Have you ever gone back to an ex?

[Samuel_22]

Hello,

 

A friend of mine whose ex had dumped him some about 4/5 months ago, has received an offer from his ex, she has declared that she has missed him so much, and believes that she can't go on without him. She has vowed that this time things will be different and said it multiple times that she won't leave him this time, no matter what happens since she loves him a lot.

 

She has been in contact with my friend, for about a month now, and despite my friends' rejecting starting any relationships with her, she keeps knocking on the door.

 

My friend called me today and put across his situation. I just told him I don't know and he should talk to those who have been through similar situations, suddenly the idea of coming to LS popped onto my mind, I would like to use your wisdom, to help my friend. One of the reasons I abstained from providing him with any thoughts is that he is in a rebound RS currently, which is going on very well, being a reboundee in my last RS, I tried not to comment, since that would have been biased.

 

Have you ever had such an experiment? if yes how long did the relationship last? or did things work well this time?

Thank you all

Edited October 16, 2015 by Samuel_22

[d0nnivain]

He tried to break up with me around the 1.5 year mark. I convince him that he was scared & making a mistake. We stayed together another 4 months then he dumped me. I cried, begged & pleaded. We got back together about 3 months later. That lasted about 2 weeks. It was clear the relationship was irreparably broken. Even though I had him back, I kept wondering how I could still love / trust somebody who hurt me so badly.

[stemac]

I got back with an ex about 14 years later lasted a year, Im really glad I am not with her now would never go back again, even tho I want my ex back from 3 weeks ago well am heartbroken its to be expected

[Samuel_22]

I got back with an ex about 14 years later lasted a year, Im really glad I am not with her now would never go back again, even tho I want my ex back from 3 weeks ago well am heartbroken its to be expected

My friend is not heartbroken anymore, or so he claims, he even says he is really into the new girl she has made friends with after the BU. But obviously he is really confused and can't make up his mind. Otherwise, he would not have called me. So 1 year is the record? Have you ever seen reconciliations that were successful?

My own opinion is that 4-5 months has not been enough, and I wager none of them have changed, maybe I am mistaken though.

[d0nnivain]

I have seen 1 reconciliation that was successful.

 

 

My college roommate had been with her BF since 7th grade. They broke up senior year of college because he wanted to date somebody else. She dated others because . . .well she had no choice. Two years later he came crawling back. She made him beg. They eventually reconciled. They will celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary next Spring. Both actually say that time apart strengthened their commitment because they were too young when they started & they both needed the experience to recognize how extraordinary their bond is.

[frigginlost]

I have had two who came back that I got involved with again. One lasted 3 years, the other 2.

 

A very good friend of mine is currently in a reconciled relationship. They seem to be doing okay. Of course, it's only been 19 years since they reconciled.

[man03999]

It all depends on relationship before the break up and for what reason. There are couples that got back and ended up getting married and live happily ever after. Some lost trust and couldn't rebuild and ended up breaking up again shortly after. I guess what I am saying is that your friend and his ex have to work on this together if they want this to work, otherwise they will break up again very shortly.

[central]

I met and briefly dated a woman. I had enough dating experience to realize she was ideal for me and what I wanted, assuming that with time no real issues developed.

 

She was new to dating after a difficult divorce. She felt a real connection and attraction to me, and her intuition said go for it, but given her disastrous choices in the past, she didn't trust her judgment. She needed to figure this all out. So, she left. I understood why, though it was difficult, of course.

 

Six months later she had figured out her issues and fears, and was ready to give us a real chance. I'd been casually dating hoping to find someone else as well matched, and dropped everyone to pursue this renewed opportunity.

 

That was over 15 years ago, and we've never regretted it. Both of us were right during those first few dates: we are ideally matched.

[Samuel_22]

It all depends on relationship before the break up and for what reason. There are couples that got back and ended up getting married and live happily ever after. Some lost trust and couldn't rebuild and ended up breaking up again shortly after. I guess what I am saying is that your friend and his ex have to work on this together if they want this to work, otherwise they will break up again very shortly.

He contends the break up came out of the blue and when he did not even expect it. seems there was another guy in the picture to me, and things have not worked between them and now she is back... just a speculation... Yeah he says the relationship was really good, and they did not have any argument or anything like that. Everything was perfect, and he loved the girl, and it seemed she really loved him too

[Samuel_22]

I have had two who came back that I got involved with again. One lasted 3 years, the other 2.

