Sudden break up, ex already with another guy. I'm absolutely crushed.

October 18, 2015

Hi everyone - I'm a first time poster here but I've registered because I really don't know what else to do at this point. I could write an essay about how I'm feeling, but I'm going to try to keep this as concise as possible.

My girlfriend of a year and a half and I broke up just under one month ago. For 95% of our relationship, we were "that couple" that everyone was envious of. I really loved her, she really loved me, and we were starting to casually entertain the idea of marriage in the future. We're both young (19) and were together for a relatively short time, so I understand that talking about marriage might seem a little ridiculous, and we both recognized that - my point is that this was something really special, and we both knew it.

We had arguments and recurring issues, just like any other couple, but there was never anything incredibly serious. There was no cheating, there was no significant lying (with one exception, which I will get to) and when we did argue we never insulted each other and made up within the day. That said, there were a few things - that I truly believe were fixable - that were putting a moderate amount of stress on the relationship:

-My ex suffered from undiagnosed depression and anxiety, and this, coupled with school, work and volunteering, were causing problems for her

-My ex had a past history of being cheated on, which I would never have done to her, and she knew it. However, this caused some jealousy issues where if I so much as talked to women I had known since elementary school she would be hurt. It also caused problems because in the past year my ex really started to get into partying and clubbing - often without me - and I while I did trust her, I was not entirely comfortable with it. I told her this, to which I was told I was being controlling. Ironic considering her requirements regarding who I spoke to.

-I am not as emotionally expressive as she would have liked. I truly loved her, but I didn't tell her that enough, and I too often put my performance in school ahead of spending time with her.

These three things slowly chipped away at us, but we both committed to work on our respective issues, and I think we were making meaningful progress. However, one week before the breakup, we had the worst argument we had had. My ex had gone to a club after she had promised she wouldn't, and while there is nothing wrong with this in and of itself, I got incredibly upset and said things that I shouldn't have because of what I perceived to be a double standard. I still don't think the argument was terrible but it was impactful because it really brought all of our issues to the surface. Following the argument, and with the help of a mutual friend, we both apologized to each other and resolved to keep working on our issues.

Well, one week later, we have a conversation where I learn my ex is having doubts, and she subtly implies that she wants to break up. I say that maybe she's right - not thinking she was serious - and within the hour we were done. I was in shock for the rest of the day, but by the time night had come around I lost it. I've never had a mental break, but that night was what I imagine they must be like. I was texting her, crying, asking to give it a second shot, saying our problems could be resolved, that I thought she loved me and I loved her, etc. etc. All of the usual stereotypes and mistakes. All she could do was apologize and said that she needed time alone to recover and try to prove to herself that she could be happy on her own. She said that she really, really wanted to remain friends, and that maybe we could get back together in the future.

Well, a couple of days after the breakup, I went into no contact. We did not delete each other off of Facebook, but she did block me on Twitter and Snapchat. I have still not spoken to her almost 4 week later. What I had intended to do was to open up contact with her after a month and start trying to slowly reintroduce myself, along with making a concerted effort to correct my negative behaviour.

However, last night, according to Facebook, she's in a new relationship, which apparently had begun just two weeks after we broke up. I'm now worse than I was the day after the breakup, and I feel like all of the progress I made is just gone, along with any hope for a reconciliation. I keep telling myself that this is just a rebound - and it must be - but it doesn't help. My moods are fluctuating between total despair and wanting to drive over to her place and murder her with my own hands. I recognized this wasn't healthy immediately and as of this morning I'm actually in the process of finding a therapist, but I have my doubts as to how much that is going to help.

I really don't know what to do. Part of me thinks that this is a phase she's going through, she's in a rebound relationship, and maybe if I keep the channels open we could solve things in the future. On the other hand, I know this is unlikely and I should be moving on as impossible as that would be.

This went on way longer than I intended it to, and I don't expect anyone to actually read it. If you do, thank you.

October 18, 2015

Hi everyone - I'm a first time poster here but I've registered because I really don't know what else to do at this point. I could write an essay about how I'm feeling, but I'm going to try to keep this as concise as possible.

My girlfriend of a year and a half and I broke up just under one month ago. For 95% of our relationship, we were "that couple" that everyone was envious of. I really loved her, she really loved me, and we were starting to casually entertain the idea of marriage in the future. We're both young (19) and were together for a relatively short time, so I understand that talking about marriage might seem a little ridiculous, and we both recognized that - my point is that this was something really special, and we both knew it.

