Longterm (6years) girlfriend cooks dinner for a guy friend

October 16, 2015

My motive is to cope up with my jealousy issue. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 years, and recently I even proposed to her and now we are engaged. So she is actually my fiancee (Wow:) ). We are on long-distance relationship for the past 2 months when she met this guy at work. She has been teaching him to cook, and she visits him at night on quite a regular basis in-order to cook dinner for him while teaching him. Other than that they have become very close, they went camping together, they have dinner parties and late night drives together. Sometimes there is one more girl or a guy with them, but sometimes its just the two of them. When I visited her last month, I saw some bruises on her shoulder and she told me that that guy held her tightly in one of their friendly fights. That was my jealousy breakdown point. The next day she introduced me to the guy and I tried to get to know him, but till now I am unable to cope up my issues. Am I overreacting? What should I do to make things right? I trust my girlfriend with my life, she is my soulmate, but I keep feeling weird about her and that guy. We even had a discussion about this, and her reasoning was that she want's to make new friends as that is how a relationship is enriched, and I fully agree with that. In-fact, I was the one who had suggested this earlier, but is the line getting crossed here? How to make things right, so that I do not feel weird about them and she also does not feel weird about me being weird about this.

October 16, 2015

That close of friends in 2 months ?

I think your concerns are at least valid I have some male co workers ive hung out with after work but im single and still thats like once maybe twice a month for a joint and ive worked with them for a very long time.

From how you describe it, it sounds like shes filling the missing hole of where you should be with this friendship not saying shes cheating but she's def needing attention.

I know when I was long distance I wouldnt take on new male friends while me and my partner were apart, I didnt want him to have to feel what you're feeling now.

October 16, 2015

Start cooking for a girl, take her to walks, movies, long drives and friendly fights. See if your fiancee likes it.

October 16, 2015

A grown man that can't cook or follow a recipe online...hmmm....hmmmm. And why are they taking late night drives alone? That to me is a red flag, I don't care if she gave me his social security number. Sounds like you're gonna have to draw a line in the sand at some point. Better to do it now and discuss your feelings and boundaries, than hear "It just happened...he was here and you weren't" or "we've been growing apart for a while". Buy him a cookbook, he'll survive. Honestly, your fiancee shouldn't be making meals for another man on a regular basis. Try this on for size. How would she feel if you made a new female friend and decided to enrich that relationship by showing her how to work on a car, take leisurely walks at night together, and go shopping together? She'd probably put an end to that immediately.

Personally, I have a ton of female friends. Some are in relationships and some aren't. I've set my own boundaries for interacting with those in relationships. Would I call them or text them late at night (except for an emergency or unless specifically asked to)?...Nope. Would I be taking them on late night rides alone or cooking for them regularly?...Nope. I certainly wouldn't play fight with them at all (and not to the point i'm leaving marks on them), out of respect their partner whether they were present or not. Everyone has different boundaries in regards to relationships. I just think you should address it and keep a watchful eye.

October 16, 2015

You got yourself a serious problem here.

I hope that ring wasn't too expensive.

October 16, 2015

well I tend to not be jealous and am often seen as pretty lenient and flexible in my replies on this site and I will say this:

You are justified and I don't like it either.

I'm sorry. I hope everything is unfounded jealousy. But I agree, I would not like this at ALL.

October 16, 2015

6 years and you only recently proposed? maybe she found someone more compatible. why would a single guy and girl be cooking together unless they're cooking up romance? you should be worried i think.

October 16, 2015

I know she misses me, I miss her loads too. But we have had long distance relationship for about 1.5 years out of the 6 total years, spread across many intervals

October 16, 2015

I totally trust her when she said they are just friends, but I just am unable to trust that guy. And moreover, I felt it to be weird.

One important reason for me being cool with this is that the guy is way out of her league. So it's definitely not romantic attraction. But still, he is a guy, she is an engaged woman, should this be happening? (I want a female opinion if possible, as I know what guys will say)

Edited October 16, 2015 by soulmate2008

October 16, 2015

A huge part of being faithful is avoiding behavior that even LOOKS bad. And her behavior looks horrible. Anyone who is engaged should not be having someone of the opposite gender in their place, nor should they be letting someone else put their hands on them like that, even in "play fights". That behavior is HUGELY disrespectful to you and your relationship.

I haven't even mentioned having sex w someone else. Although in case you are wondering, she probably did.

She cheated on you my friend. You need to end this w her now, or she will soon be breaking up w you.

Edited October 16, 2015 by Imajerk17

October 16, 2015

Imajerk17 : I understand what you might be thinking, but my girlfriend and I are very close and it is impossible for her to cheat on me. If she was cheating, why would she tell me about all the dinners and drives? The whole motivation for this conversation is to help me cope up with the jealousy/ weird feeling issues.

