Pain won't go away

[HurtHusband]

Hubster I had no sex with my wife for 4 years! In her two month affair last year she had more sex with the AP than with me during our entire marriage.

That galls me, they had pure sex, she got dressed up, she's never made an effort like that for me.. Why? Am I undeserving of sex? With me it's ' the kids, or she's tired or wants to watch a movie etc. always some excuse.

 

It's not you it's her!! Took me awhile to figure it out. The OM is not better than you, he's just not you! And that's the attraction. Same thing with my wife. It's all fantasy. Your a stable provider guy, she won't appreciate you until she loses you.

There are a ton of women out there who really want the stable provider guy.

Go to see a lawyer for an hr and explain everything. You will feel better as your taking steps. Chat with afew women at work. I went online after my wife's affair and real used that there were women out there who were interested in me. I needed to repair my confidence, I didn't cheat but made some friendships and realized that their are plenty of far better women out there.

Obsessing about your wife will not help. Accept the fact that she's a cheat, plain and simple. Gather some evidence of her infidelities or screenshots and keep it in a safe place.

 

 

Your wife like most cheaters is probably extremely selfish and probably has grown accustomed to being provided for by you. She wants her cake and eat it too. Stop worrying about her dumping you because frankly that would be doing you a favour! Just realise what she is and start thinking about what you want and what life would be like with a decent woman or without all this horrible drama and feeling.

[Spectre]

As others have said..please walk away from this horrible woman.

[oldshirt]

I have read both of your posts and have a few points I want to make but will put into a few different posts to make it easier to read.

 

 

For starters I think you have been duped here and have been played as a chump and as the fool.

 

 

In your other post you stated you have only had sex a number of times over a several year period and in this thread you state that you were completely celibate for a year and a half during the course of her affair.

 

 

I don't mean this to be mean or to put you down but what kind of meat eating, red blooded, able bodied married man that calls himself an American goes a year and a half with no marital sex life and doesn't do a system-wide, top to bottom shakedown to get to the bottom of it?

 

 

You were asleep at the switch here. This rabbit hole goes much deeper than what you are even presenting here. This was not an all American, apple pie eating, June and Ward Cleaver picture perfect match. There were a million leaks in the dike that were not being looked in to.

 

 

Now, you may have been a star-struck, naïve, "nice guy" that got taken advantage of, but this may go much deeper and there may be something a little more sinister taking place here.

 

 

The more you actually dig, the more dirt you unearth and I don't think you've even scratched the surface yet.

 

 

I think she saw your sweet and trusting nature and your devotion to her kids and I think she play-acted the sweet Madonna, damsel in distress character to you in order for you to feed and babysit her kids while she blows guys in the park like the town tramp.

 

 

I think if you do enough digging and probing around, you'll find she's always been the town whore. She was only the Madonna for you.

 

 

Hire a PI on the down low and have him do some digging. I'm willing to bet he's going to find some history of credit card fraud, bad checks, welfare fraud and various associations with some unsavory men and other characters.

 

 

The tip off here was the mention of the drug addicted mother, no other supporting family and the absentee bio father(s) of her kids. She is a career survivor, and to survive she has learned to manipulate and role play and she has manipulated you and probably a few other men. She's probably always being doing it, it's just that She had perfected her craft better by the time you came around.

 

 

The fact that you've never had an active and satisfactory marital sexlife is due to she picked you as the provider and the tender to the children. She was never sexually into you. She is attracted to the dudes she bangs at the park.

 

 

You were played but you were probably in over your head from the start.

[oldshirt]

continuing on from my last post, lets make clear your wife is an accomplished liar and you are a lovestruck, trusting naïve mark.

 

 

Everything that comes out of her mouth is probably some form of manipulation, part of an agenda or an outright lie.

 

 

So lets take this "abortion" that she had to 'save your marriage."