We had arguments and recurring issues, just like any other couple, but there was never anything incredibly serious. There was no cheating, there was no significant lying (with one exception, which I will get to) and when we did argue we never insulted each other and made up within the day. That said, there were a few things - that I truly believe were fixable - that were putting a moderate amount of stress on the relationship:

-My ex suffered from undiagnosed depression and anxiety, and this, coupled with school, work and volunteering, were causing problems for her

-My ex had a past history of being cheated on, which I would never have done to her, and she knew it. However, this caused some jealousy issues where if I so much as talked to women I had known since elementary school she would be hurt. It also caused problems because in the past year my ex really started to get into partying and clubbing - often without me - and I while I did trust her, I was not entirely comfortable with it. I told her this, to which I was told I was being controlling. Ironic considering her requirements regarding who I spoke to.

-I am not as emotionally expressive as she would have liked. I truly loved her, but I didn't tell her that enough, and I too often put my performance in school ahead of spending time with her.

These three things slowly chipped away at us, but we both committed to work on our respective issues, and I think we were making meaningful progress. However, one week before the breakup, we had the worst argument we had had. My ex had gone to a club after she had promised she wouldn't, and while there is nothing wrong with this in and of itself, I got incredibly upset and said things that I shouldn't have because of what I perceived to be a double standard. I still don't think the argument was terrible but it was impactful because it really brought all of our issues to the surface. Following the argument, and with the help of a mutual friend, we both apologized to each other and resolved to keep working on our issues.

Well, one week later, we have a conversation where I learn my ex is having doubts, and she subtly implies that she wants to break up. I say that maybe she's right - not thinking she was serious - and within the hour we were done. I was in shock for the rest of the day, but by the time night had come around I lost it. I've never had a mental break, but that night was what I imagine they must be like. I was texting her, crying, asking to give it a second shot, saying our problems could be resolved, that I thought she loved me and I loved her, etc. etc. All of the usual stereotypes and mistakes. All she could do was apologize and said that she needed time alone to recover and try to prove to herself that she could be happy on her own. She said that she really, really wanted to remain friends, and that maybe we could get back together in the future.

Well, a couple of days after the breakup, I went into no contact. We did not delete each other off of Facebook, but she did block me on Twitter and Snapchat. I have still not spoken to her almost 4 week later. What I had intended to do was to open up contact with her after a month and start trying to slowly reintroduce myself, along with making a concerted effort to correct my negative behaviour.

However, last night, according to Facebook, she's in a new relationship, which apparently had begun just two weeks after we broke up. I'm now worse than I was the day after the breakup, and I feel like all of the progress I made is just gone, along with any hope for a reconciliation. I keep telling myself that this is just a rebound - and it must be - but it doesn't help. My moods are fluctuating between total despair and wanting to drive over to her place and murder her with my own hands. I recognized this wasn't healthy immediately and as of this morning I'm actually in the process of finding a therapist, but I have my doubts as to how much that is going to help.

I really don't know what to do. Part of me thinks that this is a phase she's going through, she's in a rebound relationship, and maybe if I keep the channels open we could solve things in the future. On the other hand, I know this is unlikely and I should be moving on as impossible as that would be.

This went on way longer than I intended it to, and I don't expect anyone to actually read it. If you do, thank you.

Sounds to me like the communication between the both of you was not very good, so when issues arose they weren't dealt with properly. Over the long run all this does is build up until the point where one person realises nothing is going to change and they up and leave. It's what happens when problems are ignored.

In this case, it seems to me like your ex was unhappy in the relationship for a while, and over this time she was slowly checking herself out of the relationship until she hit that point where she was checked out completely and that's when she left (while you were basically oblivious to this). This is obviously not a good way to end a relationship but when the lines of communication between a couple are flawed, this is what tends to happen. One person stays around hoping that the problem will solve itself, and the longer it doesn't, the more they become disconnected from the other person until there is nothing left.

This is probably why she has been able to move on so quickly, because she has been checking out of the relationship for a while before the actual break up. So 2 weeks post-breakup to you could be something like 2 months since her head was out of the relationship. All you can do is look back and do your best to pinpoint the moment when she first started checking out, and recognize why this was, and learn from it.

My current breakup is very similar to what I just explained, we did not communicate well so she began to become more and more distant until one day she was done, and it's very likely that before the BU she had been weighing up her other options with other guys like I'm sure your ex was doing too - The reason this has not had much impact on me is that I am NC 100%, so even if she is already with another guy, I don't know, and what I don't know about can't hurt me.

