Little One Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 Hey everyone. So this is my first post here... I am pregnant and my ex has completely abandoned me. This is after him wanting to be together in the future 3 weeks earlier (last time I saw him in person.) We broke up less than a month ago. We were together for 7 months, and friends/FWB off and on for 5 years with long periods of not speaking in there. Dated once before in 2010. I am in so much pain that he has done a 180 and is now really cold to me. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me even before he found out I was pregnant. But he was acting loving toward me a few days before he found out. His Grandpa recently passed (less than 2 weeks ago) and I thought that was why. Then someone he knew found out through my FB (I thought I blocked his friends but something went wrong.) and he sent me a nasty e-mail asking why I was ruining his life and reputation. This was a day after I sent him an e-mail to see if he was doing okay because of his loss. I told him tonight it really hurt that he hadn't really been talking to me since he found out I was pregnant and didn't seem to care how I was. Here are some snippets of the e-mails: me: i just wanted to say it really hurts the way you've been treating me since you found out I was pregnant... Especially since you know im pregnant with your child... him: Don't know what you want from me. We're not together. I'm not interested in really talking to you outside of whatever needs to be said about this situation. Aside from that, I have nothing to say. me: Exactly. This is how you treat the mother of your child. him: A person I clearly do not get along with, yes. me: It doesn't have anything to do with us being together. It's about treating me like a human being when you know I'm pregnant. You have pretty much completely abandoned me. him: Yep... you really don't know anything about me. That's about what I'd expect from you. I'm not surprised. me: I know what you're showing me right now. You're treating me like this when I'm carrying your child. Something you had a 50% hand in. You may be good to others but you are not good to me. him: I thought I wanted you to be in my life to some extent but my thought on that has changed, even before all of this. I am not interested in arguing with someone who is so completely and utterly different than myself, especially when it's to such an extreme as you have shown me. I do not care for that kind of stress anymore. Especially now. So no, I really have no interest in anything that revolves around you outside of this situation. I'm sorry that I couldn't be more because at one point, I wanted to be there for you, but after everything that's happened, the more I think about your anger and the problems you can't control, the more I realize it's too much for me, especially when I have enough stress due to other circumstances. (The problems being lack of motivation to do anything causing me to remain stagnant in life. I kept trying and failing to fix the problems. He'd try to give me advice but I still failed. It frustrated him because he's a go-getter and doesn't have those kinds of problems, and wanted someone that was more achieving like himself. Also as a result I was very unhappy with life a lot of the time which put stress on him. Also depression/anxiety issues.) Any way I don't know if anyone read all that but how do I get over this? I have never been in this much pain in my life. And the thing is even though he's said all that I still want him back in the future. As much as I tell myself that I should never want someone back that would treat me like this. It still hurts so much that we didn't work out, and I miss our happy times together so much. There is a part of me that feels I'm better off without him. But then I think, he has so many close friends that love him. He studied psychology and wants to be a counselor, and works with people with mental illness. He's raised so much for charity, and is generally kind and caring. So there must be something wrong with me that he hates me so much. That's why I post the conversation because maybe it was something I said. We argued all the time in our relationship, but I guess I don't understand if it's that why did he insist I shouldn't give up hope for us being together in the future. When I told him I didn't have that hope he'd get upset with me! Now that's all changed in 2 weeks! I just don't understand why he is generally kind-hearted and sweet to others but treats me so poorly. He hasn't really had long-term relationships so maybe I'm not the only one. But I never thought he would act this way. The last time I saw him wasn't even that long ago; it was 2-3 weeks ago. I miss him so much still. I've never seen this side of him. Is there any way to get past this pain and stop thinking about him so much? I blame myself for how he feels and feel like if I had been a better girlfriend he'd be by my side right now. I cry about it so much.
Stage5Clinger Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 Is there any way to get past this pain and stop thinking about him so much? I blame myself for how he feels and feel like if I had been a better girlfriend he'd be by my side right now. I cry about it so much. It's not your fault you suffer from anxiety. It's debilitating. Anyone who has experienced it knows that. This guy sounds like a real prize. You should just stop and worry about his role in your life after you give birth. For now you should focus on reducing stress and taking very good care of yourself so that your child comes out as healthy as possible.
minimariah Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 But then I think, he has so many close friends that love him. He studied psychology and wants to be a counselor, and works with people with mental illness. He's raised so much for charity, and is generally kind and caring. all of this means nothing. it isn't some kind of undeniable proof that he is this fantastic person and that YOU'RE the problem. just for the record, this description above fits Ted Bundy (for example) and we know how that went. cut him off, sweets. get yourself a lawyer and work everything connected to the child through him. it's truly the only way. do not try to analyze him or his actions, who knows what's going on in his head. you're not him so there is no way for you to figure it out. so get a lawyer, look to your friends and family for support and start preparing for the child & being a mother. good luck.