 

 

For background info, my wife had a miscarriage at home a few years into our marriage. She was doubled over with cramping and the house looked like the kill-floor of meat packing plant. She had to go to the hospital for a D and C and for the next few months we had doctor bills, clinic bills, hospital bills, lab bills, radiologist bills and anesthesia bills in the mailbox about every week or so.

 

 

So with that in mind, let me ask you this - did you ever see her cramping or uncomfortable for a few days? Abortions are not as neat and tidy and painless as they are portrayed on TV. Do you remember a period of time during that time frame she was cramping and bitching about a bad period or anything?

 

 

Were there bloody pads piling up in the bathroom waste basket for a few days? Any blood spots on the bedsheets or in her underwear in the laundry?

 

 

Were there any strange doctor bills or clinic bills coming to the house?

 

 

Now assuming that she was a cheating wife trying to cover all these tracks, was she acting at all suspicious or putting in any effort to try to hide all of these things that would've been going on????

 

 

Any chance this "abortion" was really a miscarriage and her 'depression' is over losing a baby that she and the OM were actually trying to have???

(and cuckold you into paying for and raising as your own)

 

 

Any chance she was never pregnant at all and this is just some kind of psycho story to get you to feel sorry for her and to get off her back about banging dudes at the park???????

 

 

Have you seen any form of objective evidence that a pregnancy ever existed such as a lab testing bill or a home pregnancy wrapper in the trash or any morning sickness or bloating or mood swings or changes in appetite that correlates with that time frame.

 

 

Is there anything other than her saying that she was pregnant and had an abortion that gives any evidence that a pregnancy ever existed????

[oldshirt]

And along those same lines, has she ever DONE anything that indicates she has any true remorse and has lifted a single finger to try to earn back your trust and to work on making her marriage work? Has she DONE anything other than tell you words??

 

 

By that I mean has she exhibited any actions or behaviors? Has she written any no contact letters or emails to the OM and have you actually seen them or has she just told you she told him not to contact her?

 

 

Has she bought and read any books on recovery from infidelity?

 

 

Has she scheduled and followed through with any kind of counseling or therapy?

 

 

Has she opened up ALL of her emails, phone records, facebook etc for you to see on the spot and not after having a chance to delete and clean everything up?

 

 

Does she act like a woman who is concerned that she may suddenly be divorced and tossed out into the street? Has she seen a lawyer to protect her financial, property and child custodial rights? Has she seen an accountant to review her finances and come up with a financial plan in the event of a divorce? Has she looked into alternative housing or checked with friends to see if she and the kids could stay if she gets tossed out suddenly? Has she been looking for any additional employment in case she has to support herself and her children on their own?

 

 

 

 

I assume she has cried her eyes out and apologized on her grandmothers grave when you were confronting her, but has she shown any indication of being upset or sad or worried or concerned about the state of her marriage of her life during the course of a normal day or other than the times you are bringing it up does she seem perfectly happy and content with the status quo?

 

 

So the bottomline here is, other than telling you she is sorry and upset when you are riding her ass about it, has she shown any kind of distress or any kind of alteration to her regular daily life over this life-altering event at all??????

[oldshirt]

And finally, lets talk a little man to man here.

 

 

You've been duped and you've been played. You were a chump and a cuckold for awhile that took care of some gal's children while she played the field. You tried to be a White Knight and rescue a damsel in distress, but what you have to show for it now is you look more like the village idiot and got played by the village harlot.

 

 

OK that sucks but it's water under the bridge now. Now you are at a crossroads and have the biggest and most life-impacting decision of your life as a man.

 

 

You have a perfect get out of jail free card in your hand right now. You caught her red-handed with her hand in the cookie jar and if you take my suggestion on the PI you will find that this sweet, demure, chaste little angel is really a nasty piece of work that is nothing like what was portrayed to you and what you chose to see. you have a ticket to ride.

 

 

You can remove the rose tinted glasses and see her for the con man that she is and get an attorney and get away from her and put her in your rearview mirror and move on to live a healthy and happy life.