I strongly suggest you go complete NC - No facebook, no Instagram, cut her off everywhere. The less reminders you have of her the better. I know how much it hurts to be in this situation, that is why it is crucial you remove everything that may make it worse.

As to that comment you make at the end about therapy, that is a fantastic idea because what you don't want your fluctuating emotions leading you to do something you regret.

October 18, 2015

Hi,

This is similar to my situation in some respects apart from my ex did cheat and is with the guy. I do feel your pain I really do as it does feel unbearable sometimes as they are always on your mind.

However, you do have to go NC as it is the only way to get over her. Just block her on everything including Facebook, move anything that reminds you of her into a box. It will take a while to get over her but it does help.

You might be thinking why doesn't she feel the same way or why has she done this. These are questions that I asked but you will never get a good enough answer so you can't dwell on it.

I love my ex, always probably will but eventually you will forget what their faces look like. I know that it would never be the same between us. It probably be the same with you and your ex as there will be trust issues.

You are still very young, you will find someone better for you.

October 18, 2015

Your relationship wasn't all that healthy to begin with. You had more fights with your GF in the short time you were together than I have had in my 7 year marriage. "recurring fights" mean you failed to address & correct the issue the first time it came up

Your GF wants a party clubbing life right now. You don't. That is a fundamental insurmountable different. She found another BF who fit in with her plan better. He may have been in the background for a while. He may be some guy she recently picked up in a club. It doesn't really matter. He's in. You're out.

You don't have to block her but you should at least unfriend her.

I know this sucks. I know you really cared about her. But it's time to move on.

October 18, 2015

Thank you for the input, all of you. I have an update:

Ironically, shortly after posting this my ex deleted me on Facebook. I accepted this, hurt but happy that she had made the decision for me. However, this morning she texted me for the first time in a month, and I could not help myself from responding. We had somewhat tense but productive conversation where we talked about how we were feeling, how the last month had been, etc. She insists that her and her new boyfriend were not considering getting together while we were together, but that, sure enough, she had started to check out a bit before we broke up and that argument confirmed it for her.

We ended the conversation by agreeing to be friends, and I'm really torn about whether that was the right decision or not. On one hand, I don't want her out of my life completely, and that has the potential for an opening for more in the future. On the other, it would probably hurt my recovery. We'll see.

October 18, 2015

Thank you for the input, all of you. I have an update:

Ironically, shortly after posting this my ex deleted me on Facebook. I accepted this, hurt but happy that she had made the decision for me. However, this morning she texted me for the first time in a month, and I could not help myself from responding. We had somewhat tense but productive conversation where we talked about how we were feeling, how the last month had been, etc. She insists that her and her new boyfriend were not considering getting together while we were together, but that, sure enough, she had started to check out a bit before we broke up and that argument confirmed it for her.

We ended the conversation by agreeing to be friends, and I'm really torn about whether that was the right decision or not. On one hand, I don't want her out of my life completely, and that has the potential for an opening for more in the future. On the other, it would probably hurt my recovery. We'll see.

I don't buy the bit in bold. Maybe they hadn't talked about it directly, but going from nothing to an exclusive relationship in the matter of 2 weeks is something I wouldn't believe. She may just be saying that to help protect your feelings - In my opinion anyway, cause that is what a lot of women will do.

An example: My current ex told me I had been the "perfect boyfriend" when she was breaking up with me...perfect yet you don't want to be with me? uuuhuh that seems very likely doesn't it lol - I'm 99.999% sure she just said that to protect my feelings.

As for friendship, I too agreed to be friends to start off because I was so caught off guard when we broke up that I hadn't had the proper time to process my feelings. A week after the BU I had my head on a little straighter and I messaged her saying that I was not interested in anything platonic with her, it's a relationship or nothing. This was really hard to do, because she still means so much to me and in a perfect world I'd love to be able to keep her around, but reality is that as long as she is in my life, my recovery will be greatly slowed. I finished off the message saying it was nothing against her, I was doing this because it was the best for me. I told her to call me if her mind ever changed and that was that - I haven't looked back since.

So keeping all that in mind and going off what you've said, I think you too need to stand up for what you truly want, which is not a friendship with her. It may piss her off like it did to my ex because she was so used to getting things her way, but that doesn't matter. This is all about you now and what she wants is not a priority.

