, though, if someone really wants to creep. I could easily log into a family member's account and see a limited view of her profile if I desired to. That and I will ultimately see those pictures anyway, as we still share a lot of mutual friends.

I don't know, I just feel her blocking me was a little bit unnecessary and seems kind of childish, especially seeing how she has not done this with any of her previous exes.

November 2, 2015

Valid points.

There are so many ways around a block, though, if someone really wants to creep. I could easily log into a family member's account and see a limited view of her profile if I desired to. That and I will ultimately see those pictures anyway, as we still share a lot of mutual friends.

I don't know, I just feel her blocking me was a little bit unnecessary and seems kind of childish, especially seeing how she has not done this with any of her previous exes.

Yes there are many ways to go around a block but she is not thinking those things, only you are. I believed she blocked you to help you move on. She is not expecting for you to log into another account just to see what she is up to. In her mind, I believe that she thought "Okay, we have had this conversation before and I understand why he unfriended me. I will block him because I want him to move on and be happy with his life, and I will be posting photos of my current man and my current happiness. I wish him the best and maybe after 6 months or a year I will unblock him and if he chooses to, he can friend request me."

Another question that intrigues me though is how did you find out that she blocked you? Did you try searching for her and saw that her profile is unavailable? For someone who is just curious, you do seem just from reading this that you would creep on her profile page eventually just to see how she is doing. At any rate, if you feel it is childish and ridiculous then feel that way. She does not feel that way and more importantly, she does not care what you feel about her action. You unfriended her for a reason to NOT see her or have conversations with her. Take this as a blessing in disguise as it will be harder and frankly more pathetic for you to log into someone else account to see her profile. Next time you miss her and feel like creeping (just an example) it is good to know that you cant because she has blocked you.

November 2, 2015

Just don't get why it was such a big deal for her to block me.

Aren't you really the one who's making this a big deal? You say you're just curious, but let's be honest, this whole thing is an obsession to you. If you'd had a falling out with a male friend, and you unfriended him and he blocked you in response, you'd think it is the most natural thing in the world. You'd understand that your offer of discontinued friendship is being accepted and finalized. You wouldn't wonder about it. You'd probably say "oh well."

You're like a kid who tiptoes into the pool water one baby step at a time. Jumping in would be a shock, so you ease your way in, but all too often, you turn around and get out because you have recourse to the edge. In this case, you're leaving avenues of communication open, and that surely means that you have hope. When you're in a hopeless position, hope is just an expression of underlying denial. It gives you ways to regress and act on your hope whenever you feel weak. You're going to feel weak a lot in the coming weeks and months, so why leave the instruments that let you succumb to temptation in place?

Be your own best friend here. Rather than obsess over why she did this or did that, obsess on why you haven't cut off all all avenues yet, and get it done. Leave worrying about the future (ie, when you've healed from this) to the future. You can deal with that then, if you're so inclined. But for today, you really should focus on what's important now.

November 2, 2015

Aren't you really the one who's making this a big deal? You say you're just curious, but let's be honest, this whole thing is an obsession to you. If you'd had a falling out with a male friend, and you unfriended him and he blocked you in response, you'd think it is the most natural thing in the world. You'd understand that your offer of discontinued friendship is being accepted and finalized. You wouldn't wonder about it. You'd probably say "oh well."

You're like a kid who tiptoes into the pool water one baby step at a time. Jumping in would be a shock, so you ease your way in, but all too often, you turn around and get out because you have recourse to the edge. In this case, you're leaving avenues of communication open, and that surely means that you have hope. When you're in a hopeless position, hope is just an expression of underlying denial. It gives you ways to regress and act on your hope whenever you feel weak. You're going to feel weak a lot in the coming weeks and months, so why leave the instruments that let you succumb to temptation in place?

Be your own best friend here. Rather than obsess over why she did this or did that, obsess on why you haven't cut off all all avenues yet, and get it done. Leave worrying about the future (ie, when you've healed from this) to the future. You can deal with that then, if you're so inclined. But for today, you really should focus on what's important now.

I'm not holding out hope. I've left the other avenues open for reason. For instance, I'm not going to delete her as a connection on LinkedIn, because burning bridges in the business world is not a good thing. Who knows when she may be able to provide networking opportunities, etc.

Right now, I really don't care about moving on. I'm stuck in the same routine as I was before her and that's, well, it's whatever. I go to work, I come home and I find ways to entertain myself. It sucks not having her there and sure, I wish she would come back, but I'm back to the mindset of really not caring if I live a solitary life. I'm starting to think having a cold heart really is the best way to go about things anyway.

