ascotsman83 Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 I met this great girl a couple of weeks ago, she's genuinely thrown a spanner in the works. Everything moved very fast and we were intimate on the first night and thereafter a few times, the chemistry was very real. We would text every day and whenever we were together she was really affectionate towards me. Suddenly a couple of days ago that all changed, she told me was feeling overwhelmed and wanted to slow things down. That she liked me but really wants to focus on herself and not feel obligated to anyone else just now, it doesnt mean she's interested in anyone else. She's just recently came out of 18months relationship so thats understandable and I respect that. However i'm finding it difficult now. Since she said that to me the contact has been minimal, I send her a good morning text and leave it at that unless she replies. I'm driving myself crazy constantly thinking about it and battling not to text her mote often! I wonder if really she was trying to let me down gently or if she really does mean to take things slowly, surely she'd be in contact more often though if that was the case? I don't know what to do as i've been single for a while now and I planned to stay single to focus on other areas of my life. This girl has changed everything though and I hate this feeling I have now of not knowing. I have all of this on my mind but I know it won't help to confront her about it as she obviously doesnt want to deal with anything like this just now. I just need some advice and release really. Im usually a confident guy but this has really knocked me lol It's crazy how one person can affect you in such a way.
fitnessfan365 Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 Good morning/night texts are typically reserved for couples. Not people that have been seeing each other for a few weeks. If you act like a woman's boyfriend way too soon, it often leads to her pulling back and needing to slow down. My advice? Stop contacting her for now. Let her reach out to you and when she does just ask her when she's free to get together next. Then make plans and talk to her then. If you don't hear from her in the next week or so, try reaching our once to plan the next date. If that busts, she isn't interested IMO. In general though, scale way back on the texting. Have the patience to allow her to initiate as well and let things build more gradually. 4
Author ascotsman83 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Posted October 17, 2015 Ye that makes sense. It's just been a while since i've been in this situation so struggling with how to react. I guess i'm just worried that by me not texting her that she'll see that as a sign that i'm not interested. Anyway it's a chance I have to take and logically I know by scaling back on the texting it'll let me know where her heads at and give her a chance to miss me. I think she's just realised how quickly things were going and completely back tracked. I'm hopeful she's genuine though about wanting to take it slow. If not then I had a great 2 weeks!!
GemmaUK Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 From a woman's point of view and one who said exactly the same to 3 men I dated at around the two week mark: I wasn't seeing nor even interested in anyone else at those times by the way. The issue for me was just too much texting which drained my day of time I used to have for things like cooking, eating, running errands, housework, sleeping. Not to mention not having time for my own hobbies, being in touch with my friends or just even sitting relaxing and watching a TV show (I had absolutely no time left for any of those things). I also felt obligated to reply and often I'd really have nothing much to say as nothing hugely exciting had happened in the past half hour or 15 minutes. Good morning texts for me are something I wouldn't want because as soon as I reply then the day starts all over with a pile of texts to reply to again. She already knows for a fact that you are interested, she just needs to get back into a healthy routine but also needs a chance to miss you. I suspect she just isn't feeling that at the moment so really needs a bit of a break to reset herself. Leave her be and follow her lead when she comes back. I've reached the point where I believe frequency of texting is something that needs to be discussed so that a happy medium can be struck. Many men seem to think women want lots of contact. It's not always the case. 5
CalvinM Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 The best advice I can give you, is to put a few days in between texts. I struggle with it too, but texting a woman should mostly be used to ask her out for a first date, and then to confirm subsequent dates. That's it. I get sucked into it too sometimes, but if you're texting her to find out how her day/week was, there's nothing left to talk about on the actual date. If she wants to see you more often, she'll let you know. Women aren't subtle, it's one of their best qualities. 3
Author ascotsman83 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Posted October 17, 2015 Gemma, thanks for your input from a woman's point of view. It completely makes sense and she did mention she was overwhelmed from the eagerness and frequency of texting. I'll just back off and not intiate any contact now for a few days and see if she contacts me. I think the biggest problem is that i'm doubtful if she does want to take it slow or she's just too nice to tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore. If i'm still in the dark in the next few days I think i'll ask to meet her and then have a chat to get a clearer underdstanding. Either way I just need to get on with my things and let fate decide what happens!
