hopeless-lover Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 I have been with my girlfriend for a few months now and over this period she has talked about past boyfriends. I have pressed into it a little because I was curious even though I know I shouldn't have. She is only 22 and between the time of meeting me she told me she had slept with over 20 other men and at least 5 or more being interracial, multiple times. Only a few were boyfriends or dating, the majority were hook-ups or friends with benefits. I feel like it wouldn't bother me so much if it was over a longer period of time but most of these encounters happened during college which she only went to from 20-21 years old. I don't know why it bothers me so much because I really love her a lot and I know some people may say its to soon to know that but she is like my best friend and we do everything together. I don't want to lose her to my insecurities because I am older then her by a couple years and have only slept with one other girl besides her. When I with her and something happens the reminds me of her past I have a hard time getting the thoughts out of my head of envisioning these other men with her. I have talked to her about it and she apologized to me about her past and how she told me she wished it didn't happen. Which upset me more because I know she was just trying to comfort me but I told her not to apologize to me for it. Its her life to live how she wants I wasn't in the picture. I basically told her how I felt about it though, it confuses my brain as I try to rationalize all those partners, it feels like someone is stabbing my heart with an icepick, and my stomach feels like a bunch of angry butterflies. I'm looking for any advice to get passed my insecurity because I want to be with her. I find it hard to commit to her more emotionally because I'm worried about her comparing me to those other guys and being inadequate by physical appearance or sexually. I could potentially have an STD from her because she said she has had the test but it came up negative, I saw she had a herpes sore on her lip but says she has had it since her childhood It also worries me because I feel like that many sexual encounters might be an indication she might cheat on me. Which I'm worried could rip me apart since my only other partner cheated on me with a friend of mine. I'm sorry if my post is long but I need some feedback to try and move past this, thank you!
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 If you were having safe sex, using condoms, it's unlikely that you contracted a disease from her but you should get your medical concerns addressed immediately. Go to your doctor & get a full screen done. Going forward never have unprotected sex with a new partner for at least 6 months. You get the tests done & exchange clean bills of heath before intimacy. You then have protected sex for 6 months, the latency period for many conditions, & redo the tests. If you are both negative & exclusive at that point you discuss BC methods other than condoms if you both don't like them. As for getting her past out of your head, you can't. You can either accept it or you can break up with her. A third option includes building a time machine but that is unlikely. Try to remember that her past experiences made her the woman she is, the one you like. If any of that changed she might not be in this place at this time with you. 3
oldshirt Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 This is your issue and your cross to bear. She really has nothing to apologize for and owes you no apology for things she did on her own time before you met. Counseling may help you deal with your own insecurities and to help control your behavior so you don't do or say something dumb and ruin everything. But as far as reconciling your disgust and distress over her past, I'm not sure there is a fix for that. While there probably isn't much correlation between promiscuity and cheating while in an exclusive relationship, this does highlight that you two have different values and mores regarding sexuality. I'm not sure there really is a fix for that. You would likely be happier and have a healthier relationship with some that shares your values and mores regarding the role of sexuality in your lives and in a relationship. And she would probably be better off with someone who doesn't view her loose and discredited and who doesn't have so much judgement about her sexuality. 4
MrNate 2.0 Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 I'll be on standby. No disrespect, but I see these kind of posts blow up into 20+ pages while the thread starter disappears. 5
Author hopeless-lover Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 If you were having safe sex, using condoms, it's unlikely that you contracted a disease from her but you should get your medical concerns addressed immediately. Go to your doctor & get a full screen done. Going forward never have unprotected sex with a new partner for at least 6 months. You get the tests done & exchange clean bills of heath before intimacy. You then have protected sex for 6 months, the latency period for many conditions, & redo the tests. If you are both negative & exclusive at that point you discuss BC methods other than condoms if you both don't like them. As for getting her past out of your head, you can't. You can either accept it or you can break up with her. A third option includes building a time machine but that is unlikely. Try to remember that her past experiences made her the woman she is, the one you like. If any of that changed she might not be in this place at this time with you. She told me she had no STDs we did us protection but it wasn't till after two months I saw the herpes sore on her lip so I was worried I potentially have oral herpes now. I asked her if she would get and STD test but she doesn't want to again and I no longer have insurance to be able to get my self tested. But I would assume I don't have one because I never had unprotected sex.