Poppyolive Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 I don't know what went wrong in your relationship, I don't know his side of the story. But, I do know he has made it clear he doesn't want to be with you, outside of him being a father. You can't really ask for much more than what he is offering. You need to stop contacting him, for now. Then in time you can both discuss your roles in your child's life. I'm sorry you're hurting, and have had so much pain in your life. Perhaps now I'd the time to work through that, with some guidance and help.you need to focus on your own life and the health of your baby. You can't make someone want you, no calling, texting, pleading will get you there. He has been pretty clear. Surround yourself with love. 1
dumbass2 Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 So I assume you two were both on the same page at the time with starting a family? 1
newmoon Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 he'll probably come back around if you force it. your pattern suggests breaking up and getting back together for short periods, and then doing it all again. on and off since 2010, and then fwb, and dating, etc. doesn't sound like the healthiest pattern for yourself, but it looks like you'll be fine. you can't really expect someone to just be with you because you're pregnant though, the dating pattern suggests he wasn't really into you as a true romantic partner.
Author Little One Posted October 17, 2015 Author Posted October 17, 2015 I don't want him to be with me... I just want him to call and see how I'm doing and act like he cares about me. And no the baby was an accident; he wanted me to get an abortion but I'm against that... but we talked several times about our views on abortion and he knew I would never get one even before all this happened.
RecentChange Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 (edited) And this is why I have a "serious talk" with anyone I have sex with - before I have sex with them. As someone who does not want children -I let him know I will NOT be having a child should birth control fail etc (knock on wood it hasn't happened, but I want him on board with my choices, takes two after all). Sounds like you two should have has a "what if birth control fails" talk before boning - as it seems you two are not on the same page. Don't know what to tell you OP. You can't force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. The courts can force child support though He was a fool to sleep with you knowing that you had a difference of opinion. But you can't force him to care about you. (Sorry I had a straight nightmare that I got pregnant this week). I feel for him, I feel for you. It's a ****ty situation for both of you. Edited October 17, 2015 by RecentChange
ExpatInItaly Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 I don't want him to be with me... I just want him to call and see how I'm doing and act like he cares about me. And no the baby was an accident; he wanted me to get an abortion but I'm against that... but we talked several times about our views on abortion and he knew I would never get one even before all this happened. Understandable, but you cannot focus on that right now. He's not going to be doing so any time soon. Reminding him repeatedly that you're pregnant isn't going to change that, unfortunately. Don't contact him apart from issues relating to the baby. You'll only create more stress for yourself and in turn your baby. You need to muster up all your energy and put that into you and the little one, and making sure you stay physically and emotionally healthy. Consult a lawyer and find out what the baby's rights are.
Author Little One Posted October 17, 2015 Author Posted October 17, 2015 Yeah - I've decided not to contact him anymore unless he contacts me first. I was keeping his info around because I thought if I had a miscarriage he'd want to be there - but I see now I'm wrong about that. It's still really painful. I still can't stop thinking about it. But I'm going to try my best to distract myself. I regret how much stress I let him put me in already. I should have stopped speaking to him when he didn't talk to me for days after finding out I was pregnant. But I didn't want to abandon him when his Grandpa had just passed away. I assumed that since I'd told him numerous times I wasn't okay with having an abortion that he intended to remain in it's/my life if I ever did get pregnant. Not in a romantic situation but we were still friends and talking regularly not too long ago. Before all this the situation was reversed and I didn't want him in my life anymore because of what happened the last time I saw him in person. But he told me his Grandpa was dying several days later and I was there for him and tried to comfort him as much as possible. I know they aren't the same situation. And I wouldn't change being there for him. But it hurts that he doesn't even care how I'm doing. But, I'm done with him.
baffin Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 wow! what a situation you find yourself in. it's so hard when we expect someone to act a certain way and then they don't - then we start the blame game - it it's not the other person's fault, then it must be mine. Sometime situations are no ones fault. But as you posted; as a pregnant woman you find yourself having to make lots of decisions by yourself. I'm glad abortion isn't an option for you. There are other options though. In our town we have a Pregnancy Help Center, which helps women deal with unexpected pregnancies. Re. your anxiety issues is there someone you trust that you can talk to? A nurse friend or pastor?
Clarence_Boddicker Posted October 19, 2015 Posted October 19, 2015 How old are you two? How many kids do both of you have in total?
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