d0nnivain Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 I have a different take on this. To me it screams rebound. She went at you full force. . . this felt like a relationship from the beginning. . .intimacy plus frequent communications. Then she realized you weren't Him, her EX. She wanted a warm body where his used to be. When she realized what she was doing, even a little bit, maybe not even consciously but just that you aren't Him, she back peddled. I think you need to walk away because she is simply not ready to have a relationship, at any pace. 8
Zippy2000 Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 We do not know if she has been speaking to her ex and there is no prrof of that so I hope it hasnt put this idea into the OP head. I know a girl I started to text good mornings like almost every other day. This is a nice thought but like what Gemma mentioned earlier. It puts people off and also people dont have a lot of time in the day to send a text and then have a whole text convo after that. Its best to be a high quality person and send texts less frequently. Too many texts and you lack value. Pull back and see if she misses you. 2
smackie9 Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 Evidence: fresh out of a relationship. jumps full force passionately with someone asks to take it slow, interest drops off the face of the earth over night. 99% of the time, they are still talking to the ex after a breakup, and the possibility of reconciliation is high. 2
Strength in Healing Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 11/10 times, jumping into intimacy and moving too fast ends in disaster. The faster you go, the quicker the winds around you twist. You'll find yourself facing a tornado all alone. Be confident enough to take things slow. This is done. Damage is done. Learn from it. 1
Author ascotsman83 Posted October 17, 2015 Author Posted October 17, 2015 Hey everyone, thanks for your input. It's good to get views from different angles. So quick update, she text me this evening. I replied and we had a light conversation, just general chat really...a step in the right direction I hope. I suggested we go for a run when she's back in town and she said yes.(she travels for work) So hopefully I'm making the right moves now. With regards to her ex, she did mention to me a few days ago he's been in contact but she said an ex is an ex and that's it. We spoke briefly about our past relationships without going into too much detail. So anyway I guess i'll keep sticking to playing it cool, keep conversation light and friendly and see how it goes from there. No more good morning texts lol 1
GemmaUK Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 Your last post sounds all good. Scotsman, just relax.. What you chase runs away, chasing 'some' is OK but she needs the chance to chase you too - at least that is how I am and that is pretty much how it seems from your last convo.... : Quit the good morning and good night. Be a bit more random. A mid morning text telling her something funny that happened one day, an evening text the next - basically give her the space between to contact you first too!! 1
Stage5Clinger Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 I'm going to disagree with most people here and say; there's nothing at all wrong with saying good morning or goodnight. It shows you care about her. The problem is that she's not receptive to that whether it's because of the ex or anything else. Time to pack your things and go on. 1
seekingluck Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I'm going to disagree with most people here and say; there's nothing at all wrong with saying good morning or goodnight. It shows you care about her. The problem is that she's not receptive to that whether it's because of the ex or anything else. Time to pack your things and go on. I think it is weird, unless we have established that sort of relationship. Also good morning to me warrants no response. Not an actionable text at all. 1
jam.over.jelly Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 I met this great girl a couple of weeks ago, she's genuinely thrown a spanner in the works. Everything moved very fast and we were intimate on the first night and thereafter a few times, the chemistry was very real. We would text every day and whenever we were together she was really affectionate towards me. Suddenly a couple of days ago that all changed, she told me was feeling overwhelmed and wanted to slow things down. That she liked me but really wants to focus on herself and not feel obligated to anyone else just now, it doesnt mean she's interested in anyone else. She's just recently came out of 18months relationship so thats understandable and I respect that. However i'm finding it difficult now. Since she said that to me the contact has been minimal, I send her a good morning text and leave it at that unless she replies. I'm driving myself crazy constantly thinking about it and battling not to text her mote often! I wonder if really she was trying to let me down gently or if she really does mean to take things slowly, surely she'd be in contact more often though if that was the case? I don't know what to do as i've been single for a while now and I planned to stay single to focus on other areas of my life. This girl has changed everything though and I hate this feeling I have now of not knowing. I have all of this on my mind but I know it won't help to confront her about it as she obviously doesnt want to deal with anything like this just now. I just need some