broken guy Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 Well, I have had a really bad 2 weeks. Its like a relapse I think. My friends have told me many things over the past 2 months and extra pieces of info have filtered through to me about my ex's "reasons" for dumping me in an email for another guy and also that she is in a super happy place without me but I digress. I blame one person for this and that is her ex-housemate who spread so many vicious lies about me to her! She turned my ex against me after 4 years, someone that I didnt even know and someone my ex had only know for a month or so. I have her email so do I just vent at her and call her the spawn of hell etc etc? Or do I rise above it and leave it? My ex still has not got in touch with me about the divorce news from home that my Mum will lose her house and everything inside it and that angers me too. I want to send her a FINAL email saying she is heartless and that her "reasons" for dumping someone like she did were crap, they were merely excuses. DO I blow my top or do I finally walk away kicking myself for the things I could have done better? Kicking myself for losing her in alomst the same way that her previous ex lost her by not realizing what I had (due to my depression with living alone, far away and having MAJOR troubles at work)?? Help.
Merin Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 Silence is Golden. Don't send the Friend of your EX's anything.. that would be stooping to that level and you're better than that. Don't allow ANY of the things that were said about you to be true.. know what I mean? Don't send your EX a final email telling her she's heartless or arguing with her on her reasons for ending the relationship... it won't make you feel any better I'm guessing in the end AND could actually make you feel worse if she doesn't respond. Hang in there
Author broken guy Posted May 22, 2005 Author Posted May 22, 2005 Well, I wouldnt argue with her reasons, just say that they were wrong and that she should havee discussed the matter with me before I went back to the UK for a 3 week relaxing break (she recommend it too!). I know she told her friend she didnt tell me as she was scared that she would take me back, knowing this is painful as I know I could have prevented this. I should have confronted her with the flirty texts on her phone and why I was being made to sleep in a different room. I was too trusting. I will admit I made mistakes, BIG ones but she did too yet I can forgive and forget. I actually wrote a letter telling her about how sorry I was for the things I did over this past 7 months but I did them for the benefit of working things out for us, sounds strange I know but we had discussed all of what we were going to do and thats why I dont know why she holds these actions against me seeing as she agreed they were good ideas! Im in a mess. I want someone back who will never come back and the new guy is earning LOADS of money. Im sure its not the money but I think the career etc has SOMETHING to do with it. I feel smaller than an atom. Im not worth anything. 4 years of painful memories now. I put 1.5 years of my life on hold for this girl, the least she could have done is TALK to me before this happened. Now I have to find a new future without her and I dont know what that will be seeing as I dont even have a career, just a job and a useless degree. Life just became a massive pit of pain and self-destruction. I just want her to understand what she has done. She always thought Id leave her for the next best thing that came along and she could never think of a single reason why I was with her and not someone more "fun" as she put it. The reason? I was in LOVE with her, just forgot to tell her...
Marshbear Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 It will do no good to tell her how sorry you are and will just bring you more pain. She just doesn't want to deal with anything to do with you so you need to take the same attitude. It is good you can forgive and forget for it will set you on a course of healing. This is about you not her. You cannot control her actions only your own. Just remember the mistakes you made in this relationship and carry that knowledge to the next one. Peace...
Author broken guy Posted May 22, 2005 Author Posted May 22, 2005 Next one eh.....dunno about that one. It took me 24 years to find that girl and she was the 1st proper girlfriend I ever had. Now she is the age when I met her and Im just a 28 year old with no idea about the future. I just want to know why she cant deal with me yet she was totally capable of dealing with her ex? She spoke to him at length about the break and then the FULL break-up and she still continued to talk to him on the phone and email after that, yet I dont even quality for that even though our relationship lasted 4 times as long! I'm sure I deserved better than I got in the end, I would have never considered doing this in such a cowardly way. I think she is so scared to face me as she is guilt ridden for being such a cow to me after all we had been through together. Its at times like this I wish I had done all this crap as a teenager coz thats what I feel like.
