sparkles_and_me Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I started going out with this guy who I met on an online dating site more than a week ago. We have 5 dates in total. On our 5th date, we had sex but while we were doing it, I excused myself to use the bathroom because I needed to pee. When I came back, he was indifferent. He also told me that he noticed that I am too shy. I said that I really am shy but eventually I'll get over it after a while. But we went silent after that. But to be honest I wanted to like the sex but my heart and body is showing otherwise. After that, he told me that in an hour he needs to be at his brother's house which I figured was a code for "I want you to leave now." So I got dressed and left, he walked me to my car and said he will talk to me later and to drive safe but no goodbye kiss or a hug. I don't know what to feel or think. Any insights? I told myself that if he won't contact me after that then he's really not that into me but is only after the sex. Also, my ex and I broke up more than a month ago. I don't know if that is contributory to this.
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Clearly he just wanted the sex. You dodged the bullet here. Forget him.
Author sparkles_and_me Posted October 18, 2015 Author Posted October 18, 2015 Clearly he just wanted the sex. You dodged the bullet here. Forget him. Yeah, that's what I thought. What I don't like about myself is that I always give people the benefit of the doubt when in fact, the truth is exploding right into my face.
MrReborn Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 He just wanted you as a sex buddy. If he actually wanted to be with you, he would disregard you being shy and you two would have a good time. It's nothing wrong with you or him, you two just have different relationship goals. Focus on getting someone that you want to be in a relationship with, while he focuses on just hooking up with many women as possible. Don't contact him or try to date him again for your own good. He's not relationship material.
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Yeah, that's what I thought. What I don't like about myself is that I always give people the benefit of the doubt when in fact, the truth is exploding right into my face. It's normal to give people benefit of the doubt, when you have a reason to do so. But in this case, he was being such an inconsiderate jerk when he couldn't wait to kick u out (so it seems like to me), and plus, it seems like he wanted an experienced sex kitten to mess with, and when you aren't what he wants, he's not hesitant to just go cold on you. Guys like that aren't worth any more of your time.
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 oh, they did...i must have misread the OP.
Author sparkles_and_me Posted October 18, 2015 Author Posted October 18, 2015 they didn't have sex. Or did i read it wrong? Yeah we did but it was just like less than a minute because I wanted to pee lol... Which I thought was a blessing in disguise... At least now I know that is all he wanted while I am looking for something serious.
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Yeah we did but it was just like less than a minute because I wanted to pee lol... Which I thought was a blessing in disguise... At least now I know that is all he wanted while I am looking for something serious. That's why you need to get to know a guy more before sleeping with him if you're looking for something serious. 3
xcupid Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Good idea to get to know a guy first before having sex. Five dates doesn't tell you much about a guy, does it? 3
Author sparkles_and_me Posted October 18, 2015 Author Posted October 18, 2015 My bad! But lesson learned. Thanks everyone.
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Good idea to get to know a guy first before having sex. Five dates doesn't tell you much about a guy, does it? Funny it brought me back to my last relationship. I slept with him on date 5, wasn't thinking much about it at all, was just enjoying his company and didn't have much expectation. He ended up asking me to be his gf. He did confess his initial intention was just to hit it and quit, but he thought i was a really nice girl, and i was cool so he ended up wanting to date only me. So really, if it was the right guy, all the rules you're supposed to play go out the window. 2
kilgore Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Funny it brought me back to my last relationship. I slept with him on date 5, wasn't thinking much about it at all, was just enjoying his company and didn't have much expectation. He ended up asking me to be his gf. He did confess his initial intention was just to hit it and quit, but he thought i was a really nice girl, and i was cool so he ended up wanting to date only me. So really, if it was the right guy, all the rules you're supposed to play go out the window. But It didn't last?
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 But It didn't last? It didn't last because really we were better off just friends. We lacked that spark, we liked each other but the feelings weren't developing for neither of us. So his decision to break up was the right thing to do. 1
kilgore Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 It didn't last because really we were better off just friends. We lacked that spark, we liked each other but the feelings weren't developing for neither of us. So his decision to break up was the right thing to do. That is good then I guess. And the date 5 sex might actually have been a positive. 2
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 What are these rules? With my exes, I never followed any rules and just did what I felt like doing at the time. that you're not supposed to sleep with a guy too soon, you shouldn't be too eager, you shouldn't text him too much, blah blah blah. I for once don't hold back on sleeping with a guy because I feel like I need to follow "the rules". I do it because if I truly am interested in a guy, I allow myself time to get to know him first before the physical aspects come in, to see if I like him beyond just physical. But I do however tend to overthink and still abide by these stupid rules when it comes to texting and initiating, etc. It's ridiculous I know. 2
Author sparkles_and_me Posted October 18, 2015 Author Posted October 18, 2015 that you're not supposed to sleep with a guy too soon, you shouldn't be too eager, you shouldn't text him too much, blah blah blah. I for once don't hold back on sleeping with a guy because I feel like I need to follow "the rules". I do it because if I truly am interested in a guy, I allow myself time to get to know him first before the physical aspects come in, to see if I like him beyond just physical. But I do however tend to overthink and still abide by these stupid rules when it comes to texting and initiating, etc. It's ridiculous I know. You're very helpful jam.over.jelly. So do you think we should follow these rules or just go with flow and do whatever we feel like doing?