advice and release really. Im usually a confident guy but this has really knocked me lol It's crazy how one person can affect you in such a way. I could have sworn I thought you were the guy I'm sort of talking to right now. My exact situation! I have to say though, it doesn't seem like she's too excited about you. If she were, she would have initiated more, she would have wanted to talk to you more. This guy I'm talking to is super nice, super hot, we slept together once, and he's been texting me every.single.day since. Nothing over the top, just one or two texts a day, I always respond, but if he doesn't text me, I never text him first and we would go without talking to each other. Simply because he's not on my mind. The only thing you can do is to give her space, see if she comes to you. If she doesn't, let her go. I'm sure there are girls out there that will reciprocate your feelings. 1
Author ascotsman83 Posted October 18, 2015 Author Posted October 18, 2015 Ye it's a strange one to really pinpoint because the reason I let me guard down so soon was because of how affectionate she was being with me and she was saying all the right things "im thinking about you", "im missing you", "i cant believe how good we get along" etc And then after she said she wants to slow things down it's been less contact and friend like. I'm definitely not going to just pack up and give up because that goes against what I ultimately want, however I'm not going to put my life on hold and hope things get better. I'll keep focussing on myself and see how things develop over the near future. I'll have a better understanding when I see her next. If nothing happens then that's life and I move on and appreciate the time I did spend with her.
kpl Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Ye it's a strange one to really pinpoint because the reason I let me guard down so soon was because of how affectionate she was being with me and she was saying all the right things "im thinking about you", "im missing you", "i cant believe how good we get along" etc And then after she said she wants to slow things down it's been less contact and friend like. I'm definitely not going to just pack up and give up because that goes against what I ultimately want, however I'm not going to put my life on hold and hope things get better. I'll keep focussing on myself and see how things develop over the near future. I'll have a better understanding when I see her next. If nothing happens then that's life and I move on and appreciate the time I did spend with her. It sounds like she overestimated her ability to be in a relationship probably due to her ex. Maybe not, but probably. If she was texting you and responding to your good morning texts then this is not about your texts. She made you feel like she enjoyed that and then all of a sudden its a problem. Nope Nope Nope. I think what she is doing is actually very inconsiderate. If she can't keep up with what you were doing she should walk away, she is keeping you as an option and probably thinks you are a good guy if only she could move on. She isn't ready and I wouldn't let someone have the right to keep me at bay and "decide" on me. Don't treat yourself like an option. 1
Author ascotsman83 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 So i'll give a quick update and would be great to hear your thoughts. I backed off a little but then I had so much going on in my head I decided to tell her in a voice note exactly what I was thinking so I could gain some more clarity or end it there e.g. ''I'm confused by this whole situation and don't really know how I should behave, and it wasn't really what I understood by taking things slow''. Look....I know this goes against a lot of advice but I've never been a person who can just hold those thoughts in, so I went with my instinct. Anyway it actually resulted in a more positive response than I thought it would. She understood and explained her reasons for backing away, mainly she felt I was being too pushy and getting ahead of myself as I was talking about things we can do together on our days off etc. She went on to say that she definitely wants to stay in touch with me but at this moment in time she is not ready to feel that she has to answer to anyone just now. She proposed that we be friends for now, take it slowly and build on things from there. Saying she wants to spend time to get to know each other properly, she felt we moved way too fast at the start. She also emphasised a couple of times that she likes me, is attracted to me and feels we have chemistry but its just a case of taking things slowly and see where things go from there. So at first I thought ''friends''? Not really my thing lol But...I've always been one to jump in head first when I meet a girl I really like. Maybe it makes sense to try it this way this time and having some faith that it will lead where I want it to. Anyway since then I've played it cool, it felt better to gain clarity. We've been communicating by text but again I've played it cool and she's been initiating conversations...so have I. Today she asked if I want to hang out this Friday, so let's see how that goes. I'll have a better idea if we still have that spark when I see her. For now I'm staying calm, getting on with my things and keeping busy. It's still difficult sometimes though because I just want to say so much and see her haha I dislike all this tactical stuff but it appears to be working!! I know if I keep contacting her i'll just appear needy or desperate and that's never an attractive thing.
