HowCouldShe Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 (edited) So long story short you can view my situation here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/551371-2-years-down-drain-matter-days-my-story For the last 3 weeks I have been seeing a therapist twice a week to cope. Thru these sessions I have learned that I have severe abandonment issues. My doctor recommended me to a good professional. Ironically, he's the same therapist that my parents have been going to for the last year. Because they allowed him to tell me (HIPAA laws), I found out thru this therapist that my father suffers from severe PTSD from the military and childhood abuse. My mother constantly has had suicidal thoughts at the thought of being left alone if he were to die first. Both suffer from dementia. My family is broken and unfortunately it seems as though I suffer from abandonment issues from childhood as a result. It originated when mydad would leave for 3 months at a time while I was growing up when he was inthe Navy. Well, apparently that had some long term effects on me as an adult.This was due to the only adult who was present (my mother) being severelyunstable and medicated to deal with her loneliness and death of her brother ata young age. I was pretty much left alone emotionally growing up during theseyears. Every girl that I have ever cared about in my life has left me citing the same reasons this last onedid. It has become a pattern and she just happened to stay the longest, so Ithought this time I lucked out. Due to this disease that I'm now uncovering, when I am in a comfortable and stable relationship,I somehow become very selfish, lazy (explanation of weight gain), self-centered,mean, cast blame at everything, become passive aggressive, and push buttons that annoy. All the while I am totally unaware of environmental instances where I'm emotionally hurting the person that I'm with.The doc says I don't mean to do this intentionally (I'm not even aware when it's happening), it's as if I self-sabotage the relationship as a whole (during thebest part of it) because I feel as though I am unlovable or worthless due tothe abandonment issue. Apparently, I've suffered with this since childhood. Everyone eventuallyleaves, even if they never mean to and usually with a lasting thought that I'm some horrible kind of person. I unintentionally make it that way and I'm leftthinking "what did I do wrong?". That is my curse. Ironically, it's been kind of like peeling back an onion for me and getting to the core of the problem. I'm thankful that i'm now AWARE of this issue I have. So in a sense, this was a good thing. I don't know quite yet how I get thru this, but the talks with my therapist help. I'm back in shape and physically I feel muchbetter. I do have hope that someone someday will see this issue of mine (or I can somehow diffuse it) and they will know that deep down true love exists for them and those unintentional actions are not on them...but on me and my disease. Anyways, the point of this thread is I am now 9 days into NC. When she left, she blamed herself and didn't understand why she had such depression. In reality, it was me. And I want to let her know thru a letter. I want to tell her about this disease and my talks with this threrapist in the hopes that she can understand. My dilemma is, I haven't given her much space. (9 days isn't quite a lot) and so I don't want her to this think is some ploy to get her back, but basically an understanding of why things happened. I feel a deep down desire to send this letter regarding my disease, but I wonder if I should wait a few weeks. I just don't want to lose her for good, but at the same time... she has real anger towards me. All thoughts are welcomed and appreciated. Edited October 17, 2015 by HowCouldShe
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 Call her. Ask her: "If I just talk for a minute - just give me a minute - would you be willing to listen? I'll say my piece, then hang up. If you want to think about it then come back to me reply, I'd welcome comment. But if I don't hear from you within 3 days, I will take it as read that you feel this is too far gone for us to try to have a meeting of minds and discuss this further. Will you listen?" prepare a letter. Word it concisely, and dispassionately - in other words, don't hang everything onto your emotions, but simply explain how things have unfolded with your therapist. Read it to her, but don't rush it. Rushing garbles words, and you don't want to do that on the 'phone. Then tell her - "I will send that to you as an email for you to read again and digest. Thanks for listening." And hang up.
Author HowCouldShe Posted October 17, 2015 Author Posted October 17, 2015 Call her. Ask her: "If I just talk for a minute - just give me a minute - would you be willing to listen? I'll say my piece, then hang up. If you want to think about it then come back to me reply, I'd welcome comment. But if I don't hear from you within 3 days, I will take it as read that you feel this is too far gone for us to try to have a meeting of minds and discuss this further. Will you listen?" prepare a letter. Word it concisely, and dispassionately - in other words, don't hang everything onto your emotions, but simply explain how things have unfolded with your therapist. Read it to her, but don't rush it. Rushing garbles words, and you don't want to do that on the 'phone. Then tell her - "I will send that to you as an email for you to read again and digest. Thanks for listening." And hang up. She called the cops on me 9 days ago for texting her. I'm deathly scared of revealing something this personal to her and getting rejected. What if she thinks less of me or thinks i'm some nut ball? I would rather just send it as a facebook msg but I don't know when to do it or if I should let a few weeks pass by to calm the waters first. Ugh....
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 If she called the cops do not contact her. The minute law enforcement gets involved, you have to stay away permanently. In time she'll deal with whatever she feels about you. You can't worry about her. You have a lot on your plate processing what you have learned recently. If both your parents have dementia, your life is going to get much worse before it gets better. You can't be taking on her stuff too. 4
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 She called the cops on me 9 days ago for texting her. I'm deathly scared of revealing something this personal to her and getting rejected. What if she thinks less of me or thinks i'm some nut ball? I would rather just send it as a facebook msg but I don't know when to do it or if I should let a few weeks pass by to calm the waters first. Ugh.... In that case I would continue with your therapy... Finding the root of a mental issue is not the same as being able to cure it. Finding it was the easy part. Now? Now you have to address it and evaluate how to deal with it constructively. So ignore her, leave her be. Focus on yourself. Confront your demons, and deal with them. Despatch them and deal with your problem. Hopefully, by the time you gain emotional independence and move on from your problems - she may not be as significant as she seems to be for you, now. 1
maturityassets Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 Hey look, Might be a hard to hear this. But the best thing to do is not to contact her. I know you feel like your emotional-mental conflicts got in the way of a good relationship, and that you are feeling guilt by putting the relationship on your shoulders. But you should learn from this experience. A relationship has two people and the other person should be accepting and supportive as well. Maybe you will find someone who is more accepting of you. A few years back when my previous relationship had ended, I realized how powerful my Generalized-Anxiety-Disorder was. It sabotaged that relationship and led to a bad argument even after the break up. But I realized then how severe it was in that moment, and when I told her that I want no contact for these reasons and told her how all of this was due to my anxiety, she offered to help but I refused because I realized this is something I have to deal on my own. Over 2 and a half years later I find myself in a better and honest relationship and with a more accepting partner (I come back from time to time here to see how people are doing) So its not a disease. That's a heavy label. It's not a scapegoat either. It was just your fear of abandonment, and while that might be seen as "irrational" you have opportunity to understand how prevalent this fear is and how you can overcome it. When you overcome it you will more than likely attract a future partner that will see you as a honest and strong person, and this partner might just be a better fit. Give it time. Work on yourself. Learn to also forgive yourself. Your perception of how much the relationship ending was your fault will change as time goes by. Good luck!
Art_Critic Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 She called the cops on me 9 days ago for texting her. Why would you want to call someone who called the police on you ? Your directive since she called the cops on you is to not contact her, make that 9 days into 900 days... if you contact her now you will show the police that she was right to call them... Leave her alone and work on yourself, take that new found knowledge that you have, work on fixing your own issues and then take the new and improved person you are into a relationship with someone NEW.
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