d0nnivain Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 You can get free STD tests in a variety of places. Go to a Planned Parenthood office. 3
Author hopeless-lover Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 This is your issue and your cross to bear. She really has nothing to apologize for and owes you no apology for things she did on her own time before you met. Counseling may help you deal with your own insecurities and to help control your behavior so you don't do or say something dumb and ruin everything. But as far as reconciling your disgust and distress over her past, I'm not sure there is a fix for that. While there probably isn't much correlation between promiscuity and cheating while in an exclusive relationship, this does highlight that you two have different values and mores regarding sexuality. I'm not sure there really is a fix for that. You would likely be happier and have a healthier relationship with some that shares your values and mores regarding the role of sexuality in your lives and in a relationship. And she would probably be better off with someone who doesn't view her loose and discredited and who doesn't have so much judgement about her sexuality. Thanks for the feedback and I agree that she owes me no apology. I don't know if I would say im disgusted but yes im distressed. I really like her a lot and we seems to have a lot of the same values and morels but she told me she was going through a dark and depressing time in her life when this happened. she was cheated on and her boyfriend made it a difficult time in her life so she choose rebound sex with a lot of people. I would have probably done the same but after I got cheated on I retreated rather then rebound with other women even though I tried. I had no luck because my confidence was destroyed and took me a couple years to recover.
oldshirt Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 I really like her a lot and we seems to have a lot of the same values and morels but she told me she was going through a dark and depressing time in her life when this happened. she was cheated on and her boyfriend made it a difficult time in her life so she choose rebound sex with a lot of people. I would have an issue with this actually. This demonstrates maladaptive coping mechanisms and poor judgement and irresponsibility under times of stress. I would actually be more ok if she was simply a horny gal and a bit of a free spirit that has a relaxed attitude and beliefs towards sexuality. Can you guarantee that your relationship is going to be blue skies and calm seas forever??? If her coping mechanism is to screw dozens of guys when she is unhappy with her relationship, is she a good risk as a relationship partner? Now I know you are going to rebut with, "but I won't cheat..." ok but if she screws 2 dozen guys for being cheated on, how many will she screw if she feels she isn't getting enough attention? 2? 3? 4? How many will she screw if you have a fight over her wanting to party with her slutty girlfriends? 5? 6? How many will she screw if your mom irritates her or makes her feel slighted? 7? 8? So the question here is how many guys is it ok for her to screw any time your relationship isn't sunny days with chirping birds and blooming flowers?
autumnnight Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Item 1: the fact that you felt the need to point out that some of these were interracial, and therefore somehow worse, says more about YOU than her. Item 2: You are a man who has only slept with 1 other woman. She has slept with many men. Most likely, you will not be able to handle this. That doesn't make you bad, but you need to get honest. The best thing for both of you would be to break up. You don't want to be married 10 years and then come back and post about how you "just can't see her as a good person." 4
Author hopeless-lover Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 I would have an issue with this actually. This demonstrates maladaptive coping mechanisms and poor judgement and irresponsibility under times of stress. I would actually be more ok if she was simply a horny gal and a bit of a free spirit that has a relaxed attitude and beliefs towards sexuality. Can you guarantee that your relationship is going to be blue skies and calm seas forever??? If her coping mechanism is to screw dozens of guys when she is unhappy with her relationship, is she a good risk as a relationship partner? Now I know you are going to rebut with, "but I won't cheat..." ok but if she screws 2 dozen guys for being cheated on, how many will she screw if she feels she isn't getting enough attention? 2? 3? 4? How many will she screw if you have a fight over her wanting to party with her slutty girlfriends? 5? 6? How many will she screw if your mom irritates her or makes her feel slighted? 7? 8? So the question here is how many guys is it ok for her to screw any time your relationship isn't sunny days with chirping birds and blooming flowers? Thank you for your insight you have a very good point. I forgot to mention that she didn't rebound with all those guys till after she was broken up with her boyfriend if that changes your thoughts? Also she told me she hasn't ever cheated on anyone because she has been cheated on and knows how much it hurts, but that could be a lie for all I know.
