Why does my boyfriend overreact so badly?

October 15, 2015

We've been together for just about 8 months. A couple of months ago we broke up for less than a week. We have never broken up before or since but that day we did. We had a phone conversation where I told him I realized I didn't have a problem with his friendliness (that was thought to be an issue before) but that I just didn't want any women to take his friendly personality the wrong way. I said I was dealing with that because that is who he is, he loves everybody.

When i saw him later that day he broke up with me, saying I had a problem with his personality and that was a red flag to him. I told him countless times that I didn't mean that at all but he kept saying he couldn't shake the thought from his head and he couldn't get past it. A couple days later we exchanged belongings and I told him I was exhausted and couldn't keep trying to convince him. The following day he came over, apologized and said he believed I didn't mean it the way he took it and asked me to take him back.

Fast forward 2 months later. The other day he told me he was going to his married couple friends house for dinner on a certain day. We were both slammed with work and not able to see each other all week so I had been planning to surprise him for dinner on this day he said he is meeting his friends, so I sighed when he told me. I explained my plan (it is kind or a running joke that he always surprises me but I can never accomplish surprising him) and I laughed about it saying I just can't ever surprise you.

Well that night he comes over saying he feels like I don't want him to hang out with his friends. I explained that its not that, my surprise was just ruined. But I'm not upset about it, just exasperated that I can never surprise him. He presses the thought that I don't want him to see his friends. I said we see each other at least 3 times a week and you see your closest friends maybe once a week. I'm not upset by that at all. In the end everything turned out ok but he over reacted so much. He said "I could have cut and run". I said well thanks for not. The conversation apparently upset him that much. Why? Why is he so sensitive? What can I do?

Edited October 15, 2015 by savvy2008

October 15, 2015

Not sure. Why do women date douchebags?

October 15, 2015

We've been together for just about 8 months. A couple of months ago we broke up for less than a week. We have never broken up before or since but that day we did. We had a phone conversation where I told him I realized I didn't have a problem with his friendliness (that was thought to be an issue before) but that I just didn't want any women to take his friendly personality the wrong way. I said I was dealing with that because that is who he is, he loves everybody.

When i saw him later that day he broke up with me, saying I had a problem with his personality and that was a red flag to him. I told him countless times that I didn't mean that at all but he kept saying he couldn't shake the thought from his head and he couldn't get past it. A couple days later we exchanged belongings and I told him I was exhausted and couldn't keep trying to convince him. The following day he came over, apologized and said he believed I didn't mean it the way he took it and asked me to take him back.

Fast forward 2 months later. The other day he told me he was going to his married couple friends house for dinner on a certain day. We were both slammed with work and not able to see each other all week so I had been planning to surprise him for dinner on this day he said he is meeting his friends, so I sighed when he told me. I explained my plan (it is kind or a running joke that he always surprises me but I can never accomplish surprising him) and I laughed about it saying I just can't ever surprise you.

Well that night he comes over saying he feels like I don't want him to hang out with his friends. I explained that its not that, my surprise was just ruined. But I'm not upset about it, just exasperated that I can never surprise him. He presses the thought that I don't want him to see his friends. I said we see each other at least 3 times a week and you see your closest friends maybe once a week. I'm not upset by that at all. In the end everything turned out ok but he over reacted so much. He said "I could have cut and run". I said well thanks for not. The conversation apparently upset him that much. Why? Why is he so sensitive? What can I do?

No one can tell you for certain why he acts that way, but I sure wouldn't want to deal with it. I can see why you were exhausted before, trying to convince him, and I'd think you'd be exhausted all the time if he's so touchy and emotional. Some people are just like that. There's nothing you can do to change him.

October 15, 2015

What can I do?

Recognize incompatibility when it's staring you in your face and understand that it undermines relationships.

October 15, 2015

No offense, but your "sigh" and surprise explanation came off as a passive aggressive way of making him feel guilty for something he had no control over. Now did he overreact? Yes. I don't think you were telling him not to see his friends.

However, what's the point of having a surprise if you tell him about it? You should've just told him to have fun with his friends and then changed dinner to a night where you were more sure you'd see him. That way the surprise stays in tact.