 

A very good friend of mine is currently in a reconciled relationship. They seem to be doing okay. Of course, it's only been 19 years since they reconciled.

It has been only 19 years? C'mon 19 years! That's a lot of time! LOL... I think it is good enough.

[MINDSHIFT]

Its definitely depends on why the breakup happened in the first place. I been reading tons of material online. The common outcome for when someone is left for someone else, is the relationship don’t seem to last. Breakups such as a poster above "central", circumstances or life caused the break up, therefore reconciliation would last. Trust issue will always be rampant in a reconciliation that was caused by cheating and lies. Everyone will be in bliss at first "honeymoon period", but once that gone the issue that was not resolved will come back to surface 10 folds. My ex left me for her ex and their problems have just begun . It takes both parties genuinely working on themselves post break up to make it work. There no point in one party fixing their issues and the other party is still a mess. And of course how the relationship was before the breakup counts.

[Jenmarie]

Yes. We were together for two and a half years. He broke up with me. I went NC the second he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. I removed him from everything and we didn't speak for two months. We ended up talking again and we decided to get back together. We stayed together for almost another two years. He broke up with me again two months ago. I was living with him and I flew back home. I have not spoke to him since and honestly I never plan to ever again.

 

Things were good for the majority of the two years we got back together. But things went really bad. I tried everything I could to keep things together. I loved him more than anything but sometimes things are just not meant to be. Is accepted that and never broke NC with him (besides us getting back together). And I never plan to. I only plan to focus on myself, friends, hobbies and my job.

[MINDSHIFT]

Yes. We were together for two and a half years. He broke up with me. I went NC the second he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. I removed him from everything and we didn't speak for two months. We ended up talking again and we decided to get back together. We stayed together for almost another two years. He broke up with me again two months ago. I was living with him and I flew back home. I have not spoke to him since and honestly I never plan to ever again.

 

Things were good for the majority of the two years we got back together. But things went really bad. I tried everything I could to keep things together. I loved him more than anything but sometimes things are just not meant to be. Is accepted that and never broke NC with him (besides us getting back together). And I never plan to. I only plan to focus on myself, friends, hobbies and my job.

 

What was the reason behind the first break up Jenmarie.

 

and on another observation dont you find that the dumper is the same person all time doing the heartbreaking. i hardly hear stories of someone getting dumped, then getting back together then the initial dumpee, dumping the initial dumper. if that makes sense.

 

I guess it true if they can leave you once, they can do it again.

[Strength in Healing]

Jen, how YOU doin'?

 

I had the chance to get back with my ex of four years many times. At first I thought I would do it. But every time we hung out I just remembered how she violated my trust and it was more about ego. I swallowed my pride and didn't look back.

[Samuel_22]

Alright people, I am going to provide him with what you told me today, the rest will be his decision, so what I can conclude is that, exes often go back together, they are happy for months or maybe a year or 2 and then things start to go awry... Although this is not what always happens, I think we are unanimous on this fact that, this pattern is almost always true...at least based on what you shared with me, and I can guess that resentment and bitterness culminates for obvious reasons.

Thanks for sharing your stories, I wish he would make the right decision.

Edited October 16, 2015 by Samuel_22

[Samuel_22]

Yes. We were together for two and a half years. He broke up with me. I went NC the second he decided he didn't want to be with me anymore. I removed him from everything and we didn't speak for two months. We ended up talking again and we decided to get back together. We stayed together for almost another two years. He broke up with me again two months ago. I was living with him and I flew back home. I have not spoke to him since and honestly I never plan to ever again.

 

Things were good for the majority of the two years we got back together. But things went really bad. I tried everything I could to keep things together. I loved him more than anything but sometimes things are just not meant to be. Is accepted that and never broke NC with him (besides us getting back together). And I never plan to. I only plan to focus on myself, friends, hobbies and my job.

I read both of your posts, the one about getting your ex back and the other one, ah that's awful, I am happy you are so strong and you are doing really great...

[Glynda]

I went back to an ex once and it didn't turn out well.