 

 

Or you can continue to be the gullible, naïve, weak, lovesick puppy dog that believes her boldfaced lies and deceptions and continue to be the village idiot that cleans her fireplace and feeds her kids while rides other men for fun.

 

 

You can continue to be taken for a ride and continue to hope to have sex a handful of time every 5 years when she can schedule you in around all her other men -

 

 

-or you can Velcro your balls back on and straighten your spine and toss this user and her ragamuffins from other men out into the street so you can carry on with the rest of your life.

 

 

You are 42 years old. That is the prime of life for a man. I would give anything to be 42 again and I would sure do a lot of things a whole lot different. You have that opportunity to make it right and to make a whole new life for yourself without this person dragging you down.

[hubster]

And finally, lets talk a little man to man here.

 

 

You've been duped and you've been played. You were a chump and a cuckold for awhile that took care of some gal's children while she played the field. You tried to be a White Knight and rescue a damsel in distress, but what you have to show for it now is you look more like the village idiot and got played by the village harlot.

 

 

OK that sucks but it's water under the bridge now. Now you are at a crossroads and have the biggest and most life-impacting decision of your life as a man.

 

 

You have a perfect get out of jail free card in your hand right now. You caught her red-handed with her hand in the cookie jar and if you take my suggestion on the PI you will find that this sweet, demure, chaste little angel is really a nasty piece of work that is nothing like what was portrayed to you and what you chose to see. you have a ticket to ride.

 

 

You can remove the rose tinted glasses and see her for the con man that she is and get an attorney and get away from her and put her in your rearview mirror and move on to live a healthy and happy life.

 

 

Or you can continue to be the gullible, naïve, weak, lovesick puppy dog that believes her boldfaced lies and deceptions and continue to be the village idiot that cleans her fireplace and feeds her kids while rides other men for fun.

 

 

You can continue to be taken for a ride and continue to hope to have sex a handful of time every 5 years when she can schedule you in around all her other men -

 

 

-or you can Velcro your balls back on and straighten your spine and toss this user and her ragamuffins from other men out into the street so you can carry on with the rest of your life.

 

 

You are 42 years old. That is the prime of life for a man. I would give anything to be 42 again and I would sure do a lot of things a whole lot different. You have that opportunity to make it right and to make a whole new life for yourself without this person dragging you down.

First of all, let me say that I love those "raggamuffins" and they are good kids so let's not call innocent children names. I will always be there for them and we have a special bond regardless of what their mother has done. Second, yes she is a liar, however, I do remember her being very ill and having a heavy period during the time when she had the abortion because she was trying to cover it up by saying she may see a doctor about it and she did show me the ultrasound that is required by law when you get an abortion along with the receipt etc, from when she got it. She has an unhealthy obsession with her baby because she says she feels like she killed her baby and I am going to leave her anyway. Fair enough, she cheated and this is on her and not me but my point is that this is not lies. Of course she lied about her affair and may be lying about possible other affairs etc but she did not lie about that.

[hubster]

I have read both of your posts and have a few points I want to make but will put into a few different posts to make it easier to read.

 

 

For starters I think you have been duped here and have been played as a chump and as the fool.

 

 

In your other post you stated you have only had sex a number of times over a several year period and in this thread you state that you were completely celibate for a year and a half during the course of her affair.

 

 

I don't mean this to be mean or to put you down but what kind of meat eating, red blooded, able bodied married man that calls himself an American goes a year and a half with no marital sex life and doesn't do a system-wide, top to bottom shakedown to get to the bottom of it?

 

 

You were asleep at the switch here. This rabbit hole goes much deeper than what you are even presenting here. This was not an all American, apple pie eating, June and Ward Cleaver picture perfect match. There were a million leaks in the dike that were not being looked in to.

 

 

Now, you may have been a star-struck, naïve, "nice guy" that got taken advantage of, but this may go much deeper and there may be something a little more sinister taking place here.

 

 

The more you actually dig, the more dirt you unearth and I don't think you've even scratched the surface yet.

