Am I comparing her to my ex? Is that fair?

[someguy03]

I'm 25. Two years ago, I got out of a pretty toxic 2-year relationship with a girl who was still in school (I have a great job and I am pretty happy/excited with my life). She didn't have a strong identity or sense of direction for her life, and she would randomly get very depressed and lash out at me. She did have a job as a waitress, but she changed her mind about her future every 2 months. It was hell for her, and me.

 

Fast forward to a month ago, I completely fall for a girl and we start dating. She is 24, back in school (although, about to go to a university), also a waitress, and she is unsure what she wants to do for a career. We only dated for a month, but I could see a sense of being lost, similar to my ex... "Life's fine. School's boring". Nothing to be excited or passionate about.

 

I freaked out. Part of me was completely infatuated with her, the other part said "you are going to date your ex all over again and go through hell". I was afraid she was dating me for my success and happiness, which was what my ex was doing. As a result, I was afraid/skeptical and couldn't commit myself to her completely. She's now dating someone else who had no hesitations about her.

 

Was it wrong for me to make assumptions about her based on her lack of career, and compare her to my ex? Part of me thinks I am being wise, another part of me thinks I am just having PTSD. My friend said "if she's on a path, you can't judge her just because she isn't there yet". I keep thinking about her and thinking I made a mistake. So frustrating.

Edited October 16, 2015 by someguy03

[louxor]

I'm 25. Two years ago, I got out of a pretty toxic 2-year relationship with a girl who was still in school (I have a great job and I am pretty happy/excited with my life). She didn't have a strong identity or sense of direction for her life, and she would randomly get very depressed and lash out at me. She did have a job as a waitress, but she changed her mind about her future every 2 months. It was hell for her, and me.

 

Fast forward to a month ago, I completely fall for a girl and we start dating. She is 24, back in school (although, about to go to a university), also a waitress, and she is unsure what she wants to do for a career. We only dated for a month, but I could see a sense of being lost, similar to my ex... "Life's fine. School's boring". Nothing to be excited or passionate about.

 

I freaked out. Part of me was completely infatuated with her, the other part said "you are going to date your ex all over again and go through hell". I was afraid she was dating me for my success and happiness, which was what my ex was doing. As a result, I was afraid/skeptical and couldn't commit myself to her completely. She's now dating someone else who had no hesitations about her.

 

Was it wrong for me to make assumptions about her based on her lack of career, and compare her to my ex? Part of me thinks I am being wise, another part of me thinks I am just having PTSD. My friend said "if she's on a path, you can't judge her just because she isn't there yet". I keep thinking about her and thinking I made a mistake. So frustrating.

 

It's not wrong to compare in this situation - she's showing similar signs in her life that your ex showed, and you ex is your ex for a reason. Every person we date we learn more about what we want and what we don't, so in this case, your past relationship has allowed you to see that you don't want to be with someone who has no real direction in life.

 

So if you feel like this new relationship is heading down the same road as your previous one, talk to her about it. She'll either understand or she won't. It's always easier to have that kind of conversation near the beginning of a relationship than after you've invested several months or years into someone.