To add to that, if you stick around as her friend she will never consider you as relationship material again - If you ever want a chance with her again down the road, you must take back the power and walk away, with the mindset of never talking to her again. It doesn't make much sense to us men because we are logical thinkers: If I hang around ill be able to show her I'm worth another shot, if I walk away and don't look back she'll just forget me and I'll never have another chance. However, the truth is that if we hang around she will lose even more interest, but if we stand up for ourselves and walk away, we benefit ourselves in the sense of we get what's best for our recovery, and there also remains a chance that she will come crawling back in the future as you have proven yourself to be a strong man who does what he wants and whats best for him (Emphasis on chance - You must still walk away with the mindset that you'll never talk to her again)

Edited October 18, 2015 by louxor

October 18, 2015

snip

Thank you for the advice - I really appreciate it. What you're saying is exactly what I've read everywhere, so there must be truth to it. It just seems so counter-intuitive to me. I understand what you're saying about how soon it is for her to get with someone else, but I think I actually believe her - as does a mutual friend who has kept in close contact with her through this whole time. She's extremely defensive about being perceived as a serial dater or as promiscuous, which to me says that she's sensitive about how little time it's been. She was also adamant when we broke up that there was nobody else.

It's very possible I'm completely off on all this, I'm not really thinking straight right now. I really don't know what to do, but I'll think about what you said. Thank you.

October 18, 2015

Thank you for the advice - I really appreciate it. What you're saying is exactly what I've read everywhere, so there must be truth to it. It just seems so counter-intuitive to me. I understand what you're saying about how soon it is for her to get with someone else, but I think I actually believe her - as does a mutual friend who has kept in close contact with her through this whole time. She's extremely defensive about being perceived as a serial dater or as promiscuous, which to me says that she's sensitive about how little time it's been. She was also adamant when we broke up that there was nobody else.

It's very possible I'm completely off on all this, I'm not really thinking straight right now. I really don't know what to do, but I'll think about what you said. Thank you.

The bold is what I mean when I said the thing about us men being logical thinkers. Walking away makes 0 sense logically, but all you have to do is read the posts here from the men who are in a mess because they keep chasing their ex, being their 'friend' when that's not what they really want.

Honestly, she may be telling the truth, but it doesn't really matter. The fact of the matter is that she is with someone else now.

You must focus on yourself, what you truly want, not what your heart wants. It took me about a week of constant jabbing at myself to understand that deep down I didn't want to keep someone in my life who no longer reciprocated the same feelings for me as I still do for her. I didn't want to run around in circles making a fool of myself while I tried to force someone to change the way they felt about me.

I think about her several times per day, however, due to the fact that I have cut her off, there is no new feelings or events or conversations that are doing loops in my brain and leaving me unsure on how she feels. There is nothing new coming in so there is nothing to push the reset button on my progress, if that makes sense.

Edited October 18, 2015 by louxor

October 18, 2015

It absolutely makes sense, and I know in my head you're completely right. I just have to find a way to get that to trump how I feel about her.

October 18, 2015

It absolutely makes sense, and I know in my head you're completely right. I just have to find a way to get that to trump how I feel about her.

It's not so much getting it to trump how you feel about her, it's just getting to the point where you understand that despite still having these feelings, you know it's the best thing to do.

I still have immense feelings for my ex - We had a great relationship and it did not end in a way that has led me to despise her or anything close. I haven't ignored these feelings or tried to force them away, rather, I have just come to realise what is best for me and in doing so, these feelings are becoming less painful.

Edited October 18, 2015 by louxor

October 18, 2015

She was cheating on you, at least emotionally.

You have to accept that, as hard as it is. Honestly, it will hurt like heck but it will give you the clarity and the "closure" you need.

Women rarely jump ship without a lifeboat. Men (generally speaking ladies and gents), will jump ship mostly because they've just had it and simply don't want to be with the ex anymore. Women, generally, are always weighing their options. Mainly because they HAVE options we don't have.

Accept she emotionally cheated on you. Work on yourself in every way possible.

The best outcome you may have down the road is her seeing you, fit, happy, and with a hottie on your arm while she second-guesses why she let you go.

That's it. That's what you shoot for. You don't hope for a person to come back to you while they decided to leave you.

October 18, 2015

Not immediately cutting her off from social media, etc. was a mistake. Not blocking her then was a mistake. Responding to her text was a mistake. Agreeing to be friends was a mistake.

Announcing to her that you made all these mistakes and are now cutting her off would be a mistake too. Just do it, and don't talk to her again until you don't care what she's doing or who she's with or that she doesn't think about you any more.