November 2, 2015

I'm not holding out hope. I've left the other avenues open for reason. For instance, I'm not going to delete her as a connection on LinkedIn, because burning bridges in the business world is not a good thing. Who knows when she may be able to provide networking opportunities, etc.

Right now, I really don't care about moving on. I'm stuck in the same routine as I was before her and that's, well, it's whatever. I go to work, I come home and I find ways to entertain myself. It sucks not having her there and sure, I wish she would come back, but I'm back to the mindset of really not caring if I live a solitary life. I'm starting to think having a cold heart really is the best way to go about things anyway.

Then have a cold heart and say screw it she blocked me after I unfriended her. Good, it helps me further not be in contact with her. Thats it, we have given you plenty of different reasons why she might have done so. You will never know why she blocked you until later down the road if you two ever get back to cordial terms and you ask her directly yourself. At this point you really need to have the attitude of ok I dont care, im blocked on facebook so what. Let me continue the NC and heal.

November 2, 2015

Then have a cold heart and say screw it she blocked me after I unfriended her. Good, it helps me further not be in contact with her. Thats it, we have given you plenty of different reasons why she might have done so. You will never know why she blocked you until later down the road if you two ever get back to cordial terms and you ask her directly yourself. At this point you really need to have the attitude of ok I dont care, im blocked on facebook so what. Let me continue the NC and heal.

I don't want to heal, though. I'd rather just live in the memories of the past 15 months.

November 2, 2015

I don't want to heal, though. I'd rather just live in the memories of the past 15 months.

You realize that this means that you'd rather have painful memories than pleasant memories, right? Healing is not amnesia. Healing is seeking enthusiastic acceptance, finding gratitude for the break and truly believing you can be better off without her than with her. It is the pursuit of peace.

You're saying you'd rather be broken? That's both immature and irrational. It sounds like because you can't punish her, you're going to punish yourself instead and by doing that, you'll show her how poorly she's treated you. That's what some little kids do to show their parents that they think they've been treated unfairly.

You think your punishment is bad? Wait until you see how badly I can treat myself! That'll show you!

It won't work.

November 2, 2015

I don't want to heal, though. I'd rather just live in the memories of the past 15 months.

I dont understand this at all. You want to live in the memories you had with her and you currently do not have now. So you rather laugh and reminisce on the good times, the times you guys had fun, cuddled, had sex, had a passionate kiss. Then you open your eyes and realize you are all alone in your room or at work or whatever and start feeling sad. You realize you do not have her anymore just old memories that will be replayed over and over with no new memories with her to add on it. That my friend will lead to depression if you do not suffer from it already. Depression is no fun whatsoever and while she is out having a great time living life having fun with her new boyfriend and having sex, you are home alone having sex with your left hand thinking of her. Cmon dude that sounds pathetic. You unfriended her because you thought you could make her feel bad or sad and that she might feel sorry for herself. In turn, she blocked you because she didnt give two $#!+s and now you are questioning why didn't your immature plan work.

November 2, 2015

That's what I did for quite some time prior to her, and I was fine, so it's not that huge of a deal to revert back to those patterns.

November 2, 2015

Surely that's your prerogative. I feel like I understand her a little better now.

Good luck with all that.

November 2, 2015

Seriously if you are this type of person who does not want to move forward but rather sulk, I can understand why she broke up with you.

November 5, 2015

I literally don't know what to do anymore.

I know it's my fault, but I had joined Tinder just to try and feel normal again and to meet people. I felt like I was doing ok trying to move on. Tonight, she popped up Tinder. The saddest thing is that I still swiped right.

Every time I feel like I make a bit of progress, I feel like life just wants me to be stuck in the ****. I hate myself right now. I hate life right now. I don't get why this happens to good people.

November 5, 2015

I literally don't know what to do anymore.

I know it's my fault, but I had joined Tinder just to try and feel normal again and to meet people. I felt like I was doing ok trying to move on. Tonight, she popped up Tinder. The saddest thing is that I still swiped right.

Every time I feel like I make a bit of progress, I feel like life just wants me to be stuck in the ****. I hate myself right now. I hate life right now. I don't get why this happens to good people.

First of all, quit trying to date and meet ladies on Tinder or anywhere else for that matter.

You are nowhere near even thinking about dating, because you're in-filling, compensating and you'll doubtless be comparing.

You won't be ready to seriously date for a good while yet. so back off and calm down...

Secondly, this happens to good people, because it happens to bad people too. And good things DON'T happen to bad people and bad things don't happen to good people.

You're overanalysing things, when in reality, it's all part of life's progress.

So you're single again.

Many people are.

This isn't a unique event that happened to you only. "look" around you. This forum is FULL of people with stories like yours.

So hun, you need to get a grip and quit wallowing.