October 16, 2015

I agree with FF above and I think you both overreacted both times Your response was "drama". I would have said "have a great time"

The time before ...if his behavior makes you feel uncomfortable or insecure ...that's incompatible with him. He will not change. I seek out guys who are gregarious ...it's a deal breaker if not. My ex knew everyone ...I don't say that lightly. It made for a great social life but was difficult when our kids were little ...there were only so many times I wanted to leave the kids at home with babysitters. So I took them to lots of social events.

Were you invited to the dinner?

October 16, 2015

FF has a point, and I've had moments like that where I can't tell if she is just telling me about something or being passive aggressive with it.

Also it sounds like there is either insecurity or he is not sure how much he wants to be fully settled down. Maybe you two should just have a no judgement, get it all out there talk to clear things up.

October 16, 2015

I don't get why the two of you didn't hang out with his married friends together.

October 16, 2015

We've been together for just about 8 months. A couple of months ago we broke up for less than a week. We have never broken up before or since but that day we did. We had a phone conversation where I told him I realized I didn't have a problem with his friendliness (that was thought to be an issue before) but that I just didn't want any women to take his friendly personality the wrong way. I said I was dealing with that because that is who he is, he loves everybody.

Obviously I know nothing more than a small post on a forum, however, the fact that it came up, meant one of you either DID have an issue, or there was a perceived issue. Either way, I've been in that situation (me having a very outgoing personality) and it all boils down to trust. (Neither of us had it and broke up after 7 years). Point being, you might be saying you don't have a problem with his friendliness but your actions might be saying you do. Also, something I've tried very hard to convey to my ex is there is a difference between being outgoing and loving. I can talk to 10 million people in a single day and not love any of them. Thats a completely different beast. Now, on the flip side, if what he does with you is not unique to just you then I would say you have a valid reason to be upset (I dont know enough, just playing devil's advocate).

Fast forward 2 months later. The other day he told me he was going to his married couple friends house for dinner on a certain day. We were both slammed with work and not able to see each other all week so I had been planning to surprise him for dinner on this day he said he is meeting his friends, so I sighed when he told me. I explained my plan (it is kind or a running joke that he always surprises me but I can never accomplish surprising him) and I laughed about it saying I just can't ever surprise you.

To me, this comes back around to feeling like he "loves everybody." I think if there were clearer boundaries set in terms of how you are treated vs everybody else it is quite possible you would not have minded re-scheduling for a different night.

Well that night he comes over saying he feels like I don't want him to hang out with his friends. I explained that its not that, my surprise was just ruined. But I'm not upset about it, just exasperated that I can never surprise him. He presses the thought that I don't want him to see his friends. I said we see each other at least 3 times a week and you see your closest friends maybe once a week. I'm not upset by that at all. In the end everything turned out ok but he over reacted so much. He said "I could have cut and run". I said well thanks for not. The conversation apparently upset him that much. Why? Why is he so sensitive? What can I do?

He is also being a dick because you are letting him. IMHO, I would have a dialogue about his friendliness because it does seem like it is making you much more easily upset. Be upfront about what you want...and if you dont get it tell him to gtfo.

October 16, 2015

No I wasn't invited. I've met these people before different times but in over reacting to things he thinks I don't want to hang out with his friends when I've never felt that way. It stemmed from a baby dedication and dinner out with those friends. I only knew him and he left me multiple times throughout the night with people I didn't know. I was fine with it because he rarely sees these people but being in a group of 25 when I know no one there made me clam up and get quiet. He asked me after if I didn't like them and I said that I did but it is difficult for me to be as outgoing as him and I tend to take longer to warm up. My behavior to him looked off putting or shy but for me it was normal.

I don't think it's a sign we're incompatible, his last real serious relationship was 14 years ago and until me he has only done friends with benefits or super shorts (2 months at best) relationships. He has certain issues from always being single. I'm willing to work with it but I am wondering where this over sensitivity comes from. Is it from the lack of relationships too or something else entirely?

October 16, 2015

I don't think it's a sign we're incompatible, his last real serious relationship was 14 years ago and until me he has only done friends with benefits or super shorts (2 months at best) relationships.

That's not a litmus test for compatibility.

He asked me after if I didn't like them and I said that I did but it is difficult for me to be as outgoing as him and I tend to take longer to warm up. My behavior to him looked off putting or shy but for me it was normal.

This is. How you are isn't "normal" to him and he doesn't understand not being socially outgoing. He takes it to mean you don't like his friends.

