Date a man who's separated? ...6 months till divorced

[oldshirt]

I see both sides of this argument. There is definitely more inherent risk with a separated individual, just as there are no guarantees with *anyone* you date. If you are someone who is good at spotting red flags and strong enough to walk away when enough of them pop up, then I would think it's okay to explore this and see where it goes.

 

and yet people say that a middle aged man who has never married is too great of a risk too. So what is the profile of the perfect candidate for full grown adults who are over 30????

 

 

Is someone who has only been married 5 years and divorced for 1 a safe bet? Or do they need to be married 10 years and divorced for 2?

 

 

Does the sliding scale go into the red zone if they have been married over 20 but only divorced for less than a year?

 

 

Since he is 6 months away from finalization, is he on the "no-fly list?" Does the no-fly list get lifted within the last month before finalization or does the judges gavel have to come down before someone gets the proper clearance?

 

 

When is it ok for a sane, sober, full grown, consenting adult who has lived their life and knows what they want in the world get their dating card and are authorized to associate with members of the opposite sex without being viewed as a risk to public safety??

[StBreton]

and yet people say that a middle aged man who has never married is too great of a risk too. So what is the profile of the perfect candidate for full grown adults who are over 30????

 

 

Is someone who has only been married 5 years and divorced for 1 a safe bet? Or do they need to be married 10 years and divorced for 2?

 

 

Does the sliding scale go into the red zone if they have been married over 20 but only divorced for less than a year?

 

 

Since he is 6 months away from finalization, is he on the "no-fly list?" Does the no-fly list get lifted within the last month before finalization or does the judges gavel have to come down before someone gets the proper clearance?

 

 

When is it ok for a sane, sober, full grown, consenting adult who has lived their life and knows what they want in the world get their dating card and are authorized to associate with members of the opposite sex without being viewed as a risk to public safety??

 

Too funny OS! Well Mr Convertible and I are "taking off" tonight to watch a band ... We laugh about closing down restaurants 2 nights in a row. We've got the click factor ...but I'm being careful ...vey careful ...so we land safely.

[oldshirt]

Too funny OS! Well Mr Convertible and I are "taking off" tonight to watch a band ... We laugh about closing down restaurants 2 nights in a row. We've got the click factor ...but I'm being careful ...vey careful ...so we land safely.

 

I respect and admire people who crash and burn giving it their all than I ever would someone playing it safe sitting on their hands on the couch.

 

Live bold and courageous and take your lumps if you have to.

 

Never allow yourself to die playing it safe.

 

Have fun on your date!!!

[StBreton]

I respect and admire people who crash and burn giving it their all than I ever would someone playing it safe sitting on their hands on the couch.

 

Live bold and courageous and take your lumps if you have to.

 

Never allow yourself to die playing it safe.

 

Have fun on your date!!!

 

I hear ya.

 

I'm an adrenaline junkie so more apt to not play it safely ...physically (double black diamond skier)

 

But my heart has taken some lumps the last few years so I'm playing it on the safe side ...sort of.

 

If I jump on the train with Mr Convertible and it crashes I'll become the walking wounded on these threads for a long time:(

[Guyouthere]

I hear ya.

 

I'm an adrenaline junkie so more apt to not play it safely ...physically (double black diamond skier)

 

But my heart has taken some lumps the last few years so I'm playing it on the safe side ...sort of.

 

If I jump on the train with Mr Convertible and it crashes I'll become the walking wounded on these threads for a long time:(

 

Nothing produces more adrenaline than bringing a 6 foot shark in a 13 foot boat and having it slap you silly and bite the seats

 

Ask me how I know. lol

 

Oh, lets not forget, I have video of it all.

[guest569]

Depends what he has to sort through and if he talks about her a lot and is still hurting then It's probably not a good idea, but if he is in a good place maybe it will work. I'm not sure why you've given him the flick as you sounds like you're really interested. I've just been burnt by one who tried to move on too quickly but I would do it again if i went back because you just don't know where it will lead. However you have to trust your gut and probably made a good decision there. You will protect yourself and see where he is at later.