SoleMate Posted May 22, 2005 Posted May 22, 2005 bg, I know your heart is screaming, "WWWHHHYYYYYYY??????", but you cannot express that emotion to her. In fact, you cannot express any emotion to her now, nor have any communication. The reason is, it will make you feel worse. You should not blast her with your hate, on account of the 4 happy years. Expressing that kind of anger actually magnifies it. Even if you are 100% correct about the housemate's lies, you will only look like a fool and feel even more diminished. Act strong, even if you don't feel strong. Use NC. Fake it 'til you make it. Be the bigger person, and don't give your ex any more excuses as to why she had to dump you ("Look at what an @$$hole he's being!"). BTW, I have a hard time believeing that a real, solid r/s of 4 years duration could EVER be broken up just on the basis of statements from a housemate. Sounds like you two had serious problems already. Part of your recovery will be a) forgiving her, b) forgiving yourself, and c) thinking about what you will do differently next time. Here's an idea - you and your Mum are both suffering and in pain - why don't you turn to each other? You might find that consoling your Mum relieves a little bit of your pain. You will recover from this. In fact, some day, you will look back on this and realize it was the disaster that set you on the right road to your destiny.
Author broken guy Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 Well, its already too late for the "Why" and "I love you" and "Just give me a chance" comments to not come out as I have done that already. The ex-housemate has called me sad, pathetic loser and I think the ex has done the same now seeing as she is telling her that I came round and said all this. I think I deserved the chance and also I just had to tell her how much I loved her and will fight for what I believe in. I still have had no reply from the latest divorce news. I am wondering if I should send her an SMS message just saying I hope we can be friends one day but I dont want her to contact me for the time being, even though she isnt contacting me anyway.
Candy Cane Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Yeah. Sometimes you just gotta walk away. The only thing that will make you feel better is time. I highly recommend not venting at anyone...the ex or the roommate. You should walk away with a little self respect left in your pocket. You might need it later.
Author broken guy Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 In the end, she left me for a better life. She now has the friends, the parties, the nice apartment, the money and the new BF. That is what makes me feel sad with myself, that I knew she didnt have these things and I wanted her to have the friends and the parties etc. and I gave her the chance to get them, she just forgets that is what I did for her, I gave her the freedom to do this and never once thought shed leave me. She found this happiness without me is what she said. That will always hurt me and I still squirm and cry and hate myself for suggesting the open relationship 7 months ago, even though she did agree to it and said it was a good idea. The fact that I will never be with her again or visit her again or talk with her etc etc is so painful. I put myself in this position, I have put myself back in a rut I escaped from when I met her. I was a fool. Im repeating myself I think though. This wasnt the point of my post. Do I tell her not to send me any more messages or, seeing as she hasnt replied for days, just leave it and accept the fact that she believes the lies of her ex-housemate whom she ended up hating?
Candy Cane Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Broken Guy, her life isn't so great. She just wants you to believe that. She gets lonely just like you do...so don't wallow thoughts of her happiness. Okay? And DO NOT contact her. You are beating a dead horse and making a mess of things. You need to get yourself together. Start thinking better of yourself and not be so dependant on her for your happiness. Easier said than done, I know...but I just thought I'd say it anyway. PS DO NOT contact her. PSS DON'T CONTACT HER!!
Author broken guy Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 I wont and I know I shouldnt have in the first place. Everyone told me not to but I know her too well, or maybe I didnt..anyway, I contacted her to try to talk to her and also she asked me not to talk to her about it in an email so I thought that, if I could put some doubt into her mind, it might bring her back. She wanted no contact, I wasnt going to give her that pleasure. She IS happier though, she has told me and her friends and family. She FINALLY has a life and will NOT be missing me. She missed her ex when she broke up with him for me, cried on many an occasion, but she as 19 then and didnt know much better. I showed her a new world and this guy is now doing the same, only his world is full of riches, parties and people in the know, stuff I cant supply ESPECIALLY where we are (Japan). I know I have to think better about myself. I was just looking in the mirror and telling myself I deserved this for pushing her away when I needed her most. For listening to my friends advice of not moving in with her again for a bit. And also for thinking that the only thing that was making me happy was not being with her but with another friend (girl). We would go out as a group and I would have a great time with her, I thought something was developing between us when I knew full well it wasnt. She was a release for me due to the stress I was under at work. Even other people said I was happier when I was hanging out with this girl, I agreed but I knew she wasnt the one for me and that I could make things work again with my ex, as I knew I loved her and my depression was only temporary. Basically, I lost myself. I had been living alone for 4 months, no one came to see me (apart from the mentioned girl for a movie night once a week),I lived in the middle of nowhere with nothing to do, work was screwing me over and I was thinking of going back to the UK. I found myself on the plane going home for a break but then that was taken away. IF I find someone else to love then I know not what to do.
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