October 16, 2015

The whole motivation for this conversation is to help me cope up with the jealousy/ weird feeling issues.

However me and everyone else here don't think you have any issues.

She does.

Will she be ok with you cooking for a girl and camping with her, and her leaving a mark on your body? Can you answer this?

October 16, 2015

However me and everyone else here don't think you have any issues.
She does.
Will she be ok with you cooking for a girl and camping with her, and her leaving a mark on your body? Can you answer this?

No she won't be. But for camping there were some more friends with them, but that's when these two connected I think. So main issue is this dinner thing.

October 16, 2015

No she won't be. .

She won't, of course not, because this is WRONG.

So why can she do it? And why are you trying so hard to justify it for her?

Grow some backbone and tell her to stop.

October 16, 2015

Im going to step in here and tell you this,,,

My last 'girlfriend"……

I had to find her hiding a guy she added to her online G+ page… and within the space of 15 minutes, watch her remove him to try an hide it, but too late.

Her reasoning.,.,,,

(we did nothing intimate), then a few minutes later in the conversation,,,(she and I were done), and then more… (how will i know if I don't do it?)

One of her last messages to me were again… (we were done a week ago when you crossed that line of wanting to date others).

Well, fact is, she had already lined that guy up even before I said I wanted to date others, and I determined that because of where he is from, and where and when I know when she went to that beach town park.

My point here is…

I sensed it,,, just as you are now.

Follow your instinct. Mine was VERY correct.

That very much put an end to any respect I had for her, and she knew it, and thats why we are done now.

I dont tolerate cheating or games, and neither should you.

October 16, 2015

I'm sorry soulmate but the facts don't add up. And this is coming from somebody who was in a similar situation except I was with my girlfriend for 7 years. If there is one thing that I learned, there is no such thing as a coincidence. And there CERTAINLY isn't such a thing as multiple coincidences.

We are on long-distance relationship for the past 2 months when she met this guy at work.

1st flag. There are no women at her company? Knowing you have trust issues, the last thing a caring woman should do is anything to exacerbate them. (deal with them, yes, but this is not how to go about doing it.)

She has been teaching him to cook

somebody already said it. recipes.com bro. there is absolutely no need for this. Not to mention, for me at least, I've cooked with women before BECAUSE of how sensual it can be.

she visits him at night on quite a regular basis in-order to cook dinner for him while teaching him. Other than that they have become very close, they went camping together, they have dinner parties and late night drives together.

after 2 months? I've bolded the parts that are obviously not kosher here.

When I visited her last month, I saw some bruises on her shoulder and she told me that that guy held her tightly in one of their friendly fights.

Unless you are in grade school thats not a friendly fight...thats rough foreplay and/or sex.

Imajerk17 : I understand what you might be thinking, but my girlfriend and I are very close and it is impossible for her to cheat on me. If she was cheating, why would she tell me about all the dinners and drives? The whole motivation for this conversation is to help me cope up with the jealousy/ weird feeling issues.

The same reason she would tell you that its not always just them. Because she is a good liar and a good liar will weave truths into the lies they are spinning. Sure, they might hang out in a group sometimes...but they can also hang out in a group and **** when they're alone. She is telling you these things to give appearance of doing the right thing, except the facts point in the other direction. Best thing you can do is cut your losses.

October 16, 2015

Im going to step in here and tell you this,,,

My last 'girlfriend"……

I had to find her hiding a guy she added to her online G+ page… and within the space of 15 minutes, watch her remove him to try an hide it, but too late.

Her reasoning.,.,,,

(we did nothing intimate), then a few minutes later in the conversation,,,(she and I were done), and then more… (how will i know if I don't do it?)

One of her last messages to me were again… (we were done a week ago when you crossed that line of wanting to date others).

Well, fact is, she had already lined that guy up even before I said I wanted to date others, and I determined that because of where he is from, and where and when I know when she went to that beach town park.

My point here is…

I sensed it,,, just as you are now.

Follow your instinct. Mine was VERY correct.

That very much put an end to any respect I had for her, and she knew it, and thats why we are done now.

I dont tolerate cheating or games, and neither should you.

Thing is, this looks weird from tower view, but its all fine. I trust my fiancee, and nothing can break that. If she feels happy around this guy, why should I not be fine with it? It's best I close this thread, enough unwanted responses!

October 16, 2015

I'm sorry soulmate but the facts don't add up. And this is coming from somebody who was in a similar situation except I was with my girlfriend for 7 years. If there is one thing that I learned, there is no such thing as a coincidence. And there CERTAINLY isn't such a thing as multiple coincidences.