 

 

I think she saw your sweet and trusting nature and your devotion to her kids and I think she play-acted the sweet Madonna, damsel in distress character to you in order for you to feed and babysit her kids while she blows guys in the park like the town tramp.

 

 

I think if you do enough digging and probing around, you'll find she's always been the town whore. She was only the Madonna for you.

 

 

Hire a PI on the down low and have him do some digging. I'm willing to bet he's going to find some history of credit card fraud, bad checks, welfare fraud and various associations with some unsavory men and other characters.

 

 

The tip off here was the mention of the drug addicted mother, no other supporting family and the absentee bio father(s) of her kids. She is a career survivor, and to survive she has learned to manipulate and role play and she has manipulated you and probably a few other men. She's probably always being doing it, it's just that She had perfected her craft better by the time you came around.

 

 

The fact that you've never had an active and satisfactory marital sexlife is due to she picked you as the provider and the tender to the children. She was never sexually into you. She is attracted to the dudes she bangs at the park.

 

 

You were played but you were probably in over your head from the start.

Yes I have been a chump and played etc, but I have been best friend with her cousin and pretty good friends with other family members for 20 years and they cannot believe it either. In fact, her cousin has taken my side in the whole issue but he says that it blows his mind that she would do these things because she never had before that he knew of, of course he might not have but he was so happy when I met her 12 years ago because he said she was such a good girl and so on. Everyone that knew her said she was a "good woman" and just went to work and took care of her kids and her business and didn't go out or do anything. I mean, it just seems so surreal.

[oldshirt]

First of all, let me say that I love those "raggamuffins" and they are good kids so let's not call innocent children names. I will always be there for them and we have a special bond regardless of what their mother has done. Second, yes she is a liar, however, I do remember her being very ill and having a heavy period during the time when she had the abortion because she was trying to cover it up by saying she may see a doctor about it and she did show me the ultrasound that is required by law when you get an abortion along with the receipt etc, from when she got it. She has an unhealthy obsession with her baby because she says she feels like she killed her baby and I am going to leave her anyway. Fair enough, she cheated and this is on her and not me but my point is that this is not lies. Of course she lied about her affair and may be lying about possible other affairs etc but she did not lie about that.

 

 

 

OK.

 

 

so there's evidence of an abortion. Which means while you were living in a sexless marriage and she was rejecting you, she was getting knocked up by other men.

 

 

Which is better? which is worse?

[Marc878]

I started have that "sixth sense" feeling because things had been going really badly for use for about a year so one time she asked me to reply to an email for her for a possible new job because I type much faster than her and I saw one with subject "cheating" which was very weird to me. I had never snooped in her stuff before because I never had any suspicions. So later, I opened it up and it had copies of texts where her and the OM had talked farely explicitly back and forth. It was vague though so it looked liked the texts from her old phone. She still had this old phone and it was even still kept on a charger for some reason on her night stand even though it had no service, so I went on it and saw the texts between them but there was a gap that didn't tell the whole story and left some interpretation. So I confronted her and she said she crossed the line that it was basically sexting but nothing physical. That hurt but I was willing to get past it. As time went on and I snooped more, I found more and more and she finally broke down and told me the majority of the truth and then because I became obsessed I began finding more details because she wasn't as good at hiding her tracks as she could have been. By the time I caught her, she had already told his wife because she broke it off but he wouldn't stop contacting her etc.

 

Cheaters lie, hide and deceive. She told OM wife???? How do you know?? That's a normal ploy. Oh she knows to keep you from exposing. How do you know they aren't still involved????

[Marc878]

The one thing is if you don't step up and take charge of your life no one else will.

 

Your life is what you make it. Of course she doesn't want a divorce. You are plan B.

 

The question you have to ask yourself is can you live with this permanently. It'll never go away. And she will probably never help you in any way which means she's not a bit sorry for her actions. Words are meaningless.

 

You found out what happened. She was never going to tell you the truth.