[StBreton]

Presuming the guy got married young and made it to silver, if he's a typical guy who liked being married and has social standing to be in demand, he'll be off the market before his D is final. If he's in my generation, he'll likely remarry pretty quickly, especially if any kids they have are adults.

 

If his case summary supports what he's telling you, I'd keep showing up until someone says no. You're both older, long married, and have no illusions about how people are or can be. Perfect storm of time of life and life experience.

 

Well Carhill ... Had another nice date with him last night ...and asked him a few direct questions about things in your post. He did like being married and he said "he doesn't like change in his personal life as he deals a lot with it in his professional life" and "he wants to get married again and probably wouldn't wait too long as he prefers the stability"

 

I have no illusions about him and am starting to see who he is and some of his faults. Nothing deal breaker ish.

 

Question for you ...we discussed sex last night ...like i said I'd like till wait to his divorce is final. His response "that's 6 months!!" Yes it is. We stopped talking about it at that point. I know he's very attracted to me and vice versa. What's your take on waiting? How would you approach this as you seem to understand this guy's MO.

 

FYI I'm still on the fence about dating him more than casually for the time being and just don't do the sex outside of a relationship so I'm asking in terms of if we decide to enter a relationship.

Edited October 17, 2015 by StBreton

[CarrieT]

I am of the mind that a person who is ending a relationship needs space and time ALONE before jumping into a new relationship.

 

Their mindset and psyche are all tied into being half of a partner and much of the problems that caused the ending of that relationship may linger and be imprinted on the next relationship if he/she hasn't done the work to deal with it.

[TaraMaiden2]

Well Carhill ... Had another nice date with him last night ...and asked him a few direct questions about things in your post. He did like being married and he said "he doesn't like change in his personal life as he deals a lot with it in his professional life" and "he wants to get married again and probably wouldn't wait too long as he prefers the stability"

 

I have no illusions about him and am starting to see who he is and some of his faults. Nothing deal breaker ish.

He likes being married - for the sake of being married.

I would, in your shoes, be extremely interested to hear his wife's side of things. You'd have a much more... 'rounded' picture....

 

That would definitely be a deal-breaker for me....

 

Question for you ...we discussed sex last night ...like i said I'd like till wait to his divorce is final. His response "that's 6 months!!" Yes it is. We stopped talking about it at that point.

..."I have to wait that long to get my leg over? Jeesh!" Don't be surprise if he begins to cool off a little now....

 

I know he's very attracted to me and vice versa. What's your take on waiting? How would you approach this as you seem to understand this guy's MO.

I know it's me, replying, but I'd stick to your guns, and watch him closely.... Part of his attraction for you, is carnal. Now you've effectively closed that door (to his surprise) that 'attraction' on his part may begin to wane....

FYI I'm still on the fence about dating him more than casually for the time being and just don't do the sex outside of a relationship so I'm asking in terms of if we decide to enter a relationship.

Be very very cautious and think and sleep on every decision.

As they say "measure it twice; you only get to cut it the once."

Edited October 17, 2015 by TaraMaiden2

[Blanco]

- How often does he mention his ex-wife? Your one post makes it seem like part of your appeal to him is that you AREN'T her (i.e. "Wow my wife never wanted to do that!")

 

- What was his contribution to the marriage failing? What has he done or what's he doing to correct that for future relationships?

 

- Why did they decide to divorce? Who filed?

 

I'm a younger guy, never married, so I'm a bit out of my depth here. I've just come to learn that for most people, it really is best to do some serious self-evaluation after the end of a serious relationship. I feel like I've learned more about relationships and their inner workings in the last year than I did in all the years before. And I've been single for most of that time.

 

I do think it helps that his children are adults. That means you won't need to worry about him breaking up his time with you for them. It also means that his ex-wife would potentially be less of a presence in your lives.

