New Poster, Looking For Support

[HurtinPDX]

Hello everyone

 

I posted in a different forum, but this seems the right place for me. I am trying to recover from a relationship with someone who was emotionally and verbally abusive to me.

 

Our relationship started off amazing. I truly felt I had found my soulmate. He was the first and only man I ever fell for like that...and I am in my 40s. I have never felt such love. We made plans to marry. I thought it would be forever.

 

About six months into the relationship things began to change. By then I was so invested and in love it was hard to understand what was happening. His criticism and anger with me seemed so valid...after all, I trusted him, right? I downplayed his aggravations with me. They started small: he thought he knew the "right" way to do things, like load the dishwasher. Soon it became my opinions and feelings were wrong. I can't recall the first time he blew up and raged, but it soon became a frequent occurrence.

 

I tried all the usual steps. I confronted him. I gave ultimatums about his temper (which I obviously didn't keep). I suggested counseling. The first therapist proved to be a catastrophe. He is an immensely charming and convincing man. Our therapy sessions turned into an autopsy of my faults. I became increasingly anxious. The more anxious I became, the more he accused me of being "crazy." I sought out therapy myself. That therapist proved to be the first light. She didn't think I was crazy at all. She told me point blank he was abusive.

 

He found all my vulnerabilities and exploited them. I can see this now, but not then. He would get angry with me about something small, and then accuse me of "overreacting" when I didn't like his yelling. When I would start crying, he'd get angrier, and use my sobbing as proof of how I was crazy. Then he would blow up with me and say the most hurtful things you could imagine. The end result was usually him storming off, saying it was over, breaking up with me. Then he'd go to his place and give me radio silence.

 

I wanted....desperately....for him to go back to being the kind, gentle, loving man I thought I knew. It was so crazy making. I would ask him to try again.

 

If he was just awful 24-7 it would have been easier, but each time we got back together the man I fell in love with would seem to be there...for shorter and shorter times. The periods of anger grew, and his behavior got worse. The cycle shortened for the worse.

 

He agreed to see a different therapist with me. This one saw right through him. She began confronting him in therapy. She told me she thinks he is a narcissist and will not change.

 

Fast forward to now: we were broken up more than we were together the last six months. His behavior became beyond cruel. The last time he stormed off he said more awful things about me. He has since tried to turn our mutual friends against me, telling them I am crazy and deranged and how sad he is, how much he loves me....and yet he completely ignores me. He is incredibly cold.

 

I know this relationship is over and needs to be over. I do not want him to hurt me anymore. I desperately need this pain to end. This man has demolished my self esteem. Before we dated I was a happy, active, very accomplished person. Now I am in constant pain.

 

I am asking for help and support for going NC. I've read a bunch of posts on here that show me others have dealt with narcissists. I've tried to go my own versions of NC in the past. I wasn't familiar with the idea. Now I am trying to do it for real. I want to use this thread to post every day if I have done it or not. So far I have: blocked him on FB, unfriended most his sycophant friends, and deleted his number and email. I also ordered the No Contact Rule book.

 

I have not blocked his number or email. That feels like an emotional challenge. Please tell me if I should.

 

Please give me your advice and support. As I told a friend, "Even if what he says about me is true, I don't want to be treated like this." I don't want this.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Hello everyone

 

I know this relationship is over and needs to be over. I do not want him to hurt me anymore. I desperately need this pain to end. This man has demolished my self esteem. Before we dated I was a happy, active, very accomplished person. Now I am in constant pain..........

 

 

I have not blocked his number or email. That feels like an emotional challenge. Please tell me if I should.

 

Please give me your advice and support. As I told a friend, "Even if what he says about me is true, I don't want to be treated like this." I don't want this.

 

 

HurtinPDX, good for you seeking out support for yourself! That tells me that your self esteem is not demolished!

 

You have laid out your case here logically and well and to me you seem to have it all together. Point being after what you've been through you're coming out of it in a healthy way!

 

To encourage you to stay NC here's a thought, think about your future and what you want it to be like. You were having shorter and shorter periods of good times between the bad times and the bad times were coming more often. Had you not broken up think how awful things would have been in a year's time as they would only escalate.

 

You can now look ahead to a year from now knowing you will be free and past this train wreck of a person.

 

I dated a guy like this and couldn't seem to let go. When I finally did it was the best thing I ever did. The guy married someone else and treated her the same way, great at first and then worse and worse. They finally divorced. I was so glad i wasn't the one who married him.

[HurtinPDX]

HurtinPDX, good for you seeking out support for yourself! That tells me that your self esteem is not demolished!

 

You have laid out your case here logically and well and to me you seem to have it all together. Point being after what you've been through you're coming out of it in a healthy way!

 

To encourage you to stay NC here's a thought, think about your future and what you want it to be like. You were having shorter and shorter periods of good times between the bad times and the bad times were coming more often. Had you not broken up think how awful things would have been in a year's time as they would only escalate.

 

You can now look ahead to a year from now knowing you will be free and past this train wreck of a person.

 

I dated a guy like this and couldn't seem to let go. When I finally did it was the best thing I ever did. The guy married someone else and treated her the same way, great at first and then worse and worse. They finally divorced. I was so glad i wasn't the one who married him.

 

That is an amazing point that had never hit me before. What if we had married? It would have been terrible. I'd have so much more to deal with. Funny how that never occurred to me.

 

I need to find ways to grieve this loss, let it go...

[HurtinPDX]

I'm going to make this my journal to keep NC and try to heal the best I can...

 

Yesterday I blocked him on all social media, blocked his email and phone and mostly erased him from my life.

 

The pain is beyond immense, catastrophic. I had a horrible dream last night where I was screaming in a mirror, NO NO NO, just all this pain at this loss. In the dream I was sobbing. I woke up with tears on my cheeks.

 

I have a good counselor and she tells me just to let the pain be. So whenever the pain comes I tell myself, "you are in pain. It is okay." But it doesn't help. The pain is there. It feels like the worst loss of my life. I have never loved anyone like this, and part of me believes it cannot be over. It is like a death but he is still alive, walking around, and that just destroys me.

 

I am not sure what to do about his family. I was really close to his sisters. I lost my own family, and having his family "adopt" me was so special and important to me. I feel that just makes the loss even worse. I don't want to lose them but I also know they will remind me of him and keep that connection alive. I don't know what to do about that, and the holidays are approaching, which makes this all hurt even more.

 

Thank you for listening.