 

I dated a guy in high school for several months and even though he was nice and we had good times, we had our issues too. My parents didn't like him and were always trying to split us up, and he was eager to "go all the way," something I wasn't ready for at 16. He came to me one day and told me he got another girl pregnant and it really hurt he was running around on me, so I broke up with him.

 

A few years later while I was in college, he tracked me down and wanted to start dating again. I thought he might have grown up since high school, so I gave him another chance. We had good times but the sex thing kept coming up and I had decided to wait at that point, so we didn't do it. I really felt something for him and wondered if I had found true love and hoped we could resolve the issues we had, including problems with his child's mother, we could have something together.

 

I later found out he was running around with other girls in addition to me and even found an empty condom wrapper in his car. I confronted him and he said it was one time thing and it wouldn't happen again, and I believed him. It ended after a date one night when we went back to where I was staying and started talking to my roommate. The talk turned to sex and he ended up taking my roommate's hand and putting it on his penis which upset me so much I ran to my room and cried. My roommate read him the riot about what he had done because I had real feelings for him, then he started crying and told her about his mother who liked to sleep around and had many boyfriends staying the night at their apartment.

 

I got myself together, went out and told him to leave and that I wanted nothing more to do with him. He begged for another chance and I refused. I hoped that would be the end of it but about 2 years later, he called my parents' house looking for me. I wasn't there so they took a message and I never called him back. It happened again about a year later and I was there to take the call and I told him I didn't ever want to see or hear from him again and to leave me alone.

 

He did until a few months ago when he tried to friend me on Facebook. Keep in mind, my profile clearly states that I'm married now, yet he claimed he wanted to be friends and I was willing to believe him. He immediately told me he had just ended a relationship and that he should have married me back 20 years ago when we were dating. I called him out on his messages which showed he wanted more than friendship and let him know I was happily married now and wasn't putting that at risk for him. He told me he just wanted to talk and I told him when I need to talk, I go to my husband. He got the message and unfriended me from Facebook and has since left me alone.

 

If anything good came out of this, I learned that I made the right choice breaking up with him for good because he proved exactly what sort of person he is with his lying and knowingly pursuing someone who was married. I learned he's since had 2 failed marriages and has other children in addition to the one he fathered in high school. If I had given him another chance, who knows how my life could have turned out? I ended up marrying the man of my dreams, and have no regrets.

 

The problem with giving some exes a second chance is once you do it once, they will keep coming back again, hoping for yet another chance. Other friends of mine have had this same problem.

 

I don't know if there is a firm yes or no answer to this, or even if I should have given my ex the second chance I gave him, sometimes you just can't tell but from what I'm seeing here, if it went bad before, it will most likely go bad again.

[Samuel_22]

I went back to an ex once and it didn't turn out well.

 

I dated a guy in high school for several months and even though he was nice and we had good times, we had our issues too. My parents didn't like him and were always trying to split us up, and he was eager to "go all the way," something I wasn't ready for at 16. He came to me one day and told me he got another girl pregnant and it really hurt he was running around on me, so I broke up with him.

 

A few years later while I was in college, he tracked me down and wanted to start dating again. I thought he might have grown up since high school, so I gave him another chance. We had good times but the sex thing kept coming up and I had decided to wait at that point, so we didn't do it. I really felt something for him and wondered if I had found true love and hoped we could resolve the issues we had, including problems with his child's mother, we could have something together.

 

I later found out he was running around with other girls in addition to me and even found an empty condom wrapper in his car. I confronted him and he said it was one time thing and it wouldn't happen again, and I believed him. It ended after a date one night when we went back to where I was staying and started talking to my roommate. The talk turned to sex and he ended up taking my roommate's hand and putting it on his penis which upset me so much I ran to my room and cried. My roommate read him the riot about what he had done because I had real feelings for him, then he started crying and told her about his mother who liked to sleep around and had many boyfriends staying the night at their apartment.

 

I got myself together, went out and told him to leave and that I wanted nothing more to do with him. He begged for another chance and I refused. I hoped that would be the end of it but about 2 years later, he called my parents' house looking for me. I wasn't there so they took a message and I never called him back. It happened again about a year later and I was there to take the call and I told him I didn't ever want to see or hear from him again and to leave me alone.

