Sudden breakup, little closure, no idea how to move forward (Updated)

[jrode23]

Wouldn't she be limiting herself to a very select few professions that are on an equal intellectual plane?

 

I am not saying it's not plausible or even what caused the breakup, but I had asked her to be blunt and she still really couldn't give me anything specific. I know that she had broken up with one of her previous exes because he didn't seem to have much direction, but that was when she was in undergrad, almost five years ago. She had mentioned several times that she liked how I was someone who was level-headed, had his stuff together and had direction.

 

Believe me, I would not be digging for answers if I had any inkly as to why this happened. And I do understand that I am probably just going to have to accept the fact that it did. It's just very confusing, as there is nothing at all to point to and there are a lot of contradictory things (or at least it seems that way).

 

I know that she is very independent and wanted to live alone for awhile, be all that she can be, etc, etc. And I was willing to let her do that because I understood it and she conveyed these sentiments about wanting to have a future with me. And she never once mentioned that as being a reason for it to end, either.

 

It's just hard to understand how you can do all of the great, little things that clearly make someone happy, how they can say they see a future with you and then, poof, one day it is the complete opposite. For example, as recently as a month ago when she was exhausted at work, she half-seriously looked at job postings in a city an hour away. She casually threw out, "Gonna move here with me if I decide to quit and find something?"

 

I just don't understand how you can make those types of comments without there being any truth to them.

 

I have been able to grow from previous relationships that have failed, but this one is such a new experience. I literally have nothing to take away from it and that feels very disheartening and odd. Especially because it seemed like it was meant for the long haul.

Edited October 18, 2015 by jrode23

[jrode23]

I also just can't give up on the notion that it is stress related.

 

I know law is a hectic profession, but she did have stretches where it wasn't her having to be at the office until midnight, every night, and in on weekends. During those times, we were fine. It was only during these really hectic stretches that this kind of behavior reared its head.

 

I know she is bad at balancing stuff and maybe I am the one thing she can control. But I don't get why she would so easily cut me out of her life when I have been so patient and understanding.

[TaraMaiden2]

Wouldn't she be limiting herself to a very select few professions that are on an equal intellectual plane?

The thing is, they could have long, endless "well into the early hours" discussions on a topic they both know a great deal about.

Prevalent in Universities teaching Law, are Debate and Moot groups, which furnish the students with ample opportunities to speak on specific topics after research, study and evaluation. They form an important part of their education, and teach them to understand two sides of an argument, but also how to argue their own corner, with a view of winning the argument.

There are no equal finishes in Law. You either win - or you lose (sure, there are "out of Court settlements" but that doesn't mean that either side walks away satisfied by the result).

Such Debates/Moots keep students on their toes, and are an ever-present learning curve.

I know a guy who will deliberately goad his wife into an argument for the sheer sake of enjoying baiting and playing with her.

 

It seems to me that it's possible she might have thought that having such a discussion was not one she would ever have been able to engage in with you.

 

I am not saying it's not plausible or even what caused the breakup, but I had asked her to be blunt and she still really couldn't give me anything specific.

That, if I may say so, sounds typical of some lawyers....

 

I know that she had broken up with one of her previous exes because he didn't seem to have much direction, but that was when she was in undergrad, almost five years ago.

 

....Onward and upward, then....

 

She had mentioned several times that she liked how I was someone who was level-headed, had his stuff together and had direction.

I'm sure she still feels that way. It just wasn't running completely parallel to hers....

 

Believe me, I would not be digging for answers if I had any inkly as to why this happened. And I do understand that I am probably just going to have to accept the fact that it did. It's just very confusing, as there is nothing at all to point to and there are a lot of contradictory things (or at least it seems that way).

If there are contradictory things, then she is not telling you the whole truth, in my opinion. I'm not saying she's downright lying; more like she has tried to cushion the blow.

 

I know that she is very independent and wanted to live alone for awhile, be all that she can be, etc, etc. And I was willing to let her do that because I understood it and she conveyed these sentiments about wanting to have a future with me. And she never once mentioned that as being a reason for it to end, either.

I think that perhaps she may have felt stifled by the permanence of the relationship. |Perhaps she thought to herself "hang on, is this it? Is this going to be as good as it ever gets?"

 

It's just hard to understand how you can do all of the great, little things that clearly make someone happy, how they can say they see a future with you and then, poof, one day it is the complete opposite. For example, as recently as a month ago when she was exhausted at work, she half-seriously looked at job postings in a city an hour away. She casually threw out, "Gonna move here with me if I decide to quit and find something?"