 

Still, I agree with others to tread carefully. Use this time to get to know him. By time his divorce is finalized, you'll have a good idea if it's a good fit or not. Honestly, I think people throw sex into the mix too soon, and that clouds someone's judgment, especially a guy coming out of a long marriage where sex was probably not much of a presence in those final years. Sex with someone new after is going to make most dudes feel like they've found their true love. Water in the desert and all that.

[kendahke]

 

Question for you ...we discussed sex last night ...like i said I'd like till wait to his divorce is final. His response "that's 6 months!!" Yes it is.

 

Resolution removes the panic of being alone.

 

He's not resolved; he's trying to distract and get back to familiar.

[jen1447]

Or he's just appalled at the idea of masturbating for six months when he's got a perfectly good woman opposite him and everyone has working parts.

[StBreton]

Resolution removes the panic of being alone.

 

He's not resolved; he's trying to distract and get back to familiar.

 

So well said. I'm very recently at that point from my divorce last year.

 

He's definitely in alone panic mode. Asked me to go out tonight again! I have a date with a great friend at a fancy restaurant ...wouldn't have accepted anyway but I'm feeling he wants to pair bond.

[StBreton]

- How often does he mention his ex-wife? Your one post makes it seem like part of your appeal to him is that you AREN'T her (i.e. "Wow my wife never wanted to do that!")

 

- What was his contribution to the marriage failing? What has he done or what's he doing to correct that for future relationships?

 

- Why did they decide to divorce? Who filed?

 

I'm a younger guy, never married, so I'm a bit out of my depth here. I've just come to learn that for most people, it really is best to do some serious self-evaluation after the end of a serious relationship. I feel like I've learned more about relationships and their inner workings in the last year than I did in all the years before. And I've been single for most of that time.

 

I do think it helps that his children are adults. That means you won't need to worry about him breaking up his time with you for them. It also means that his ex-wife would potentially be less of a presence in your lives.

 

Still, I agree with others to tread carefully. Use this time to get to know him. By time his divorce is finalized, you'll have a good idea if it's a good fit or not. Honestly, I think people throw sex into the mix too soon, and that clouds someone's judgment, especially a guy coming out of a long marriage where sex was probably not much of a presence in those final years. Sex with someone new after is going to make most dudes feel like they've found their true love. Water in the desert and all that.

 

You've got a solid understanding of relationships /people for a younger guy.

 

Very refreshing:) thanks for your input. Going to use your advise.

[Timshel]

He likes being married - for the sake of being married.

I would, in your shoes, be extremely interested to hear his wife's side of things. You'd have a much more... 'rounded' picture....

 

i agree with all except this part TaraMaiden, this is not a place OP has any right to. We should interview ex's before we decide to date someone? This really is going over the top and not reasonable or even a little sane.

[TaraMaiden2]

i agree with all except this part TaraMaiden, this is not a place OP has any right to. We should interview ex's before we decide to date someone? This really is going over the top and not reasonable or even a little sane.

 

Nowhere have I actually suggested she contact the ex. 9 times out of 10 it's extremely difficult - not to say impossible to do.

 

If you read my comment again, I wrote

 

"In your shoes I'd be extremely interested to know his wife's side of things. You'd have a much more... 'rounded' picture..... "

 

And she would have, but I never actually indicated contact should be established.

 

I think an awful lot of 'second time' partners would profit and benefit from input from both sides. "car-crash" relationships would happen a good bit less often...

 

However unreasonable, unlikely or "inappropriate" that might actually practically be, it's actually quite logical...

[Timshel]

So true that in a perfect world we would have access to that kind of feedback. At the same time, people are not always the same in every relationship. While one person can be completely wrong and bring out the worst, another will be a better fit all around.

 

Of course there are always the big issues to be on the look out for....abuse, drug and alcohol use, financial irresponsibility and cheating, to mention a few. These things can often be determined by being observant and not going too quickly.

 

Who can disagree the benefit of getting all the dirt from an ex lover? However it may not be fair or even relevant to the current relationship.