Gloria25 Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Uh, I was sorta leaning towards getting the time machine... But in the meantime, herpes sore on lip? Most people who have oral herpes have it cuz they contracted it by means other than sexual activity (i.e. a child getting a kiss from a grown-up). If you believe she has herpes, then have her get tested. She should understand that you are concerned about the risk and that the usual STD work up does not cover herpes unless the patient asks doctor to request the test be done. About her past? Remember, we are in a time where the sexual revolution and the women's movement tells women they can go out there and "get theirs" like a man. You'd need to have deep and honest convos with her as to what her motivation was in racking up such numbers. If she has a casual attitude about who she sleeps with - even after you have that deep convo with her, then time to move on, IMO. But seriously, sexual past or not, you are both in your 20's not the time to be dating so seriously. A person at 20 is not the same as 25, 28, even 30. Lots of maturing, changes in knowledge, life, etc. takes place. So, IMO, maybe you should walk away from this one cuz she's on a bad start already in life. Maybe one day in her late 20's maybe she'll look back with sad regret how she took something special and just gave it out like candy. 1
Author hopeless-lover Posted October 16, 2015 Author Posted October 16, 2015 Thanks Gloria for your response I turn 25 in about a month and she just turned 22. She tells me she regrets all the past guys.
oldshirt Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 I forgot to mention that she didn't rebound with all those guys till after she was broken up with her boyfriend if that changes your thoughts? Also she told me she hasn't ever cheated on anyone because she has been cheated on and knows how much it hurts, but that could be a lie for all I know. That doesn't change my thoughts at all. Has no bearing on it. My point was she coped with hurt feelings and relationship issues by screwing dozens of men. It doesn't matter that she said, " I break with thee. I break with thee. I break with thee." First. I'm not saying she was sneaking out and screwing people behind someone's back while in an exclusive relationship. That is a whole other issue. My concern here is all relationships have good times and bad times. Many long term relationships will even have a temporary break up or two mixed in at some point. Her coping mechanism with a relationship issue and hurt feelings and not feeling good about herself was to seek comfort underneath dozens of men. That is a dysfunctional and maladaptive coping strategy and for all we know was also irresponsible and reckless behavior. My concern here is not that she is going to sneak out behind your back and cheat on you when things are going well. My concern is that every relationship will have some bumps in the road from time to time and her response is to screw a bunch of men during those times of relationship stress. You are trying to relate this to cheating, but this is not a cheating issue. There's no reason to think she'll cheat behind your back while things are going well. The concern is at some point she is going to be upset with you or mad at you or she will be feeling neglected or not completely satisfied and which time she will be at great risk of seeking comfort with other dudes. She may not technically "cheat" per se. But if she gets mad at you for staying out late with your buddies while she wanted to go to a musical and so she "breaks up" with you for a night or a weekend and runs up to the bar and bangs a bunch of dudes, is that really any better? If she "breaks up" with you on a Thursday night because you've upset her, screws a handful of guys over the weekend and then turns back up on hour doorstep to get back together on Sunday evening, is that really any better than cheating??? Does the fact that she "broke up" with you before screwing half the neighborhood, make it any more palatable or acceptable? Does the fact she was technically broke up with that guy make her behavior any less maladaptive, irresponsible and reckless?
bachdude Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 I am going to say something positive here. I am impressed with her honesty with you and openness. I wonder how many lie about their past sexual experiences to their boyfriends and girlfriends. So that is a very positive trait she has and it shows she trusts you with this information. Someone who is open with you may be less likely to be willing to keep a deep dark secret from you, like cheating. Intimacy, or revealing your true self, even if the information is unsettling, builds trust because you can count on the other person to be straight with you. Her willingness to be transparent with you is a very positive trait indeed. 1
RoseWater Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Why was she only in college for 1 year? Did she use condoms with these 20 guys? You mention that 5 of the guys she's shagged were "interracial." Does this mean they weren't of the human race? 1
deadelvis Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 You can get over it. My GF's past was crazy, (prostitution etc.) and I got over it. I still feel twinges of pain when I think about certain things (telling me about other guys who were better in bed than me... that one is still hard to shake off... be sure you don't ask that question) but for the most part I got over it. It took me about 3 months to totally let it go. The time varies from person to person, the severity of her past, and how hard you work at getting over it. But if you love her you can get past it. I wrote out a set of exercises for men dealing with this stuff. I stole/borrowed them from various books and self help programs. I'll post the exercises for you.