It could be that he's run into women such as yourself who had a problem with his outgoing-ness and things weren't going to work out. That explains his jumping to non sequitur conclusions about your intentions. He seems hyper-defensive as he judges your reaction to be you having a problem with who he is and how he is...

Edited October 16, 2015 by kendahke

October 16, 2015

The fact that he is so quick to leave the relationship and that that is his first reaction is the biggest red flag to me. All relationships go through ups and downs...occasional arguments/ fights are normal. But you want someone who is willing to work with you through those down times (providing they're not too frequent or intense). He doesn't sound like good relationship material especially considering his history.

I also find it odd that you weren't invited to the dinner with his married couple friends.

October 16, 2015

Perhaps introverts should date other introverts? I'm an introvert myself and always wonder if I should date a more extroverted person or a fellow introvert.

October 16, 2015

I only knew him and he left me multiple times throughout the night with people I didn't know. I was fine with it because he rarely sees these people but being in a group of 25 when I know no one there made me clam up and get quiet.

That's very inconsiderate of him.

October 16, 2015

He does tend to jump to conclusions and misread things I say when a problem arises. The crazy part is until a couple months ago when we had the short break up, I never knew he was like this. 6 months and I never noticed it.

I really thought he was this open and laid back guy. I'd said things before (like in the beginning when his outgoing personality rubbed me as flirty) that he could have gotten upset at with perfect reason but he didn't. He was calm and sweet and we moved on from it. As the relationship progressed and I felt more secure I stopped bringing those issues up because they mattered less and less. Now it's like I make one small comment and he's blown it so far out of proportion that it makes my head spin.

October 16, 2015

As for not being invited, we used to do more with other friends but after the break up he admitted to me that he told his close friends and family his version of what happened and it made me look like quite the jerk. He painted me as a mean girlfriend who tried to change him and had a problem with who he is. After we got back together the first thing I said was that he needed to straighten things out with everyone he talked to and he did. But now I feel as though they all may hate me and have ignored his explanation of why he made me sound so bad. I think they probably feel he is only changing his tune because we are back together and in thinking that, the thought of seeing them makes me nervous.

I don't know if introverts are better with other introverts but I know when we are out, be it at a restaurant, theme park, one or the others workplace, etc, we seem to balance each other out nicely. He later apologized for pushing me to be more outgoing because he didn't realize it wasn't me. Close friends don't believe me when I say I'm rather shy at first because once I've warmed up I can be a carefree, outgoing type.

Edited October 16, 2015 by savvy2008

October 16, 2015

As for not being invited, we used to do more with other friends but after the break up he admitted to me that he told his close friends and family his version of what happened and it made me look like quite the jerk. He painted me as a mean girlfriend who tried to change him and had a problem with who he is. After we got back together the first thing I said was that he needed to straighten things out with everyone he talked to and he did. But now I feel as though they all may hate me and have ignored his explanation of why he made me sound so bad. I think they probably feel he is only changing his tune because we are back together and in thinking that, the thought of seeing them makes me nervous.

I don't know if introverts are better with other introverts but I know when we are out, be it at a restaurant, theme park, one or the others workplace, etc, we seem to balance each other out nicely. He later apologized for pushing me to be more outgoing because he didn't realize it wasn't me. Close friends don't believe me when I say I'm rather shy at first because once I've warmed up I can be a carefree, outgoing type.

Why do you want to be with a guy who talks about you like this?

Honestly, if you've only been together 8 months and have already broken up once - in addition to him believing you still don't accept him - it sounds as though you're just not all that compatible. His "I could have cut and run" comment is telling. He's still not fully convinced you're right for each other either, apparently.

His relationship history could be a big clue that he isn't one to stay too long with a woman; he might be looking for a way out here by intentionally or inadvertently looking for problems and reasons to leave.

October 16, 2015

I dated a guy once who usually only did casual hookups and I found in the end he had a lot of baggage and wasn't emotionally available. In the end I ended things because I didn't feel secure and like he could put both feet in and be a real partner. There was also some push/pull type dynamics. I suspect that might be part of what is going on with you BF.

I've also dated a flirty guy and that is just something you have to accept or not accept. For me it hadn't been a bit deal because I felt he was open with me about everything. As long as your values and boundaries are similar it probably won't cause any issues on their own if you trust him. I think part of it sounds like you don't or not secure about things. Based on what you posted I see why.

October 16, 2015

That's not a litmus test for compatibility.

