mrwigand Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 It's been 9 or so months since I and my ex-gf (diagnosed borderline personality disorder) broke up, though only a few months since I've actually been able to stop communicating with her fully (we had to maintain communication so she could pay me back some money... UPDATE: I've been fully paid back and haven't had communication with her since). I was speaking to my therapist the other day about how even so many months after the fact, I have a difficult time forgiving my ex for certain things. Not in a way where I'm actively bitter. My ex and I had a very emotional conversation a few months ago (which was started because she was being very evasive about paying me back), but it culminated with her apologizing for some things, which I sincerely appreciated (I apologized for things I didn't handle well also). She's apologized and I truly thank her for that, but I still haven't forgiven and forgotten. I have no desire to confront her about anything, on the contrary after that conversation our communication was very positive and we're on good terms. But still... I feel how I feel. I had a very painful relationship with my ex, one in which I felt I was triangulated with her unstable, abusive ex-boyfriend. Being caught in a triangle and feeling like you were in competition for the affections of your partner (especially with someone who was very toxic) was one of the most confusing and painful things I've experienced. It felt like my value was being diminished. When I think about it and the decisions she made that contributed to it, I'm just not sure I'm ready to quite forgive it, even if it wasn't done consciously. And I don't even mean this to sound angry or accusatory. I think she's done her part in trying to make amends, and I truly appreciate that. But I still have very painful feelings regarding all of that, and though I've "forgiven" her, I still can't forget. And I'm not sure I ever will. I know people make mistakes, and I wish her the best, but perhaps it's something I'll never really be comfortable with? Is that normal? Should there be a time when I've forgiven her to the point where I'm cool with everything?
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Should there be a time when I've forgiven her to the point where I'm cool with everything? Cool with everything, maybe not. You don't have to be OK with being wronged. However, there should come a time when it stops eating away at you. A former friend wronged me earlier this year & I was a wreck. It effected my sleep. I really was beside myself. After a while I made peace with the end of our 40 year friendship. Do I forgive her? Not really. Does it matter any more? Nope. My life is better without her in it. I doubt she can say the same. Do I care? Nope. Apathy is actually what you seek. Happy hunting.
wlh22 Posted October 17, 2015 Posted October 17, 2015 I agree. There will come a time, and trust me it will, where it doesn't matter. You will have good memories. You may not like how she ended things and may carry some amount of anger (think about it, there are people out there whose spouses cheat).. but in the end, you want to get to that state of apathy. and you will. Meanwhile, if it helps you can "forgive her" for your own health and sakes. But I am certainly failing at that in my own life. [\QUOTE=d0nnivain;6599055]Cool with everything, maybe not. You don't have to be OK with being wronged. However, there should come a time when it stops eating away at you. A former friend wronged me earlier this year & I was a wreck. It effected my sleep. I really was beside myself. After a while I made peace with the end of our 40 year friendship. Do I forgive her? Not really. Does it matter any more? Nope. My life is better without her in it. I doubt she can say the same. Do I care? Nope. Apathy is actually what you seek. Happy hunting.
dyna85 Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 Forgiveness, like acceptance, takes time, and a long time when your heart is bruised and battered. You will get there in due time, when the time is right for you. Don't beat yourself up for not being there yet. 1
BC1980 Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 It's not a question of right or wrong. You don't have to forgive anyone. It's your choice. It took me a year to even consider forgiveness, and I really had no idea what it meant to forgive my ex. I read some stuff about forgiveness that made sense, and I was eventually able to forgive. Basically, forgiveness means you no longer expect justice or feel you are owed anything by your ex. You accept that there will be no repayment because this is not a monetary debt. You free your ex and are, in turn, free to move on. It's a personal choice that comes with apathy. I won't lie and tell you it's easy though. Because it's hard to accept that a person can wrong you and walk away scott free. They can feel little remorse and move on. I think forgivesness is the last step, and you can't force it.
Grumpybutfun Posted October 18, 2015 Posted October 18, 2015 “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Buddha Forgiveness is given so you can let go of the past and accept finality of the relationship. It isn't for her...it is for you. G
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