[TaraMaiden2]

I think the only time it should raise dirty great big red flags is if the two sides' accounts are so unalike as to appear to be different relationships altogether...

 

I hope nobody takes this the wrong way, but it takes a certain level of discernment to glean the wheat from the chaff - in other words what rings bells and sounds plausible, as opposed to sour grapes, muck-stirring and downright lies....

[oldshirt]

I'm not Carhill but I am a 51 year old man that can envision possibly being single again in the future and have responded with my perspectives about it in bold below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"he wants to get married again and probably wouldn't wait too long as he prefers the stability"

 

 

 

 

How many 30+ year old single women (and women in very unhappy marriages that would leave if given a good opportunity) are out there that would also like the stability of marriage or a LTR?

 

That is who is also checking him out.

 

 

Question for you ...we discussed sex last night ...like i said I'd like till wait to his divorce is final. His response "that's 6 months!!" Yes it is. We stopped talking about it at that point. I know he's very attracted to me and vice versa. What's your take on waiting? How would you approach this as you seem to understand this guy's MO.

 

 

I'm not Carhill but I am a 51 year old reasonably fit, attractive, professional man in a marriage where divorce has been brought up a time or two.

 

 

My take on him is he may have been in a basically sexless and loveless and passionless marriage for a period of years. So while another six months may in some ways be a drop in the bucket, there is also the possibility that that is one of the components that he is wanting to replace the most.

 

 

Also if I were in his shoes and you were to tell me that you wanted to wait 6 months before reaching that level of involvement, I would really have no choice but to assume one of a couple things -

 

 

- you weren't attracted to me and not into me if you wanted to have a mandatory waiting period of six months before reevaluating the romantic/sexual component of the relationship.

 

 

- or, you were attracted to me but were arbitrarily imposing a six month waiting period just because. And to me that is nothing more than a manipulation and a power play.

 

 

Both of those scenarios would be a "NEXT" for me.

 

 

Don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that I would necessarily have to have sex with someone within a 6 month deadline. What I am saying is that a woman that imposes a 6 month waiting period is either simply not attracted and that is a stalling method and when the divorce comes there will likely be even more restrictions.

 

 

....or she is attracted and is just using that as a ***** test and is being manipulative. IMHO someone is attracted to someone and wants to have sex with them but doesn't due to extraneous reasons is game playing and manipulative and is trying to pull puppet-strings.

Why wouldn't you want to be sexual with someone you liked and you were attracted to and comfortable with and they wanted the same things as you?

 

FYI I'm still on the fence about dating him more than casually for the time being and just don't do the sex outside of a relationship so I'm asking in terms of if we decide to enter a relationship.

 

 

I think you are over complicating it. The reason I think your are over complicating it is I'm not quite sure what you are even saying here.

As I said in earlier posts, I think you are trying to "rule" yourself into not assuming any risks and you can't do that. There will be risks no matter what you do and there will be no guarentees of not getting hurt no matter what you do.

IMHO as long as you are smart and keep your eyes open for common sense dangers such as him carrying duct tape, ropes, shovels, hacksaws, jugs of water and rolls of plastic sheeting in his trunk, you are doing your due diligence.

You've been hurt before but you're not dumb or naïve. "Rules" are to protect the dumb and naïve from the dangers they are not aware of. You're a grown woman who has been around the block a few times (I don't mean that in a bad way) To quote Kenny Rodgers, you know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.

Taking things step by step and incrementally while keeping your eyes open and evaluating things as they develop is smart and prudent and doing your due diligence.

Imposing an arbitrary moratorium on sexuality in relationship for 6 months is just silly and self-limiting at best and is manipulative, game playing and cruel at worst.

I'll be honest, I think you are shooting yourself in the foot by taking that approach.

 

 

 

 

[oldshirt]

I am of the mind that a person who is ending a relationship needs space and time ALONE before jumping into a new relationship.