October 19, 2015

Recurring arguments that last for a day that include you saying things you realize you shouldn't have said are NOT part of a normal healthy relationship.

Things were going downhill for a long time, probably right after the first few months worth of "honeymoon" period, which was as good as that relationship was ever going to get.

As others have suggested, this one is over and the sooner you accept it and block off all means of contact with her, the better off you're going to be in the long run.

Next time around don't say things you later regret saying. The damage caused by speaking to your relationship partner in such a manner is literally beyond words.

October 20, 2015

Don't take all of the blame for your fights and the things you said. Females love it when the guilt trip works after your fight. Because it invalidates the whole reason for the argument.

She lied many times. She is still lying. She was insecure and jealous.

What does that mean? She was a hypocritical, jealous and controlling female. Now you're rid of her and free to follow your own path to happiness.

Remember this: Lying to someone is the most insidious form of control as it shapes the choices of someone by withholding information so that the subject behaves as desired.

She lied, cheated and played on the best parts of you to engineer a break up that she could rationalize as your fault. When you have arguments with a female, state your point, stand your ground and don't let the tears, threats and guilt trips work on you. Just walk away until they are done being irrational. It is the manliest thing you can do. They will find every reason to lament it. They will accuse you of not caring and rage against it with more threats but as you will remain detached enough to cling to objectivity you will always be capable of moving on.

Take this time to LEARN about feelings. Learn about how Men and Women process things differently. Learn about controlling your emotional investments so you will control your emotional attachments. Learn about the Ego; specifically Egocentrism and the major defense mechanisms of the Ego. Learn about Cluster B personality disorders so you can avoid Women with red flags. Learn about the difference between girls and Women. Take this time to become the Man you want to be and live the life you want to live and the partner you want (not need) will either present itself or you will need to adjust that desire to be more realistic.

It is very important for you to focus on being objective and simultaneously pushing off this shackle of blame and insecurity that this vile girl put on you by manipulating you (and she did, willfully and premeditatedly). Don't get into a serious relationship with a Woman under 25. Just have fun, take everything slow and always be willing to walk away first.

For healing. Put your mind to rest by continuing to move. Exist in the uncomfortable states of emotion and consciousness then keep moving forward without stopping to analyze every thought that pops in your head. Not every fleeting thought is meaningful or life defining. If you can detach from expectations, blame and victim thinking then you can easily calm down, regain objectivity and move towards your goals. If you do not have clear cut defined goals then you need to stop and define them. Going out? What's the goal? Going to work? Why are you saving money? Etc.

Good luck, get busy learning and this will be nothing more than the experience that opened your eyes and not the girl that got away. She's terrible anyways, focus on how terrible she is now, let the anger come then walk away from it, regain objectivity and perspective will come and when it does you'll be in a higher state of mind.

October 20, 2015

Again, I want to thank all of you for your advice - advice that I was too weak to follow, and now I'm seeing just how right all of you are.

Once we agreed to be friends, I foolishly saw an opening, and we've remained in limited contact over the last few days... until today. I had invited her to come with me and a couple friends to a neutral spot that all of us like to play boardgames. I thought it might be a fun way to catch up, but nothing else. Well, she wasn't too happy about this, and it lead to a conversation that probably shouldn't have happened.

Essentially, I ended up telling her I still had feelings for her (she knew already, and she would have seen right through me if I lied). I also told her that I didn't know how she was feeling, and I wasn't going to judge her - I certainly wasn't going to sabotage her new relationship. She responded to all of this by stating that she had had no feelings for me - period - for the last ~3 months of our relationship, regardless of the dates, the nights over, the talk of marriage, initiated by her. She said that what I wanted wasn't friendship (she's right, can't fault her there), and to not contact her again.

So, I guess I have my answer, now! Time to take the advice of this forum I probably should have followed a month ago. I'll admit that this is the worst-case scenario outcome for me, but the finality of it is refreshing.

October 20, 2015

Again, I want to thank all of you for your advice - advice that I was too weak to follow, and now I'm seeing just how right all of you are.

Once we agreed to be friends, I foolishly saw an opening, and we've remained in limited contact over the last few days... until today. I had invited her to come with me and a couple friends to a neutral spot that all of us like to play boardgames. I thought it might be a fun way to catch up, but nothing else. Well, she wasn't too happy about this, and it lead to a conversation that probably shouldn't have happened.