 

This was on her 100%. No marriage is perfect but most cheaters will blame the spouse to get the heat off them. Get it????

[zinger]

It's probably not my business but aren't you overcomplicating the situation? The way I read yours is:

- she cheated

- she's unwilling to move heaven and earth to win you back

- when you mentioned divorce her response in a nutshell was 'fine, but I need you to support me financially and give me a place to leave till I'm ready".

 

Tell me if I'm wrong but what's not clear in this picture? You see finances and everything else material can be easily solved with a certain physical and intellectual effort. Not so one's dignity and self respect. She is responsible for destroying your marriage but you - as a man - is solely responsible for removing yourself from the environment that causes you "constant crying ".

 

In other words: she destroyed your marriage - her fault, she destroyed you - your fault. Nothing really for debate IMHO.

 

 

 

 

 

You are a very logical person and I know that you are right. The problem is that I am so confused, emotional, and irrational. It is like logically I should obviously leave and speak to a lawyer. Emotionally I can't imagine my life without my family and my wife. Maybe I am holding on to an idea that is over anyway. I appreciate your candor Mrs. John Adams but I don't know what I am ready or prepared to do. I was stronger early on. I moved out for a month so we could both "clear our heads" to make a decision. I came back and told her that I did not trust her and needed a few more weeks to think. So then I told her I was moving back in but that we needed to plan on getting a divorce. She asked if I could give her a year to get her financial affairs in order and we could have an amicable divorce and could her and the kids stay in the house...so I said that is agreeable for now that we would talk later. So then she started saying she didn't really want a divorce and I agreed and we were doing well for a while by sort of burying our heads in the sand, of course, resentment, hurt, pain, anger, and depression creeped in on my end things started to blow up. Honestly, it may have gotten to that point but had my wife showed more affection and love during the healing I think it would have helped but she was and still is going through depression from the abortion she had to "save our marriage" and the guilt from the affair, according to her. I thought that I too was a logical person but it turns out that I am a big, soft, ball of emotions that can barely function. On a positive note, this is a great diet plan--I have managed to lose 30 lbs in 4 months.

[conpron5]

It's probably not my business but aren't you overcomplicating the situation? The way I read yours is:

- she cheated

- she's unwilling to move heaven and earth to win you back

- when you mentioned divorce her response in a nutshell was 'fine, but I need you to support me financially and give me a place to leave till I'm ready".

 

Tell me if I'm wrong but what's not clear in this picture? You see finances and everything else material can be easily solved with a certain physical and intellectual effort. Not so one's dignity and self respect. She is responsible for destroying your marriage but you - as a man - is solely responsible for removing yourself from the environment that causes you "constant crying ".

 

In other words: she destroyed your marriage - her fault, she destroyed you - your fault. Nothing really for debate IMHO.

 

 

Leave about moving the heaven and earth, she is not even doing the minimum..

 

Hubster, what can make you divorce this woman ? have sex with her lover in front of you ?

[oldshirt]

 

 

She is responsible for destroying your marriage but you - as a man - is solely responsible for removing yourself from the environment that causes you "constant crying ".

 

In other words: she destroyed your marriage - her fault, she destroyed you - your fault. Nothing really for debate IMHO.

 

 

 

This ^^^^

 

 

She is responsible for the pain and torment she has put you through for the past several months.

 

 

You are responsible for yourself in the future.

[road]

I became obsessed I began finding more details because she wasn't as good at hiding her tracks as she could have been. By the time I caught her, she had already told his wife because she broke it off but he wouldn't stop contacting her etc.

 

 

WW lie. You have no proof that WW old the OMW. You need to go see the OMW and ask her if your WW told her.

 

 

At this point you can not count on the OMW being told and the OMW deserves to know the truth. Time is now for you to confirm this fact.

[road]

Honestly, it may have gotten to that point but had my wife showed more affection and love during the healing I think it would have helped but she was and still is going through depression from the abortion she had to "save our marriage" and the guilt from the affair, according to her.