 

He did until a few months ago when he tried to friend me on Facebook. Keep in mind, my profile clearly states that I'm married now, yet he claimed he wanted to be friends and I was willing to believe him. He immediately told me he had just ended a relationship and that he should have married me back 20 years ago when we were dating. I called him out on his messages which showed he wanted more than friendship and let him know I was happily married now and wasn't putting that at risk for him. He told me he just wanted to talk and I told him when I need to talk, I go to my husband. He got the message and unfriended me from Facebook and has since left me alone.

 

If anything good came out of this, I learned that I made the right choice breaking up with him for good because he proved exactly what sort of person he is with his lying and knowingly pursuing someone who was married. I learned he's since had 2 failed marriages and has other children in addition to the one he fathered in high school. If I had given him another chance, who knows how my life could have turned out? I ended up marrying the man of my dreams, and have no regrets.

 

The problem with giving some exes a second chance is once you do it once, they will keep coming back again, hoping for yet another chance. Other friends of mine have had this same problem.

 

I don't know if there is a firm yes or no answer to this, or even if I should have given my ex the second chance I gave him, sometimes you just can't tell but from what I'm seeing here, if it went bad before, it will most likely go bad again.

Wow what a story! You literally dodged a bullet! I am so happy you made such a decision,

 

Unfortunately despite all my warnings, and sharing these stories with my friend, today he made up his mind and decided to go back to his ex. One can only feel the grief and sadness his reboundee is feeling right now, being a reboundee myself, I know how brutal this is... I really tried to talk him out of it I swear I gave it 110% to save both him and the new girl from such a terrible mistake and a catastrophic disaster.

 

I think no matter what you say, or how hard you try to convince these people, all the things you say, fall into deaf ears, since they have already made up their minds, they just want you to confirm what they are going to do, and if you don't, they say hey he is crazy.

 

I really feel sorry for the reboundee, what is she going through tonight is reminiscent of what me and other reboundees on this website have gone through. This was also painful for me, he was laughing when he called me and said he made up his mind, he was not even sad for the new girl, nor did he care! He was really happy! Did my ex have the same feelings when she did that? I wager she did...

 

I just wish the reboundee would find some peace of mind soon, I don't know her much, at least I could have invited her to LS.

 

Thank you all

[Hoosfoos]

I got back with someone I was with 19 years prior, and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. She was a freak then and an even bigger freak after coming back to me. Live and learn.

[ScienceGal]

I got back with one ex. Time had gone by and we had both healed and moved on. He reached out as a friend and when we got together we both realized we still had feelings. We made a commitment to give the relationship a fresh start, and we both tried very much to make it work. That lasted 6 months, but ultimately, we just aren't meant to be together. I have no hard feelings and neither does he.

 

I think it's important to 1) move on and be able to look at the relationship objectively, which is the only way all of the problems can be identified, and 2) both people need to have a clear idea of their role in the problems and how things would be different.

 

It's not easy, but I believe it can happen.

 

Note: I would never forgive cheating, abuse, or (major) lying.

[Glynda]

Wow what a story! You literally dodged a bullet! I am so happy you made such a decision,

 

Unfortunately despite all my warnings, and sharing these stories with my friend, today he made up his mind and decided to go back to his ex. One can only feel the grief and sadness his reboundee is feeling right now, being a reboundee myself, I know how brutal this is... I really tried to talk him out of it I swear I gave it 110% to save both him and the new girl from such a terrible mistake and a catastrophic disaster.

 

I think no matter what you say, or how hard you try to convince these people, all the things you say, fall into deaf ears, since they have already made up their minds, they just want you to confirm what they are going to do, and if you don't, they say hey he is crazy.

 

I really feel sorry for the reboundee, what is she going through tonight is reminiscent of what me and other reboundees on this website have gone through. This was also painful for me, he was laughing when he called me and said he made up his mind, he was not even sad for the new girl, nor did he care! He was really happy! Did my ex have the same feelings when she did that? I wager she did...

 

I just wish the reboundee would find some peace of mind soon, I don't know her much, at least I could have invited her to LS.

 

Thank you all

 

I hope things work out for your friend. What I learned from taking back that particular ex is that exes are usually exes for a reason. I found my ex had not changed at all and didn't seem all that interested in changing. What I learned from his most recent attempt to get back with me using Facebook is he still hasn't changed in 20 years based partially on what he did and on his Facebook wall which is full of crude humor and sexual innuendos.