 

Their mindset and psyche are all tied into being half of a partner and much of the problems that caused the ending of that relationship may linger and be imprinted on the next relationship if he/she hasn't done the work to deal with it.

 

 

 

I agree with this in principle.

 

 

However it can erroneous to assume that the clock on the "alone" starts when the divorce is finalized.

 

 

Some people have been 'alone' and have gone through their disconnection and space and self-analysis etc etc for the past several years before the divorce papers were even drawn up.

 

 

How many people have we all known in our actual personal lives that were already gone (I already have that Eagles song in my head LOL) long before they filed the paperwork.

 

 

You are correct in principle, but it's not up to us to decide when their alone clock started.

 

 

If someone says they are on the dating market looking for another relationship, believe them until their actions and behaviors indicate otherwise.

 

 

If someone says they are just wanting to enjoy their newfound freedom and are wanting to put notches on their bedpost, believe them until their actions and behaviors indicate otherwise.

 

 

If they say they just want to sit on the couch in their underwear and do nothing because they can, believe them until they got off the couch and start doing things.

[oldshirt]

 

Question for you ...we discussed sex last night ...like i said I'd like till wait to his divorce is final. His response "that's 6 months!!" Yes it is. We stopped talking about it at that point..

 

 

 

I want to address this a little further. I think this is what is known in the pick up world as a $hit test. You were testing him to see what his reaction would be.

 

 

The reason I kept using the words 'manipulation' and 'power play' etc etc in my other post is because I think you are attracted to him but you are testing his resolve and trying to filter him out if he is going to be a player or a post-divorce-bedpost-notcher.

 

 

Not saying that's bad or wrong, we all test people in a variety of ways all the time.

 

 

However it is being disingenuous yourself. If you weren't attracted to him you wouldn't be discussing sexual topics at all and probably wouldn't have had a second date with him so lets assume you do want to rub up against him at some point.

 

 

By saying you basically want to stiff arm him for six months, that puts him in a position he can't win.

 

 

If he protests the 6 month moratorium or tries to work his way around it, he's a player and just after sex or pressuring you or striving to make you do something you don't want etc etc etc.

 

 

However if he happily agrees with it, then it portrays him as not wanting to be with you and since you in reality ARE attracted to him, now you have placed him into the "nice guy" in which case he can't try to foster a more intimate relationship with you and you will soon lose attraction and interest in him and you will friendzone him and the relationship will stall out and die.

 

 

You've painted him into a corner he really can't get out without screwing himself.

 

 

And since I believe you really attracted to him, I think you are shooting yourself in the foot by trying to feel him out by sneaking through the backdoor.

 

 

I think that was disingenuous, manipulative and game playing. That may have worked on horny college guys 20some years ago when every guy with a pulse was trying to get in your pants.

 

 

A mature man with a lifetime of wisdom and experience with a wide range of opportunities with a population of mature and wise women may be a whole other story. you need to tread carefully with the $hit tests. For al you know his stbx may have been a manipulation master and he'll want nothing to do with an uptight, frigid, game player with a bunch of hoops and hurdles and stipulations on the road to closeness and intimacy.

 

 

Again, use your head and be smart and keep your eyes open and use the street smarts you would want your daughter to use if she was out meeting and dating new people. If you find a clown costume, shackles and a dentist drill hidden in a box under his bed, you may want to run.

 

 

but let me give you this advice, men look for game playing and manipulation like women look for duct tape, shovels and clown costumes and tend to run for the hills when they find them.

 

 

Be smart and prudent, but tread very carefully on the games. youre not dealing with a horny 20 year old with limited options,

[oldshirt]

 

 

The reason I kept using the words 'manipulation' and 'power play' etc etc in my other post is because I think you are attracted to him but you are testing his resolve

 

 

 

 

 

However it is being disingenuous yourself. If you weren't attracted to him you wouldn't be discussing sexual topics at all and probably wouldn't have had a second date with him so lets assume you do want to rub up against him at some point.