 

 

You are telling us things in dribs and drabs. Sort of trickle truthing us. You are making us guess what happened. We can guess wrong.

 

 

I guess your WW got pregnant by the OM.

I guess that there was a chance that the child could of been yours.

 

 

So what are the facts?

[hubster]

Cheaters lie, hide and deceive. She told OM wife???? How do you know?? That's a normal ploy. Oh she knows to keep you from exposing. How do you know they aren't still involved????

 

Marc, I know they lie and she has plenty but I actully spoke to the OM. I texted him and he texted me back, so I know that she told his wife. He said he hadn't spoken to my wife in a year--texts that I saw seem to back that up. Obviously this doesn't seem to matter much. It looks like the overwhelming consensus is that I am an idiot for staying and that if I have any dignity and self respect left that I need to leave. I really do get that and understand that--maybe I don't have any of those things left. Deep down I have made up my mind to leave but I just can't do that to the kids right before the holidays. I want them to at least enjoy one last christmas without knowing there are big problems coming. I am not the pope but maybe I am too nice for my own damn good. EVERYONE--I appreciate all of your advice and help and believe it or not, I have told people in my position the exact same things but now that I am in this spot, it seems much harder to take action. As I have said before, I AM A MESS! This is therapeutic though in many ways to just be able to vent and discuss these things. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it hurts more.

[road]

Hurthusband, I can already relate to those things. When I drive by the park that they used to meet and have sex at (which floors me because my wife is so "responsible" and always has been to risk getting caught at a park or arrested is just beyond me...like a teenager) and then every single time she even looks at her phone or opens her Ipad, I cringe and wonder if she is talking to someone she shouldn't be. I hate the sound of a new text coming in.

 

 

Triggering is unavoidable at the beginning. There are many things that will cause you to trigger. Many infidelity professionals tell the BS's that it is best to move far away from where the affair took place for many reasons.

 

 

Not seeing the places where the affair took place, knowing that the WS will live too far away for the AP to try and restart the affair again also helps to insure that NC will be 100%.

[road]

She confessed when I found out about the affair. The affair had ended beforr she found out about the pregnancy.

 

 

 

 

How did you find out?

 

 

When did the affair end?

 

 

How did WW meet the OM?

 

 

How do you there is NC between the OM and WW?

[road]

an abortion that she says she only had to "save the marriage because she loves me." I mean that is a tough decision and one that know one would make lightly and she is depressed and although she did me horribly, she is also dealing with my pressure to repair my hurt.

 

 

When did you know about the abortion, before or after you learned about the affair?

 

 

Did WW include you in the decision to abort?

 

 

Your WW can be in a situation where she has too much to mourn. The loss of the OM, loss of her baby, damaging her marriage. This can have her mind too overloaded to work through recovery at this point. She may need some time to take up more of the recovery work load.

[road]

Marc, I know they lie and she has plenty but I actully spoke to the OM. I texted him and he texted me back, so I know that she told his wife. He said he hadn't spoken to my wife in a year--texts that I saw seem to back that up. Obviously this doesn't seem to matter much. It looks like the overwhelming consensus is that I am an idiot for staying and that if I have any dignity and self respect left that I need to leave. I really do get that and understand that--maybe I don't have any of those things left. Deep down I have made up my mind to leave but I just can't do that to the kids right before the holidays. I want them to at least enjoy one last christmas without knowing there are big problems coming. I am not the pope but maybe I am too nice for my own damn good. EVERYONE--I appreciate all of your advice and help and believe it or not, I have told people in my position the exact same things but now that I am in this spot, it seems much harder to take action. As I have said before, I AM A MESS! This is therapeutic though in many ways to just be able to vent and discuss these things. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it hurts more.

 

 

 

 

You can not believe the OM. Just because he says his BW was told does not mean that she was. You need to expose the affair to the OMW yourself.

 

 

You seem to be stalling on recovery. What have you done to recover?

 

 

Have you considered moving far away from the OM?