This is. How you are isn't "normal" to him and he doesn't understand not being socially outgoing. He takes it to mean you don't like his friends.

It could be that he's run into women such as yourself who had a problem with his outgoing-ness and things weren't going to work out. That explains his jumping to non sequitur conclusions about your intentions. He seems hyper-defensive as he judges your reaction to be you having a problem with who he is and how he is...

Yes exactly how I see it. My ex and I (with him 18 yrs) were very social. I knew and saw how he could work a room like a politician. The thing is ...I'm very independent and very social ...can have a converstion with my morning oatmeal. From day one I wouldn't care if he went off and talked ...though he was attentive to me and we had lots of fun (we did black tie stuff /dinner parties etc etc). My ex wouldn't have married someone who felt uncomfortable in a crowd or looked as though they weren't having a good time ...he would have felt that was making others feel uncomfortable with others possibly thinking I didn't like his friends. I'm not sure if your bf is like my ex completely but it seems they share in this characteristic. I think you're not compatible in this respect. If it continues to cause discord it could be the straw that breaks the camels back.

Can you step outside your comfort zone and be easier in social situations? He isn't going to change ...you can ask for him to be more attentive but you'll also have to move his way as well.

It sounds like HE thinks you're judging his great social skills in a negative light.

Btw ...his not inviting you to this dinner after 8 months is a major red flag. Seems he's segregating you into "my friends and I vs my gf". How does that work long term? It doesn't.

Edited October 16, 2015 by StBreton

October 16, 2015

As for not being invited, we used to do more with other friends but after the break up he admitted to me that he told his close friends and family his version of what happened and it made me look like quite the jerk. He painted me as a mean girlfriend who tried to change him and had a problem with who he is. After we got back together the first thing I said was that he needed to straighten things out with everyone he talked to and he did. But now I feel as though they all may hate me and have ignored his explanation of why he made me sound so bad. I think they probably feel he is only changing his tune because we are back together and in thinking that, the thought of seeing them makes me nervous.

Ooooh, that's not good. At. All. He must have really run you down hard to the mat if he says he has to go "straighten things out" with "everyone he talked to". Makes me wonder how far and wide he spread his tale?

Yeah, I'd be nervous meeting his posse, too. They'd be more inclined to want to protect their boy from you than be friends with you. I mean, I can't blame them.

If my friend came to me after their break up with a negative story about their boyfriend, I wouldn't be inclined to be welcoming/inclusive to him and I wouldn't necessarily believe their "conversion" because I'd think "dicque must be good--their nose is wide open" again.

Don't expect them to be inclusive--they're only looking out for their boy, even though he's the one who created this mess and manipulated them by twisting the truth. Their loyalty is with him, not you.

Edited October 16, 2015 by kendahke

October 16, 2015

I felt the same way he did after the break up, wanting to trash talk him to make myself feel better. When I found out after that he did indeed trash talk me, I asked my best friend if I said anything bad about him (in addition to many girl talks I also had called her on my way home from him when we broke up) and she confirmed that I never did even in my shock. I'm upset that he did but I forgave him for it. The dinner really wasn't a big deal because I'm 30 minutes away from him and probably would have declined driving out there after a long day at work anyway. That combined with him knowing I feel quiet awkward around friends now, it didn't bother me that he went alone. I've met these people multiple times and it almost makes it worse because I'll notice if they're acting strange.

October 16, 2015

The "I could have cut and run" comment is probably what bothers me most. It concerns me that his first reaction is to flee. It really highlights that he hasn't had much experience in serious relationships. During our break he wanted to work on his passive aggressiveness and over sensitivity and fix himself before he got into a relationship again. I felt he was trying to hang on to me while he did that and I wasn't having it. I told him to either work through it with me or work through it alone with the knowledge that I wont be waiting for him. He came over apologizing, asking me to take him back. I have wondered since then why he runs from things like that.

as far as him being unsure of my being an introvert, you could be right. To my knowledge he is fine with it because I am not super quiet, I just don't have the whole room laughing with me like he does. But maybe he has a problem with it and I just don't know it.

October 16, 2015

Could you play off his humor? I have a good male friend who is very flirty and charismatic. I am able to play off that by rolling my eyes, negging him, etc. We wind up making people laugh like crazy.

BTW - I'm introverted and quite reserved until I know a person well too.

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Why does my boyfriend overreact so badly?

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