Put that down to the pressures and stress of the job she has. It can be gruelling for anyone; it can be particularly gruelling for a young professional woman subject (as any woman is) to hormonal fluctuations and who is actually at a point in her career where she might be thinking of starting a family and what doing that would actually do to her career.

 

I just don't understand how you can make those types of comments without there being any truth to them.

I can see how torn she would be about everything.... I think it's very difficult for many men to understand how responding to hormonal urges, or being expected to have children, can affect a woman whose objective is to succeed in a tough career which requires 100% concentration....

 

I'm not disparaging you, but have you ever considered that if you are with a woman like her who wants kids, YOU might have to be the one giving up work to stay at home with the child/ren?

Many men don't even give that a second thought as an option. It doesn't cross their minds because in their world, it's not something of primary consideration.

For women (particularly of your ex's age) it's a social given assumption...

 

I have been able to grow from previous relationships that have failed, but this one is such a new experience. I literally have nothing to take away from it and that feels very disheartening and odd. Especially because it seemed like it was meant for the long haul.

I can see an awful lot you could take away from it, actually.....

[jrode23]

The thing is, after the initial breakup, I specifically told her not to sugar coat anything and still feel like I got a sugar coated response. It's very frustrating.

 

And we were on the same level about every aspect of a future. She doesn't want kids, I am very indifferent, etc, etc.

 

Someone else in here mentioned that "the one" doesn't exist. I disagree. I felt that my ex was definitely the one. And it wouldn't be so disheartening if she wouldn't have led me to believe all along that she was feeling the same way.

[jrode23]

I also cannot bring myself to deleting her on Facebook. I know I will be tempted to see what she's doing, but there is still a chunk of me that thinks she'll come back and come to her senses, however stubborn that may be. She is still Facebook friends with her other exes and keeps all pictures up, so I know I can't count on her deleting me.

 

Part of me also wants to keep her on Facebook so she can see how happy I am when I recover. I know that sounds mean, but I'd be lying if I said that wasn't a thought. Because right now she knows how in pain I am.

Edited October 18, 2015 by jrode23

[lana-banana]

The thing is, after the initial breakup, I specifically told her not to sugar coat anything and still feel like I got a sugar coated response. It's very frustrating.

 

You probably aren't aware of it, but you're still thinking like you're in a relationship. You think she would be honest with you because you specifically asked her to. But you aren't together anymore and she no longer owes you anything. She is unlikely to be fully honest with you about this or similar subjects because she doesn't care anymore.

 

You move forward simply by being. Just dragging yourself through each day is a step in the right direction. You move one foot in front of the other, one day after another, until you're walking around one afternoon and realize you haven't thought of your ex all day. I know it sounds unfathomable now, but five years down the road this agonizing pain will be just an unpleasant nugget in the back of your mind.

[BC1980]

Someone else in here mentioned that "the one" doesn't exist. I disagree. I felt that my ex was definitely the one. And it wouldn't be so disheartening if she wouldn't have led me to believe all along that she was feeling the same way.

 

While I understand the appeal of thinking that there is "the one," that line of thinking will significantly derail your healing.

 

As to her misleading you. . . . yeah, I've been there. The only two conclusions are that she lied or that she changed her mind. Both conclusions suck and undermine the idea that a relationship should be a stable force in your life. I believe that most of us do seek a relationship that can be a stable force for the duration, so, to have that idea in question, it takes a lot out of you mentally. But on the positive side, it forces you to look to yourself as the sole provider of your own stability.

[jrode23]

On a more positive note, so far today I have made baby steps. This is the first day since Wednesday night that I haven't broken down at least once (fingers crossed). My feelings are still very strong and if she made contact, I admittedly would be very, very itchy to respond. But one step at a time I suppose (and I don't think that will happen).

 

I think the next step will be removing her from Facebook, or at least unfollowing her feed. I already took her from, "See First" to just normal. Again, a baby step. I don't hold any animosity other than feeling led on a bit, but I do know I will be tempted to check up on what she's doing and if and when she is with someone new, I know that will be very devastating. That, and I am starting to see that there may not be any point in keeping her there. Sure, if I progressed into a new relationship and was stable, I wouldn't mind being her friend, but she did say that she wouldn't respond to future messages because it was difficult on her as well and she thought a clean break would be best.

 

I will have to mull that one over a bit. It still feels too fresh and I still feel too strongly to pull the trigger on unfriending her.

[mightycpa]

If somebody has gone to all the trouble of telling you that they don't want to see you and that they plan to cut you off, then I'd say that your best move is to take her at her word and reciprocate in kind.

 

 

By telling you she's cutting off contact, she's essentially told you that you're dead to her and you'll be treated accordingly. How she feels about you is of no consequence. Love, hate or indifference, nothing will change for you.