 

 

Have you been doing anything to get the trust restored?

Have you told your WW that you need her to repair the trust that she broke?

Are you able to check that NC is in place?

Is WW an open book? Has she given you access to all of her emails, phone, texts, all pass words?

Without telling WW, have you installed a key logger on the PC,

have you hid a real time GPS and VAR in WW car, hid a VAR in the house?

Have you calmly told WW that you need the whole truth about the affair?

 

 

Do that and tell her that you will not attack her with the information, but you can not rest to you know the answers to all of your questions. Without the whole truth you will never be able to leave the affair in the past.

[aliveagain]

Bryan, you are correct in many ways but--we actually went a year and a half without having sexy during the affair. This was a problem to me but my wife had never been that "sexual" so to speak from the beginning, of course she was very sexual with the other man. So many things just baffle me..or I am a complete friggin idiot or both....I know everyone, pile on; I deserve it for being a fool.

 

You went a year and a half without sex, she was getting lots of sex. You weren't getting sex because she didn't want to cheat on her other man. The worst thing you can do is nothing and that is pretty much what your doing. You need to come out of your fog because one of two things are going to happen, she will find a replacement for you in the year your giving her to do so or she will accidently become pregnant with your child and you will stay because it's the right thing to do. In both scenario's she will be the same woman with the same issues that led her to cheat on you because she isn't doing anything to fix the problem. Is this what your willing to settle for, is this the best you can do? Talk to a lawyer, protect yourself, protect your children. Staying with her does neither of these things.

[merrmeade]

I know there are bigger tragedies in the world but it doesn't feel like it to me at this moment in time.

Really? Our first MC therapist said it's second only to the loss of a child.

... she says she doesn't want to talk about the affair because it makes her depressed and ashamed all over again so this makes it difficult to work through things. I have been going to lots of counseling by myself.

This is not unusual. My husband has this problem as well, but he's a case unto himself. If you can possibly persuade her that it's important to you — using those words and not "I need for you to do this ... " (got this from my therapist as well) — she'll be more receptive. It's worth trying until you're convinced that — even if you did go to MC — it is not enough for what you need.

[qubist]

Marc, I know they lie and she has plenty but I actully spoke to the OM. I texted him and he texted me back, so I know that she told his wife. He said he hadn't spoken to my wife in a year--texts that I saw seem to back that up. Obviously this doesn't seem to matter much. It looks like the overwhelming consensus is that I am an idiot for staying and that if I have any dignity and self respect left that I need to leave. I really do get that and understand that--maybe I don't have any of those things left. Deep down I have made up my mind to leave but I just can't do that to the kids right before the holidays. I want them to at least enjoy one last christmas without knowing there are big problems coming. I am not the pope but maybe I am too nice for my own damn good. EVERYONE--I appreciate all of your advice and help and believe it or not, I have told people in my position the exact same things but now that I am in this spot, it seems much harder to take action. As I have said before, I AM A MESS! This is therapeutic though in many ways to just be able to vent and discuss these things. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it hurts more.

 

Hubster: you are not an idiot for staying, actually you are a good man but you are doing wrong and it will not work, you psyche yourself in finding reason not to put your foot down, you are wasting time and huge effort that would just make thing worse, let tell you an advice, unless you are a unique different human being you are going to put your foot on her if you really want to reconcile. if you decided to leave nobody can blame you but you want to stay but you are doing it wrong trust me this forum is full with stories like yours. stop being weak and demand her to put the effort

[Horton]

Marc, I know they lie and she has plenty but I actully spoke to the OM. I texted him and he texted me back, so I know that she told his wife. He said he hadn't spoken to my wife in a year--texts that I saw seem to back that up.

 

Not to be a debbie downer, but isn't it possible that the OM lied to you about his wife's knowledge of the affair? Oftentimes the adulterer and their AP will construct a story together as a way of protecting themselves from any further fallout. Unless you've talked to his wife directly then I don't see how you can be certain that she knows.