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 You're very helpful jam.over.jelly. So do you think we should follow these rules or just go with flow and do whatever we feel like doing? Thank you. HOnestly, I feel like we should find a balance. There are some truth to all the rules we're supposed to play. In the initial stage of dating, it's good to remain a bit mysterious (and even while dating, being in a LTR as well, mystery is always good), be busy and stay busy, have a life, hobbies, friends other than the guys you're dating so that your focus isn't on them. Guys can sense when a girl is desperate, and they get turned off when they know the main source of your happiness rely on them. It's too much for them to handle. Heck, it's too much for us to handle too! I'm sure you wouldn't want to date a guy who relies solely on you for his happiness. Let them chase you, but reciprocate if you are indeed interested. I usually let the guy initiate the first 3 dates, then after that it's OK to ask him out, because guys want to know if we like them back too. Overall, i'd say listen to your guts, do what you feel is right, but at the same time, be that girl that knows her worth. And if the guy is the right one for you, there's no such thing as "making the wrong move". 1
kilgore Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Thank you. HOnestly, I feel like we should find a balance. There are some truth to all the rules we're supposed to play. In the initial stage of dating, it's good to remain a bit mysterious (and even while dating, being in a LTR as well, mystery is always good), be busy and stay busy, have a life, hobbies, friends other than the guys you're dating so that your focus isn't on them. Guys can sense when a girl is desperate, and they get turned off when they know the main source of your happiness rely on them. It's too much for them to handle. Heck, it's too much for us to handle too! I'm sure you wouldn't want to date a guy who relies solely on you for his happiness. Let them chase you, but reciprocate if you are indeed interested. I usually let the guy initiate the first 3 dates, then after that it's OK to ask him out, because guys want to know if we like them back too. Overall, i'd say listen to your guts, do what you feel is right, but at the same time, be that girl that knows her worth. And if the guy is the right one for you, there's no such thing as "making the wrong move". That is right. The rules give a framework. But when you meet the right person all that stuff feels kind of easy and natural
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Seriously - cut it out kilgore, let's not waste anymore of our time on this guy, he doesn't want our help. Haha. 1
Versacehottie Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I started going out with this guy who I met on an online dating site more than a week ago. We have 5 dates in total. On our 5th date, we had sex but while we were doing it, I excused myself to use the bathroom because I needed to pee. When I came back, he was indifferent. He also told me that he noticed that I am too shy. I said that I really am shy but eventually I'll get over it after a while. But we went silent after that. But to be honest I wanted to like the sex but my heart and body is showing otherwise. After that, he told me that in an hour he needs to be at his brother's house which I figured was a code for "I want you to leave now." So I got dressed and left, he walked me to my car and said he will talk to me later and to drive safe but no goodbye kiss or a hug. I don't know what to feel or think. Any insights? I told myself that if he won't contact me after that then he's really not that into me but is only after the sex. Also, my ex and I broke up more than a month ago. I don't know if that is contributory to this. Ok, my take. Well it depends on how long ago this 5th date was, When was it? I tend to think too many people jump too quickly to the "he just wanted sex" answer. Really? He took you on 5 dates. A guy may approach dating much more casually than girls do but when a girl comes along that they like (that's usually where girls f*ck up, they do some stupid stuff that makes that part get all convulted), they stick with it. I think another interpretation of your date/almost sex is that things were fine enough but with the sex being awkward--he took it personally, was not impressed and could not neutrally process what might have been going on with you; and/or wasn't into you enough overall that he's interest could survive this awkward sex encounter. Or a combo of those things. If the date was yesterday or the day before, it remains to be seen what his final conclusion on dating you is, I think. If it's been longer than that, he seems done. I think if you are in the window of time 1-2 days, you could just as easily reach out and bring it up. Say that you're sorry things got awkward, you really needed to pee and it had nothing to do with the fun you were having with him. Then take it further and tell him that it hasn't been that long since your last boyfriend and maybe things moved to fast physically (which is probably what happened). I don't think you can underestimate the hit his ego took in this. And if he's immature, relatively inexperienced OR selfish, he may not have good empathy for your side of that evening. So you have to explain it and reassure him---other than if it's selfishness, than maybe just let this guy go. I think if he really just wanted sex, he would have been pushing for it in dates previous and would try to do low-cost/no-cost hang outs. And to be honest, the things guys say and how they treat you usually tell that story WAY before you end up in bed. It is very possible though that BECAUSE of the sex, he has decided he doesn't want a relationship with you. That's more likely than "he just wanted sex". good luck, OP. Unless he was a total jerk, no harm in reaching out. His ego is bruised, no doubt. 2