 

I learned the hard way about talking back an ex, and your friend will need to do the same.

[Liono84]

I think there's several factors which all have to align;

 

- What was the reason for the breakup. This is a very vital in determining whether or not they will contact you again in the future. Was it due to incompatibility/lack of love that came into play during the R/S or Did the dumper still have some feelings towards their ex when they broke up? Did they have some doubt about their decision? There are too many reasons to point out and each one comes with it's own set of odds against.

 

- There has to be a passing of a significant amount of time. If they dump you, only to return a few weeks or a month later, there is a good likelihood that it won't work out on the 2nd stint again because the dumper came back due to loneliness more so than anything.

 

- The dumper has to go through either; A) Being single for an extended period of time, and seeing how they couldn't do better as so they initially thought. B) Going out on several dates only to see that they all don't match up with their ex. C) Going thru another R/S only to later get dumped or dump their partner.

 

- What is the dumpers personality? Some ppl have the mental makeup to never regret any decision they make. Whether it's their ego or something else in their mental makeup. Even if they start having feelings of regret and feel as though they made a mistake, they either will stop themselves from getting to this point or quickly divert their thoughts to something else and carry on.

 

If all these scenarios play out, then there still are still other factors that have to align but now, from the dumpees side. The dumpee still has to open to a possible reconciliation. Some dumpees will never take back their ex's. The dumpee also has to be single or dating someone but in a lukewarm way. The dumpee also has to be willing to trust the dumper which can be very challenging.

 

 

If you're an oddsmaker in Vegas, you would clearly bet on the odds that once a couple breaks up, the fact is, the odds are highly against a reconciliation. There are so many things that all have to align. Furthermore, even if a dumper comes back, as so many have pointed out, the usual problems come back again. True reconciliation is not a 2nd stint with your ex, it's when the both of you last all the way through.

[Cailinsona]

Successful reconciliations are probably more common than it seems on LS. It is a natural home for the broken hearted after all

 

I know that after my break up I was on here constantly, whereas now that we have reconciled I rarely visit.

 

It's a difficult thing to quantify.

 

I can give you my example of a successful reconciliation (we have been back together for more than a year) or that of my parents (married for 25 years until my father passed away) or my sister (happily married for 12 years).

 

Equally other people will have the opposite experience to mine.

 

If your friend is happy in a new relationship, why would he even be contemplating reconciling with a past love?!

[Samuel_22]

Successful reconciliations are probably more common than it seems on LS. It is a natural home for the broken hearted after all

 

I know that after my break up I was on here constantly, whereas now that we have reconciled I rarely visit.

 

It's a difficult thing to quantify.

 

I can give you my example of a successful reconciliation (we have been back together for more than a year) or that of my parents (married for 25 years until my father passed away) or my sister (happily married for 12 years).

 

Equally other people will have the opposite experience to mine.

 

If your friend is happy in a new relationship, why would he even be contemplating reconciling with a past love?!

Good question, and I asked him the same question, and he did not know either, I think people merely go back to their exes because there are more bonds between them, they prefer the same old devil, because they feel nostalgic about the past, or maybe they are more emotionally familiar with each other? Well I don't have a good feeling about that, I hope things work out for him, but to me , THAT WAS A BAD IDEA!!! I am learning going back to an ex is exactly the luck of the draw, you have to take pot luck and wait for the outcome, I wouldn't do that myself.

[frigginlost]

Successful reconciliations are probably more common than it seems on LS. It is a natural home for the broken hearted after all

 

I know that after my break up I was on here constantly, whereas now that we have reconciled I rarely visit.

 

It's a difficult thing to quantify.

 

I can give you my example of a successful reconciliation (we have been back together for more than a year) or that of my parents (married for 25 years until my father passed away) or my sister (happily married for 12 years).

 

Equally other people will have the opposite experience to mine.

 

If your friend is happy in a new relationship, why would he even be contemplating reconciling with a past love?!

 

Post of the year, and so very, very, true.

 

Most of the folks on these boards are broken hearted and carry a ton of emotional baggage. That's completely normal, and completely understandable.

 

Most who were on these boards who successfully reconcile, are never heard from again.