Essentially, I ended up telling her I still had feelings for her (she knew already, and she would have seen right through me if I lied). I also told her that I didn't know how she was feeling, and I wasn't going to judge her - I certainly wasn't going to sabotage her new relationship. She responded to all of this by stating that she had had no feelings for me - period - for the last ~3 months of our relationship, regardless of the dates, the nights over, the talk of marriage, initiated by her. She said that what I wanted wasn't friendship (she's right, can't fault her there), and to not contact her again.

So, I guess I have my answer, now! Time to take the advice of this forum I probably should have followed a month ago. I'll admit that this is the worst-case scenario outcome for me, but the finality of it is refreshing.

At least she's told you how it is now so you have no wishy washy questions to keep you in limbo.

I would delete her on all social media, delete her phone number, skype etc. Remove all outlets to contact her so that if you ever get tempted, you have no way.

As for her comments about how she had no feelings for the last 3 months, try and use this to know that you've avoided being with someone who really only cares about herself. Any respectable person would let their partner know if the love was fading in order to prompt work being done to fix it, or so that they do not end up dragging their partner along.

In the case of your ex, she only cared about her wants, as she was willing to stay with you and drag you along until she found a replacement because she was too selfish to let you go when she started to realise she wasn't able to give you what you deserve.

October 20, 2015

The offer of friendship, incites the hope and then you make an effort followed by high and mighty rejection with a fictional recount of history.

This is how Women get around the truth and live with themselves despite dirty deeds.

Men do something to the same effect but it is a different method.

Here is the rub.

She is not an evil person. She is not wrong for wanting out. She is merely a cowardly kid. You are a kid as well. I am 29 now and I am just now starting to feel mature enough to call myself an adult.

You will not only get over this but you will eventually be grateful for this experience when it allows you to use your gut to avoid a worse situation.

I recommend ranting at her (I always do) to stick up for yourself, call her on her bull**** and walk away. You'll feel better.

You have the power to make yourself a victim or an opponent. Nobody else ever has this ability over you. It doesn't matter if you get shot by someone else; you're not a victim until you give up and cry woe is me.

You're not weak. You're merely not as strong as you want to be, yet.

Pick your head up and put one foot in front of the other.

October 21, 2015

I thought I was okay, but I'm really not... I have no idea how I'm going to do this. At this point I feel like I've been through 3 breakups: the actual breakup, when I found out that she was with someone else, and now again this morning. I saw an old picture of her smiling and now I'm here in my room crying again. The only upside here is that it literally cannot get any worse, but that won't help me if it stays this way. It's been a month for god's sake. I haven't moved on at all and I'm irrecoverably behind on all of my work. How do you guys handle this so well?

Edited October 21, 2015 by heartbroken1996

October 21, 2015

How do you guys handle this so well?

For me, it was a "Fake it 'til you make it" sort of existence. Took me 8 months to even get past the physical pain. I took it hard.

However, I got past it and you will too. I even got past finding out she was engaged and posted that she started dating the fiancee while her and I were still together (I stalked her wedding website).

You'll get there. This life is never about a single person. She ripped your heart out.

I think it's better to experience this than not. It's a life-changer, for the better.

October 21, 2015

For me, it was a "Fake it 'til you make it" sort of existence. Took me 8 months to even get past the physical pain. I took it hard.

However, I got past it and you will too. I even got past finding out she was engaged and posted that she started dating the fiancee while her and I were still together (I stalked her wedding website).

You'll get there. This life is never about a single person. She ripped your heart out.

I think it's better to experience this than not. It's a life-changer, for the better.

Thank you, I hope you're right. I can't imagine how that engagement must have been for you. I keep trying to frame this in terms of growth, and it helps a little bit. I know that I've learned a lot and I'm a better person for it, but I just wish I could use this new perspective to fix things with my ex. I know that if we tried again it would be different, but I also know that she wouldn't hear any of it from me right now.

October 21, 2015

How do you guys handle this so well?

Personally I just got to the place where I realised that I deserved to be happy, and that this happiness won't come from holding on to her or trying to make things the way they used to be.

for the first 2 weeks of my break up (it's been about a month since the break up) I was cramming my days full, filling up time with stuff that I usually wouldn't have done. This is because I knew that the more things I was doing, the less time I would be thinking about her. I did anything to avoid being stuck at home, I even went to see some country singer with a friend, and I f***ing hate country music. It was all about getting away from my thoughts of my ex - and to be honest, the music wasn't as bad as I was expecting and I met some cool people.