 

 

So what you want to avoid is peeking in on her life while she studiously avoids yours. All you can do now is earn her respect. Defriend on FB. Do the equivalent for whatever else you might use, twitter, instagram, whatsapp, whatever. Block calls and texts. Automatically send email to trash folder and autoreply with a generic warning to stop sending spam.

 

 

Then stick to it. Otherwise, you'll drive yourself nuts wondering whether today is the day she's going to break down and contact you.

[jrode23]

Today is Day 5 and I am feeling more angry than anything.

 

I still love her, I miss her, and I still wish she would realize she's making a mistake. However, I am just feeling a rush of anger. I'm angry that it took her over a year to realize I didn't give her what she apparently needed and stated over that time she did see a future, I'm angry she seemed genuinely happy and it be all for not, I'm angry that she didn't want to fight for the relationship, I'm angry that my patience and understanding seemingly meant nothing.

 

This anger is making me want to say, screw her and the year we had, it obviously meant nothing to her and just jump right back into the game. However, I know I am very emotional and that none of this is true or the correct path for me to take right now.

 

Deep down I still miss her so much. Deep down I'm still very rattled and saddened by this whole thing. Deep down I still wonder why she changed. Deep down I still think she will come back.

 

Breakups are so painful and do confusing. I wish I were one of the lucky ones who was able to find that special someone with little effort. I thought I had, but apparently not.

[jrode23]

Here's a question.

 

Got home from work and decided to catch up on a show I like on HBO Go. I don't have HBO through my cable company, so I was using her cable provider user name and password for my HBO Go account.

 

Am I obligated to reach out and tell her? Or is that on her? I kind of feel guilty about still using it, but I probably shouldn't.

[mightycpa]

Stop! Thief!

 

And the lawyer to be didn't see a future with you?

 

Mystifying!

[craw]

You only just broke up. Its normal to be floored.

 

Do.

1. Call your friends

2. Go out and get fresh air as much as possible

3. Get to the gym or what ever you enjoy doing that gets you out of the house and getting fit

4. Visit family

5. Clean your house

6. Clear out your old clothes and get some new that you like

7. Set yourself a challenge each day such as run a mile, clear that ironing pile etc

 

Do Not

1. Call her

2. Stalk her on facebook/ Twitter etc

3. Email

4. Go near where she is living, working or her friends

5. Wallow

6. Isolate yourself

7. Hide in your house

 

Your ex didn't see a future. There were communication problems. The reality is that you are probably a perfectly decent bloke who is a rough diamond but she just didn't want to be with you long term.

 

Fact. You found love once you can and will find it again.

Fact. Next time you can look for women who are better communicators and who will work through issues rather than run away from them.

Fact. This girl didn't love you. That is why she left. You deserve someone who does.

 

Give yourself time. Its early days. You will recover.

 

Chin up chook.

 

Note to self.

[Toodaloo]

Am I obligated to reach out and tell her? Or is that on her? I kind of feel guilty about still using it, but I probably shouldn't.

 

No - you are obligated to get your own HBO account...

 

Chop chop those ties. Your making excuses to contact her.

 

Come on sort it out. Get a grip and keep marching forwards.

[jrode23]

Funny how fast you snap into recovery mode.

 

I found out through a third party tonight that my girlfriend had given vague reasons for the breakup for good reason. Apparently she has thought things haven't been great since May, but has "been trying to work on them," though she clearly didn't try too hard aside from tossing me a weeknight once in awhile.

 

This feels as disrespectful as being cheated on. And the fact that I didn't hear this from my girlfriend herself. Unreal. All the while I was being scolded by her friend because "she tried" to end this back in July and there were warning signs. Even though whatever frustrations were had were never clearly vocalized by my ex.

[Toodaloo]

There you go then - not all that great a communicator...

 

Don't fret just be glad its over and quit following her around...

[jrode23]

There you go then - not all that great a communicator...

 

Don't fret just be glad its over and quit following her around...

 

Yep. Her number is out of my phone finally and she's unfriended on Facebook.

 

I tried calling her immediately after I was told this, just because I wanted to hear it from her, but apparently she was not adult enough to have that conversation. Realize she didn't owe me the conversation because it has been over, but it would have been the courteous thing to do, at least. Kind of pointless trying to get someone to own responsibility, though.

 

Anyway, made my own closure. Ended kind of uglier than I wanted, but whatever.

[jrode23]

Why do I feel really guilty? Not that it's over, but just because I realized I helped escalate things last night and they got out of control. Like, I noticed that my ex blocked me on all social media today and that's just not how I wanted it to end. And I feel like it's my fault because I had a few beers last night and let things just heat up. I couldn't leave it alone because I was looking for answers.