1st flag. There are no women at her company? Knowing you have trust issues, the last thing a caring woman should do is anything to exacerbate them. (deal with them, yes, but this is not how to go about doing it.)

somebody already said it. recipes.com bro. there is absolutely no need for this. Not to mention, for me at least, I've cooked with women before BECAUSE of how sensual it can be.

after 2 months? I've bolded the parts that are obviously not kosher here.

Unless you are in grade school thats not a friendly fight...thats rough foreplay and/or sex.

The same reason she would tell you that its not always just them. Because she is a good liar and a good liar will weave truths into the lies they are spinning. Sure, they might hang out in a group sometimes...but they can also hang out in a group and **** when they're alone. She is telling you these things to give appearance of doing the right thing, except the facts point in the other direction. Best thing you can do is cut your losses.

My girlfriend and I have only been with each other. (We did not have prior relationships) Data can be interpreted in different ways, now that I think about it, it's totally not romantic with them, even though it sounds like that when I use "a guy" and "my fiancee" kind of terms. To justify it, the guy is really REALLY ugly. And she is totally happy with me. I think she misses me and needs some friends to be around. It's easy for pretty girls to get good guy friends than to get good girl friends.

October 16, 2015

I think her behavior is totally disrespectful to the relationship. You can trust her all you want but that doesn't change the fact "your" girl is growing closer to this guy. One of my exes told the story about how his ex fiance cheated on him while he was away too. He also said he totally trusted her and she kept seeing this guy who was only a "friend" guess what? Those two ended up having sex and continue a closer relationship while my ex was away. The poor idiot would believe anything she told him. It took him about a year to realize what was really going on but ended up marrying her anyway and later got her pregnant Because he thought this would make her change and forget about the guy. To his surprise she was still see in the guy while pregnant and after having the baby, at the end everything ended up with a divorce.

Take her to live with you or do whatever you can to be with her, I think long distance relationships don't work. There is always the risk someone else could get in the way.

October 16, 2015

Look Soulmate2008, I admire your loyalty to your fiance. I really do. But you honestly kind of sound like you don't want to believe what the facts seem to be suggesting. You state that it's "impossible" for your fiance to cheat on you when you feel like this relationship has obviously gotten too close for comfort, and state that you trust your fiance unconditionally when she tells you that she and this guy are just friends. But honestly, you don't feel good about this relationship and that makes it currently not okay. To pretend that it is okay is basically to stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes and pretend that you can't see or hear the problem. And that's not the right thing to do here.

I wouldn't like this arrangement. It sounds sketchy to me, especially with the fact that you and your fiance are long-distance. How did they become so close after just 2 months time? Why are they taking long late-night drives solely in the company of one-another? Would you do that with a female other than your fiance? How do you think she would react if you took one of your female friends out late at night? These are questions that you need to consider. They are hard questions, and I don't think you will like where the answers are heading, but to ignore the problem is to allow it to continue. You cannot be passive because your passivity counts as permission to your fiance: She isn't going to stop unless you make it clear why you have a problem with what she is doing.

Now it's fine for your fiance to have male friends, and this might just be one gigantic misunderstanding. Why don't you suggest that your fiance see her friend during the day as opposed to the evening? Or invite other people over when she helps him to cook-- heck, the more people tasting his food the better right? And the late night drives have got to stop. And if this dude is leaving bruises on your fiance with "playfighting" that needs to stop as well. Seriously, if he can't control himself and is hurting her in ways that leave a mark he needs to keep his hands to himself-- and should be doing that anyway seeing as she is ENGAGED and they just met 2 months ago.

You don't have to come across as overly controlling, but I do think you need to have a frank discussion with your fiance again about exactly what is going on with this friendship and what you are and are not okay with. I think ignoring your feelings and trusting that your fiance will respect them is probably the worst thing you can do here. So, speak up.

-Reph

October 16, 2015

Thing is, this looks weird from tower view, but its all fine. I trust my fiancee, and nothing can break that. If she feels happy around this guy, why should I not be fine with it? It's best I close this thread, enough unwanted responses!

In your own post you were asking "is the line getting crossed here? How to make things right, so that I do not feel weird about them . "

So we are telling you yes the line is getting crossed. Telling her to stop would make things right.

But you don't like unwanted answers. Do you prefer us to lie to you and say "there is noting wrong. you should just keep your eyes closed "?

She knows she is doing the wrong thing and she knows it hurts you, yet she refuses to stop. And she is supposed to be your love and soul mate. I utterly don't understand this part.

October 16, 2015

Look Soulmate2008, I admire your loyalty to your fiance. I really do. But you honestly kind of sound like you don't want to believe what the facts seem to be suggesting. You state that it's "impossible" for your fiance to cheat on you when you feel like this relationship has obviously gotten too close for comfort, and state that you trust your fiance unconditionally when she tells you that she and this guy are just friends. But honestly, you don't feel good about this relationship and that makes it currently not okay. To pretend that it is okay is basically to stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes and pretend that you can't see or hear the problem. And that's not the right thing to do here.