xcupid Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 Evidence: fresh out of a relationship. jumps full force passionately with someone asks to take it slow, interest drops off the face of the earth over night. 99% of the time, they are still talking to the ex after a breakup, and the possibility of reconciliation is high. Doubtful but possible. In any event, she's not ready for a new relationship. Both the OP and the woman moved way too fast. Result is burnout, confusion, and a feeling of being overwhelmed. In the meantime, she's going to drive the OP nuts until he realizes she's not ready for a relationship.
veggirl Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 I think you need to date other girls. This one is on the rebound and this is too much "work" for so early on. 3
Author ascotsman83 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Posted October 26, 2015 I realise she's not ready for a relationship and to be honest its probably the best thing because I've always dived into them. Will make a change not to dive in and see what happens. However I'm not going to put everything in my life on hold because of this.
kendahke Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 With regards to her ex, she did mention to me a few days ago he's been in contact but she said an ex is an ex and that's it. IMO: an ex is an ex and unless you're working out parenting logistics or actively trying to resurrect the relationship, you should be in NC from them and not talking to them. The fact that she's gone at breakneck speed with you freshly out of this relationship says that she was looking to get over him by getting under someone else and people in rebound relationships tend to do that. Resolution removes the panic. She's not resolved her break up. 2
blueskyday Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) Your problem is not that you "dived in." I'd hate for you to think that and be too reserved with the next girl. Trust me, when a girl is into you, sleeping with you, and getting texts and attention from you, she is happy. Don't change what you are doing. This is clearly not your problem. It's her situation. The challenge is watching for signs of reciprocity from a new romantic partner. Once the other pulls away, all you can do is communicate with them and find out what's going on. Find out what they need, and then know and express back what you need. So, no games! Really, she broke up with you. You've been downgraded from relationship to friendship. I don't allow that myself...unless maybe some time elapses, say 6 months or so, and it would be a rare thing. Respect yourself and tell her you don't think she's ready for a relationship, but you want that with someone. You've got enough friends. She'll respect your bottom line. I think it's rude for her to sleep with you, have relationship with you that looks like she's all in, and then, BAM, pull the rug out from under you by breaking up with you only after you force the communication. Now she offers friendship? Naw! She has the right to change her mind and break up with you. Her choice. Your choice to to move on or hang around someone who has rejected you. It hurts, I know. But she will respect you more if you have some boundaries of your own. There is a consequence for breaking up with you, and that's no more access to you. Also, think about this. If you were texting too much, she could have simply told you that once she realized it. That's good communication. Then you adjust your texting and relationship accordingly. Why date a bad communicator? That's a dealbreaker. Move on and date a girl who wants a relationship. Don't change who you are. If I'm sleeping with a guy, I want those good morning and good night texts. It shows consideration and connection. Good things with the right person! �� Edited October 26, 2015 by blueskyday 4
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 26, 2015 Posted October 26, 2015 So at first I thought ''friends''? Not really my thing lol But...I've always been one to jump in head first when I meet a girl I really like. Maybe it makes sense to try it this way this time and having some faith that it will lead where I want it to. It won't. Whenever a girl gives you the 'let's just be friends first and build it up from there' it's a let down, slowly fizzling away because she doesn't have the balls to just tell you outright she isn't interested, or she likes the attention you're giving her. Don't put any faith in this at all. It's nothing you've done by the way. She's just not that into you. You did everything right, you showed interest, you went with not leaving her guessing. I lose interest when a guy leaves me hanging or tries to get me to guess whether he's into me or not. I like it when you are both into each other right away and it just falls into place. But on this occasion, she realised you weren't what she was looking for, or she realised she's not over her ex enough to properly date. Toss this one back.
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