Because let this overwhelm you, and you'll actually become unattractive to those who might have thought otherwise....

November 5, 2015

First of all, quit trying to date and meet ladies on Tinder or anywhere else for that matter.
You are nowhere near even thinking about dating, because you're in-filling, compensating and you'll doubtless be comparing.
You won't be ready to seriously date for a good while yet. so back off and calm down...

Secondly, this happens to good people, because it happens to bad people too. And good things DON'T happen to bad people and bad things don't happen to good people.

You're overanalysing things, when in reality, it's all part of life's progress.

So you're single again.
Many people are.

This isn't a unique event that happened to you only. "look" around you. This forum is FULL of people with stories like yours.
So hun, you need to get a grip and quit wallowing.
Because let this overwhelm you, and you'll actually become unattractive to those who might have thought otherwise....

Not sure what the bolded means or why it matters if I'm not dating.

I'm so sick of this forum's "get over it" mentality. People handle emotions differently and for some of us it's not just as easy as keeping busy. Even when I'm busy I wallow. I guess I should probably stop posting here and seek counseling and depression meds.

November 5, 2015

It doesn't really matter if you are not dating yet. Only if you're someone who can put his emotions aside or if you are very handsome you might date succesfully after a breakup, otherwise these dates will probably fail. A date with a nice person does help to get over your ex faster.

I think what Tara means is that if you stay home and be depressed you will not be able to attract anyone in the future. You have to go get busy and do stuff.

To get over someone takes time, you can't just turn a switch. That said, you will have to get over her someday.

You know why?

Ask yourself this: What if she was standing at your door tomorrow and wants you back, what would you feel at that moment? Sure, you will be happy but on the other hand you are still full of emotions. Your ex put you through a lot of pain and you need time to process that.

If she would come back tomorrow your relationship will most likely fail again in a few weeks.

Getting over her doesn't mean completely forget about her, it means you move on with your life as an individual. In time you will see things more clearly whether you want her back or not.

I know you don't want to hear this, I know I've been there a few months ago but there is nothing you can do right now. Your relationship with her died. The only way you will be able to have a relationship with her is if she comes back and you start a new relationship but for that you have to move on first.

November 5, 2015

I don't even think it's about still wanting a relationship with her. She has put me through so much pain that I just want to erase everything about her/the past 15 months, Eternal Sunshine-style. It's not that I don't want to move on, it's that I don't know how. I don't know how to find joy in doing the things I like because, when I do them, I still wallow and don't find much joy in them. Whether it's sitting in my apartment and drinking alone or going for a hike, I feel the same way and there's no clarity or joy. Whether it's stumbling across her on a dating app or a random dream, little things keep blocking my path and setting me back.

Today is the worst I've felt since the night of the breakup. After 15 months, she just moves on so quickly, like it's nothing. I guess maybe I should find solace and assume that at least this probably means she wasn't cheating, but that's little solace.

November 5, 2015

Many here have been in the same situation you are in now, so you are not alone.

Like I said I've been in your situation just 2-3 months ago. My ex decided to leave me for someone else after 6 years (4 months ago). The only difference is that my ex wanted to keep me as a friend but that just gives you false hope.

I was sitting at home doing nothing because I could not see the joy in life, I was drinking every night to be able to sleep. After a month of drinking every night I got chronic pains in my stomach. Before that I had panic attacks and chronic pains in my chest.

You will feel like this for a couple of months but then you slowly start to feel better. There's nothin anyone here can say or do to make you feel better the only thing I can say is hang in there and be strong.

I will repeat this again (it helped me): You have to get over your ex before you can start a new relationship with her. Often an Ex comes back after you have moved on. They will feel it whenever you have moved on. So put faith in that things will be alright in the future, you will have to move on anyways.

November 5, 2015

I almost broke NC last night. I wanted to lash out and say, "glad the 15 months meant nothing and I was so easy to get over," but I managed to hold back somehow.

I want so badly to hate her and forget everything about her, but I can't. I've thrown away every single item in my apartment that had anything to do with her (a video game she bought me for my birthday, a poster she got me another time). It still doesn't change anything. It's almost like I need to move again.

November 5, 2015

Ok I just I was in the same situation 2-3 months ago, ofcourse this has to be 4 months ago, I meant I felt really bad for the first 2-3 months.

You will not get any satisfied answers from her you will only hurt yourself if you contact her.

November 5, 2015

I managed to hold back somehow.

Well done! I guarantee you'd be feeling a whole lot worse if you had folded. It might not seem possible to you right now that you could feel worse but believe me, it is.

I want so badly to hate her

Remember hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. Indifference is your ultimate goal. You may get there via hate. Most people go through stages of bargaining, anger, regret etc, similar to grieving. It takes time but eventually you will get to indifference.