I wouldn't like this arrangement. It sounds sketchy to me, especially with the fact that you and your fiance are long-distance. How did they become so close after just 2 months time? Why are they taking long late-night drives solely in the company of one-another? Would you do that with a female other than your fiance? How do you think she would react if you took one of your female friends out late at night? These are questions that you need to consider. They are hard questions, and I don't think you will like where the answers are heading, but to ignore the problem is to allow it to continue. You cannot be passive because your passivity counts as permission to your fiance: She isn't going to stop unless you make it clear why you have a problem with what she is doing.

Now it's fine for your fiance to have male friends, and this might just be one gigantic misunderstanding. Why don't you suggest that your fiance see her friend during the day as opposed to the evening? Or invite other people over when she helps him to cook-- heck, the more people tasting his food the better right? And the late night drives have got to stop. And if this dude is leaving bruises on your fiance with "playfighting" that needs to stop as well. Seriously, if he can't control himself and is hurting her in ways that leave a mark he needs to keep his hands to himself-- and should be doing that anyway seeing as she is ENGAGED and they just met 2 months ago.

You don't have to come across as overly controlling, but I do think you need to have a frank discussion with your fiance again about exactly what is going on with this friendship and what you are and are not okay with. I think ignoring your feelings and trusting that your fiance will respect them is probably the worst thing you can do here. So, speak up.

-Reph

Hi Reph,

You have one of the few decent answers. I understand how it seems when I say late night drives, but they are just not drives, they went for night photography the other day, and there was one more girl with them. But he picks her up to take her to his place and drops her back home at night, that's when they are alone.

I however understand the physical fighting point, and the me not suppressing my thoughts point. I will try to have a good conversation with her. But you know what, after looking at all the conclusions drawn by many, I feel I am the luckiest guy in the world, as truly (don't know how to make u understand) my fiancee would never ever do anything remotely similar. To be frank, the most I was worried about was she not needing me if someone else makes her so happy. But guess what, I don't care, I just want her to be happy, coz that makes me really happy.

Also: do you know how to close this thread, I really cannot figure that out

October 16, 2015

Ah. I see. Well, if you feel like that changes your feelings on things then that's fine. I admit, I probably have a bit more personal scruples about things than you do but if you're fine with it then that's great. And I'm really glad you are going to have a talk with her. I feel like that will straighten everything out. And I think you just request to have it closed? Maybe alert a moderator? I'm not sure myself...

-Reph

October 16, 2015

You wanted a female perspective? Im a woman. You have a big problem brewing here.

Yes, she is crossing some major boundaries. They like each other. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear that but it's obvious. I would never spend that much time with a guy who is only a "friend." She tells you about some things because she wants to give you just enough to keep you at bay and soothe her guilt a bit. But I'd bet any money that there is more she isn't telling you too.

And she got those bruises from play-fighting? Yeah right.

OP, the problem isn't your so-called jealousy. The problem is her "friendship" with another man. It's heading down a very bad path, and you're only fooling yourself if you continue to deny that. She may not have physically cheated yet, but you'd be awfully naive to assume this is impossible. Your fiancée is already getting far too cosy with him so she's already setting th scene for that awful phone call in which she tells you she "wants space" or that she hooked up with him but "it just happened." Talk to her immediately and make YOUR boundaries crystal-clear. The problem isn't you. Or the other guy. It's her.

October 16, 2015

You wanted a female perspective? Im a woman. You have a big problem brewing here.

Yes, she is crossing some major boundaries. They like each other. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear that but it's obvious. I would never spend that much time with a guy who is only a "friend." She tells you about some things because she wants to give you just enough to keep you at bay and soothe her guilt a bit. But I'd bet any money that there is more she isn't telling you too.

And she got those bruises from play-fighting? Yeah right.

OP, the problem isn't your so-called jealousy. The problem is her "friendship" with another man. It's heading down a very bad path, and you're only fooling yourself if you continue to deny that. She may not have physically cheated yet, but you'd be awfully naive to assume this is impossible. Your fiancée is already getting far too cosy with him so she's already setting th scene for that awful phone call in which she tells you she "wants space" or that she hooked up with him but "it just happened." Talk to her immediately and make YOUR boundaries crystal-clear. The problem isn't you. Or the other guy. It's her.

I appreciate your interest in this issue, but I honestly do not feel weird about it anymore. I pity the people in the world who cannot trust their loved ones like I can. So as far as I am concerned this post is closed for me. Apparently we cannot delete posts, so that's a problem I had not seen coming.

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Longterm (6years) girlfriend cooks dinner for a guy friend

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