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Very interesting insight, Versacehottie 1
Versacehottie Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Well guys are typically thinking about wanting to have sex with a girl they are dating---in a good way, being excited about it. So if he's been having thoughts of how good it's going to be and then it's everything but, he's freaking out. Plus we don't know his past situations. I think that he told OP she was shy or whatever, indicates that he had a previous gf who may have been uptight or inexperienced, or insecure about sex. It also says the sex was not meeting his expectation or hope. Duh? I'm sure it didn't meet OP's either. But guys put a lot of stock into sex, typically more than women do, especially at beginning where real feelings haven't developed yet. Also guys want to be proficient and if they aren't (or perceive the encounter as if they aren't), they can easily get dejected. I think that's likely what's going on. What's worrying is how quickly he jumped to blaming her and pulling back. Suggests a fragile ego and immaturity at the very least. Not a factor of his age, immaturity and inability to have empathy and solve the "problem" together. At the very least, it was their first time together as a couple physically and someone who was more experienced or could see things from points of view other than his fragile ego's would know that there a ton of reasons why the 1st time was awkward and would not throw away a good girl without another try or two. That's my take at least.
Versacehottie Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Very interesting insight, Versacehottie new pic is gorgeous by the way, as you will hear quite often from non-bitter people. 1
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Well guys are typically thinking about wanting to have sex with a girl they are dating---in a good way, being excited about it. So if he's been having thoughts of how good it's going to be and then it's everything but, he's freaking out. Plus we don't know his past situations. I think that he told OP she was shy or whatever, indicates that he had a previous gf who may have been uptight or inexperienced, or insecure about sex. It also says the sex was not meeting his expectation or hope. Duh? I'm sure it didn't meet OP's either. But guys put a lot of stock into sex, typically more than women do, especially at beginning where real feelings haven't developed yet. Also guys want to be proficient and if they aren't (or perceive the encounter as if they aren't), they can easily get dejected. I think that's likely what's going on. What's worrying is how quickly he jumped to blaming her and pulling back. Suggests a fragile ego and immaturity at the very least. Not a factor of his age, immaturity and inability to have empathy and solve the "problem" together. At the very least, it was their first time together as a couple physically and someone who was more experienced or could see things from points of view other than his fragile ego's would know that there a ton of reasons why the 1st time was awkward and would not throw away a good girl without another try or two. That's my take at least. This. Yes. Very on point. new pic is gorgeous by the way, as you will hear quite often from non-bitter people. Haha, thank you. That's the keyword, "non-bitter" people .
kilgore Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Well guys are typically thinking about wanting to have sex with a girl they are dating---in a good way, being excited about it. So if he's been having thoughts of how good it's going to be and then it's everything but, he's freaking out. Plus we don't know his past situations. I think that he told OP she was shy or whatever, indicates that he had a previous gf who may have been uptight or inexperienced, or insecure about sex. It also says the sex was not meeting his expectation or hope. Duh? I'm sure it didn't meet OP's either. But guys put a lot of stock into sex, typically more than women do, especially at beginning where real feelings haven't developed yet. Also guys want to be proficient and if they aren't (or perceive the encounter as if they aren't), they can easily get dejected. I think that's likely what's going on. What's worrying is how quickly he jumped to blaming her and pulling back. Suggests a fragile ego and immaturity at the very least. Not a factor of his age, immaturity and inability to have empathy and solve the "problem" together. At the very least, it was their first time together as a couple physically and someone who was more experienced or could see things from points of view other than his fragile ego's would know that there a ton of reasons why the 1st time was awkward and would not throw away a good girl without another try or two. That's my take at least. That is a fair point. When I was single I always felt insecure but for the most part I tried to be aware of that and not blame the other person 1
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