Now my days aren't as jam packed, but I'm able to be at home alone and not have to worry too much about falling into a slump. I think this is because I did so many fun things during the first few weeks that I was able to show myself that life is actually still really fun without my ex.

I do still try and plan at least one big day of fun things with friends/family every week. This way I always have something to look forward to so if ever I fall into the slump of being sad and lonely, I just remember that in a few days I have some awesome plans with people who want to be around me.

So I'd suggest you try something like this. If you can't keep the majority of you days busy because of work etc, aim for at least 1 day of fun plans per week - weekends are great for this. If you don't know what to do, try new things, invite a friend along. Explore, have fun, enjoy your life. You don't need some ex who doesn't deserve you.

Treat yourself to little things: If you are home alone one evening, dress yourself up and take yourself out to dinner. Don't be worried about what people might think because god forbid you be at a restaurant by yourself - I do it all the time. I have this one restaurant I love going to. It has a fantastic view and I go there about once a week. I have made friends with most of the staff and some of them even join me to eat and chat if they happen to be on break when I'm there, and if im eating by myself, ill flick through the newspaper at the same time. One of the waiters has even told me that she finds it extremely attractive that I'm confident enough with myself to go out to dinner alone, and I've actually been out to drinks with her a couple of times - who would've thought?

So yeh, just say f*** it man. Life's too short to be caught up with someone who doesn't appreciate or deserve your time. Go out, do things you wanna do and who cares what others may think - you never know where it may lead you.

Edited October 21, 2015 by louxor

October 21, 2015

Personally I just got to the place where I realised that I deserved to be happy, and that this happiness won't come from holding on to her or trying to make things the way they used to be.

for the first 2 weeks of my break up (it's been about a month since the break up) I was cramming my days full, filling up time with stuff that I usually wouldn't have done. This is because I knew that the more things I was doing, the less time I would be thinking about her. I did anything to avoid being stuck at home, I even went to see some country singer with a friend, and I f***ing hate country music. It was all about getting away from my thoughts of my ex - and to be honest, the music wasn't as bad as I was expecting and I met some cool people.

Now my days aren't as jam packed, but I'm able to be at home alone and not have to worry too much about falling into a slump. I think this is because I did so many fun things during the first few weeks that I was able to show myself that life is actually still really fun without my ex.

I do still try and plan at least one big day of fun things with friends/family every week. This way I always have something to look forward to so if ever I fall into the slump of being sad and lonely, I just remember that in a few days I have some awesome plans with people who want to be around me.

So I'd suggest you try something like this. If you can't keep the majority of you days busy because of work etc, aim for at least 1 day of fun plans per week - weekends are great for this. If you don't know what to do, try new things, invite a friend along. Explore, have fun, enjoy your life. You don't need some ex who doesn't deserve you.

Treat yourself to little things: If you are home alone one evening, dress yourself up and take yourself out to dinner. Don't be worried about what people might think because god forbid you be at a restaurant by yourself - I do it all the time. I have this one restaurant I love going to. It has a fantastic view and I go there about once a week. I have made friends with most of the staff and some of them even join me to eat and chat if they happen to be on break when I'm there, and if im eating by myself, ill flick through the newspaper at the same time. One of the waiters has even told me that she finds it extremely attractive that I'm confident enough with myself to go out to dinner alone, and I've actually been out to drinks with her a couple of times - who would've thought?

So yeh, just say f*** it man. Life's too short to be caught up with someone who doesn't appreciate or deserve your time. Go out, do things you wanna do and who cares what others may think - you never know where it may lead you.

I wouldn't have guessed your break up was at the same time as mine - you have it together so much better. I'm really kicking myself for not going full, permanent NC to begin with. I'd probably also be looking a bit less pathetic to my ex.

I've been doing the opposite of you the past month, keeping to myself and turning down invitations with the exception of one close friend who's caught in a position between me and my ex. We both talk to her, and she's been so critical through this. The idea of going out with people who are happy and pretending to be happy myself makes my stomach turn, but maybe if I act like I'm happy I will be - you seem to have been right about everything else so far.

October 21, 2015

I wouldn't have guessed your break up was at the same time as mine - you have it together so much better. I'm really kicking myself for not going full, permanent NC to begin with. I'd probably also be looking a bit less pathetic to my ex.
I've been doing the opposite of you the past month, keeping to myself and turning down invitations with the exception of one close friend who's caught in a position between me and my ex. We both talk to her, and she's been so critical through this. The idea of going out with people who are happy and pretending to be happy myself makes my stomach turn, but maybe if I act like I'm happy I will be - you seem to have been right about everything else so far.