 

I don't know. I know I need to worry about myself. I just feel guilty for it blowing up and I never like to be seen by people in a negative light. Now, she is probably telling everyone how crazy she thinks I am, etc.

[EricWorm]

Why do I feel really guilty? Not that it's over, but just because I realized I helped escalate things last night and they got out of control. Like, I noticed that my ex blocked me on all social media today and that's just not how I wanted it to end. And I feel like it's my fault because I had a few beers last night and let things just heat up. I couldn't leave it alone because I was looking for answers.

 

 

Worry uses up energy.

If you worry a lot, you have no energy for anything else.

Do you ever wonder why you are so tired after worrying about something for a few hours? You're forcing you brain to over-work.

 

If you haven't read it yet, I exploded out the letter you were going to send to your ex's friends:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/554607-apology-email-ex-s-friends-good-bad-idea-3.html#post6617232

 

The escalation from "last night" is a sign to let go.

Go to the cinema.

Choose a single thing to do every night and follow the NC Guide:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide#post5628880

 

If she is a lawyer, there is nothing to stop her from pursuing legal action against you - hence why she is trying to shut you out.

You are not leaving her alone, you are talking with her family/cousins about her and she just wants to move on.

 

Why don't you? Why can't you?

Any answer you have to these questions gets a big blaring fog horn in your face as a reply.

 

Based on all the posts you've made on the forums, I would say this will help a lot:

Write a letter.

Write everything about your ex, and what you want to say and what wasn't said.

Write your hopes and desires, your loves and hates..

Everything.

 

Take a whole weekend or just write it in a few solid hours.

 

Read it once, and then burn it.

 

The writing helps to bring out all of these emotions, you will feel lighter afterwards - believe me.

 

The burning of the letter is a symbol of letting it go from your mind, body and soul.

You do not want to be bottling up these emotions, and dragging them into your next relationship as baggage.

 

I don't know. I know I need to worry about myself. I just feel guilty for it blowing up and I never like to be seen by people in a negative light. Now, she is probably telling everyone how crazy she thinks I am, etc.

 

And there you go again - assuming that she is telling everybody something which you are imagining.

You Do Not Know.

Move On.

[spriggan2]

OP spend time thinking about what you did wrong not her. Neither of you were perfect I'm sure but dwelling on her mistakes won't prepare you for greater success in your next relationship.

 

I'm guessing you went a bit beta, failed to realize your worth independent of her and it turned her off. Maybe got a bit needy? Don't worry Im guilty of that too. But you need to forget her and get your recovery game on. The sooner the better. Stop feeding her ego by clinging. She doesn't deserve it.

 

I broke up with my gf recently, felt like crap for a day or two, everything else looked dismal, but you gotta accept that this is what you have. Find the things that give you joy and BELIEVE you'll be with someone else, someone cooler down the road and your ex won't matter. She is not the freaking one and you'll realize this soon. Already memories of my ex are withering. Even the things I loved most about her I'm realizing I can live without.

 

In the words of Drake. "All I gotta do is put my mind to this sh_t. Cancel out my ex I put a line through that b_tch."

 

There are so many cool people in this world, and you’ve got one life. Don't waste it on people who don't love you.

 

Now excuse me while i spill tears of misery over my lost love.

Edited October 29, 2015 by spriggan2

[Kehv]

I'm 28 with a modest dating history. My girlfriend (25) of almost a year and a half just broke up with me out of the clear blue and I am an absolute wreck. She was my longest relationship to date and I don't know what to do, how to cope (other than just drink), and how to move on from this. I don't think there is any hope of getting back together as it seemed pretty definitive (she took her things from my place, gave my key back, etc).

 

There was absolutely no closure and she couldn't give me a reason as to why she was doing it other than, "I don't know, I just don't see us five years down the road," which I found to be a load of crap. She said she loves me, but just didn't know how else to explain it or why she was doing it.

 

We had a great relationship. Sure, we had our moments (one three months ago where we gave each other space for a bit and then sorted it out) and she has been super stressed with working a ton of hours lately, but nothing that I would have seen leading to this. She said I have done stuff for her that no guy ever has before (e.g. get her flowers for Valentine's Day, get chocolate covered strawberries sent to her firm when she was stressed/swamped, etc) and she has mentioned before she saw a future. She wasn't the greatest at communicating her feelings, but she did make them clear once in awhile.

