JBird2001 Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 I'm hoping to get some outside perspective on my situation. I have lived with my girlfriend for 7 years, with her two teenage kids. They are now in their early 20s and still living at home. For the most part it was a peaceful co-existence, but we never did “family” things together. We rarely sat down together at the dinner table, or do things together much. The kids would just do their own thing with their cousins and friends. Throughout this time, my girlfriend has been a suspicious-minded, untrusting control freak. She repeatedly would suggest I was cheating if, for example, I had a female friend on Facebook who responded to a post. Later I found out she would send friend requests to those people! Not only that; if there is any change to a routine, such as leaving to work early or coming home early or late, she will find it suspicious and will bring it up. I could never relax in my own home. I could never go into a room to read or just spend some alone time, which I need, without her coming in and “checking up” on me, wondering what I’m up to. If we’re watching TV together and I get up and leave, she will give me an attitude for “leaving her”. She has the reasoning capacities of a child and arguments are never resolved. We don’t have any mutual friends; hers are all from her own ethnic group, while mine are from a more diverse cultural standpoint, friends I met from former and current jobs, from my running and cycling activities, etc. Almost two years ago an anonymous caller tipped me off that she was cheating on me. I didn’t believe it at first but he seemed to know things about her that were too true to ignore. Sure enough, I followed her to her gym, where he was parked and she got into his car. I stopped her before anything could happen, but I suspect that something happened already while I was out of town just a couple of weeks prior to this incident. She had some BS excuse that he was new and they were going to Starbucks, down the street, and why was she parking at the gym and getting into his car? More BS excuses, but I suspect so she could use the gym to shower off when they were done. Long story short, I ended up staying with her, but the incident festered and I ended up leaving and staying with my sister for a couple of months, then I eventually moved back home I always give her the benefit of the doubt when she accused me of wrongdoing. Because she lied to my face about her affair, even after she was caught. She must have concocted that cover story if I ever found out. But she looked me in the eye and lied. I never go there with her, because it’s pointless. She will lie, get overly defensive and blame-shift right back at me. Despite all this, home life has been reasonably comfortable since we both can watch TV and she watches her novellas on her iPad, so I think has been the only thing that kept me there. The deal-breaker happened though, when her daughter got pregnant while she was away her freshman year at college. She ended up coming back home after the school year ended and had the baby. Her boyfriend, and the baby’s father, came to stay with us, at her invitation and without my consent. I’m sure it made her happy and I didn’t make a big deal out of it, but he never contributed anything of value and was getting a free ride. We moved to another house soon after the baby was born and I told him he needed to start paying rent. He left a couple of days later, went back home to his mother. The daughter made excuses for him leaving, but I saw it for what it was. He expected the free ride to continue, and didn’t want the responsibility of raising his daughter; he’s a 23-yr old man living with his mother. No college education, no plans on getting one. Despite all that, the daughter moved back up to the college town and in with her boyfriend at their request, so she could work, and go back to school, and they could raise their daughter together. That lasted all of 4 months. Apparently the boyfriend failed to provide a safe and stable home environment for her and his baby daughter, but there were alternatives that could’ve made it work out, in my opinion. The daughter made some excuses about why she gave up, quit her job, and dropped out of college, but I think she just missed because she sees all her cousins having fun on Facebook and missed out. Understandable, but who gives up a college education just to “hang out” with your uneducated cousins? During this time that she was living with her bf, we had moved again, out of a 3-br house to a smaller 2-br apartment because it was more affordable and manageable. Since she changed her mind and gave up college and came crying back home to mommy, things have been tense in our now-cramped apartment. Especially now that her irresponsible daughter expects us to raise her infant daughter, with no visible support from the father. Gone are the relaxing evenings from my hard, stressful job to her screaming baby. I cannot stand her complaining daughter anymore, although I would never admit it to my girlfriend. I have supported her kids over these last 7 years and gave them cars to drive, but I could never call them out for being irresponsible and unappreciative or I would get it from her with both barrels, she accusing me of “hating” her kids, among other nasty accusations. I’ve never felt more like an outsider in my own home. I have thought long and hard on this. There is no drug abuse, physical abuse, nothing that extreme that from an outside perspective looks like a clear-cut case of getting out of there. It’s just those many individual things, over time, that brought me to this point. There is never any improvement from my girlfriend’s attitude. She doesn’t learn from the experiences, or grow from them. It always comes back to the beginning, a continuous cycle of mistrust and childish accusations. I just seem some clear perspective, that my leaving will be a good thing for me, and I’m not being selfish and I’m not “abandoning” them. At this point I would do almost anything to feel happy again. It’s been too long.
Meli22 Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 You're basically making excuses to stay. "There's no physical abuse" who cares? This girl had an affair and you took her back. You're not happy with the home life. And she is untrusting and controlling (because she knows what she's capable of herself). It doesn't matter if any reason comes across as small (although these aren't small), if you're unhappy then leave, simple as.
ExpatInItaly Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 I imagine the advice given here will be the same as your previous thread. It appears nothing has changed and I don't think anyone here would suggest you continue this relationship. It's basically already over, but neither of you had had the guts to formally end it. I'm not sure what type of feedback you're searching for, as I suspect posters here will simply agree that you have indeed reached the breaking point and you need to walk away.
GrandRail Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 (edited) I completely agree with Meli22. Why are you still there? What does a lack of abuse have to do with anything when you still have a cheating partner and an unfulfilling relationship on your hands? It's about time for this relationship to end. At the very least, if you're dead-set against leaving this person behind, I would still break up and see what your girlfriend is willing to do to improve herself and fix her home situation in the long term(the next few months/years) in order to deserve you and what you have been offering her again. She and her family need some serious time to grow and improve before they're worth taking priority in your life. Personally, though, you're probably better off moving on. Why wait for something that might not change? Edited October 17, 2015 by GrandRail
Recommended Posts