In the long run, it doesn't really matter what she thinks about you. Sometimes, you've just got to accept that over means forever, and she won't be thinking about you at all soon enough.

October 21, 2015

I've been doing the opposite of you the past month, keeping to myself and turning down invitations

That one thing is probably the biggest thing you're doing wrong, and you can see the huge difference it is making when you compare both our positions. Now that's not to say you should be feeling the same way as I am, everyone is different when it comes to getting over a relationship. I have a tendency to get over things quite quickly because I have taught myself to live in the present, however, you can still note the difference that it makes when you actively seek to keep yourself busy. You also don't want to keep saying no to your friends because they will eventually get annoyed as they are only trying to help, and they may even stop inviting you places cause they assume you'll just say no.

The idea of going out with people who are happy and pretending to be happy myself makes my stomach turn, but maybe if I act like I'm happy I will be

Yep - fake it till you make it. It really does work. And anyway, emotions are contagious in a way. If you surround yourself with happy people, it will rub off onto you. If you stay at home surrounded by sadness, that too will rub off onto you. What's the worst that can happen? You come home feeling the same way, nothing lost. What's the best that can happen? You come have after a fantastic day, your mood is up, you may have met some new people, you are focused on the events on the day, not your ex. You basically only have something to gain from this.

Think about this - I'm sure there's at least one time in your life that you can remember where you've dragged yourself along to something that you didn't want to do initially. Then when it's over you were left thinking: "wow that wasn't so bad after all, I actually quite enjoyed that". These kind of situations are the same in this case. Force yourself to do things with your friends even if you don't want to do it initially - anything is better than sitting at home moping about your ex. Hell, even being out and internally moping about how bored you are is better than being at home. If you like, I can list off a whole bunch of things that I did/still do to keep myself distracted.

Edited October 21, 2015 by louxor

October 22, 2015

That one thing is probably the biggest thing you're doing wrong, and you can see the huge difference it is making when you compare both our positions. Now that's not to say you should be feeling the same way as I am, everyone is different when it comes to getting over a relationship. I have a tendency to get over things quite quickly because I have taught myself to live in the present, however, you can still note the difference that it makes when you actively seek to keep yourself busy. You also don't want to keep saying no to your friends because they will eventually get annoyed as they are only trying to help, and they may even stop inviting you places cause they assume you'll just say no.

Yep - fake it till you make it. It really does work. And anyway, emotions are contagious in a way. If you surround yourself with happy people, it will rub off onto you. If you stay at home surrounded by sadness, that too will rub off onto you. What's the worst that can happen? You come home feeling the same way, nothing lost. What's the best that can happen? You come have after a fantastic day, your mood is up, you may have met some new people, you are focused on the events on the day, not your ex. You basically only have something to gain from this.

Think about this - I'm sure there's at least one time in your life that you can remember where you've dragged yourself along to something that you didn't want to do initially. Then when it's over you were left thinking: "wow that wasn't so bad after all, I actually quite enjoyed that". These kind of situations are the same in this case. Force yourself to do things with your friends even if you don't want to do it initially - anything is better than sitting at home moping about your ex. Hell, even being out and internally moping about how bored you are is better than being at home. If you like, I can list off a whole bunch of things that I did/still do to keep myself distracted.

Thank you - your advice and the advice of this forum has been incredibly helpful. Reading the stories of other people going through this is invaluable.

I've been doing a little bit better for the past couple of days. I had a strange experience two days ago where I was feeling as bad as I ever had, and I watched a 20 minute episode of the show I'm watching right now (The Office). When the episode finished I realized that I felt noticeably more close to normal, and that feeling hasn't gone away yet. I expect it will soon, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts. I don't feel good, but it's like I've exhausted my ability to stay sad - just kind of numb.

What I'm most worried about right now is the fact that I think I'm having trouble accepting this situation internally. Even though I understand it, I have this nagging feeling that my ex is in a rebound, this is GIGS, and she'll come back within a few months once she realizes what she's lost and deals with the personal problems that contributed to our breakup. I'm worried that it's this feeling that's keeping me going, and not that I'm actually getting any better, even though (I think) I understand the reality of the situation. I still get ready to text her every day I wake up before remembering what's happened. It's all very confusing and frustrating.

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Sudden break up, ex already with another guy. I'm absolutely crushed.

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