notsurewhy Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 Here is a short recap of my situation. My ex and I are both in our late forties. We knew each other a little when we were younger. We dated only for a few months.We had a deep connection on a lot of levels. She suddenly broke up with me in late July, by text of all things. I never got a reason, and was totally blindsided. I recently was informed that she has been seeing someone since early September. There is a possibility that they were in contact before that. Right now I feel pretty pissed off and angry. Some at what happened, but mostly at how it happened. And not getting any answers. I do however realize that I do have some shortcomings, and issues that may have led at least in part to the break-up. I OWN them and have continued to work through them. She was aware of these early on and told me she was ok with where I was and what I was doing. Apparently not!! So I am carrying a big chip on my shoulder right now. It is one hell of a motivator. My question is this. What are your thoughts on using the break-up and everything around it as a motivator to move on, better oneself, and become more successful that you could have ever imagined. Yes, I am motivated to show her that she made a mistake. It is not about getting her back. In fact if she came to my door right now and wanted to get back together, I'm not really sure I would even entertain the idea. It is to me more about the satisfaction of doing and finishing everything I had said I was going to do and showing that she made a mistake for not hanging in there with me. It really doesn't even matter if she ever finds out. Although we live in a small town and go to the same church, so there is a pretty good possibility she will find out. I do know that some guys who are into body building use a mental image of their ex's when they are lifting to push them further than before. I think this is the same thing. Only my goals are different than the bodybuilders.
Truth34 Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 You have to do it. Especially when you know you may have made some mistakes that pushed them away. The more time goes on the more I've learned, reflecting on things with a clear head I have acknowledged some dumb things I did. So of course it motivates me, because if it was a real issue and not something of shallow opinion, it needs to be worked on to avoid the same thing with another person in the future. Motivation is just a choice you make, you could very well just sulk for a few months too. And rightly so, in some cases.
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 I have heard of worse motivators. Just be sure that you really know that your "I'll show her" attitude isn't going to win her back. Best of luck to you.
Chronograph Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 Yes, I am motivated to show her that she made a mistake. ... It really doesn't even matter if she ever finds out. If your motivation is to "show her" then it is implied that you're only gonna be satisfied if she finds out about it. I had a similar feeling shortly after my breakup. And it WAS a motivator, yes. But as soon as I realized that he actually couldn't care less if I was changing for the better or the worst ... the motivation was gone. You can only do it for yourself. Not for her.
oldshirt Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 Here is a short recap of my situation. My ex and I are both in our late forties. We knew each other a little when we were younger. We dated only for a few months.We had a deep connection on a lot of levels. She suddenly broke up with me in late July, by text of all things. I never got a reason, and was totally blindsided. I recently was informed that she has been seeing someone since early September. There is a possibility that they were in contact before that. Right now I feel pretty pissed off and angry. Some at what happened, but mostly at how it happened. And not getting any answers. I do however realize that I do have some shortcomings, and issues that may have led at least in part to the break-up. I OWN them and have continued to work through them. She was aware of these early on and told me she was ok with where I was and what I was doing. Apparently not!! So I am carrying a big chip on my shoulder right now. It is one hell of a motivator. My question is this. What are your thoughts on using the break-up and everything around it as a motivator to move on, better oneself, and become more successful that you could have ever imagined. Yes, I am motivated to show her that she made a mistake. It is not about getting her back. In fact if she came to my door right now and wanted to get back together, I'm not really sure I would even entertain the idea. It is to me more about the satisfaction of doing and finishing everything I had said I was going to do and showing that she made a mistake for not hanging in there with me. It really doesn't even matter if she ever finds out. Although we live in a small town and go to the same church, so there is a pretty good possibility she will find out. I do know that some guys who are into body building use a mental image of their ex's when they are lifting to push them further than before. I think this is the same thing. Only my goals are different than the bodybuilders. I've read your other posts and I think there are a number of issues here. -First off lets talk about dating in general and it's role in the cosmos. In modern western society we choose our own mates where as much of the rest of the world throughout history has practiced some form of arranged marriage where family or tribal elders select mates for the individual. The role of dating there for is it is a noncommitted interview and probationary period where both parties can spend time with each other doing a variety of activities together with the purpose of getting to know each other to see if they are the one that they want to commit to making a home and family together. Neither party is under any form of commitment and either can end the interview and probationary period at any time, for any reason or for NO reason if they do not believe the other person is the right match for them. This can be done without prejudice or repercussion. Either party is free to continue to date if they want, and either party is free to terminate the process without prejudice if they want. -I think somewhere in your few months of seeing this gal you lost touch with all of that and you became a lot more emotionally invested in the relationship and thought that it was a lot deeper and more serious and more committed that what it was. in your other posts people used the words 'clingy' and 'intense' etc etc and while I agree with that, I think it even went a little deeper than that for you. I think that somewhere in there you felt that since you two had common interests and an emotional connection, that you were somehow already an established and committed couple with joint life plans and a commitment for a life and future together. That is what marriage is. you weren't anywhere close to that as a couple. you were still going on Sat night dates learning what flavor of ice cream the other liked at Baskin Robbins. Your were putting the cart in front of the horse right out of the gate. - You seem to be torturing yourself over what you did wrong or why she ended the dating relationship. There is no answer here that will satisfy you or that will make you agree with it or think that it is OK. She may have ended the dating process because she didn't like the snorting noise you make when you laugh or she may have thought your thumbs were too long (don't laugh or roll your eyes. I am citing an actual reason that a gal I know broke up with a guy she was seeing. that is right, his thumbs were too long. she couldn't deal with it.) The bottom line here is she simply did not see a future with you for what is probably a combination of a thousand different things and she chose not to continue. As long as you weren't abusing her, mistreating her, insulting her, getting falling down drunk and publically embarrassing her etc etc etc, it is on her and not on you. it is her choice. You are never going to get a satisfactory answer of why she broke it off because you didn't want to break up. There for there is nothing she can say or do that will make you go, "Oh yeah, I see now! you are right, it's a good thing we broke up!" Nope, sorry. Ain't gonna happen. You aren't going to get it and you aren't going to agree with it no matter what she says so just let that one go. -- you are still carrying a lot of anger and baggage over this and you are turning a lot of it inwards on yourself and blaming yourself and some supposed "shortcomings" for the break up. (like I said, unless you were mean to her or abusing her or were getting drunk and pushing down old ladies in the street or tossing baby birds out of their nests, you were not in the wrong. you just weren't the right one for her in her opinion) I recommend seeking some professional guidance on how to best leave the hurt and anger and baggage behind you. I think you should seek some professional assistance that can help you with some positive coping strategies and techniques that will help you move forward in a positive and healthy manner. - your desire to do self improvement is admirable, but your rationale for doing it is off. It needs to be something you do for yourself because you want to better yourself and do other things than what you are doing now. It should not be about her. Self improvement is not about showing up someone else or doing things to show them or to make them regret dumping you or for getting them back. It is about you. If you make it about her, it will always backfire and end up making you hurt worse and feel worse about it because you are still giving them all of the power. There is a million to one chance that she did not reject you for your biceps. There for pumping up your biceps in the gym will not make her take you back. She likely did not reject you because you were not rich so going out and striking oil in your back yard will not make her take you back. However there may be someone else out there that would really like a oil tycoon with bulging biceps so by all means start working out and drilling for oil. but do it for you, not for her.
Recommended Posts