I've thrown away every single item in my apartment that had anything to do with her (a video game she bought me for my birthday, a poster she got me another time). It still doesn't change anything. It's almost like I need to move again.

Again, well done for doing that. It is one step in the right direction. If you still had that game and poster staring you in the face then you would be feeling worse than you do now.

Keep on keeping on - fake it til you make it. It takes time but eventually you will make it through this. We all did.

November 14, 2015

Has anyone ever had an action by their ex help them along in the breakup process? I think I had that moment last night.

I have been doing better this week. I went on a great, casual date Thursday night and it was the first one I've been on where I felt I connected with the girl (I had been on about four previously since the breakup a month ago). After that, I once again realized that hey, maybe there is other people out there besides my ex.

Last night, I saw something that made me realize maybe my ex doesn't deserve me and maybe there is better than her out there. I rarely check/use Instagram but, for some reason, last night I opened the app on my phone. Apparently I am still following some of her friends and one of said friends posted a picture of a restaurant receipt. Instantly, the signature on the receipt jumped out at me. It was my ex's signature. The Instagram post was captioned as "girls night out." So, I knew that my ex was out with this friend in a city an hour or so away. Anyhow, along with my ex's signature on the receipt was her phone number and a note that said, "Call me for laser tag."

Instead of getting sad or upset, I laughed. My ex is resorting to seemingly desperate, attention-seeking acts like giving her number to random servers at a city which she doesn't even live in.

Several things jump out at me about this. First, if she really is looking for a relationship again, she's seeking people who live over an hour away out again (I was her first non-long distant relationship), which tells me she still can't handle someone being there for her. Secondly, it strikes me as odd that her friend would post this on her IG account. I might be reading into this too much, but it feels as though my ex wanted me to see this, since she knew I followed this particular person. Third (and nothing against the profession), she said one thing she loved about me was that I had my act together and had a stable career. Now, here she is chasing down servers.

Needless to say, I am quickly losing any remaining attraction I have left towards her.

Just thought I would share this update. Now, I should probably get ready for my date tonight!

November 14, 2015

Has anyone ever had an action by their ex help them along in the breakup process? I think I had that moment last night.

I have been doing better this week. I went on a great, casual date Thursday night and it was the first one I've been on where I felt I connected with the girl (I had been on about four previously since the breakup a month ago). After that, I once again realized that hey, maybe there is other people out there besides my ex.

Last night, I saw something that made me realize maybe my ex doesn't deserve me and maybe there is better than her out there. I rarely check/use Instagram but, for some reason, last night I opened the app on my phone. Apparently I am still following some of her friends and one of said friends posted a picture of a restaurant receipt. Instantly, the signature on the receipt jumped out at me. It was my ex's signature. The Instagram post was captioned as "girls night out." So, I knew that my ex was out with this friend in a city an hour or so away. Anyhow, along with my ex's signature on the receipt was her phone number and a note that said, "Call me for laser tag."

Instead of getting sad or upset, I laughed. My ex is resorting to seemingly desperate, attention-seeking acts like giving her number to random servers at a city which she doesn't even live in.

Several things jump out at me about this. First, if she really is looking for a relationship again, she's seeking people who live over an hour away out again (I was her first non-long distant relationship), which tells me she still can't handle someone being there for her. Secondly, it strikes me as odd that her friend would post this on her IG account. I might be reading into this too much, but it feels as though my ex wanted me to see this, since she knew I followed this particular person. Third (and nothing against the profession), she said one thing she loved about me was that I had my act together and had a stable career. Now, here she is chasing down servers.

Needless to say, I am quickly losing any remaining attraction I have left towards her.

Just thought I would share this update. Now, I should probably get ready for my date tonight!

Look how much over-analysis you just did over a receipt.

Tread carefully with any new girls. You are nowhere near over your ex.

November 14, 2015

I couldn't agree more with the above. You have absolutely no idea of the context, the players or what actually happened! A rational human would look at that as a funny in-joke, a mysterious and intriguing fragment from a fun night out. You interpreted it as a message meant just for you that your ex is desperate, lonely and pathetic. You spent far more time thinking about that receipt than anyone who was actually there. You need to block all these second-degree connections lest they send you over the edge.

Edited November 14, 2015 by lana-banana

November 14, 2015

Respectfully disagree with both of you. I don't care what she does anymore and haven't even been remotely tempted to look her up or contact her. Just thought it was a funny tidbit that I ran across.

Perhaps it was the result of a "fun night out," but giving your number to a server speaks to desperation and is tacky, in my opinion.

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Sudden breakup, little closure, no idea how to move forward (Updated)

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