 

I just don't know what to do or how to move on from this. How do you just completely write someone who has been a part of your life consistently for over a year off? I can't even begin to think about dating ever again without comparing/thinking of her/etc. I am so lost. I am so confused. I'm so gutted. I feel like I have nothing left and that all of me went with her when she walked out the door.

 

I don't want to let go. I'm not ready to.

 

What I'm going to tell you doesn't have to be the truth but I want you to prepare for it anyways.

 

The little information you can give us up untill now seems a lot like when my ex dumped me 4 months ago.

 

My ex also dumped me out of the blue after a 6 year relationship. She also gave me the same excuses, gave me my keys back and grabbed all her belongings from my appartment. She told me I was a great guy but she just didn't want to be in a relationship with me and she did not want any relationship for the time being.

 

My ex mood started to change when she was going out with friends, turned out she secretly went out on a date with a colleague. I figured this out by logging in on her Facebook account. She probably tried to keep it a secret because it would look bad on her, who knows maybe I would've found out months later otherwise.

 

So my question: Did your ex go out or had enough free time when she did not see you ?

 

You should prepare for the worst in this case. Again, I'm not saying it's the truth but you should consider it.

[Jamesbrown1995]

I was with my ex for 5 years before she decided to end our relationship. We had the most amazing relationship! In the 5 years we never ever fell out once. The break up just came out of the blue. She said she didn't feel the same about me anymore. It has now been 5 weeks since it ended and I have not seen her since that night. It was extremely heartbreaking for the first 2-3 weeks but now I just keep reminding myself, I'm only 20, there is plenty of time. Of course I still think about it and cry when I need to!! But that's just life. Think about the people who have been married 10-20 years and they have to go through a break up. That's what helps me.

 

But what I say is this, the past was the past, leave that behind, and move on and meet someone who actually loves you and cares for you!!

 

I know exactly how you feel. Your thinking, have I done something wrong? Has she met someone else? Well that's what I was thinking anyway.

 

We will get through it buddy. Keep your chin up.

[Kehv]

Yeah it's a whole different story when you're 20. I'm 30 and I was planning a future with this woman.

 

At the age of 20 you are still experiencing new things and you probably did not think much about marrying this girl yet.

[jrode23]

What I'm going to tell you doesn't have to be the truth but I want you to prepare for it anyways.

 

The little information you can give us up untill now seems a lot like when my ex dumped me 4 months ago.

 

My ex also dumped me out of the blue after a 6 year relationship. She also gave me the same excuses, gave me my keys back and grabbed all her belongings from my appartment. She told me I was a great guy but she just didn't want to be in a relationship with me and she did not want any relationship for the time being.

 

My ex mood started to change when she was going out with friends, turned out she secretly went out on a date with a colleague. I figured this out by logging in on her Facebook account. She probably tried to keep it a secret because it would look bad on her, who knows maybe I would've found out months later otherwise.

 

So my question: Did your ex go out or had enough free time when she did not see you ?

 

You should prepare for the worst in this case. Again, I'm not saying it's the truth but you should consider it.

 

I am not naive of the fact there could have been someone else, but I really don't think there was. Hell, I wish this was the case. At least it would make this situation a lot easier to move along from. She didn't go out a lot when she wasn't with me and I know that her relationship with her two best friends (and former roommates) was beginning to suffer, as well, because she never had time for them. I can't say whether or not that has changed now. Her work is actually en route to errands I have to run on a weekly/bi-weekly basis, so whenever I was out running an errand after work during the week, I'd see her car still at the office. Everything jived with what she said as far as that go. As for colleagues, unless it were someone from the company that shares the second floor with her company, I really don't suspect it much at all.

 

Last night marked two weeks since she ended it and one week since I implemented no contact. It's been an up and down two weeks and not a day has gone by that I don't miss her. I don't really have a strong desire to contact her (partially because I know she cut me off), so I guess that's a positive. Every morning, though, I wake up hoping to see a message from her on my phone, just to see how/if I would react.

 

Nothing is more disheartening than losing someone who you thought would be there for the long haul. We both had our shortcomings, but since we had a dust up in July, it was so obvious that we were both working on those and it really, truly felt like our relationship was improving/progressing. The right things were said, the right actions were being taken. Just don't get it.

Edited October 29, 2015 by jrode23

[Kehv]

I wouldn't exactly say another man would make it easier.

 

As long as she doesn't have anyone else you still keep hope, true.

 

However, in my case even when there is someone else I still kept hope. Simply because my love for her was so great.

"Oh it's just a rebound" "Oh she is confused" etc.

And ofcourse I was angry but I also was sad, jealous and humiliated because she picked another guy over me.

 

Maybe you are different though. Maybe you can get her out of your mind easier if there's another guy. I would respect that if that's the case.