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

And since I believe you really attracted to him, I think you are shooting yourself in the foot by trying to feel him out by sneaking through the backdoor.

 

 

I think that was disingenuous, manipulative and game playing.

 

 

 

 

 

,

 

 

 

Let me break this down a little bit so it doesn't seem like I am calling you names or getting down on you.

 

 

I think you are attracted to him and like him but have reservations about getting involved with a man that is still legally married. That is fair and understandable, I don't have any issues with your hesitation there.

 

 

And you want him to be free and clear with no issues or complications so you can have a good crack at him yourself. Again, perfectly understandable.

 

 

And I am going to assume that if here were free and clear NOW you would be a lot less guarded and more willing to consider a wide variety of possibilities including romantic/sexual involvement. Again, perfectly valid and understandable.

 

 

However here is why I am using words like disingenuous and game playing etc - full grown adults that like each other and are attracted to each other waiting six months until some paper is signed by a judge is unrealistic and basically a falsehood.

 

 

You don't really want to wait six months to ride him like Secretariat, you want him to be divorced now so you can jump him now.

 

 

Saying you don't want to go there for six months is setting both of you up for failure. If you break down and do him, you've exposed your game playing and it's made him violate your boundary.

 

 

If you do hold him at bay for six months......well, again, that is simply unrealistic and something that you don't actually want to do anyway.

 

 

Since you are saying you don't want to do something that you actually do want to do and since it is knowingly an unrealistic boundary that you most likely will not keep and enforce, and you are doing it for reasons other than attraction or liking him or being comfortable around him, it is disingenuous. And since it is for another agenda it is a game.

 

 

My suggestion is just be yourself and be organic and natural in your relationship. If it all fizzles out on it's own, it wasn't meant to be. If while dating and getting to know each other you find out he's swindled and killed his last 4 wives for their fortunes and has hidden their bodies, then move on. If you find you just don't like him after a few more dates, move on.

 

 

But if you do continue to like him and are attracted to him and reasonable and prudent getting to know each other doesn't reveal any red flags that a normal, healthy person wouldn't worry about and you want to get sweaty and breathless with him, then don't let some arbitrary date on a calendar or some piece of paper signed by a judge stop you.

 

 

Be organic and natural. relationships and chemistry etc are hard enough when everyone is playing fairly. Don't put up any artificial roadblocks and hoops and hurdles because you are afraid of something that may or may not be lurking in the dark out there.

 

 

Decisions and actions based on fear are seldom the correct ones.

[kendahke]

Or he's just appalled at the idea of masturbating for six months when he's got a perfectly good woman opposite him

 

...who doesn't owe him a screw on his timetable just because she's sitting there and her parts work. It won't kill him to use his hand for another 6 months. Perhaps by that time, the fever for getting re-hitched will have broken and he won't be in panic mode anymore.

[oldshirt]

...who doesn't owe him a screw on his timetable just because she's sitting there and her parts work. It won't kill him to use his hand for another 6 months. Perhaps by that time, the fever for getting re-hitched will have broken and he won't be in panic mode anymore.

 

That's not her call or anyone else's call either way.

 

 

If she doesn't want to get romantic with him, she doesn't have to and it's a nonissue.

 

 

If they both have a mutual attraction and want to be together, they are full grown, consenting adults that can do what they want.

 

 

It's no one else's business to decide how long he should use his hand or not and it's no one else's business to break whatever a re-hitched fever is and it's no one else's business to determine if he is in any kind of panic mode or not.

[chapter44]

In my own personal experience after my divorce and then having had a relationship with someone who was newly divorced it is something I definitely avoid. I know a lot of people will say "my marriage has been over for a long time" or that they feel ready to start dating again. My experience has been that while they may mean those things at the time the truth is the person you are dating now will not be the same person a few years removed from the divorce. You may end up being the person who softens the blow, makes the transition easier for them, or simply a distraction from all the emotions people experience when getting divorced no matter how bad the marriage was. My general rule is a minimum 2 years removed from a divorce.