RoseWater Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Item 1: the fact that you felt the need to point out that some of these were interracial, and therefore somehow worse, says more about YOU than her. Item 2: You are a man who has only slept with 1 other woman. She has slept with many men. Most likely, you will not be able to handle this. That doesn't make you bad, but you need to get honest. The best thing for both of you would be to break up. You don't want to be married 10 years and then come back and post about how you "just can't see her as a good person." I agree. Odd that he mentioned "race" 1
deadelvis Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 These exercises helped me a lot. I think it took me about 3 months of doing these exercises before I stopped feeling distressed about her past. Now it doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm still not exactly thrilled about some of the things she's done, but it doesn't haunt me anymore. Although I do notice that when our sex life goes in decline for whatever reason (herpes outbreak etc.) I feel insecure thoughts of her past rising up inside me. A constant and fulfilling sex life really helps take the sting out of retroactive jealousy. Here are the exercises. 1. Make a list of 5 unique and special moments you shared together that fill you with happiness every time you think of them. Keep the list in your pocket. When you start feeling insecure or jealous read over the list a few times. Try to really feel what you felt on those occasions. One of mine was the first night we slept in the same bed and she fell asleep with her head on my chest. 2. Write two letters you will never send. Write one letter to her, telling her everything you're feeling and how upset you are about everything that happened during the time before you were together. Feel free to list off every detail that you are obsessing over. This will be painful. You will feel angry while doing this. That's ok. Don't send the letter. Now write a reply letter from her to you, where she gives you a compassionate and detailed explanation of everything you mentioned in the previous letter. Her letter should be written in a way that puts your heart at ease regarding everything that happened in the past. Be sure the letter specifically addresses each of the topics mentioned in the previous letter. This letter should provide a compassionate explanations of everything that happened and be written in a way that soothes your concerns. This letter is sort of designed to debunk everything you're upset about from her past. Now burn the first letter and read the second letter every night before bed or every morning when you wake up. I actually made an audio recording on my phone of myself reading the second letter aloud and I listened to the recording whenever I was having a bout of retroactive jealousy. 3. Make a mental list of all the most enjoyable sexual encounters you had during the years of your life before her. Now spend some time thinking about how those experiences influence your feelings toward your current partner. The answer will be obvious... those experiences don't take anything away from your feelings toward your wife, in fact it will seem silly to imagine those past experiences being even remotely related to the marriage you have now and the feelings you have for her. When you find yourself thinking of her past, reflect on your own past sexual history and the happy times you had. It won't damage your feelings for her or make you long for past lovers... it will do the opposite, it will remind you how much more special your relationship is with your wife. 4. Make lists of everything you are upset about and organize them into seperate cohesive issues. Then write out detailed "responses" to the issues. These responses should be designed in such a way as to relax you and make you feel calmer and peaceful. For example a few of the lists I made were titled things like "She lied about her past" or "Lack of sex in our relationship" and things like that. Then when you write the responses they should have wording like "...she is still sexually attracted to me, but things like work and the kids have made it more difficult to have an active sex life, by scheduling private time together we can start to ... blah blah blah" You get the idea. These are designed to "talk you off the ledge" when you're having a panic attack. Now read them aloud and record the responses on your phone. Listen to whichever one applies as you find yourself getting upset over these issues. These worked great for me. Almost every time I heard my own voice telling me what I needed to hear (in a calm and thoughtful manner) it immediately calmed me down and got me back to a healthy mind state. If you actively do those exercises, I promise you will start to quickly feel better and your anxiety over this will become manageable. I still have anxiety over my partners kinky past and the lack of enthusiasm in our sex life, but the feelings are rare and easier to manage. Good luck. May the force be with you.
loveflower Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 OH, crap, can't you guys just find another gf? What is self-respect? What is whoring? What is discretion?
deadelvis Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 OH, crap, can't you guys just find another gf? What is self-respect? What is whoring? What is discretion? Well... she has one out of those three things covered. Is that good enough?
loveflower Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 This is your issue and your cross to bear. She really has nothing to apologize for and owes you no apology for things she did on her own time before you met. If OP were her husband, then she has something to apologize for. when she did the deeds, had it ever occurred to her that someday someone is going to fall in love and marry her?! nobody forced her to do those things. she did on her own without any regard to her future man. If she ever think and gonna to respect her future man, she wouldn't have done those things that will cause her man pains. WHY is this his issue? you think having problem with a partner who will have sex with anyone is an issue?
loveflower Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Well... she has one out of those three things covered. Is that good enough? which one?
deadelvis Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 which one? Well it's obviously not self respect or discretion...
deadelvis Posted October 16, 2015 Posted October 16, 2015 Sorry OP, I'm referring to my GF, not yours.
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